Well guys, not what I would call a "fun" week end!
Took all week end because i had to take a lot of breaks because I wanted to absorb it all a little at a time instead trying to take the whole dose in one continuous conversation.
Let me start by saying I really do not think it is necessary to give a play by play description of the 'affair" that I just discovered because it is stopped. i am convinced of that,have an open line of communication to OM wife, and they both have eyes on them and have both in essence "given it up". I know some of you are absolutely convinced that despite what actions I have taken that the minute they are in the same zip code they will go right back to it, and I believe there is nothing I can do or say to change some of your minds on that so I will not try. Lets just say we respectfully disagree on that one.
The above does NOT mean that I am in what is called "R at all costs mode". It means that unless something else bad is uncovered I am going to attempt to see if we can repair some of the damage done. Let me rephrase that, if she can repair some of the damage done. I didn't cause any fucking damage. !!!
Buffalo just stated the below
I also believe that there are different types of affairs ......and knowing what kind of affair a wife has ......the strategies and methodology for reconciliation will be different ....a drunken one night stand with a bartender on a girls night out will have different ramifications than a "rekindled affair" 2 year LTA with the old flame from high school.....was it an exit affair?.....a revenge affair?, is she a serial cheater that need constant outside validaton from other men to fulfil whats missing in her marriage - real or imagined ..etc...
This was NOT an exit affair. my wife does not want me to divorce her. She did not want to get caught to prompt a divorce. She did NOT have a LTA (6 encounters) and not every time they were in same location. And at this point she is NOT a serial cheater. And is cannot be classified as a ONS, although it started out as close to that. so as Buffalo said, each case is different, which is why in my opinion this shit is so confusing.
Let me address the sex generally. I cannot sit here and describe in detail like Walloped did what acts they performed. my wife and I have one everything i can think of or have ever wanted to try so unless he did the "50 shades of grey' routine, she did nothing with him she has not done with me. I do not give a shit about his dick size. i have been in locker rooms all my life and from what my eyes have seen i an NOT shortchanged in that department so no need for rulers. Basically I am saying she enjoyed the sex and if she had told me differently I would not have believed it. I doubt seriously if I had sex with another woman that I would hate it.
This was an affair of opportunity and not resisting temptation, and all it takes is once.
And i do not believe that every human being that crosses the line needs to be stoned and discarded. Nor do I believe that anyone who cheats is a totally morally corrupt individual no matter why or how. If that were true there would be absolutely no need for this forum. Everyone would proceed directly to divorce court, no questions asked.
I am not defending her, and she did not try to blame me for anything. She is a very pretty woman in her mid 40's who looks 30-35, and she got attention from a 'hunky' guy ten years younger that she encouraged. I am not using the term vulnerable, but I did mention that we had been like ships passing in the night because of the travel, more mine than hers. As a side note, if you saw a picture of Mr. Pretty Boy's wife, you would think he is off his rocker. His wife looks like a Miss America contestant.
A lot of my questioning had to do with trying to ascertain if this was the first and only time, which she swears is the case. She did tell me that two times in the past two years she did allow a guy in a hotel she was staying at who approached her to buy her dinner. She did not have to tell me that and swears that she never talked to either of them again.
Now my wife is a very intelligent woman and is in the sales field, so she anticipates objections. As we concluded our talking she told me that she understands perfectly why I would not believe her, but that I am free to pull phone records as far back as i can get them if it would make me feel better or do whatever I wanted to do.
And then she took the words out of my mouth. She told me that personally she could not think of anything that could do more to confirm for me if she was telling the truth other than to submit to a polygraph test, and that she wanted to do that so show me that what she told me was the truth, not only about Mr. Pretty Boy but about the dinners. By the way, I had dinner about eight months ago with a woman i met on a plane who was staying at same hotel who was in same industry as me. i did not try to have sex with her or call her.
Talked a lot about her job. She does not want to quit unless she can find something at NEAR her salary with a lot less travel. She said she will take a polygraph every time she has to be at meeting that OM is at. now why would she offer to do that if she was going to try to have sex with him again.????
I told her this piece of crap friend of hers has to be history, and that we need to discuss EVERYONE who may know.
As far as consequences, I think agreeing to go to a stranger and be hooked up to a machine is not a pleasant thing to do. And to agree to do it more than once is even less pleasant.
I think being told that I have seen an attorney is a consequence.
I'm tired now. I have spent the better part of week end discussing some very difficult shit. i probably will not respond to any 2 x 4's right away.
I cannot undo what she has done. I am pissed as hell about it but she did it because she wanted to, not because of anything I did. And I do not believe that anyone is not capable of making the same fucked up choice. We just want to believe that we could never do that nor could our spouse. That is what makes is so hard.
We have a ways to go. I do not have a crystal ball. From our talks this week end, I believe she "gets it" as the term is used here. now she has to prove it.
