SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

amanda123,

How did you end up talking to the OW again? Now that I have several weeks of NC, I don't know if I could talk to xBFF again. I'm afraid something like what happened to you would happen...she disclosing more "truths." What can we believe?

I believe what I can see. I trust my gut (I can never ignore it again!!), but I believe what physical evidence I have found (some facebook chats he forgot to delete). Otherwise, I keep questioning WH about details. I also pray that whatever he may still be hiding- it will come to light.

I know others have had good success with polygraphs. Setting one up may be enough to get him to confess all.

Today is my birthday.

Today is also 5 weeks from Discovery Day.

Reflecting on how I spent my birthday last year...painful. xBFF and I went downtown together with my mother-in-law. xBFF's husband was playing an acoustic gig at an outdoor venue. He ended up singing Happy Birthday to me.

Then a large group of us, including WH, my mother-in-law, xBFF, and xBFF's BS had dinner at a nearby restaurant. I found pictures of that night on facebook. And I wonder....were WH and xBFF texting each other back then? When exactly did their relationship change?

Well, WH and I both took the day off from work. We need to make some good memories this year.

Happy birthday wishes to you. I hope you both make new memories today.

Happy Birthday sweetie, I know its not how it should be, it will get better.

Most people think its not a great idea to be in contact with the OP for a number of good reasons. My H does not know that I have done this, and he would probably be angry with me, but I felt i had no other option. Here is a post I put on another thread.

I am in contact with the OW and I did it because I couldnt get the info out of my H that I wanted. He said it was over and done with and did not want to rehash anything he just wants to get on with our lives, so I thought ok you wont tell me what I want I will try it the other way. So we have been emailing back and forth recently and Im afraid my gut feeling was wrong about my H. He was telling me the truth about NC with her. She was once a good friend of ours. She would like to get back into our lives and has expressed how sorry she is for the betrayal and affair etc. I only emailed with her for my own purposes and I have NO intention of EVER letting this woman back into our lives. She new full well what she was doing and lied to my face, that trust with her is gone forever. As for my H he has followed through with my requests and has had NC with her. We are finally enjoying some happier moments.

If I were you I would not want to be in the same city as her let alone the same room. Stay away you dont need temptation to raise its ugly head again.

If I were you I would not want to be in the same city as her let alone the same room

Yes. We are two cities away (about a half hour drive), but it feels too close sometimes. There's only one mall both of our families would use. There's only one IKEA, etc. I am terrified of running into her and her family. I kind of wonder how I would react. Part of me would want to run to her and hug her.

Last MC session on Saturday, I brought up the topic of pornography near the end. WH has admitted to at least three times a week masturbation to pornography on his phone. He has also said my xBFF was very much like live porn to him. He said he met up with her to "get off." He didn't care about sexual intercourse necessarily. He just wanted to O. So now, we have shifted focus a bit off of the A and onto his pornography problem. He has called a male counselor at the same place we are doing our MC. He is supposed to be an expert in sexual addictions. I also found the website yourbrainonporn.com because of another post on SI.

I hate this. He has agreed to not take his phone in the bathroom any more. He amazing admitted to me on Friday that he failed and took his phone into the bathroom at work & ended up masturbating to porn. I was super impressed with his honesty, but told him how much it hurts me. I really think his pornography addiction (along with our marriage problems pre-A) primed him for the A. Not an excuse, but an interesting insight.

It still really sucks to know he talked to xBFF about his pornography problem. Yeah. Her husband also had a pornography problem. So...you talk to my husband about his problem to gain insight into your own husband?!?!? F**k you, xBFF. Your (and my WH) boundaries suck.

Six weeks from DD.

HB has seemed to slow down a bit. We are sleeping more and drinking less.

We've been following the Art of Manliness ( artofmanliness.com ) series this week on Pornography. He is a huge fan of this website, so he respects their views a lot. I've been reading the articles (blog entries) aloud, and we've been learning a lot. It's been some good bonding time.

I'm still having huge issues of trust. I'm also still reeling from my self-esteem taking such a huge blow. I do not have the talent, not the personality, to feed WH ego kibbles like xBFF did. I am trying though. I am terrified he will stray again.

He's told me over and over he hasn't done this before...and he won't do it again. I want to believe. But he admits...the physical affair was a "whim." (God...I hate that word now) Does he really have that little self control?

Seven weeks from DD.

Last night I wept again.

WH and I ditched work yesterday and drove up to a nearby city in the mountains. We both agreed we needed a mental health day. We ate awesome food and toured a historic mansion. It was very relaxing.

When we got home, we starting talking and drinking. (we've been doing this a lot at night) It was another awesome, intimate night (just talking!) until I looked at Facebook and saw mention of xBFF by someone else. Anyway, I got super emotional and wept. I felt like I couldn't even talk about it because the more I talk about xBFF, the more potential of WH to think about her. I don't want him to think about her at all. He held me why I cried & that part was awesome. But, I felt so alone because I still have no one to talk to since xBFF was my only friend. I don't even know how to go about finding a new friend or if I could even trust a new friend.

By the way, last week, WH wrote me an awesome apology about the A. It's a letter I will cherish forever. I really think I should start posting in the Reconciliation section of SI.com. Is seven weeks too early too early?

Yes.

Are you two getting professional help? I don't think a pornography site is a good way to try and fix this.

k9

Are you two getting professional help?

We've been to four (I think) MC sessions. Since WH and I have been talking about his pornography problem, he has agreed to go to IC. He contacted the counselor recommended to us (sex addiction specialist) a couple weeks ago, but the counselor was on vacation. I asked him about it again yesterday. He says he really doesn't want to go (because it will be painful), but he said again he will do anything to make our marriage work. He emailed the counselor yesterday...baby steps.

Today is week 8 from DD

I start to think about the betrayal around Thursday evening (every Thursday! ugh).

On 8-28-14 when my kids and I were eating pizza with my dad, WH was hanging out with his friend helping him with a project at his house. Their nights together usually go long, so I wasn't at all surprised when WH didn't come home until after midnight. I didn't know until Friday afternoon, that WH had left his friend's house early-ish and had texted my xBFF and asked if she could meet up. She suggested a park on the east side of town. They met. They got physical for the first time. They apparently stopped in the middle of the make-out session and talked. WH said xBFF started the conversation: something like...if we go any farther we will be adulterers. They "rationally" discussed it and then got physical again. It would have led to sex in her the back seat of her car except for the light shining in on them from a couple of police cars and a police helicopter.

So, of course, when WH told about the inane conversation that happened in the middle of their make-out session about adultery: I point out...come on: you guys were committing adultery long before things got physical. Adultery is not just the act of penile/vaginal sex. It began long ago when your texting became an EA/ when the texting became flirting, when you shared secrets about yourself (your doubt in your faith, etc) that you were afraid to share with me.

He admitted one of the things that bonded him and xBFF was feeling like they were the good guys: they were two friends suffering in crappy marriages.

xBFF and I have not had contact in awhile, but I have still been curious about what is going on in her life (their family was such a big part of our lives!). I un-friended her (or she un-friended me) on Facebook awhile ago, but I was still a "like" of her garden business page. I saw a few things go by on my Facebook stream from her...and it was a punch to the stomach each time, but I still wanted a window into her world. This morning she posted something else. It was a selfie with "lovely" cleavage (intentional/unintentional..who knows?) in her sewing room, getting a package ready to send.

That was it...I unfollowed her. I have had enough punches in the gut. xBFF has much nicer, fuller breasts than me...and WH has a thing for large breasts. This has been a constant pain for me, because during the car incident, she did bare her breasts for my husband. He admits he touched his chest to hers...skin on skin. My breasts are smaller...but I'm probably fitter than her (before the A I was working out 5 days a week...running and weight lifting).

I guess I was causing some of my own triggers by continuing to follow her business on Facebook. I feel dumb. I feel unattractive. WH keeps trying to convince me of my attractiveness. Sometimes it works. This morning is bad though. I've pondered getting breast implants. WH said he would like that, but a few nights ago, he said he liked me the way I am. So confusing.

Sorry for the ramble.

http://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg

This video about the boyfriend/husband wanting to help his girlfriend/wife with the obvious (to him) hurtful thing by giving her advice about how to fix her pain...is illustrated in my life.

WH suggested I not follow xBFF on Facebook. I didn't want to listen. *sigh*

She is no longer your BFF.

DO NOT get a boob job just to keep your husband faithful.

It really sounds like he is not willing to do the hard work to find and fix whatever is broken inside of him. Unless he does this he is bound to cheat again.

I just keep getting the feeling he is jerking you around.

And you just need to walk away from your former friend. She was never your friend. Friends don't have sex with their friend's husbands.

k9

And you just need to walk away from your former friend. She was never your friend. Friends don't have sex with their friend's husbands.

Yes - she is not your friend, never was. She lied to you, betrayed you. She is toxic.

Block her on facebook (don't just "unfriend"). Your WH should block her too. I ended up blocking the OW BH too, too much temptation to look at his page and he would often mention OW. Also, I didn't want OW to know anything about what was going on with me, my WH, or my family. If you don't block and have mutual friends they can see some of your posts and pics if the mutual friend is mentioned or tagged.

UnwiseOne, I know you miss her, but remember one thing she disrespected YOU, she didnt give a crap about how you would feel when she took your H away from you. True friends would never do this. If she was a true friend she would have come to you and said your H is flirting with me and I think you should know, that being said if he was the instigator. She may have been the one that instigated it, however needless to say it really doesnt matter which one of them did because they were both in it together. YOU were betrayed by BOTH of them.

So go out and find yourself another BFF.

Unwise one -

Another victim of double betrayal here. You will find, if you start looking at things objectively, that your "BFF" was nothing but opportunity disguised as a friend, and likely a predator. I know it hurts - believe me.

The other thing I found out about OWs is that they love to play the victim. It took me some time, but I realized this was always what my friend had done. . .and the affair was no different. They see themselves as victims, and now the poor thing's husband is being mean to her? Right. This woman had her hands on YOUR husband. She didn't care enough for you to not use your husband instead of some other bloke. She is not a BFF - and likely never was. It is hard medicine to swallow that people can hide their true selves from us.

Bionicgal -

a predator

Interesting you used this term. That is what a friend of mine called the OW (a "friend") when she heard about my WH and the OW. Looking back on things she was right, the "friend" was nothing but a manipulative predator.

The other thing I found out about OWs is that they love to play the victim. It took me some time, but I realized this was always what my friend had done. . .and the affair was no different. They see themselves as victims, and now the poor thing's husband is being mean to her?

Wow - they do seem to use the same routine. The OW in my case was always making herself out to be the victim, poor pitiful me, my H is mean to me, my parents did X, etc. When she got caught doing something bad she always shifted the blame. My IC said she was likely narcissistic and possibly borderline personality disorder. The traits for Narcissistic Personality Disorder seemed to fit her pretty well.

Unwiseone - please stay away from the OW, it can't lead to anything good.

I hope your WH continues to get help for SA, sounds like that is a big problem.

I blocked her on facebook last night. I also unfollowed her business page. I know I need to protect myself better than I have been.

In some ways it's easier for me to understand her if I decide to believe she was never my friend and she always had some ulterior motive. It's less hurtful than believing she loved me and was my true best friend up until the day she decided to start keeping things from me.

If she was always "bad", there's less of a stuggle with letting our friendship go.

If she had a mental break at some point (maybe a year ago) and started acting out of brokenness, it gives me hope we could be friends again someday after she gets her shite together.

I really dont understand why you would want to be friends with this woman. She crossed the line, she lied to you, she used you, and she did it to get together with your H.

Lets look at this rationally, lets say she does come back into your life. How do you then think your H is going to react to having this woman in your lives again, the one he was having an affair with? How would YOU feel seeing them interact? What would you do if their A started up again because you allowed her back. For the sake of your M keep her away.

I am sorry I dont want to sound disrespectful to you but I think you need to have some counseling I think you have an unhealthy obsession with her for whatever reason.

Unwise One,

I’ve read your posts – and would like to make a few comments; and I don’t mean to sound harsh in any way.

---You stated: “ We lost touch for a few years, but started talking again about in 2007

Can I ask: Why did you lose contact with this OW and her family for a few years? DO you know why? More importantly – WHY did you resume contact?

---I’d also suggest very firmly that you start referring to this adulterous woman as OW, rather than BFF. This woman had an adulterous affair with your husband – SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!

---You also stated: “Your WH said his physical affair with OW was a “WHIM.”

NO: Your WH’s PHYSICAL AFFAIR with this OW was not a “WHIM”…..it was a CHOICE!

He made A CHOICE to engage in a SEXUAL AFFAIR WITH THIS WOMAN!

He made A CHOICE to Cheat

He made A CHOICE to commit Adultery and to break his Marriage Vows!

A “WHIM” is defined as: “A sudden fancy.”

Your husband and OW did not engage in some “sudden fancy.” They lied, planned, and deceived you….so they BOTH could engage in Adulterous, hurtful behaviors. Their behaviors were NO WHIM!

---You also stated: That your WH HAS NOT made an appointment for Individual Counseling to address his Pornography Issues….even though: You have told him how hurtful and upsetting these behaviors are to you and your marriage.

Your WH’s reason/excuse for NOT making an appointment with a Counselor IS: “He really doesn’t want to go because it will be painful.”

REALLY?

Well – that’s just too bad!

It’s more important that WH get counseling for HIS Pornography Issues – and that YOUR PAIN regarding HIS ISSUES end!

I also strongly suggest: That you only ONLY have breast implants if that’s something you truly want for yourself!!!

Any time I hear about a man even suggesting he’d LIKE his wife to get breast implants to satisfy HIM….I want to wife to tell him: “OK; but you need a PENIS IMPLANT… FIRST!”

I don’t believe it’s your place, your responsibility to “be feeding your husband any ego keebles” to help him feel better ---

In my opinion: It’s your husband’s JOB to be fixing THIS MESS he’s made with his AFFAIR – and to help you heal from the pain, betrayal he’s brought into your marriage.

I’d also like to very gently suggest: That you carefully watch the amount of “drinking” you are doing – It does appear you may be using “drinking alcohol” to cope with the pain and turmoil you are dealing with.

That’s not a criticism or judgment –just an observation from your posts.

You ask: If it’s too early since your D-Day to start posting in the Reconciliation Forum?

I’d ask – Do you believe your marriage has moved into Reconciliation since:

---Your WH continues to refuse to seek counseling for his ongoing pornography issues – which are causing problems for you, your healing and your marriage?

---Since you don’t appear to be sure you have the entire truth about your husband’s affair with this so-called BFF (OW)?

---Since you are receiving Trickle Truths about this ongoing affair/relationship between your husband and the OW?

---Since you are “…praying that whatever he is still hiding will come to light.”

I’m sincerely sorry for the pain and turmoil you’re going through. You’ve done nothing wrong – NOTHING to deserve this type of pain.

Thank you for your thoughtful replies. I've had a lot to think about.

Monday: I think I may have discovered another A WH had in 2010 with an old girlfriend. Deciding what to do...I tried to tell him I knew something. Tried to give him the opportunity to tell me on Monday night. He claims to know nothing. I have the emails though.

How would you explain this exchange from 2010? (direct quote from OW (suspected ex girlfriend from before we were married) and WH)

"all ive ever really asked is that you let me know whats going on. it isnt like i dont know this is nothing more than sex. i just needed you to tell me that you couldnt see me or at least that you need to figure out what youre doing." -OW

"Its just really hard that I feel so two faced it seems so crazy that I can go from being super horny and gung-ho and in a short period of time feel like shit." -WH

[This message edited by UnwiseOne at 9:48 AM, October 29th (Wednesday)]