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Hard to have NC when we are doing in house separation , but keeping everything to bare bones conversations

Did tell him we would have to put pen to paper with some in house rules I guess. And to figure out some finances and oh ya he has to get a job. He has been trying but no one is calling back due to the holidays. Hopefully that will change tomorrow.

Gotta get my ducks in a row. My job starts back Wednesday from winter break. Gotta focus on that and not let it show all over my face.

We have not been separated since d day when I kicked him out. And there was another instance shortly after that I needed him to go again for a couple of days. I know it is just in house separation but it feels as if he is not here at all

I miss the laughter and playing with our fur baby.

I must admit I am by no means suicidal don’t get me wrong I would never take my own life due to this shit , but I would be ok if I didn’t wake up tomorrow

Fuck you. Who the hell are you? You knew how important it was to me that if I ever got married that it be a lifelong commitment. And what do you do? You destroy our whole family. We built a life together. We stood together through tough times. I was with you when you give birth to our children. FUCK YOU!

I'm sick of being told to move forward, that it's in the past, that to tell people the truth is "shaming". You SHOULD be ashamed. You SHOULD be terrified of what I'll say or do.

You deserve NOTHING. If our kids hate you when they're old enough to learn the truth, so be it. I know what it means to grow up in a broken home. I hate you. I hate the devastation you've caused and I shouldn't hold back when you push my buttons. But I will, because you don't deserve the satisfaction of thinking you occupy any part of my thoughts. You're dead to me. I buried my wife on dday.

I hope karma murders your soul like you did to mine. I hope you get devastated some how, some way, so badly that you're left in a state of complete and utter shock because that's what you did to me.

I've found my path forward. I never thought the day would come, but I think I'll actually be ok. Happy, even. I won't let this nightmare define me and I'm not going to tell you a damn thing about my life. It's hilarious that you think I'm seeing someone. You can keep guessing why I'm happier again.

[This message edited by FlyingPegasus at 8:39 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

I didn't answer your question about whether or not our DS had his instrument with him. Our 15 year old, smart, mature DS who is capable of answering this on his own if you asked HIM. Then you text me with a snarky comment and call me...ME a difficult person.

This is laughable.

I can see why you thought I was like you. Sex is my drug of choice. Something I used to run away from pain in my life. But yours isn't sex, it's attention. And your need is so great you can't go for 5 minutes without it. So last night, when I triggered and had a panic attack in group therapy, I thought about reaching out to you. But instead I dealt with my hurt head on. I felt unheard, I felt embarrassed for having emotions. This had nothing to do with my therapist and everything to do with my mother. I can heal that wound, even though it will take a lot of work. I will remember that you do not offer understanding, just a temporary fix, a way to run away from what I need to face, and it ends in a nightmarish hell.

WS:What I said was true that you and DD have a place in my heart.

Me: Then stop with the bullshit for once.. don't cover up the fact that you tried to keep me on retainer in case shit didnt work out with you and OW. Admit you lied that you cheated that you led me on

that you lied to BOTH of us

from where I sit you have no heart. all you think about is your own self not how your actions affect the people who love you.

Stop acting like im some fucking crazy irrational person for being angry and hurt for your continuous lies

Have you even bothered talking to our daughter about any of this? Her stomach aches and crying for you to come home? Or do you just sweep her under the rug too?

telling me the day she had to leave she has a stomach ache and just wants Daddy to stay away longer because Daddy's an asshole?

So yeah once again.... I want closure and to be able to communicate with you without the lies and disrespect. I can't move forward and co parent with you when I have no respect for you or your actions towards us. I need to be healthy to raise her alone... and closure is the only thing thats going to do that. When other couples split there's a fight. A reason... and explanation. All you have ever given me is lie after lie. I can't respect you as a person or as a parent when you put your needs ahead of your daughter.

THU 5:06PM

Here's the hard core truth from my soul and I don't care who it hurts because nobody who gets involved with you and loves you deserves anything than 100% of you. The truth. the good the bad the ugly. I accept full ownership for my share of our relationship. I was angry I did yell a lot and badger you for answers. You have never once acknowledged the why. Never once did you step back and put yourself in my situation. How it felt to give up my entire home and stability and independance to follow you to Van to pursue your dreams. I had no friends no family, I had you and DD. You went to college every day, I raised our baby alone. You had no time for me. No date nights, no flowers, no romance I was alone. I'd tell you how I feel and you'd ignore me. I never stood in your way from trying to get your goals. Your mother hated me, the drinking the drama the bullshit. The seizures, worrying about your health... then the mental health shit. The shit with the Russian girl... the going out with your friends and never inviting me. Still I stood by you. The cold callous hatred... why? You knew my past, you knew I had abandonment issues, You knew more about me than anyone in the world. Then the shit you did, accusing me of being a lesbian, going through my phone and texts. The accusations of cheating and giving you diseases, trying to fist me, accusing me of molesting my kids.. hitting me. I told you I'd never be with another woman beating goof in my life.. I left you! I was FUCKING OVER YOU! And poof you have to come back into my life crying and begging for another chance... From day 1 you knew 100% I was with you ride or die I fucking loved you more than anyone.. ever in my life. All I have ever done was try to be honest with you to a fault ALWAYS and time and again you play with my head and heart. If your goal is to completely destroy me as a human being and render me useless to even be able to stand to be around you ever again. You need to give me the closure I need. Think about what you have done. I just found out November 24th. that you were in a relationship with OW. Rather than be respectful to me, what you have done.. apologize even... you have blatantly stuck your new relationship in my face. You have my freaking kid and my mother on your facebook ffs... You don't think that shit hurts? But I'm supposed to be respectful of your new relationship because why? When I see you cheat on me and start your new relationship lying to her about me you expect loyatly from me? My child is in pain over your poor choices. I always gave you an out... always told you no matter how much it hurts me to just tell me the truth. I literally have no idea how to move forward and not hate your fucking guts if you don't fucking understand where i'm coming from and what I need. I don't want to hate you. I've always stood by every choice you have made to my own detriment. But you need to understand your actions define you. I've asked you a million questions and I don't know doesn't cut it. I don't love you anymore. I know it's over but I don't want to hate you. Stop pretending you are afraid to hurt me, we've long since crossed that bridge. Ultimately if you want my respect and for me to move forward I need to know that I didn't waste the last 10 years of my life believing that you are a decent human being instead of a cold, heartless, callous piece of shit who only hurts the people who love him.

So be accountable that is not too much for me to ask. And be honest. I did nothing to deserve this. I deserve to know moving forward that the lies out of you stop. I'm not some piece of shit for standing by you. You're a piece of shit for not giving me closure.

[This message edited by RedRebel at 11:43 AM, January 6th (Saturday)]

Dear Lying, Cheating, Cowardly, Selfish, Fucking Bastard:

You are MY HUSBAND, start fucking acting like it! Grow the fuck up. Grow a pair of balls. Stop your fucking cheating. Stop lying to us and to yourself. You want me to okay for DS's sake? Get help? Get counseling? You need the fucking counselling too, Dumbass. You have issues that need to fixed too, Dipshit. you need help, for YOUR SAKE, YOU FUCKING MORON!!!

You did THIS to US. You put your cock and ego ahead of the needs your your FAMILY! FUCK YOU!!

YOU FUCKING OWE ME YOU SON OF A FUCKING BITCH WHORE!!!

OOH! There's the issue. You need a Mommy just like you're own! I'm not a desperate good for nothing whore like your mother was so you found her in your new "girlfriend".

FUCK YOU!

GET HELP AND GET HOME! FOR DS'S SAKE, YOU FUCKING DICKHEAD!

Fuck, fuck, fuck!! I will not respond to your texts. I will NOT. Yeah, I miss you too. But when I say it it's the truth and you are just trying to fuck with my head.

Eta: and within 10 minutes my lack of response has turned into insane accusations. I blocked you on FB because seeing your name hurts my heart. But go ahead and get all paranoid about my friend, who you've met, but don't remember because you don't pay attention to anyone but yourself.

[This message edited by redfury at 10:51 PM, January 7th (Sunday)]

Once, I felt so sad.

My mate

My person

My friend

The one who loved me , the one who loved unquestionably, with my whole heart and soul.

Who cheated, and lied,

And fucked

And flirted, it turned out for all of our 30 years together.

Now?

I look at you.

You fat fuck

and see a PATHETIC piece of shit.

Even now

According to you

I have NO RIGHT to question you.

(Actually...... I don't give a FUCK)

Just keep my voice down

Oh just fuck off and die - you sad failure of a human being.

Prostitutes?

You just make me want to puke

People are always saying they bet you regret leaving your life. Someone that knows you but just an aquaintense of mine, recently said that and that you would NEVER admit it.

Would you admit you regretted the affair, leaving your life, leaving me, marrying immediately after our divorce was final or the terrible way you treated me? It would help me to know you regretted something so I would know I wasn't really the cause of all your unhappiness.

I can see you are struggling financially and hear you and your 'wife' say mean things about each other...and she's a cheater liar and thief. You can't be happy. And you can't blame me for your life the past 3 years. But I still long to hear "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong"or "I regret it all"

Dear stbxw,

There were no fights no arguments no sit downs or calls to go to counseling. We had a good marriage. No it was not perfect, and I was not a perfect husband or father nor were you the perfect wife or mother. Not until you began the affair that you pursued. You now say you were unhappy for years. That is a lie that you must believe to justify the affair you are having. I must be horrible and he must be the man of you dreams for you to do this to me.

You pretended to be his wifes friend. You did the brides hair for her wedding. You went to there wedding with me in the midst of the affair and gave me a kiss and told me to go home early so I could get some sleep before I took our son, your biological son that I adopted and adore to his game in the morning. Then you were seen embracing the groom in the parking lot at his own reception.

When my guts told me something was wrong and I was on my knees begging to let me in you told me I was shit and that you were unhappy. You would later tell me you started having sex with him after but I am sure that was a lie to.

When you never came home that night you went to your families cabin where we shared memories with our family and I saw his truck was gone I knew.

I confronted you the next day and you confessed. You said you were sorry and that you didnt mean for it to happen. That was a lie to. The bank records show that you began tanning, primping and spending and doing whatever you could to pursue him. He pretended to be my friend. He hung christmas lights with me went trick or treating with me and the kids and you stayed back with his wife. You both played house under our nose.

You told me that you never had a plan to tell me. You werent there for our kids during the affair and havent been now. When our children cry you say its because they are tired or its normal. This is a lie. They cry because you destroyed this family.

You moved in, directly accross the street, 2 days after I found out after I pleaded with you with tears in my eyes about what this was doing to me. You wanted the kids to share time with you and your affair partner 5 days after you confessed and 2 days after they knew.

You are not the woman I married. I loved her with my whole heart. My wife died the day you broke our vows. You are not my wife. My wife was caring, simple, hardworking, and a good mother. You are selfish, self centered, and your needs outweigh that of our children.

You stopped paying bills during the affair, now I cant buy a house because you destroyed my credit. I had to find the debt collectuon notices you hid. You say your "sorry" but your actions say you dont care and tour words have been lies.

I have since found out this is the third married man you have slept with. Who I thought my wife was, was a mask. To me sex comes only with love, for you it is for self need and given like a handshake.

I do not love you

I do not trust you

I do not want you

You cheated notnjust on me but on yourself and our children.

Your emotions are not my problem

You hurt me, but you will hurt me no more.

I am divorcing you and will move on. I like who I am. I like who I have been. I will be even better in the future.

You have lost because you have lost me.

Goodbye. I will communicate via text for the children only. You do not get to share my emotion or my conversation. You are someone I used to know I am what you do not deserve.

[This message edited by RockstarDad at 7:06 AM, January 18th (Thursday)]

I hope you have found the happiness you were missing. I hope you are finding the validation that you needed. I hope everyone is liking your social media pictures and posts and you are finding the fulfillment you crave from it. I hope this new woman is everything I wasn't and am not.

Because I am kind, intelligent, a good mother, I have a great career and it is only getting stronger, I am a student (life long learning baby) I am healthy Mentally, physically and spiritually. I am a great relative to have because I love and will help them in anyway I can. I am a good listener (or so I have been told) I have a great sense of humor, I am witty and quick. I am a great story teller, and I am a good and loyal friend. I like to have fun and am adventurous. I have gone sky diving, learned to scuba dive and am starting Latin dance classes next month. I am still meeting my goals of reading an hour every night, changing it up from fiction to non-fiction to keep my mind active and learning. I am compassionate and empathetic. I am artist and create beautiful things all the time. I have a great sense of style and color. I am great at motivating employees, I am organized and can build, and facilitate Training programs. I am good at public speaking..in fact I love it...yet I am somewhat introverted. I love people but in certain setting and kind of shy, it takes a while to get to know me on a personal level, but once you do I will make you a friend for life and we will have deep and meaningful conversations. I am happy with the simple joys of life. I love coffee and still make the perfect cup, just the way you liked it. I am a morning person..up before the sun to have some time alone or get something done. I get more done sometimes by 9 am than some people do in their whole day. I am still clumsy , and can't catch or throw a ball... but its okay there is no one throwing it at me anymore or making fun when I fumble it. I still fall up stairs, and choke on water, but I also still have a great ass, and smiling eyes and small cute ears. I still have nice skin and look young for my age. I still have my Harley and ride it when the weather allows. I still love music and listen to it loud while I am getting ready for work.. I know how you hated that. SO hopefully she doesn't do it. I also still turn the light on in the bathroom at night, which you hated. I still have two cats and they shed, which you hated. I still hang my coat on the back of my chair and forget to put my shoes in the closet. So I hope she doesn't do those things, and you won't have to yell at her or storm around the house. I hope she doesn't ask you to help with house chores and just does them for you! I mowed the lawn and picked up the dog shit.. but you wanted someone who spent time staring at you starry eyed all the time, so I hope she doesn't waste her time on such menial tasks when she should be giving you attention. I do my own vehicle maintenance because you didn't want to, and it made you so upset when I would ask for help.. so I hope she never needs to ask you for help, I never ate your special foods or snacks you kept in your cupboard. I ways always touching your hair, and I know that you hated that because you didn't want it messed up so I sure hope she doesn't do that and give you bad hair days. you thought I was too loud in the bedroom, so I hope she is real quiet for you. Hopefully she doesn't make any sound. I make good money, I am great at saving and I have more money now that I am on my own than I did when we had 2 incomes. How does that happen? Weird but true. Since I have been single, many men... better men that you have expressed interest in getting to know me better..; hmm funny that they didn't show interest in my while I was married... Guess that was because I was a loyal and committed partner who never gave other men the time of day. I was dedicated to my marriage and my family. I loved you. I supported your educational and career goals, even when you repeatedly fell short of finishing pretty much anything you ever started. I still for some weird reason believed in you, and always looked for the best in you. I never held the past or mistakes against you. I worked hard to make our lives and our marriage good. I put in a lot of effort because I was in it for better or worse. I wasn't great at boundaries and gave too much too freely. Lucky me that I have since been learning how to fix that. So hopefully she is able to put good boundaries in place (she is going to need them. I did have low self esteem. I was too hard on myself and didn't see the goodness in myself or what I was doing for a long time. I didn't know I was beautiful, desirable or a good catch. So through therapy and practice I am learning to appreciate myself, my accomplishments and I will not tolerate someone putting me down, calling me names, bullying me or just being an asshole anymore. I am sure you did like about me... but I do hope she doesn't accept the things I did.. for her sake more than yours.

Yes I hope she is everything I am not or wasn't, so finally you can be happy! You can find yourself and your freedom.

Oh and I hope she isn't too sarcastic.

Feeling so angry at you today! Got a call from the bank. You still haven't brought the account up to zero as you promised. Wow, you not keeping your promises?( sarcasm). I am so excited that I will likely have to pay half of the debts + interest you so blatantly incur at an alarming rate! Why are you so bent on destroying me? What will I have left when this is over? Hopefully my freedom and maybe a little of my sanity? I don't think anyone will want to have a relationship with me when you are through. I am too destroyed!

Today I thought about sending you an email telling you I finally feel I can forgive you, but I didn't. I did read my journal from January 2016 when you told me that you had an attraction to your coworker, that you were "handling it and she isn't a threat to our marriage". 2017. - saying you did not want to divorce and you were committed to the marriage. 2018- we have been divorced for 10 months, we haven't spoken in 6 months. I saw you once with ow's child. You saw me and I just looked the other way. That was the last time I saw you.

You have been in my dreams and several of them were at family gatherings were you, your ex wife and current ow were with you. I left as I realized in my dream that I did not need to be there. In real life I have been doing relatively well. Still in pain physically, and as always I am dealing with it, I cry when I need to and I know it is healthy to do so, swallowing tears is not. I attend therapy for me. I am kind to myself, I buy me flowers and smile a lot. I am trying new things and bought an art kit and go to a dance class. You will never know this part of me, the part I hid from you so I would not be ridiculed or put down. It is part of me and so is being adventurous. I am happy I am reclaiming these parts of me.

I was going to email you saying I forgave you. I decided that I did not need to, I have let you go. I can forgive you for me. Whether you know I forgive you is inconsequential to me and my healing. I can think about times that were fun, gentle and kind in the 11 years we were together. I have the memories of what I did, the fun I had and I am okay with those memories. My future is all mine. Letting go seemed so elusive and now it's here, it came like a gentle breeze, not a wrenching tornado. I love standing in the cool air with the sun on my face and a smile in my heart. I forgive you for me.

I'm sorry that you're down.

I'm so sorry that your Dad died

I'm sad that you argued with our son (again)

I'm sad that you argued with your brother (again)

......... but NO

I still don't want to kiss you, or fuck you, or ANYTHING.

You mistook a sympathetic hug at a funeral for some sort of sexual come-on?

FFS

What the fuck is wrong with you?

..... don't answer, I already know

You Weirdo.

I’m not sure why I’m posting this here as I have zero desire to contact you. Life gets better each day that you’re out of my life. I don’t hate you but I hate that you occupy any portion of my mind. You periodically slip into my conscious from time to time which I suppose is to be expected. I hate that you came back into my life so many years later. I can’t hate you because I was as much a willing participant as you. I’m glad I see you for who and what you really are.

I suppose I am “thankful” that this happened because it forced me to take a long hard look at myself. What I saw was certainly unnerving to say the least. I’m sorry that it took me losing my integrity to do it but hopefully someday I can earn that back. I don’t know that you ever will but that’s not my cross to bear.

Please stop breaking my heart, when you have the power to fix it.

You are dead to me. It is the only way I will survive this. I fully blame myself for not staying detached. You manipulative prick.

You are dead to me. I won't even make eye contact with you. From now on, you are simply the creature who drives my kids around town a couple of days a week.

I. Fucking. HATE you. Why did you text me after 2 months? Why the hell couldn't you have texted me back when i was a mess, back when you promised we'd talk and then I didn't hear from you for 9 months? I miss you so much, which is beyond fucked up, and I also want to rip you to pieces. I don't understand any of this, and I don't think I ever will.