SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Why is it so hard for you to understand that I am done?

Can you not comprehend - I am so not into you?

You are an un-empathetic, revolting piece of human sewage.

Drift on...... shit-for-brains.

You've been cut loose.

I hate your guts.

Lying

cheating

creepy

Young-girl / young prostitute PERVERT

Selfish

CREEP

Why can't you show any remorse?

Do you even care?

Did you ever love me?

Does this man really make you feel more complete than I did?

Fuck you and your selfish ways.

Fuck your constant need for attention.

Fuck your unawareness of the damage you done to our daughter and I.

Fuck your pity party.

You lost a man who loved you more than anyone else.

You lost my family who probably love you more than your own.

It kills me you will probably never get it.

If you do, it'll be too late.

I wont let you damage our daughter like your mother damaged you.

[This message edited by Stuckinlimbo8607 at 8:47 PM, January 30th (Monday)]

I hope you had a good night and feel better this morning.

I wish you realised how much I would like you to reach out to me. Yes,I can't live with the lack of emotional connection but that doesn't mean I don't want you. If only you could step out and face the fear and take my hand.

Instead we are in this awful awful.place where we can't even talk to each other. I feel so terribly sad. I wish you knew how much. I miss you. I miss the good parts of us. I am so terribly sad for everything we are losing.

I've posted here many times but FINALLY I have no desire to say ANYTHING to 'him'. It feels so good to not care enough, either way, to need to say anything.

You said you're a trainwreck and don't know what you want in life right now. You said, but I do know I Love YOU.

You filed for D that same day.

Who does that???

Hello NPD slurm.

Your hoover isn't going to get an answer. I also know you're snooping around after me. Get lost. You know you've lost. I can actually make decisions now, as I'm myself again. And my decision is not to feed you, stupid vampire. So fuck off and drown in your stupid 13 year old grand emotions that are not. You stupid nothing.

Those of you dealing with narcissists/psychopaths, which I would guess are quite a high percentage of those in this section - we don't get justice, but there is some semblance of it in that they eventually rot in their own hell. Problem is, they don't even notice it. But hell, I wouldn't want to be in that thing's skin not for one. single. moment. I have a life - him???? Nothing inside - really, it would be pitiful if they didn't do so much damage.

I've tried to keep it together. I've been strong. I've held my head high. I've been taking care of myself, the house, our daughter and everything I could. But I couldn't hold it all together. I suspect I will lose my job this week and I'll have to ask you to add me to your healthcare.

This idea horrifies me more than I can say. No one else understands that I'm carrying too much both inside and out. I can't be this responsible all the time. No matter how hard I've worked, I'm still hurting and I still need to keep my mind from dwelling on where I am so very much of the time. And it's your fault. You put me here - you did this. And now I have to throw myself on any mercy you have and let you know I've failed.

I hate you. I hate where my heart is and I don't know how to get it back inside me and away from you and what you did. I want to succeed and live well and I hate you more because I can't seem to get it right.

below is a bellowing rant.

just need to vent. really want to go lie down in a forest and scream for hours, pick up dirt and throw it, rip tress out of the ground. can't believe how upset, angry, devastated, alone I feel. Have to hold it all together at work now and for the kids later. I have no place to vent but here. thank you SI.

- overwhelmed by trial prep. STBXWH finally sent his information from formal discovery which was requested MONTHS ago. He drags his feet, his arrogance was pouring out through that document, objeting to this and that, that's irrelevant he says, doesn't need to provide that info - wtf? yet when i have a need, it goes unmet. Late for every single support payment. My lawyer has threatened to take him to court b/c of this. I asked months ago through my lawyer to put my name on two bills that I'm paying (have no control to change anything until then) but does he give a crap? Not at all. he has a million dollar mansion he just bought, TWO count them TWO personal assistants and he is trying to screw me out of a fair settlement. he paid tens of thousands of $$ for OW - lawyer fees, first class flights, a love shack for years. He drained our retirement account and is being such a miserly, stingy person. It's so scary. I'm so exhausted. I'm a frugal person generally, but am fighting for my kids and me to keep our home and a decent retirement (that we worked years to build). I put his ass through pre med, med school, a 7 year residency, the first part of his career and feel like he's trying to fuck me and screw me out of a fair settlement. I've cut down on everything in my life big time. I've never been high maintenance. Yet worked my ass off to support him for decades. Heard rumors he was fired - could be true?? he was fired from his last job. that would sure change everything. Nothing is guaranteed. I just don't know how to cope with this uncertainty. I know in my heart I can sell the house, live in a two bedroom apt. w/my kids and cats and we will be ok. But I'm so bitter about that b/c we lived hand to mouth for 20 years we were broke so many times, living on loans and credit cards, so we didn't have to live with that economic uncertainty. We worked tirelessly to lift ourselves out of poverty, unemployment, years of shitty jobs and being treated like crap by bosses who have power while you have none. Being sexually harassed at work multiple times but feeling powerless to do anything bc i didn't want to get fired and needed the damn job. years of crappy cars and inexpensive apartments where shit broke down all the time. And working to build a life where we both had education and power. Working a ft job, going to school then coming home and doing all of the chores of the house, all of the raising of kids. And now I'm feeling fucked by him. after all the decades I worked to support him in his dream. He's off living the dream, with TWO people to wipe his ass, in his 10 acre fucking horse farm/massive estate (which coincidentally is infected with fire ants - the best news ever) , and wouldn't really care if I do end up back in cheap apartment living.

- i've been sick the past two weeks w/bronchitis and sinus crap, exhausted, the daily grind is grueling and relentless,

- my son said that his dad told him that work is more important than family. what a fucking awful thing to say to your kid. and i'm left dealing with the fall out of both kids feeling abandoned.

- i'm alone in all of the decision making for the family. he doesn't give a rats ass, doesn't care about report cards, doesn't go to doctors appoitnemnts or teachers conferences, never stayed home with a sick kid, never prepared a meal for them.

- b/c money is so uncertain, i'm hesitant to splurge on fun things, fear making vacation plans, am building up an emergency fund in case he is fired, etc.

- I'm feeling old, unwanted, thrown away. looks like fucking perimenopause is starting and i'm feeling like crap. crazy emotions (clearly) all over the place. fear no one will ever love a nearly 50 year old woman with young children. can't ever imagine actually trusting someone again after years of STBXWH living a double life seamlessly.

- i never get a break. between my job and my kids, the house, the puking cat, the hyperthyroid cat, the socially rejected son, the clingy daughter, the shopping, laundry, crumbs all over the car...

- I'm feeling whiny, complaining, just don't know

how in the hell i'm going to get myself out of this hole i feel i'm in.

- i'm usually not this neurotic sounding. usually i'm pretty calm, balanced, level headed. This feels so unfamiliar. I'm scared, lonely, angry as hell, bitter. how do i get through this? how? how?

- feel so sad...shocked sometimes. how could he leave a good family? I was a good wife. I cared so much for him. Now, truly glad he is gone, but can't get that motherfucker out of my mind. wtf? he's always there.

- yes, i work out regularly, yes i hire sitters, i'm on meds, have a good therapist, my mom is helping me. i have good friends. a good job. i'm functioning fine. do divorce care. I have fun activities. So even though self care is ok, i still feel this crappy way.

- I don't want to be a victim. That's how I feel. I feel victimized by him, his lying deceit, manipulations, arrogance, power. How do i feel strong when I actually feel so fucked, screwed, used, thrown away, rejected, uncared for. and fucking totally exhausted. yet have to stay strong for everyone around me.

- and yes i have a totally kick ass lawyer. so i trust she's on my side and got my back. one of the best things to come from this mess.

- just needed to get that out. thanks for being here SI. Thanks for holding this crap. had to get it off my chest.

Today the kids had a dance party in the house. You missed it.

There are days that I want to hate you and him so badly for the double betrayal. My heart is in a thousand pieces. You both knew that I would be destroyed but didn't even give it a thought did you.

Did you not care that I would be left completely alone? No wife, no best friend? Most days I just want to die, it would be easier, but then you would be off the hook and that is not going to happen.

Every time you text me your stupid ringtone sends waves of panic through me. The fact that you show no remorse kills me, 25 years and you don't even care at all. I don't even understand how a person could have that little emotion.

I pray for both of you every night because I still care, I beg God to steer my heart in a different direction, to take my love away.

I wish you had the panic attacks that I have had. I wish you wanted to throw up every time you look at food.

Do you even care what you have done to our son? He will think about this the rest of his life. Do you know how hard it was for him to tell me you and my best friend were having an affair. He was wrecked. He doesn't ever want to get married, has he told you that?

I hope that one day you will experience the same level of anguish. I hope you both do. I hope your wife takes you for everything you are worth. You acted like you were so sorry and still continued to see my wife. You have no moral character what so ever. Our friendship of 13 years meant nothing? Our friends think you are a piece of crap. Everyone talks about you but your too stupid to realize it. Your outstanding reputation is in jeopardy, jerk.

One day I will be on top again and the two of you will only be a bad memory.

You’re cold and unfeeling. I don’t even know who you are. I do know you’re a terrible person. I can't wait for you to be out of my life.

[This message edited by Shattereddd at 10:19 PM, February 16th (Thursday)]

So the whore gets a trip to Cancun. Did you make her pay 1/2 of the vacation like you always did me? Or did she pay you in other ways if you know what I mean? I looked at the pictures and thought they looked like all our pictures together through the years except you have a butt ugly whore beside you instead of your beautiful, faithful, caring wife. All the comments that everyone made about how good you look together, wishing you a fun time, etc... made me want to Do these people really think what you and the whore did to me and our marriage was OK? Do they really think that you didn't assault me and hold a gun to my head? Do they think it was OK to hurt me, expose me to STD's, and make me lose everything I ever worked for? They are delusional too. Just put on the good Christian face and all will be OK. I don't know how they even walk into a church without lightening striking them dead. There is not a one of them that doesn't have skeletons in their closet. I should come to the next family reunion and I could tell all of your families dirty little secrets. It would be just like a Jerry Springer show and you and the whorebag would be top of the list of guests. I hate you more everyday that I can't just forget you and what you did to me.

Why did you look to my marriage, when the spark was gone in yours? Why do you get to keep your wife, kids, family friends? I don't have a wife now, I only get to see my son when he needs something, I had to leave my pets, my house, my stuff, all because you wanted to screw my wife? You were my friend for 13 years! Do you not have a soul? A heart? and yet you accused me of playing the victim? Please explain to me how I'm not the victim! I have lost everything I held dear in my life.

But I still pray for you, I ask God to help me forgive you - what is wrong with me?

Just saying you are “owning your shit” doesn’t mean you are. You aren’t. Not by a long shot.

[This message edited by Shattereddd at 10:18 PM, February 16th (Thursday)]

Ah......... so you didn't read the 10 page letter I wrote you.

The letter that explains my hurt

The letter that spells out my trauma

The letter that shows you why I still love you, whilst hating the awful way you treated me and our children over the last 30 years.

So...... you are ANGRY.

That I asked you if you had read my letter?

Was distraught when it became obvious that you hadn't even bothered?

YOU have (once again) flounced off to the spare room..... because I established (once again) that you couldn't give a flying fuck?

I'd softened because you've so kind and caring whilst I was in hospital, but in real life?

I see you.

And you are an absolute FUCKWIT.

Roll on the divorce you creep.

I hate that I feel sorry for you. You had an affair with someone 15 years your junior and fell in love and wanted a divorce after knowing her for 2 weeks. You devastated my life. I moved out. A few days later, you realized you were crazy and wanted me back. I hate that you gave up so quickly and I can't forgive that. But, when you call and want me back and send me videos of you signing sad love songs it makes me feel bad for you. Sorry that you made a rash decision that you will regret for the rest of your life. I am happy to be out of the relationship with you. But, I still feel sorry for you. I hate that.

So yesterday you informed me your going after everything you can and I'm not entitled to anything from our 22 year relationship.

You've lied to me and back stabbed me so many times it isn't even a surprise anymore that you went back on everything we talked about.

Today you want to make small talk with me, as our daughter and I are still stuck living with you due to you going back on your word again.

Screw you, I hate having to come home and see you every day. Worst mistake I ever made was taking your cheating ass back 4 1/2 years ago and forcing you to get the mental help you needed, just to betray me again with another man.

I feel like a scumbag sometimes because of how I feel at times towards you. I cant help wishing I had let you die sometimes, and that's not who I want to be as a person.

Someday I may forgive you but I doubt it. You're too self absorbed to care about anything but your wants and desires and screw everybody else.

No soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:36 PM, February 19th (Sunday)]

Are you with her still? I feel that you are not, but I will never know...if you are, how long before you cheat on her? How long before she loses her GD mind, bc she seems crazy based on her horrible treatment of me, so I cant imagine the controlling-manipulation she has over you..frankly its your own H*ll for doing what you did. What kind of a relationship is that, when from start to finish with her it was all lies? Why didn't you let me go!!!!!!!!! I tried to leave SO MANY TIMES!!!! I hate that you are so effin selfish!

If you are not with her, how are you feeling? Do you wake up sad and disgusted with yourself? How much do your family and friends know about what REALLY happened? Do you miss me? Do you ever wish you could go back, and talk to me instead of cheating? ...actually forget that, you know why? I wanted out and you wouldn't let me go and I was in my own sh*t and stayed, so THANK YOU - THANK YOU!! ...bc now I get to have something amazing..I get to be happy, I get to always have my promises kept, I get to plan vacations months in advance (instead of 2 weeks bc of your work schedule)..I get to re-establish who I am, and I get another opportunity to fall in love with someone that will ADORE ME, CHERISH ME, NEVER EVER HURT ME...I'm realizing you are sick, you are incomplete, you are not capable of healthy relationships...you are meant to NEVER BE MARRIED, you are suppose to date casually...why did we talk about having a child, YOU ARE NOT EQUIPPED TO BE A FATHER, you are to pre-occupied with your fishing..its always come first...

I hope you stay single so not to ever hurt another woman, bc no woman deserves your love when you don't even love yourself...I loved you so much, and I'm grateful for the happy times in the beginning, but please..please get out of my head now..take care of yourself, catch as many fish as you like..and remember who I am, bc I'm the one that fulfilled your incompleteness..maybe just maybe it will bring you some peace...or maybe a sailfish will poke you in your genitals..just sayin