SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've heard it suggested that if one spouse takes a complimentary consult with every bulldog lawyer in one's area, that precludes the other spouse from hiring him or her from retaining that lawyer regardless of who you eventually choose.

I don't know how accurate that is.

Shop around. Call three or 4 more attorneys.

One thing if you meet with them: they are conflicted out and can't represent your wife.

I understand the logic behind having consultations with different lawyers to prevent her from hiring them, but this guy on Thursday is $250 for the 1 hour consultation.

I don't have an extra $1,500 just for that.

When I say I'm broke, I mean I'm BROKE.

The bills and mortgage ate always paid, but there's never anything left at the end of the week/month.

We literally live paycheck to paycheck. There is no $5,000 - $10,000 being put away into the savings account. All the equity we have is in the house, or the money she has from her inheritance.

But she drives a 50k car

If your retainer was $8000 15 years ago, that would be like $10,000 to $15,000 today.

What the hell am I expecting to get for that amount of money?

Understand, I'm already upset, have no idea how any of this works, and will probably be asking a TON of questions on here.

JM,

I know this is upsetting and now you have to try to maneuver through the legal system on TOP of the stomach punch your wife has given you.

Don't panic. You have a referral to a bulldog. Go meet with him and see what he wants for a retainer. If you like him, and feel like he will go to the mat for you, then beg, borrow, or steal that retainer. I was just advising you NOT to use up your retainer asking "fluff" type questions. Save every minute he will bill from that for matters of substance.

Understand that I paid my retainer when our economy was good. After the economy took a dive, I'm sure many attorneys adjusted their retainers and/or hourly rate to get and keep business. I have no idea what my attorney is charging for retainers these days.

Not knowing the economy in your area, nor what the "going rate" for attorneys is, all I can say is to meet the guy and see what he says. I just wanted to set your expectations that it will likely be $5,000+. And understand that the retainer will likely be billed out at $250-$350 per hour. And, he will bill in fractions of the hour as well. Just be aware of that and squeak as much as you can out of that retainer.

Take a deep breath and just meet with him on Thursday.

Usually you can get a free half hour.

I should have gotten license in NJ.

Sorry JML - I didn't realize they were charging so much for the initial consultation.

Redsox,

That's exactly what I paid for my initial consultation as well. I think mot family law attorneys charge for consultations - at least in my area they do.

There's not much "free" advice that she might get from her attorney friends/coworkers that you won't get here.

JM, this is true. As you go along, you will start to learn/realize how much free advice that you can get from this site.

I, too, am from NJ(Southern NJ, like you). I have had SEVERAL consultations---some of them free, and some not. You will really need to go with your gut, and choose a lawyer that you feel *comfortable* with. The $7500 range seems common in this area. And like the others have said, you have to put the financial fears/concerns in relative proportion to the suffering that you are experiencing at home. Less than 4 months ago, I was literally looking at moving back into my bedroom at my parents house that I left about 30 years ago. Talk about full fucking circle.

But you need to start putting this turmoil behind you. And the only way to do this is to keep moving forward. I know that it is WAY easier said than done, but the situation you are currently living in is untenable. It will suck your soul down to nothing. The constant anxiety will start taking its toll even more than it has since this mess started. You have done great so far, but unfortunately, in a situation like this, if you are not moving forward, you are actually moving backwards.

Best of luck.

double post

[This message edited by jb3199 at 8:22 PM, April 18th (Monday)]

JM I have no helpful advice to give as this is all new to me but after reading your thread and nodding along in places in your story that are similar to mine I just wanted to let you know that you will be ok and you have got this.

Too Trusting and JB are correct.

Just pay it and get out of your situation

As a fellow Garden State resident and a member of the bar, there's a few realities you need to be aware of.

First, lawyers are freaking expensive and we like to get big retainers, especially in divorce cases because it is common for litigants to pay the retainer and then never pay another dime. And it can be hard for attorneys to get out of a case when the client stops paying.

Second, if your wife works for the judiciary in the county you live in, get the most ruthless attorney you can find and you will need the case transferred to another county for administration. I guarantee you she will be getting the best attorney she can as she has access to real information regarding who is good and who just goes through the motions.

Third, and this is bad news for you, inheritances are generally NOT subject to equitable distribution. That means you likely will not have a claim to that money.

Fourth, and this is the most important....ask your attorney for real, honest advice about what you are entitled to and what you are not entitled to. Generally, in a long term marriage the non-exempt assets are split 50/50. Fault for the breakdown of the marriage has no bearing on the matter. The person who makes more money generally has to pay alimony, and in a long term marriage such as yours that can be alimony for life, even with the recent changes in NJ alimony law. (just as an aside, one of those changes is that alimony, even permanent alimony, is presumed to terminate when the paying spouse reaches retirement age.)

Also, child support is based on the respective salaries of the parents as well as the percentage of parenting time each has with the children. So if she makes more than you, the more time you can get with the kids the more she would have to pay you.

But I mention getting real, honest advice from the attorney because I have seen people go bankrupt trying to get things in a divorce they were not entitled to. I once filed a bankruptcy petition for a man who went through eight days of trial in his divorce, only to receive exactly what he should have settled for six months into the divorce case. Don't waste attorney fees chasing issues you have no legal chance of winning.

Oh I wanted to make one more point. FILE! Either a divorce will end the agony of what she is putting you through, or she will come to her senses when s*** gets real. Strangely enough, filing for divorce often kills the affair. Nothing makes an OM run for cover faster than his affair partner telling him "Hey guess what honey? My asshat husband filed for divorce. We will get the chance to be together!"

The AP's first thought..."OMG no more free sex? I'm going to have to deal with you outside of the bedroom? I am out of here."

On thing to add to the above post - though I passed the Bar they give across the GW - most attorney's will advise against suing on grounds of adultery since it doesn't effect alimony/support and can chew up significant attorney time, and cost to litigate.

excellent post by justastatistic.

Thanks for the info justastatisic, but I have a quick question about something you brought up.

The money from her Mom passing was not necessarily an inheritence, but money received from a wrongful death lawsuit.

Would that make any difference as to whether I'm entitled to any of that?

As far as child support depending on salary and how much time we each have the kids, she's hanging herself on that one. Literally sending me text messages saying "I'm not coming home tonight, you take care of the kids", while I have to go to work. Is that abandonment?

People keep saying get the most ruthless attorney you can find, but how do you find who is ruthless?

It's not like they're listed in the phone book under "We'll Skin 'em Alive!!"

Another question, because I realize some of the good folks on here are attorneys. I was playing all this out in my head.

There is no fault divorce in NJ, so infidelity is irrelevant.

By law, I should be entitled to half her pension

Based on salaries, I should get alimony and possible child support if joint custody.

If all these things are standard, what extra could I be expecting by spending $7,000+ on an attorney? The amount of alimony and child support?

Seems if these are basic things that I am entitled to, wouldn't any competent attorney that passed the bar be able to get me?

I guess I'm asking, within a reasonable guess with the info I shared, what might I expect in return for that $7,000? That's my biggest question.

JM - I'm a lawyer (not in your state)... But just because someone passes the bar, does not make them a competent attorney. Believe me, there are a lot of lawyers out there that do irreparable damage to their clients through incompetence or more often apathy.i

While you do not necessarily get too much more bang for the buck by going out and hiring the absolutely most expensive guy you can find; legal representation, especially in something as high stakes as a divorce, is not something to go cheap on.

Remember... Guidelines are merely that... a guideline that is subject to adjustment up or down as the individual evidence and facts of a case come out. Do yourself a favor and don't go with the discount rate on this...

Best of luck!

JML - I am not a divorce lawyer so I really can't advise specifically.

If there is a way to get agreement on Child support and alimony than you could do it jointly - and save a bunch of money. Child support is a calculation. Alimony is a different animal relying on a number of factors. That makes coming to an agreement much tougher in my opinion.

One way to think of it: if you got 500 a month in alimony for the next 20 years, it amount to 120K. If a better lawyer gets you 200 a month more, that is 48K.

So it is an investment in a way.