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Its funny you say that, your xBFF told your H that you really love him etc, because the OW (also long time friend) told my husband the same thing about me, how is that they manipulate them into having affairs. Is it by giving them the sense of security, saying we love them so much that we wont ever leave them no matter what they do? The OW also stroked my H ego she was always telling me I was blessed to have such a wonderful H god only knows what she was telling him. Anyway it takes two and he certainly played his part in it. I use to blame her until one day I woke up, and finally saw it for what it was, his betrayal of me.

Why did she confess? Guilt? I say this gently but it has to be said. I smell a rat in the kitchen.

They were caught by a couple of police vehicles and a helicopter!! Apparently, there was some sort of underage sex sting going on in the area. Now, the reason that xBFF panicked was because her husband works in law enforcement. She knew that when they ran her name, their unique last name most likely would be recognized. I guess she was well chewed out by the sergeant on duty. I love this part of the story, because I think it's hilarious (and pathetic ) in the spectacular manner they were caught. I guess she figured if she told him first things would go better for her.

My WH admits that he was planning to keep the secret to the grave. He was very upset when xBFF texted him and told him she had confessed to her husband. LE officers are very loyal to one another and most likely if she had not confessed it would have gotten back to him through his brothers in blue.

((Unwiseone))

OK....so your BS is a cop and the OW's BS is also a cop. Do they work out of the same station?

And they were found out by other cops.

Hmmmm..................

k9

My husband is not law enforcement, but I am, although not with a police agency.

I'm not sure our jobs have anything to do with the A though.

WH and xBFF both have very similar extroverted personalities. xBFF's husband and I also have similar personality types.: serious- minded, goal oriented, etc.

[This message edited by UnwiseOne at 5:49 PM, September 17th (Wednesday)]

Today is the third Friday after DDay. This afternoon will be 3 weeks since WH confessed to me in the parking lot of my office. I threw some F bombs at him (I do not swear normally!) and screamed at him how he had F-ed our marriage and F-ed our relationship with my xBFF's family. I was ready to leave him that second when the pain was the most shocking.

Today and yesterday I felt kind of numb. I didn't really feel like talking because everything seems to be related to the A. Why do I want to keep asking questions and talking about it when it feels like there is no progress? It is what it is. We have another session of MC tomorrow morning.

I hope my Friday isn't quite as grim as it feels like it might be. We are still experiencing HB, but I think the last two nights have been less intense. Still no contact with the other family...most of the time I'm ok with that, but other times, I just cry. I miss xBFF's sweet little grand daughter. I think I prefer when I'm numb I'm this.

Week four after DD. We are skipping a week of marriage counseling and will go for another session next Saturday after my birthday. We still talk for hours almost every night. We are still having sex like crazy!

No contact with my xBFF.

I heard that she tried to contact WH's friend. She was warning him WH may have tried to hit on his wife. WH's friend cut her off because this is not the case. (so far all investigations by me and through numerous conversations with WH, I am reasonably sure he hasn't cheated other times).

We have so many shared friends. Many of them have seem to taken sides already (my family v. her family). I saw a sickening post by her on Facebook (before I blocked her)where she apologized for her behavior (without saying what the apology was for) and seemed completely remorseful. The responses are the most hurtful to me. Everyone was supporting her and telling her what a great person she is... But I'm sure they had no idea what she was vague-booking about.

Sometimes I feel like I need to let more people know. That more of our mutual friends need to know. But I'm not sure if my motivation is a good one. Sometimes I just really want to hurt her. I keep having to reread the timeline my husband gave me. And I reread the texts where she answers my explicit questions where she told me details of what happened that night. I feel like if I stop reading these or if I delete them, that I will forget how very painful this all is. I don't want to forget because I can never let this happen again.

She was always telling me how great, beautiful, strong I was. She would encourage me to work on my marriage. She told me about how my my WH was in love with me. I knew they were texting. I kind of knew when it started. I thought it would be ok, because they were discussing the difficult personalities that both myself and her husband have (ISTJ). xBFF and WH both are extraverted... and more spontaneous, free spirited. She was asking WH about how I would act in certain situations (e.g. does your wife (me) get really quiet in when she is angry about blah, blah, blah? dumb example) and WH husband would say...why, yes. She does. And they would discuss how to deal with our difficult personalities. Something like that. Anyway, apparently, she was also saying super flattering things to my husband, about how great he is, and how much his wife (me) is in love with him. She was stroking his ego & also telling both of us how much the other loved the other. However, and least I was not expressing this to my xBFF. If I talked about my WH, it was usually a complaint about his smoking, staying out late on a work night, not calling, not planning things ahead, etc. Weird. I'm not sure how to figure that out. It's like she was trying to manipulate me and WH into a better marriage, but somehow things got so twisted, and someone crossed a line in the texts. They got flirty. She kept stroking his ego. Things eventually got sexual in the texts (no pictures, they both claim...whatever)

This was not supportive, it was reconnaissance. It's like the old saying - Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

I heard that she tried to contact WH's friend. She was warning him WH may have tried to hit on his wife.

Someone else said it. I smell a rat in the kitchen.

Hi.

I'm so sorry for what you've been going through. You seem very strong and strong-willed, so I hope/think you'll eventually be happy either with him or without him.

Have you considered having him do a polygraph to make sure you know the full truth?

Best wishes!

I think the trauma I'm feeling regarding my xBFF is close to if she had died.

Last night, WH and I were having our nightly talk before bed (still hysterically bonding!!) and I started crying (again). This time it was because I was remembering xBFF coming to visit me at the hospital 17 years ago after my third child was born. She was the first one to hold him besides WH and me. The memories are so terribly bittersweet now.

BH and I also were reminiscing over some of our early memories of our marriage. I pointed out to him that these beautiful memories would have become bittersweet if we were not on the road to healing.

I get so exhausted sometimes of all of these emotions. I am an ISTJ. Emotional reflection is hard for me.

What is "ÍSTJ"?

This exact situation happened to me. H slept with my XBFF who was the W of my H. Nothing was more painful than that experience. But remember in the end, she will have to live with this forever. I told the entire world so that they would both be exposed. Find the truth so you know how to heal from it.

ISJT - Introversion, Sensing, Thinking, Judgment

It's one of many personality results you get from taking a Meyers-Briggs personality test.

Found out some more things : they discussed with one another WH's problems with pornography. XBFF's husband also had a porography problem. So, I guess there was some kind of bonding there?

How could WH discuss his pornography struggle with her and then she my BFF not tell me about it? WTF?

She was laying the ground work to ease you out, so he turned to her for emotional support. She was his confidante, she used your friendship to find ways to break down boundaries. She worked at this. Don't know how much you WS worked at it or whether he just didn't question anything and went with it. But they were both ready to take it to the next level, if they haven't already.

When they discussed their marriages, asking personal questions, giving opinions and advice, they stepped way over the line. He should have been talking to YOU. Not her.

I hope he sticks with helping you heal. It will take time, and he needs to make you his priority.

momentintime, I think you hit the nail on the head, the same thing happened to me. I also fed the OW (our friend) info about my H, I thought she was asking out of concern for me, but then she used the info I gave her against me. Unwiseone I know you are feeling the loss of her friendship, but you have to see it for what it was,it was her trying to move in on your H, this is not a friendship, you do not do those things to your friend. In fact if you are a decent person you do not make a move on a M person full stop.

How could WH discuss his pornography struggle with her and then she my BFF not tell me about it?

The caring and supportive stance of you and your M she had for all that time was to gain your trust until she was completely under the radar as being someone who could be a threat. Being viewed as a safe person, the porn discussion is one example of how she made her move. She positioned herself as more emotionally "safe" than you and then actually stole your place of intimacy by getting him to disclose his deepest issues and secrets. She laid the groundwork and then stepped into an EA with this one move.

I'll never forget a comment from my WW during the debriefing period following Dday. She was talking about her relationship with the OM and was starting to see how messed up it was. She remembered a comment he had made about the first time he ever saw her (which was several years earlier).

"She is out of my league. I could never end up being with her."

It absolutely floored me. His pursuit of her had actually started the first time he saw her. So the entire BFF relationship with me, our two families being inseparable, etc. was all part of a master plan to have an A with my wife. Even with others on this thread also indicating their BFFs took similar paths, it still is shocking to me the depth of betrayal and manipulation that was deliberately planned and executed.

(((Unwise)))

My husband's affair was also with a good friend of mine. I wouldn't say she was my bff, but I considered her a very good friend, and as couples (before her D) we spent many years together; even went on a cruise. Needless to say, her doing this to me hurt almost as badly as my H's betrayal.

Please listen to what others have said before me. I am 16 months out from D-Day and am still being lied to, tt'd, GL'd, all of it. There is a lot to my H's affair I still don't know the truth of, and probably never will.

But the things your x friend has said - listen! While it is not unusual for the WH to brag about prior exploits, he generally is telling the truth. Do whatever you can to find out what is true or it will haunt you forever. I know, I'm there.

I can relate so much to your double betrayal. Just the knowledge that two of your bf's could do this to you is beyond devastating. But the loss of the friendship, someone you cared about, shared your secrets with, trusted - losing that hurts. No matter the reason.

But I speak from experience, she is now nothing but toxic and cannot be trusted.

My "friend" was working for me at the time the affair started. She actually showed me a piece of lingerie she had bought that day for her "new boyfriend", all very hush hush on her new guy. She showed me the slutty outfit she was going to wear for my husband that night. Toxic. Cruel.

I hope your counseling is helping. I hope you are getting the whole story. Keep posting here, it is very helpful.

She was his confidante, she used your friendship to find ways to break down boundaries. She worked at this

Wow guys. Just wow. Thank you.

I don't think she was always this way. We've known her and her family for almost 20 years. We lost touch for a few years, but started talking again about in 2007 or so.

During that week after DD, when I was still texting xBFF and trying to figure out why she allowed this to happen, she accused my husband of being a master manipulator - playing a game of chess with our lives. That really struck me as wrong. I have come to think, she was the chess player. She was the master manipulator. She did have so much insight into my marriage. I shared almost everything with her. She was the one I went to when I didn't understand my husband...about a year ago, when I thought my life my be better if I just left him. She was the one I went to for comfort when my elderly friend died, when my cat died suddenly, etc. She really knew me.

Of course, it's super easy to shift all of my anger and blame onto her at this point, but I know I need to never lose sight in my husband's betrayal as well. I have re-read his timeline he wrote out for my several times (5 pages long!) I am so grateful for it because I don't ever want to forget what he is capable of. I'm so scared of being hurt again (not that the present hurt is over...)

Thank you again, SI family. I'm so glad I found my way here.

Unwiseone, just a couple of weeks ago, OW told me that my H pursued her for a very long time years according to her, until she caved in. This is such a huge shock to me. Is she lying, can I ever believe another word that comes out of her mouth? Now what do I do with this information, is it true?Why is she telling me this now, is it once again to try and destabilise our M? I believe 100% that he was in it as much as she was, the shock part of it for me is, that he pursued her for years. Why didnt she say something to me then? Who knows they are both guilty the way I see it, both as much to blame. I am not willing to get back into the friendship zone with her again, I dont need that kind of a friend!!