SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

EDIT on 11-6-14

Not just a Double Betrayal- a total of 5 affairs, strip club visits, and at least 1 sexting incident (mutual masturbation w/selfies to fellow EQ player). DD2 was 10-29-14 Most recent time I was betrayed? I'm not sure at this point. Maybe DD1?

I also posted my story in the I Can Relate section under Double Betrayal.

2 weeks ago WH confessed in the afternoon. He had to, because my BFF apparently had confessed that morning to her husband. The A was only one time ( about 6 hours previous to the Confession), and they didn't have sex, but if they hadn't been caught by police (making out in her car), they would have had sex.

I am so raw. Our families have been friends for about 20 years. OW was not only my best friend, but my only friend. I'm an introvert. I prefer to keep my social circle small. She and I have children the same age - older teens/young 20s. I am in shock. Every day is different. Some good- some bad. I miss her terribly.

After WH confessed, I wanted to disappear into a hole. Within a few hours, I had decided somehow, with God's strength, I was going to survive & I wanted my marriage to survive.

I texted with my best friend for about a week. I asked her to give me all the details- I needed to know. They'd been texting for probably a year, but the last month or so, they had both crossed the line & the texts became sexual. Her husband came over to my house and eviscerated WH with his words, telling him he was no longer welcome at their house...blah blah blah. I almost called the police because I thought if might get physical.

Her husband has been so cruel to my BFF since she confessed. He is abusing her psychologically and it scares me. I think he might actually break her mind. In spite of this betrayal, I still love her.

WH and I have been experiencing the so-called hysterical bonding. It's been amazing. It's been horrific. It's my life right now. What planet am I on?

[This message edited by UnwiseOne at 8:55 AM, November 6th (Thursday)]

We went to our second marriage counseling session on Saturday. I have so much hope for the future !

But as for me and my BFF/OW, the counselor pointed out how really messed up she is. By telling my story it's become apparent, she had been having issues before the day of the A. She insists my husband has had other affairs (no proof) and he is a master manipulator. I think she is projecting her issues onto my WH. :(

Her husband doesn't want us to have contact anyway, so I will not contact her. We said our goodbyes in a 2.5 hour phone call a few days ago anyway. Out of respect for her husband, I agreed to no contact. But, today I realized I needed the no contact for me and for my marriage.

I will miss her. But, did I ever really know her?

((Unwise))

I simply have no answers to this double betrayal, and I think that you will probably find your feelings swaying back and forth over the next few days.

So sorry that you find yourself in SI, but it is the best place for you to be.

There will be other posters along soon with help and advice, but just to let you know that your story has been heard and that someone here is holding you.

Keep posting.

Keep reading.

Read the Healing Library on the side bar.

Sending you some strength to deal with your turmoil, and love to you and us all.

I'm sorry you are here but glad you found us.

A double betrayal is a special kind of hurt.

Many here have been through it and will be along shortly to help you out.

Hugs

Her husband has been so cruel to my BFF since she confessed. He is abusing her psychologically and it scares me.

I'm curious what your source is for this? Remember the BH is angry and betrayed. Is he being abusive or is he venting the pain of the betrayal verbally?

My point is that your former BFF is manipulative. She had to be to engage in the EA that led up to the PA. That doesn't mean your WH is not manipulative either. He kept the contact with OW hidden.

The confusion over the hysterical bonding is just as normal the bonding itself.

At some point you may question whether the OW was correct in accusing your WH of previous A's. I'd suggest doing a polygraph to address this sooner rather than later. Just a suggestion but it seems like being proactive about it would be better than waiting for those doubts to bubble up and it would give your WH a chance to demonstrate his commitment to R and helping you heal. He may balk at the idea and if does then I'd make it a condition of R...even if he confesses to more. This is called a parking lot confession and it happens (all too often) when the WS is about to undergo a poly and comes clean just before going in to take it. Not to say that it will happen in your case, but if you want to R then you need to rebuild trust. Taking your WH at his word isn't going to work. At least not for some time.

Hello, and glad you were able to find us here. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that we are here for you.

My H and a very good friend of ours also were inappropriate with each other, not an uncommon situation. I hope that your H has apologised for what he has done and is remorseful.

Please dont be too hasty in dismissing what your former best friend has told you about your H. Chances are she could be correct. He may have boasted to her about doing things behind your back. Dont worry about your best friend she chose to participate in something that would hurt you deeply and you were no where near her thoughts, now she has to pay the price. I can see you have a forgiving nature, but dont be a fool.

My question to you is did you really know either one of them your H or your BF?

Brandon has some very wise words.

My situation too was a double betrayl and when I was able to step back from the friendship and the daily sharing, kids, etc, OW was so messed up. Like, really messsed up.

As for your BFF and her BH, maybe she's telling the truth, maybe she's projecting, maybe she's inflating, really at this point, it's not your concern, you need to focus on your M. And maybe she was telling the truth about your H, maybe not. That's for you to figure out when you're ready.

We have had no contact with the other couple in almost 3 years. It's actually been very nice.

I'm so sorry you are here. I too am going through the double betrayal. It's brutal. Not only is your marriage not what you thought it was, your friendship wasn't either. It tends to double up your grieving process.

When I first found out I felt so badly for the OW and her situation (which all turned out to be lies she told to keep me from outing her), felt bad that WH and her could no longer be friends (I was seriously messed up) and that we were losing the couple that were our best friends. Please don't make that mistake. Give yourself time, take care of yourself and be sure to double and triple check anything your WH or former BFF tells you. They are both in the cover our ass stage of being caught. It is hard - you so want to believe what he says, that he truly regrets what he did, that it only happened one time. But experience has taught me when they are caught they are not capable of truth yet. It's more of a deer in the headlights reaction, only capable of trying to protect themselves.

Keep posting - I know it's hard sometimes to read the responses, but for me the items in my story that other posters called BS on were exactly that. There are great people on here that can help you get through this.

Many hugs. I can imagine you missing your friendship, what you thought you had. But with a friend like this, who needs enemies. She/WH did this for a year, a year of lies, deceit while acting normal with you. They both showed their lack of honor, honesty and decency and respect for you through this. Don't ever feel sorry for her. Her husband has got to be very hurt by this as well and don't believe a word she says to you to evoke sympathy. She has been dishonest for so long, so she doesn't deserve your trust anymore. I would trust her husband more than her or your WH at this time. Like someone said, insist on a poly and see what he says.

The OW is not your BFF. The moment she crossed the line with your husband, she became your enemy. She was waging war on your family for more than a year.

You need to stay NC with her for YOUR sake.

We went to our second marriage counseling session on Saturday. I have so much hope for the future !

In spite of this betrayal, I still love her.

While it is possible to recover from this and build a better marriage, you probably aren't in a position to make this statement yet. Especially when one is an introvert, everything is invested into those very few, close relationships. Having parallel families only tightens the bond. Trust can run so deep in these instances that it can take some time to really start to grasp what has happened. At this point, you are still in shock or denial.

My story is very similar to yours. In my case, it was neighbors from a few houses down that we did everything with. Kids were the same ages (teens) and also were close friends. The OM was my closest friend as we seemed to share so much in common and, with him being a pastor in a church, I thought our relationship was extra deep and trusting. His wife was my WW's best friend as well. They were caught by the OM's wife in their home (sexual, but not intercourse) so a confession had to be made ASAP.

I worked hard to get everyone help. Talked with the other wife. Made sure they had some references for counseling. Discussed their concerns that the OM would lose his job along with how to handle things to try and "protect" him. Arranged counseling for my wife and I. At that point in time, I was also very optimistic for a quick recovery. A neighbor had to sit me down and say "You're caring for everyone else when you've been run over by a Mac truck. Who is helping you?" It was accurate. I was in shock and denial and it would take weeks and months before I started to absorb what had happened.

I talked with the other wife on a few occasions in the weeks following Dday. It became readily apparent that her husband wasn't disclosing anything close to what my wife had. While I had been told about an affair that grew over the course of a year that included contact between them on significant events (anniversaries, birthdays, family trips, etc.) and involved sexting and physical activity, the other wife was under a different understanding. She was fully trusting her husband and wasn't aware of emails between my WW and the OM from post Dday declaring how they would make it through this or of multiple attempts at contact by the OM in the weeks that followed.

She insists my husband has had other affairs (no proof) and he is a master manipulator. I think she is projecting her issues onto my WH.

While she might be, you simply don't know what your WH is or isn't capable of at this moment. You only have his story to base everything on and are being fully trusting of him right now. After an A, that is shaky ground.

What planet am I on?

It is truly a crazy ride. You've come to the right place because you can get support and insight here. Take it a day at a time and take care of yourself. Check out the Healing Library for some good resources and consider IC for yourself as you have a lot in front of you.

Our families have been friends for about 20 years

He is abusing her psychologically

I know you saw him very upset when he came over to speak with your WH (rightfully so). But does he have a history of mental/emotion? If you have been friends for 20 years, she would of mentioned this prior (even if she was hiding it).

She insists my husband has had other affairs (no proof) and he is a master manipulator

She might be projecting but I think I would give her information some attention. This is a woman that confessed on her own within hours of a one-time thing. I really don't understand why she would throw more made-up fuel on the fire when what they did was bad enough. IE if she was seeking attention....she already had plenty.

I know you are working to repair your M. Please make sure you have all the transparencies to heal. You don't really say what your WH is doing to help you (besides your MC).

I am sorry that you have to mourn what you thought you had in two relationships.

Unwise up:

Brandon offered good advice, IMO.

A polygraph can help.

It's possible your PERCEIVED BFF, is telling the truth about your husbands other affairs, but this women can NOT be trusted.

A friend does not eff a best friend's husband.

Heck, in my single days, when my best friend had designs on some guy, I would steer clear of him, even if he was flirtatious.

My friendship to my best friend came first.

Also, It may be painful to acknowledge and accept, but as others have pointed out, this women is not your friend.

IMO, it's best to avoid her in the future.

Sorry this is happening to you. Double betrayals are the tough.

I don't think either of you should be talking to the OW.

A friend does not screw a friend's H. She is not your friend.

Of course her H was angry when he found out. He was betrayed, his wife cheated on him.

The OW, your "BFF", may be lying about her H abusing her and about your H, she is a sick person. The OW in my case, a "friend", blamed everything on her H and used that as her excuse to come on to and screw my H (not letting him off the hook, he could have said NO). Her H was mean to her, he always criticized her, he was lazy, he wouldn't give her a divorce, he snored, blah blah blah. If it was that bad she should have left him.

Of course your H may still be lying. After all, he is a liar and a cheat too.

You need to focus on you first, then your M, should you decide to R.

Sorry you have found yourself here Unwise One.

I, too was doubly betrayed but she certainly played me for a fool.

She kept up our daily emails and weekly phone calls and listened to me talking about how my marriage seemed to be going downhill and I couldn't figure out why. I even mentioned to her that if he was seeing another woman, which I couldn't even imagine, that at least that might explain his shitty behavior.

That was the night before he flew her 1st class across the country for a trip (business - ya right) to Savannah for a week. One of our favorite cities we've visited. I found the hotel they were staying in on a note in his office. It was $400/night (we never stayed in places like that), very romantic, canopy bed, fireplace - the works.

He was so nice when he returned and brought me a lousy bag of Pecans - how generous. In exchange, I brought up the photo of his hotel room and showed it to him. That was the end of that - and I got a full confession.

He did mention that she really used to diss me to him (BITCH!) and it made him 'uncomfortable' when she talked like that to him but I have a feeling that dissing me went both ways. He was also 'uncomfortable' that she was still wanting to be my friend as I told him we emailed all the time.

Well, 9 mos later - divorced. (together 36 yrs) Now he and her can go off and be comfortable together. The fuckwads.

UnwiseOne--hugs to you! Ugh, a double betrayal must be doubly hellish and I'm so sorry.

I would strongly urge you to get your own therapist to sort some of this stuff out in your head. You are still clearly in the early days of all of this but at some point you are going to have a major meltdown when the shock of being in your situation wears off.

Stay far away from your former BFF--she is extremely toxic and it's hard for you to see that now. But trust me, she is. Whatever is going on her end of things is now none of your concern and you should stay well away.

A therapist of your own will give you the space to share your pain especially since you've lost your best friend in this mess. If you don't have any other close friends it would really help to support you. Take care of yourself.

Brandon808-

Her husband has been so cruel to my BFF since she confessed. He is abusing her psychologically and it scares me.

I'm curious what your source is for this?

When my xBFF and I were texting after she and WH confessed to their respective spouses, she was telling me about the reactions he was having. I have heard her tell stories about how he treats her before any of this happens, so it's not totally unbelievable. However, I have not seen this side of him in real life~ I've only heard her stories. But, I am ready to let this go, because I know she can reach out to others if she needs help. I cannot be her help. I cannot be her friend right now.

**

amanda123-

I hope that your H has apologised for what he has done and is remorseful.

He has. He's apologized. He's said he will do whatever it takes to make our marriage right.

**

KeepCalm_CarryOn-

As for your BFF and her BH, maybe she's telling the truth, maybe she's projecting, maybe she's inflating, really at this point, it's not your concern, you need to focus on your M.

Yes. Agreed. Just a few days ago, I would not have agreed with this. A few days of NC with xBFF (and, I am ready to call her "xBFF" now, but wasn't ready a few days ago) has helped me gain some perspective. I've analyzed a ton of conversations we've had over the years. I never realized quite how jealous she was of me, my marriage (even though it wasn't really going well), and my kids. She had definitely romanticized what my life was like. My life was full of routine. Many of that routine did not include a whole lot of time/energy for my marriage. I am sad for that, but WH and I are working on that.

**

Crushed7-

A neighbor had to sit me down and say "You're caring for everyone else when you've been run over by a Mac truck. Who is helping you?" It was accurate. I was in shock and denial and it would take weeks and months before I started to absorb what had happened.

I am in shock. I know I am. And I am trying to take care of everyone else. In our situation, my xBFF's husband, holds a prominent job and has been a leader in the Christian music scene here for many years. WH was his band mate. They are no longer playing together, but have been close for so many years. This has hurt and is tearing apart other former band members as well. xBFF hosted so many parties/family get togethers at her house...traditions for our families. I am mourning. That's for sure.

I am trying to put them out of mind for now, so I can focus on me & my marriage. They live a few cities over, fortunately, but I am not looking forward to the day when we bump into them at the mall, a concert, etc.

**

BrokenheartedUK-

Stay far away from your former BFF--she is extremely toxic and it's hard for you to see that now. But trust me, she is. Whatever is going on her end of things is now none of your concern and you should stay well away.

I will. I'll stay away. She is toxic. WH and I were discussing her in MC on Saturday. I talked about one of the reasons I loved my xBFF was because of what a supportive, encouraging person she was. She was always telling me how great, beautiful, strong I was. She would encourage me to work on my marriage. She told me about how my my WH was in love with me. I knew they were texting. I kind of knew when it started. I thought it would be ok, because they were discussing the difficult personalities that both myself and her husband have (ISTJ). xBFF and WH both are extraverted... and more spontaneous, free spirited. She was asking WH about how I would act in certain situations (e.g. does your wife (me) get really quiet in when she is angry about blah, blah, blah? dumb example) and WH husband would say...why, yes. She does. And they would discuss how to deal with our difficult personalities. Something like that. Anyway, apparently, she was also saying super flattering things to my husband, about how great he is, and how much his wife (me) is in love with him. She was stroking his ego & also telling both of us how much the other loved the other. However, and least I was not expressing this to my xBFF. If I talked about my WH, it was usually a complaint about his smoking, staying out late on a work night, not calling, not planning things ahead, etc. Weird. I'm not sure how to figure that out. It's like she was trying to manipulate me and WH into a better marriage, but somehow things got so twisted, and someone crossed a line in the texts. They got flirty. She kept stroking his ego. Things eventually got sexual in the texts (no pictures, they both claim...whatever)

Sorry, this is so long. There is so much to work through. But, I am going to try to focus my marriage only. It's so hard though with our lives having been so intertwined.

I do not look forward to Christmas when I find the homemade ornaments from their family in our boxes of decorations. Ugh.

Tell your WH to get out those decorations and destroy them. You shouldn't have to deal with that on top of everything else.

As for her BH's reaction...honestly, as long as he isn't hitting her, he has a right to react as he wants. If he is calling her names..well...frankly she's earned them.

You need to go complete NC with OW and her family. Im sorry that your WH has to leave the band...but that was an expected consequence of his actions with another member's wife. It's good that he has been made to leave. The more consequences he has, the less chance he will cheat again.

Dear Unwise,

FWS's last FB was with someone I considered a friend. And like your situation we both had kids in the same age span, did stuff together, blahblahblah.........

On Dday FWS insisted that they had not had sex YET but were planning it. I went so far as to talk to both of them and tell them what a stupid and bad idea it was. I kept asking if they had sex for over a month and FWS continued to deny. Then for whatever reason (probably because I wasn't letting it go and FWS was a coward at his core) he confessed they had been having sex for over three months.

What I'm getting at is my BS meter pinged over your WS's story of a year of texting and one time physical. Sweetie.....there's more here.

Keep digging.

k9

Why did she confess? Guilt? I say this gently but it has to be said. I smell a rat in the kitchen.

Very few waywards confess. Especially 6 hours after NOT having sex. Making out in a car is not illegal. Does her husband know the cop? Why would she confess? It doesn't add up for me.

It is possible that there is more to their story. I'd be VERY suspicious. Step back and look from the beginning of this what you know and ask yourself if you'd believe that story if you heard it from somebody that you knew lies often to you. Because that's who they both are.

I would vet that story out. Contact police department? Have WH give details how that night went down. How police became involved. When he knew that bff was confessing. Did WH and bff discuss the confessions?

Also, what would her motivation be to make up story about WH having previous affairs? What does she gain from that? Sounds like she's trying to hurt your WH. Why? Did he dump her or do something to make her angry and now she's confessing pieces of info to her husband? Knowing that her husband will have words with your WH?

I always trust my gut and my gut says something stinks with this story.