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Reconciliation :
Do they ever come back?

Topic is Sleeping.

 OrangeFlower246 (original poster new member #81007) posted at 2:42 PM on Wednesday, September 28th, 2022

2 months post breakout 6 weeks post Dday (is that the term?)

I miss him and our life so much. He鈥檚 in love with his AF partner. Said he ended our relationship because he wasn鈥檛 happy but I think he just left me for her.

They have been planning their future together. Do they ever come back? Am I delusional?

Do they get married to their AP?

Can you all share your stories? I really want to rebuild our relationship. Says he doesn鈥檛 love me anymore 馃様 hasn鈥檛 cut off contact but says he鈥檚 struggling with capacity and sorry he doesn鈥檛 respond or get back to me. Does that really mean he just doesn鈥檛 really want to text/talk to me? We share a phone plan so I know he talks and texts her constantly.

Is there anything I can do to bring him back? 馃様馃挃

posts: 4   路   registered: Sep. 27th, 2022
id 8757349

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:36 PM on Wednesday, September 28th, 2022

Gently, someone inside your head us telling you that your WS is the prize. That doesn't make good sense, even though many of us go through a period of thinking the WS is the prize.

Yes, tehy sometimes come back, but if they don't do the necessary work, the WS is just a bomb waiting to go off.

You're the prize, sweetheart. You're the prize.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:37 PM, Wednesday, September 28th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29988   路   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   路   location: Illinois
id 8757359

staystrong101 ( member #41068) posted at 5:56 PM on Wednesday, September 28th, 2022

((OF246)) I mean this kindly, but maybe stop and ask yourself why you want to be with someone who doesn鈥檛 love you, and clearly wants to be with someone else. Would that really make you happy? Don鈥檛 you deserve better than that?

posts: 681   路   registered: Oct. 21st, 2013   路   location: United States
id 8757377

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 5:59 PM on Wednesday, September 28th, 2022

My ex didn't leave me for the AP, but he continued seeing her after Dday and didn't try to win me back after I filed for divorce.

It was heartbreaking. I loved and missed him so much.

But once I was completely no contact with him for a while, I could finally see all the many ways in which he mistreated me throughout our relationship and held me back from being the best version of myself.

After I was finally healed and moved on with my life, I met and then married a man who was superior to my ex in every possible way... hard working, loving, handsome, brilliant, great family. I'm not angry at my ex because I realize he did me a great favor when he cut me loose.

To quote my grandfather, "Per ogni male, ogni bene"-- when something bad happens, something good comes out of it.

Says he doesn鈥檛 love me anymore 馃様 hasn鈥檛 cut off contact but says he鈥檚 struggling with capacity and sorry he doesn鈥檛 respond or get back to me. Does that really mean he just doesn鈥檛 really want to text/talk to me?

Yes, he's telling you that he doesn't want to hear from you anymore. OW is now his girlfriend, which is why he speaks to her and not you.

You should respect his wishes-- and, more importantly, yourself-- by ceasing to call or text him. Get your phone account. Block and delete his number. Remove and block him from all social media platforms. Move on with your life.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:00 PM, Wednesday, September 28th]

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1965   路   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8757380

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:02 PM on Wednesday, September 28th, 2022

Sometimes the shine dims on their new toy,and they do come back.

Which would be terrible for you.

It means you are Plan B.

It means he will cheat again because you allowed him back,with open arms,and he feels like he had no consequences.

It means he would be an unsafe partner,because the cheater that left, is still a cheater when he returns.

You need to work on your self esteem. You CAN stop loving him,if you work at it.

Stop asking him to come home. It feeds his ego. He tells the OW everything you say,and it is bonding them together.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:04 PM, Wednesday, September 28th]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6703   路   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   路   location: The Midwest
id 8757383

Brew3x ( member #72052) posted at 10:47 PM on Wednesday, September 28th, 2022

I used to have a very hard to when I first came to SI when people would give blunt advice. It was almost like my mind wouldn鈥檛 accept what the people were saying but most of it turned out to be true.
If I were you I would pick myself up, heal, work on yourself and move on.
He鈥檚 telling you he doesn鈥檛 love you. Take care of yourself it鈥檚 a long road what ever you decide. The pain from infidelity cuts to the bone.

posts: 259   路   registered: Nov. 10th, 2019   路   location: MA
id 8757426

Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 11:33 PM on Wednesday, September 28th, 2022

I am so sorry you are here. It IS brutal. The grief in your post is palpable.

My FWH went all in early. I wouldn't be here with him if he hadn't. Healing is HARD.

I think you need to take care of you. Protect yourself. He's said what he wants. Whether or not he chooses to come back, isn't up to you. It isn't something you can't control. Though, I'm certain, he'll eventually regret his choices. They all usually do, in some way.

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
I am a phoenix.

posts: 471   路   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8757433

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 1:20 AM on Thursday, September 29th, 2022

Mine said he wanted to be with me. Then lied for another year in false R. I wish he had been more upfront. It would have saved me a year of pain.

And honestly, no, there is nothing you can do to make him do anything. He has to want to do it. We can only control ourselves. And he didn鈥檛 leave because you don鈥檛 empty the dishwasher promptly or you don鈥檛 color your hair a certain shade.

I KNOW how hard this is. I know how much you miss him. I know this is not what you want. But you can only control you, and right now you need to work on healing and building a new life. It will take time to stop missing him, but you have to work for it. And you will get to a point where you feel better and probably even wonder why you had him on such a pedestal at all.

Are you in IC? What support do you have in real life? Do you share kids? Are you financially independent?

I know you are hurting鈥 but sadly he seems to not be a candidate for R.
Don鈥檛 be anyone鈥檚 Plan B. You deserve better.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6002   路   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   路   location: Northern CA
id 8757452

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:39 AM on Thursday, September 29th, 2022

So let鈥檚 play devil's advocate. Let鈥檚 say he decides to come back to you.

It鈥檚 most likely temporary until he finds someone new.

Do you want to start the healing process all over again? Do you want to re-live this pain?

I learned a very good lesson very early in life (21 or so). When a BF-GF type relationship ends, for whatever reason, it ends. Permanently. Why? Because trust is broken. Because one party wants out. Because the other person is telling you they are not happy.

Yes it hurts. Yes it鈥檚 painful and devastating.

But I made the mistake of taking an XBF back after being apart a year. He lied and told me he changed. I found out after a few months nothing changed. And it took me months to get out of the relationship.

And after that I never took a guy back after they ended it. I was never a plan B. And a few of them tried. Not happening.

In your case with this guy, he ended it badly but you have to accept it鈥檚 over and heal. It鈥檚 not easy. We know that. But he鈥檚 moved on. And there is not much you can do about it. So sorry.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13941   路   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8757482

homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 11:34 AM on Thursday, September 29th, 2022

I read the book "Love Must Be Tough" -as in tough love, standing up for your boundaries, knowing you are tons better than the OW he鈥檚 cheating with. The author says it鈥檚 best to show only strength around a cheating spouse. That in all of his years of Marriage Counseling, it rarely helps to cry, or beg a cheating spouse-on SI we call it the "pick me" dance. But, showing strength to the wayward spouse sends a clear message to them, and sometimes brings them back.

In my case, yes, my WS wanted to come back after I showed enormous strength and calm-basically telling him thru actions I was way too good for his cheating. So, I told him if he wanted to come back he had to get counseling first for at least 6 months, bc the kids and I could not go thru this again. He would not go to counseling to save his marriage/family!!!! shocked I realized then that a man who would not do anything to save his family was really not a person I could depend on long term so I divorced him. Plus I knew it would happen again, and I also realized he walked all over my boundaries a lot.

The book is a quick, easy read and I think it鈥檚 downloadable too.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 4:44 AM, Friday, September 30th]

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5503   路   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8757489

Helena67 ( member #80506) posted at 2:42 PM on Thursday, September 29th, 2022

I know how you feel. I have been at your spot recently. I have waited 8 months for my WH to return to me. I also wanted to rebuild our relationship and I also miss(ed) him terribly.

Three weeks ago he decided to leave me for the OW. So I agree with everybody. Take care of yourself. You cannot trust him with your heart. Choose yourself and be strong!

Though every day is a struggle, no contact is helping me a lot!!

BS (me) 56 years. Divorced!!!

posts: 129   路   registered: Aug. 10th, 2022   路   location: The Netherlands
id 8757506

Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 4:39 PM on Thursday, September 29th, 2022

I鈥檓 sorry he is putting you through this. The person you thought he was is gone, you are in love with what you believed he was. He has made a decision to leave and be with someone that is ok with breaking you up. Neither of them are a prize, you are.

Get yourself healthy and work on your self esteem (it changed my life). When his house of cards collapses don鈥檛 be waiting for him, and if he does try to return make him bust his ass for it. You this run this now, not him.

Best Wishes to you

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3445   路   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   路   location: Texas DFW
id 8757523

Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 5:48 PM on Thursday, September 29th, 2022

He's putting you through the paces isn't he?

Now, your question is a bit skewed. What you should really be asking is if do YOU ever come back. And that answer can be yes.

So I want you for a moment to stop worrying about what he is doing and what AP is doing and focus on what YOU are doing.

YOU need to stand up. Stand the bleep up. And keep bleeping going. It hard. It worth it. Stand up.

YOU need to do something for YOU. Take the long hot shower [I know, sweetie, there will be tears. Let them wash down the drain]. Use the indulgent shower gel with fluffy shower poof. Use the scented lotion you used to save for special occasions. Shave whatever the heck you want shaved and use the shave gel and a new razor. Be your own special occasion. Put on the sparkly undies (or whatever your definition is of a power bra and thong), put on some lipgloss (if chapstick more your thing go for it). DO IT. Even if you are just then wearing sweats to scrub the toilet. Do whatever makes you feel a bit more badass.

YOU need to have a few minutes of peace. Go get a cup of coffee. Slowly savor every sip. Let your mind go blank and people watch. Even just for a few moments. There is sanity in that cup. Coffee not your thing - get tea, or lemonade or even just water in a courtesy cup. But go somewhere [even on your back deck and watch the squirrels and birds] and take that moment.

YOU need to find a new hobby or rediscover an old one. Go for a walk, join a gym, knit/crochet (I like this one - you can make useful things while stabbing stuff with things and twisting) - I make hats and scarves and donate them to cold weather shelters- I also make doll blankets for my friends with smaller children. Go shopping - retail therapy is soothing (even if it just at the Dollar Tree for a new pretty pen). Renew your faith &/or spirituality (if that your thing - if it not find something that is even if it a nature walk or yoga class)

YOU need to reach out to others. Good on you for coming to SI [see - you've already checked one thing off this list]. You are in the best hands of great people you never wanted to meet. But you aren't alone. And we've all BTDT (been there, done that)

Bring yourself back. Then go from there.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello鈥揗y name is Chaos鈥揧ou f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3797   路   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   路   location: East coast
id 8757537

Ivory ( new member #52026) posted at 8:28 PM on Thursday, September 29th, 2022

"Do they ever come back?"
Yes they do! Like a boomerang! And when they do, duck!
He hurt you, and even if he does come back, he will resent you for being hurt and in his mind use that as a justification to go fishing again. I'm not saying it happens like that every time, just that is what happened in my story.

posts: 16   路   registered: Feb. 27th, 2016   路   location: Florida
id 8757555

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:43 PM on Thursday, September 29th, 2022

Here is what I have seen from some people who have taken the cheater back (a cheater with no remorse or anything but being selfish):

1. Friend 1 continued to be cheated on for the duration of the marriage. She finally D him after 20+ years of marriage.

2. Friend 2 was living in a constant state of anxiety because the cheater had the "you need to get over it" mentality with the betrayed.

3. Friend 3 continued to make excuses for the disrespect snd lies. She only wised up when he left for a third OW and left her broke.

Hope this isn鈥檛 something you end up having to endure.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13941   路   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8757559

hurtbs ( member #10866) posted at 12:30 AM on Friday, September 30th, 2022

Orange, I am so sorry for your pain. Yes, sometimes they come back, sometimes they stay with AP. Sometimes they marry AP and truly have a wonderful, long-term relationship with them. It's painful and hurtful and cruel.

I would strongly encourage you to read the Healing Library, specifically read up on the 180 and going NC. This will help you rebuild your self esteem and your power. I won't lie, it's really fucking hard. And it sucks. However, you will survive this and get through it.

Me - 40 something. WXH DDay 2006, Divorced 2012
WBF DDay #1 9/2022 #2 11/2022

posts: 15762   路   registered: Jun. 1st, 2006   路   location: So Cal
id 8757588

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 9:19 PM on Saturday, October 1st, 2022

Yeah, sometimes the WS gets truly happy after D. I hate to cite a number without citing the source, but I expect the number of aps who get happy after D is vanishingly low ... they're both cheaters, after all. They're both dishonest and dishonesty can be a giant problem in a relationship.

Your WS's betrayal says nothing about you, OrangeFlower. I know it's hard to accept that, but it's true. Your WS cheated for their own reasons. IDK what those reasons are, but if they had been honest with themself and you, they would have broken up and told you why. Instead, they cheated. They chose dishonesty. You didn't fail; they did.

I'm sorry you're in pain; it goes with being betrayed. One aspect of healing is learning that the cheating was about your WS not about you. They chose to cheat. Nothing you did or didn't do made them do that.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29988   路   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   路   location: Illinois
id 8757896
Topic is Sleeping.
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