Wow, I need to bump this. I am just about 5 months out and I have had 4 very false and very manipulative and therefore VERY damaging Reconciliations
I saved this to my favorites, but obviously forgot it was there, wish I read it after false R's 1 and 2 and MAYBE there would not have been a 3rd or 4th.
turns out my STBXWH is a sociopath...there is no help for these people. They are incapable of love, have no empathy and therefor no remorse.
I wish I did all these things too. It was a waste of my and my son's VERY PRECIOUS life to engage in STBXWH's *games*.
Sofresh
I'd like to summarize the above... comments included*
1. Reconciliation is ONLY possible with a WS who is quickly and consistently remorseful.
2. How quickly?
In retrospect, I wish I'd given my foggy WH ONE MONTH and no more. Some WS's never de-fog. And if they are still gaslighting and justifying over a month later, folks, I'm sorry, but it's not looking hopeful.
3. What do you mean by consistently remorseful?
My hindsight rule of thumb? Before a BS should believe that R is happening, a good solid month of remorse, without lapses of justification and gaslighting, needs to pass.
4. I wish I'd not given a damn if I made WS angry.
...a lying, still-cheating WS surely will bluster and get all up in arms.
5. Define your minimum standards and stick to them sooner rather than later.
These are the MUST-HAVES for your marriage to continue.
My minimums were: NC with OW; firing coverupper; honesty, especially financial, and MC.
gosh my minimums were NC with OW and transparency...never lasted more than 4 days!!!
6. Never reveal your sources
Listen to me. Never reveal your sources. An unremorseful or foggy WS will lie to the bitter end. They will swear on their children, their parents, on the Bible, etc. Just believe in yourself and your evidence. If you are confronting the WS, don't reveal the way you got your info. If they lie, just keep repeating, "You are lying and I know it."
I also like "you know the truth."
I revealed my sources when I caught WH on VAR with OW in MY house F'ing her!!!! He stole the recorder...DAMN!!
This was Right after false R #4!! I thought he was coming OUT of the fog....nope.
7. Gather up your army
You are at war for your marriage. Don't namby-pamby around. Depressed? Get anti-depressants sooner than later. Not sleeping? Get sleeping aids sooner than later. Hell, yes, go shopping and update your look. Get to IC. Vent away here. Out the OP.
8. The strategy
Given the above, I wish I had done the 180 for two months and no more. In month one, I wish I had defined my cores. I wish I had not reasoned, argued, pleaded. I wish I had just done the 180 for that time. Each time I failed, I wish I'd dusted myself off and plugged away at it again.
If WS has not de-fogged or is breaking NC with OP after two months proceeded to . . .
9.No contact with WS for months three and four.
10. Finalize divorce preparations, maintaining NC.
11. By month six, if the WS was still in the A, still breaking NC, still not remorseful. . . well, it's just my opinion that their actions are screaming volumes. They aren't gonna change.
12. File
PS he was so mad that I told everyone...20/20 tells me he was just upset that he couldn't start a R w/ her w/o everyone knowing what he did 
[This message edited by sofresh at 5:38 PM, June 16th (Tuesday)]
