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He agreed that he drank to much and didn't live up to his end of the deal, he is showing remorse (or what appears to be remorse) he said that he is not going out of town again without me, and that he isn't going to drink like that anymore, but talk is cheap, and I don't believe a word he is saying.

Isn't it funny that after every set back he is once again remorseful? At some point you have to ask yourself, if he keeps breaking boundaries after he's remorseful, is he even remorseful at all or just telling you what you want to hear? I think in your case it's the latter. Good on you for no longer participating in show he puts on as a way to "win" you back and not D him after he shows you such disrespect.

"Your words sound nice, but you have shown me who you are." And when you say it, let him look into the eyes of a lion who is deciding what limb to eat first. Hannibal Lector - like. He should shat himself when he sees the change in you.

THIS.

Last night was a real eye opener to me. It was a big fundraiser event for a local sports team, and he was playing in it. There was also a silent auction, and there was an item that our daughter would go absolutely insane for. The bid we put in was EXPENSIVE...like, almost uncomfortably so, but WH really wanted to get this for her. I think he is somehow trying to make all of this up to her...not the right way probably, but its effort so I let it go. Well, he started talking about everything that he would do so he could save money so we could afford the item comfortably. One of those things being give up his activity that he does for the rest of the year. It hit me in that moment that he was willing to give up his activity to make our DD happy. He was capable of doing that for her because he WANTED to.

So, after chewing on it last night and this morning, I sent him the message below:

"Can I ask you a question? Let me start off by saying that you buying the jersey for DD last night was amazing. I think it was very sweet, and I know that she loved it so much. I thought it was extremely sweet that you also said that you wouldn’t play for the rest of the year just so she could have that jersey. My question comes in here…you were willing to give up your activity so DD could have the jersey because it would make her happy. You offered this all on your own, because her happiness meant more to you than your hobby. I don’t feel like that same consideration was given to me in our situation. There wasn’t an offer to not go to because you know it would give me peace of mind or make me happier not having to worry about anything…even knowing that was where you met and formed your relationship with AP.

After this last weekend, I am really starting to evaluate the roles that we are both playing here. You are living a life like a 20 year old…partying, playing games, hanging out with buddies, cheating, etc. And I am playing the role of "mom" and caretaker to everyone. I am worrying about you, worrying about our life, trying to figure out how to fix the situation that we’re in. I want to believe the best in you, but I do feel like your priorities have been skewed for a while now.

I don’t want to sit here and give you a list of demands, because I don’t feel like that should be my job. I do think that there are changes that you should want to make that would ensure that you are a safe husband for me, but those all have to be your choices. Just like you wanted to skip your activity to make DD happy, I think that accommodations to your lifestyle should be happening because you want to make our relationship work."

I was worried that he would get upset and we would end up fighting all day, but his response gave me hope. It is below

"I am so sorry, my drinking is out of control. No, I don't do it all the time, but when I do, I drink too much. I will prove all of this to you. Your message really got to me and made me thing. You and DD make me so happy and I love you both more than anything. Its time to act like a man and prove it. Thank you for telling me everything and explaining it so well. I love you"

We talked on our lunch break shortly after and he explained even more, saying that he never really saw his drinking as a problem, but when he thought about it today, he associates that with having fun, and being the guy everyone "loves". I told him that I would much rather he be someone who DD & I could love and look up to. He seemed extremely responsive and understanding. I guess time will tell.

Thank you, seriously, to everyone on here that has commented and gave me advice. I swear it feels like you all are putting my chaotic thoughts into words and helping me articulate the things that I need. I am forever grateful!

[This message edited by FairyTaleGone at 8:31 PM, Tuesday, August 24th]

Great job taking control and communicating. Keep it up moving forward.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:23 AM, Wednesday, August 25th]

You did a great job. I hope he does something that really proves to you that he loves you. Something that can really put your mind at ease.

And if he does, and if he does it well, of course it’s ok to thank him like you’d be expecting to be thanked for doing something explicitly for him.

But also, and this is important, remind him that this is a lifetime commitment. Not just a one and done. And if he can’t commit to that, and consistently considering you and your feelings for the rest of your lives, then he might as well tell you so you can each begin the process of going your separate ways.

Keep us updated and I wish you well.

The other thread by the same OP is one of her shame and embarrassment that everyone on his team (sports team) knows he cheated and are judging her for reconciling.

A number of people advised he needs to give up the sports team which is where her me the OW and she’s known for booking up with a number of guys on the same team.

I hope he — the CH — gets his head out of his butt ASAP.

That is another thing that we talked about on lunch...he said he would 100% give that up. I told him that he could still do it (its a singular sport) as long as he goes to a different location around other people, and that he would choose days to go that I can attend. I don't want to force him to quit something he loves, but I don't want him to be around all of those people that enabled the affair in the first place. I should have put that in my last post.

[This message edited by FairyTaleGone at 9:26 PM, Tuesday, August 24th]

I think you are doing well FTG! When we aren't used to having boundaries we can think we are being controlling. It is a practice to put boundaries in place and hold them firm. But once we start doing it, it feels good. It feels good to take care of ourselves instead of just constantly taking care of everyone else and putting ourselves last.

Well played FTG.....well played!!!!

Now let's see if his actions back up his words.

Well, he seems to be dialing back his anger. We are getting ready to buy new phones, so I logged onto our wireless bill to look. I have pretty much given up looking at the call/text records because that is just an illusion of control. If he wanted to contact her, he could without it showing up on the bill. But today, my curiosity got the best of me. I looked and there was a weird number on there. I text him and told him that I looked and I wanted to know who "x" number was. In the past, this would have resulted in an argument about me not trusting him (eyeroll) and "never going to get over this" but today, he sent me screenshots of the message (a generated message from his Dr office) and told me I could check whenever I wanted. Feels like progress to me.

That one small piece is a positive step in a long journey.

If I were working with your WH I would ask him to exactly pinpoint the moment he stopped "cherishing" is wife. Ya know, LOVE, HONOR, CHERISH, PROTECT.

Was it at your wedding? On the honeymoon? After a year of living together?

When. And when was it that he decided that everything you did was to make his life miserable. Instead of it just you reacting to the awful things he was doing and terrible choices he was making.

I think he may just be learning again how to cherish you. He took you way for granted. He didn’t look at you as a person with feelings.

I hope that changes. I hope that is a step toward that.

Someone who cherishes considers your feelings before his. He would consider your happiness before his own. On any topic.

My wife and I do that. We look out for each other’s feelings. And in that way, both of us can find happiness together.

It’s not all rainbows and apple pies. It’s work. It’s honestly a labor of love.

I hope he finds it. You deserve it.

In the past, this would have resulted in an argument about me not trusting him (eyeroll) and "never going to get over this" but today, he sent me screenshots of the message (a generated message from his Dr office) and told me I could check whenever I wanted.

That’s really nice FairyTaleGone I think "You offered this all on your own, because her happiness meant more to you than your hobby." and all that followed really shook him. That really helped him to start to ‘get it’ I pray he stays on course & progresses.