Many SI members asked me to post this in here to encourage those struggling, so here it is! Don’t lose hope!
Today is 4 years from Dday. Oh how things have changed! This time four years ago, a part of me died. I remember it like it was yesterday. I’ve been thinking about the events leading up to Dday over the past few days as though it were yesterday. I remember that it was a Thursday and I was almost finished at work when my best friend called me to tell me that some guy had sent her a message on facebook asking if she could give me a message to call him. So I went onto my facebook page and saw that he had sent me a message to please contact him about an issue with my husband that concerns me. I didn’t even know who this guy was, so I immediately became nervous and go into panic mode. Not wasting a moment I step out of my office and walked over to my car with my cellphone in hand as I approach my car I distinctly remember thinking to myself as I reached for the handle on the car door “this is the moment my life may change forever ” I opened the car, sat inside and dialed this strangers number, I could literally hear my heart beating so loud in my head that I could barely hear the phone ringing as I held it to my ear. The phone rang a few times and then he answered it, I said “Hi this is Neecee, you wanted me to call you” he says to me “ hold on, I’m at work and I need to go somewhere private to talk” OMG!!!! Now my heart was pounding out of my chest at this point. After what seemed like an eternity he says “ok I can talk now” so I say “who are you” to which he replies “I’m the guy who’s wife is having an affair with your husband”
MINDBLOWN!....... the best way I can describe my immediate thoughts would be a Hiroshima type explosion!
I do my best to keep my composure as I’m continuing our conversation. He goes on to tell me all the details that he knew about the affair. We talk for about 20 minutes and the we agreed that i would call him back after I got out of work and we would talk some more and come up with some kind of plan to catch them. I hang up in complete shock, get out of my car and walked back into my office dazed and confused. I worked in a dentist office and had to somehow put on an act for the next two hours like everything was fine because my mother was bringing my granmother in for an emergency appointment. I had to work on her and carry on like nothing was wrong. This was truly the most agonizing two hours of my life. So I finally left work and called him back. We came up with a plan, I went home and within an hour I got my husband to confess. He confirmed my worst fears, that my world was in fact, destroyed.
Well you know the rest of the story....... shock...... anger...... rage...... pain....... heartache....... tears.......separation........dispair...... reconciliation........hysterical bonding.......triggers......... grief.......more saddness.
And then........finally ........HAPPINESS!!!!
I didn’t think it was possible, but I’m here to tell you that IT IS 100% POSSIBLE!!!I certainly didn’t believe it 4 years ago when I was sitting in the bathroom in the dark. Alone. Wailing! I couldn’t imagine that I would ever be truly happy again, with the man who shattered my world in an instant. Life as I knew it was over. After all, our love was different, right?! he loved me and adored me, right?! he would NEVER cheat on ME, right?! I mean we’ve been together since we were teenagers, we have a family, children, a life!!! What is happening??? I never believed he would do this to me, to US!!! So how in the world would I EVER be happy again?! HOW????
Well......It ain’t easy.
In fact it’s a total mindfucking shitshow. And boy oh boy what a shitshow it was, for quite a while. But somewhere along the way, slowly but surely, things would change. I would change, HE would change, WE would change. We both put in the time and effort to rebuild our life together, we both wanted a future together not apart. There were times when I just wanted to throw in the towel, but I hung in there. Today I feel like I’ve been through my own private war. How else would one discribe being mentally attacked and brutalized in such a way by the person who is supposed to be your protector.
But thank God I’ve come out victorious!!!
Through my own efforts (and of course with my Husbands support) I made it through this shitstorm and this is what I’ve learned along the way!!
1. A remorseful WW is KEY!!!!
I can’t stress this ebough. If my husband wasn’t as completely devastated by his own actions as I was, then reconciliation wouldn’t even have been a consideration, in fact I’m certain it would be absolutely impossible. It takes a little while for the WW to truly “get it” and understand the complete and utter emotional heartbreak they’ve caused. My husband has to live with that guilt for the rest of his life knowing that he hurt beyond words, the one person he loves the most in this world. I for one would not want to be in his shoes for a moment. He is now completely dedicated to being the best possible husband and father. This is what makes the difference. That being said......
2. Forgiveness.......I’ve learned that you don’t have to forgive if you don’t want too. I love and adore my husband, and we are in a good place, but I don’t forgive him for bringing hell on earth into our lives. I don’t know if I ever will. I don’t hold it against him any longer, but I definitely don’t forgive him. I just can’t, maybe someday I will. But not right now. I believe you can move on from a bad situation and heal without saying “I forgive you” and thats Ok with me!!!
3. Happiness is a CHOICE!!!!
Yes it is!!!! I without a doubt chose, chose, chose after a year of complete and utter despair that I no longer wanted to dwell in the dark places of my mind. I made a literal, conscious decision to CHOOSE not to be miserable. When those soul crushing, heart breaking thoughts would enter my mind, I would stop myself in my tracks and declare, literally out loud “No!!! I will not go there!” And I would redirect my thoughts. I choose to keep my sanity. Because let’s face it, after a year of grieving for what I had lost, I was tired, T-I-R-E-D TIRED of feeling that sorrow, I. Was. Done!!!! And I’m so happy I came to that conclusion, because it was life changing. I HAD CHOSEN HAPPINESS!!!!
4. I’m a badass!!!
Seriously, I Need to give myself props! Anyone who can live through infidelity in their marriage and work to stay together is not someone to mess with!! This whole experience has made me less tolerant of peoples bullshit. I won’t think twice about telling someone how I feel if they are being an asshole. I don’t know why it is, something about me just has no patience anymore for bullshit. I say it like it is. And ya know what, I like that about me! Mean nasty people can suck it! Cuz I’ve been through enough and I don’t have time for that shit in my life!!!
5. It’s ok to feel shitty every now and then!!!
Sometimes my emotions will catch me off guard and something will trigger me. Of course this happens. I imagine it always will, so once in a while I’ll have myself a good cry, and then I move on, I’m careful not to stay in that mindset because who the hell has time to be feeling all sad and shitty???? Not this girl...... choosing happiness remember!!!
6. I used to think that it would be less painful if my husband had died then if he cheated on me, because betrayal is an intentional act whereas death is random. But I know now that althought the pain of betrayal is something so profound when it’s inflicted on you by the very one that you love, it is far less painful then death. I have the opportunity to continue this journey with the one I started it with. I can see now that I am out from under the dark cloud of infidelity that there is hope and happiness after the storm. Where there is life, there is hope. SO GRATEFUL FOR THAT!!!!
7. Stop worrying if you’re rugsweeping!
I had asked my therapist about 8 months arter the affair if I was rugsweeping on a certain issue and if I should be focusing more on it. She said to me “that’s a bunch of bullshit” If I had dealt with the issue, discussed it and felt the effects, then what would be the purpose of me continuing to dredge up and keep rehashing these issues? If I wanted to and was ready to move forward then I should!!! Thats how it works, you move forward, not backwards. That made me feel good!!! I wanted to move forward. I was ready to let the healing begin.
And finally, my most favorite thing I have learned through this crazy ordeal is that....
8. LOVE PREVAILS!!!
I have a girlfriend who’s husband had an emotional affair. He was texting back and forth with his ex wife and she found out. They were working through it and then she found out that he was still texting (sexting) with his ex wife and so she decide she wanted out. So they divorced. I speak to him every now and then, he tells me how much he misses her and how sad he is now a single man in his 50’s who made a mistake and lost it all. I feel bad for him, as a friend and as a human being, I feel bad for the mess he’s made of his life. I see him outside his house working in his yard, alone, and I think to myself, how is it that she divorced him for an emotional affair, and I stayed with my husband after a physical affair, that lasted an entire year??? I would say to myself “ whats wrong with me???? Why did I stay???” I felt leaving would be easier and staying was definitely the harder choice, for me. Why wouldn’t I just leave???? And then I think long and hard about it and I realize LOVE PREVAILS!!!!
It’s just that simple. I love this man so much that I cannot live without him. He is the love of my life and I just cannot see it any other way. Some stay. Some go. To each his own. But I am committed for life, willing to endure all the bullshit. For better or worse.
So here I am 4 years further away from the worst day of my life. And I’m happy. Really truly happy. Again. WE are happy. It is possible. There is life after infidelity. It takes a lot of work. Oceans of tears. But it’s possible. Life returns. There is hope and happiness after the storm. I’m glad that I chose to continue this journey and see where this life will take us. Our lovestory is still an amazing one. There are chapters I would prefer to leave out, but this is our story, whether I like it or not. This is definitely not an easy road to travel, but I think it’s worth it. I’m proud to say that our marriage has endured and we have not lost everything because of infidelity, but we have stayed strong in spite of it!! That’s pretty hardcore if you ask me. I give much respect to those who are enduring and choose to reconcile. Leaving is an option, but staying is a true testament to your love and commitment. Undoubtedly a challenge. So hang in there my fellow BS and WS there is hope, there is a light at the end of the tunnel because there is love and......LOVE PREVAILS!! ❤️
[This message edited by neecee at 12:34 AM, January 16th (Wednesday)]