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Newest Member: Confused10

Just Found Out :
Honey, they always affair down

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ob-la-de ( member #23735) posted at 2:53 PM on Saturday, January 23rd, 2010

bumping for newbies

Time will tell

posts: 958   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2009
id 4368074

Gottagetthrough ( member #27325) posted at 3:13 PM on Saturday, January 23rd, 2010

it was an ego boost to him, but how much of an ego boost can it be or has he just not realized that he chose the bottom of the heap? I hope he will come to realize it soon

WOW, yes, yes yes. This resonated with me. I wonder if this is why H doesnt want anyone to find out about the affair? he is lying to everyone, no one but me knows he moved out & in w/ her. Probably b/c everyone told him what trash she was when he first left for her.

posts: 3802   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 4368114

hope2laughagain ( member #18364) posted at 5:07 PM on Saturday, January 23rd, 2010

Really great post. I think you have hit the nail on the head. It is the reality for so many.

"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Married:8 years
EA:May 07-PA:July 07 (w/co-worker)

posts: 667   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2008   ·   location: California
id 4368341

ob-la-de ( member #23735) posted at 1:36 PM on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010

bumping for newbies

Time will tell

posts: 958   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2009
id 4374485

HeCheats ( member #27278) posted at 2:27 PM on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010

Dear Deathbybetrayal,

Thank you for this. I am printing it out and sticking it on my board to remind myself I am not the worst wife, mother, person in the world because my WH is having an affair. HUGS to you

A lying, cheating husband that leaves is God's way of saving a good woman from a complete asshole while she still has time to live her life!!! - A wise SIer

Me-BW 43
Him-WZ (that's Zombie)51
DD23, DS16
Dday 1 10/28/09
Dday 2 11/5/09

posts: 777   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2010
id 4374581

momoffive ( member #27352) posted at 7:18 PM on Wednesday, January 27th, 2010

THANK YOU! I printed it to keep it with me and everytime I think of her or see her, I can read your post and remember how it "really is"

BW 46, SAWH 47(sorry1),M27 yrs
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4, Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA in 2001 OW1, kissing in 2007 OW2
Dday6 7/11/16 EA OW6

posts: 1130   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2010   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 4377907

letting_go ( member #13774) posted at 7:32 PM on Wednesday, January 27th, 2010

What’s is attractive about the OW is that they are the sickest, the weakest, the most injured of the pack. The insecure WH, wanting to feel strong and powerful, scans the herd for the easiest to kill. The self assured, the strong, the healthy will not do as those women want nothing to do with a married man. Our wayward husbands, needy and looking for someone to boost his ego, must look for someone beneath them, someone who will look up to him, someone who will make him feel superior, if only temporarily. What better way for an insecure person to feel powerful, and admired, than to pick the least of the bunch?

I asked H what did he get out of having his A and this is pretty much what H wrote me in a letter not long after dday.

He did not want anyone to know that he messed around with her.

"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)

posts: 3708   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2007
id 4377947

I_win_either_way ( new member #27377) posted at 5:02 AM on Thursday, January 28th, 2010

Thank you very much for your post. It meant the world to me

Me~ 24

Married 3 years

DDay~ Oct 18 2009
DDay2~ Nov 10 2009
DDay3~ Jan 26 2010

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2010   ·   location: Austin, TX
id 4379215

Princess75 ( new member #23000) posted at 5:56 AM on Thursday, January 28th, 2010

This was so great to see! You said it so well!!! Even almost a year later I still wonder why she was so ugly and how could he be with HER. I have printed it also to remind myself of the trash she is and how much I am not! Thank you!

Me- 34
WH- 39
4 kids- my son- 13, his two daughters 18 & 13, and our daughter-2
D-Day Feb. 14, 2009

posts: 12   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2009   ·   location: Orange
id 4379259

crushed again ( member #26138) posted at 8:45 PM on Thursday, January 28th, 2010

Thank-you. I REALLY needed this today. Walking around all day thinking about how skank OW got/gets more respect from WH than his own family. I'm having a very LOW day .

Tomorrow will be better I know but days like today are a real kick in the teeth.

Permanent S 5/2014 Court hearing (1st of many) Dec 2014 ~I will follow the path the Lord has for me - Faithfully!I'm a happy idiot!!;)

posts: 723   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Dreaming of a far better place!Still dreaming.....
id 4380641

greenirisheyes ( member #7983) posted at 10:20 PM on Thursday, January 28th, 2010

Inaturmoil said:

I thank you for this post as i have used over a year trying to figure out why WH's stay with their BS.

This is definately a good reason, they know that if they go then the chances of returning are reduced. They don't dare take that chance.

You are dead on in my case. I kicked my husband out the night I caught him at the skank's house, expecting him (and not caring) to turn right around and go back to her place. Instead, he spent the night at his mother's house. I didn't know this for several months as I refused to speak with him, but was shocked to find out that he had broken things off with her the next day. When I asked him why, he said he knew at the moment he got caught that he didn't want to be with her long term and that if he went back to her house, he'd have no chance of reconciling with me. Well, duh. I still didn't let him move back home for a year.

And for the person who felt guilty wishing ill on a skank, don't sweat it. There are plenty of other people more deserving of your concern.

[This message edited by greenirisheyes at 4:31 PM, January 28th (Thursday)]

Reconciled since 10/2002
Married 45 years - 2020!
We're better then ever, but I won't be sending the skank a thank you card.

"We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin" –​ André Bert

posts: 405   ·   registered: Aug. 24th, 2005   ·   location: Mid-Atlantic Coast
id 4380844

FrustratedAgain ( new member #27364) posted at 1:40 PM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010

In all my searching about why men (and women) cheat I came across this short list about the consequences of having an affair in a mens magazine. I found this part pretty interesting. Remember this is from a mans perspective. Sure it is probably a little skewed since they want to look good to any women who may be reading but still, I think it is something all men should think about.

"If a woman who knows you're spoken for comes on to you, it's flattering. It's tempting. But remember that she's doing it to feed her own ego, not yours. She wants to see how much power she holds over you. And if you take her bait, she then knows she must be superior in every way to your sweetie. Deep down, she has nothing but contempt for both your male weakness and your mate's existence. That should really piss you off."

and here is another point made on that list.

"You're about to be with the kind of woman who wants to be with the kind of man who would cheat on a woman."

As much as they may not listen to their own advice, they are right. These women are just looking for a man they can control in some way to make themselves feel good about themselves. They are weak and desperate to find someone to make them feel strong. Another part of their desire to feel strong is to feel like they beat out the other spouse by hooking a taken man, they are so much better then that spouse because they could make that man stray for them. They are weak minded horrible people that need other people to validate their existence.

posts: 38   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2010
id 4389498

 deathbybetrayal (original poster member #22478) posted at 7:03 PM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010

Frustrated Again - I totally agree it happens both ways.

It's about the worst thing one human can do to another - use them as a "love object" in order to satisfy their own selfishness or boost their ego. How humiliating for the AP - whichever side they are on.


Married 10 years at DDay
Me: 53 Him: 52 - Desperately trying to unfuck the donkey.
DDay: July 16, 2008
FWH Epiphany: Aug.23, 2008 NC: Aug. 28, 2008

posts: 5624   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2009
id 4390338

FrustratedAgain ( new member #27364) posted at 10:10 PM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010

I know that the OP has to have issues deep down that would allow them to do such a thing to another person. I just wish they would find some other way to stroke their egos then ruin my life and the lives of all the other women and men on here and everywhere else. No matter if you stay or go you are left with the thoughts of why me, what could I have changed, what makes me the kind of person to get cheated on. I'm sure it fades but it is always there.

Whether they affair up or down doesn't change the fact that they had the affair.

As much as I want to hate the woman...oh and I do, I feel sorry for her because I know she must somewhere in there hate herself and her life. Why else is she trying to steal mine.

posts: 38   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2010
id 4390795

BEWILDERED9379 ( member #27295) posted at 11:44 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010

What a great post!! Hats off to you!!


posts: 115   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2010   ·   location: MINNESOTA
id 4393574

ntgvngup218 ( member #26882) posted at 11:50 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010

WOW. Thank you. I see a lot of things differently now. I really needed that. OWs H left her for another woman, then AS the OW she got left again! And I thought I felt rejection....never thought if it that way...thank you!!

"The pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming"

posts: 696   ·   registered: Dec. 21st, 2009
id 4393592

Valleywoman ( member #22841) posted at 11:54 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010

OMG. I didn't read all the replies only because I didn't have time.

You are exactly what I needed today. Thank you for this.

Me: 59
FWH: 60
Married 41 years, together 44
11-08 Saw homemade dvd starring FWH
2/09 found obit of 2nd woman (coworker) naming my FWH as 'love of her life'.
9-20-09 found 2nd dvd. working on 2nd reconciliation. Go ahead, kill me now.

posts: 696   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2009   ·   location: CA
id 4393599

betrayednewmommy ( member #27444) posted at 2:02 AM on Thursday, February 4th, 2010

This has lifted my spirits more than I could have ever imagined. Thank you for your thoughtful words - words that can only be spoken by someone that has lived through the hell that I now call reality. Thank you.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2010   ·   location: Louisiana
id 4393946

Edie ( member #26133) posted at 1:20 PM on Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

Bumping for new members

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6552   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 4448808

atsenaotie ( member #27650) posted at 1:24 PM on Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

This also fits from the other side, my WW was a damaged person unwilling to deal with her or our problems. He reguarly goomed the women working at the agency where he was on the board, when my WW showed up it was almost an instant hook-up. He told her how she was wonderful and I and everyone else were so mean and unappreciative.

dday 10.5.09

posts: 4173   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2010   ·   location: FL
id 4448816
This Topic is Archived
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