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TTA,

Thank you for the update. What a hellish weekend. So sorry you had to go through that.

Quick questions (this may come out harsh, but it isn't meant to be):

1) Did she say why she decided to cheat on you 6 times?

2) Why she thought it was okay?

3) Simply because she wanted to and thought she could get away with it?

4) What then is to prevent her from just being more careful in the future? The threat of a polygraph?

Serious point here: If that's the only thing holding her back from having sex with other men, what does that say about her view of her marriage to you? What does that inform you about your marriage to her? Do you call that a marriage, where the only thing preventing one spouse from betraying the other is a polygraph test?

Basically, is there more to her "why" than simply not resisting temptation because that can fly for an ONS. Six times are decisions - life choices. The purpose of my questions is not to piss you off. It's to help crystalize the factors and decision points as you think about your future, whether with or without her.

One other thing: Yes, I believe we are all capable of making bad choices. But it's our actions that define us. Makes us who we are. You didn't cheat. She did. Call it personal integrity, morals, religion, honor, or maybe even fear or just plain old common sense. Many of us had opportunities to cheat. We didn't. So it's not about what we are capable of. It's what we do that counts.

[This message edited by Walloped at 11:10 AM, February 1st (Monday)]

Just a post scrptum to Walloped's thoughts (hope you don’t mind, Walloped):

* what haunts me most about this is that early on your W told you that it was “just sex … and REFUSES TO commit to not staying in contact with him, and REFUSES right now to agree to not fucking him”.

She has since taken those demands off the table.

My question is why? Because you disagreed with her - and pretty much threatened her (poly, etc)?

Or has she somehow experienced an epiphany of sorts so quickly?

Seems like you’ve been able to potentially block most of her ability to see AP (good job, btw) … but,

But what about 5 - 10 years down the road? Will she still feel entitled to “just have sex” with someone else? I mean, by then your 2 kids will have likely become the professionals they’re currently studying to be, you’ll both be so far ahead financially that $ won’t matter at all and YOU’LL be older (she’ll still have those head-turning looks).

I guess what i’m trying to suggest here is that both you and your wife will need to come to terms with that, one way or the other. To me, THAT’S the “elephant".

You’re doing great, buddy!

[This message edited by sportsfan at 10:31 AM, February 1st (Monday)]

TTA

Some cheaters are adamant about taking the poly just to make the BH drop it… Don’t drop it, go ahead with it.

IMO seems like everything is under your control at least for the time being, a lot has to change in the future once you decide what you want.

As other have stressed, I would like to know your wife’s mind set at DDAy and how she has evolved to the present. What made her change her mind and a question I believe you haven’t asked.

Does she resent you for not letting her keep her lover?

Other question, what was her reaction of you asking her to cut all contact with toxic GF?

Do you know for sure that as her GF that “made” her allowed herself to cheat?

Sometime BS trys to find external causes for the WS behavior, it is just a explanation but not a justification. In your case it seems that your WW, at least at this part, has been clear since the beginning.

BTW how are you doing? Besides anger, How are you feeling?

Good luck

2x4s?? Heck. I think you're doing great, TimeToAct.

Walloped

Don't worry about being harsh. i will answer as best as I can

Did she say why she decided to cheat on you 6 times?

Yup she did. The first time it was the ego kibbles and attention from this younger gorgeous guy who was paying attention to her and not other women. if he was 2000 miles away and not available again, it might have been the end of it. but not the case. After that, it was easy. Much easier than your wife who had to come home to you every night and compartmentalize. in all cases but one I was nowhere to be found ( out of town) when she returned home. She actually could have done it more but did not.

2) Why she thought it was okay?

She did not really think it was OK. She just wanted to do it. We went through the mid life crisis stuff. We went through that she had told me it was OK if I felt the need but to not tell her. She said she was surprised I had not done the same thing. I went ballistic when she said that and walked out for a few hours. So bottom line, my interpretation is what I said. She did it because she wanted the excitement and "fun".

Kind of like I guess what I read on the Space Ghost thread from his wife. your wife i guiess thought she was "in love" or some other shit. not the case here. If you knew my wife you would know there is no way at this stage of her life that she would be interested in playing mom to three young kids.

3) Simply because she wanted to and thought she could get away with it?

I guess I answered some of this above. Like i said in other responses, how many cheaters really think they will get caught????? I have no way to measure how impactful her stupid girlfriends opinions were on her, and I cannot blame someone else. but she was getting fed daily how it was OK to sow some wild oats and what I never knew would not hurt me. When I asked her what on earth made her think I might consider letting her continue to do it, i got some babble that she was trying to draw me into conversation to see if I had done it and to piss me off. It worked as far as pissing me off. I pressed her on what she would have done if i was wishy washy on that one. She claims and insists that OM was getting nervous and it probably would not have gone much longer. While that sounds like bull shit, from his reactions during all of this, he has made no effort to show any desire to want to keep this thing going. He it appears is totally in repair mode in his own marriage. But back to the original question, getting away with it is a big factor in continuing. You know that is your brother had not been in the right place at the right time your wife might still be spending her afternoons with OM. Who the hell really knows????

4) What then is to prevent her from just being more careful in the future? The threat of a polygraph?

The fact is she does not have to be careful in the future. I am as sure as sure can be that this OM is out of the picture. So as far as the future, I have two choices. Either blind trust, which is NOT HAPPENING. Or the polygraph, which I remind you my WW brought up before I got to it. How careful does she really have to be to fuck someone five hundred miles from home when i am on the other end of the country. Also, what good does a PI do with this OM if i thought it might restart. PI cannot walk into their meeting rooms and watch. he can probably only determine if they leave or arrive at hotel together. i determined early on that if I stayed married, the polygraph route was the only answer long term. How long who knows???

Basically, is there more to her "why" than simply not resisting temptation because that can fly for an ONS. Six times are decisions - life choices.

ALL WS make these life choices. your wife made the choice every time she went to "volunteer", Space hosts wife made the choice every time he left town.

This is not over. I have what everyone calls total transparency, but we all know in the long run if they really want to do something wrong, they can find a way. Again, if my wife worked every day with this OM i would have her car wired, the house wired, the home wired, and I would have someone real high priced watching her for a while on a daily basis. In my situation, all of that is a waste of time without the polygraph.

The purpose of my questions is not to piss you off

Walloped, I ain't pissed off. I hope none of my response angered you or triggered you when i referred to your wife.

SPORTSFAN

But what about 5 - 10 years down the road? Will she still feel entitled to “just have sex” with someone else? I mean, by then your 2 kids will have likely become the professionals they’re currently studying to be, you’ll both be so far ahead financially that $ won’t matter at all and YOU’LL be older (she’ll still have those head-turning looks).

If I had any idea what would be happening 5-10 years down the road, i would be ruling the world i would be so wealthy. That amount of time years ago, I sure as hell would never have thought I would be posting on an infidelity forum. The financial issue is not the only issue here. If my wife stopped working tomorrow my kids will have all the money they need to become whatever they want to. it would be a lot of money to just walk away from though as well as she is not going to sit home on her ass. i do believe at some point she might take a different job with less travel or no travel if she can find one. She has not ruled that out.

but you know what. But a wife can become a WW anywhere on earth. A woman can get herself laid at the grocery store, so I can't think right now about 5 or 10 years from now.

YOU’LL be older (she’ll still have those head-turning looks).

The above is true, but I am not exactly a turnip, and I am happy she looks good. Always have been. And for that matter, there are I am sure pretty average looking women that al;so cheat, right????

Youll be older makes me laugh. If he is older and she cheats it isnt like he wont be a hot property. My father is not bad looking but not a prize. He is 85. He is getting hit on daily in hjs retirement community.

Time, you seem to have a good perspective of the current situation and the her future behavior.

I wrote down our terms of reconciliation, which includes polys at my request at any point in the future.

Thanks for the update(s), you seem to be doing really well, all things considered. How are you feeling? How's your stress level and physical-emotional health? Please, be careful to monitor your health so it doesn't deteriorate too badly in the aftermath of it all, and take precautions.

Best wishes

So in short, when "opportunity" arose for "fun" she acted on it. That "opportunity" then turned into an "entitlement" and she rationalized that on the assumption that you had "opportunities" as well and surely have acted on them so why shouldn't she also "get it out if her system". Does she think there is a relationship "scorecard" that needs balancing?

Also, if it was so "right" for her to do at the time then why refuse telling you who the AP was the first time? She may not have flatly refused to end it but her initial actions said otherwise. Also, if the thinking is "if it's good for the goose then it's good for the gander!" then why is she is so worried your two kids find out what happened? Isn't this what parents in midlife do all the time? That's one hell of a rationalization hamster she's been running in her head.

This was an affair of opportunity and not

resisting temptation, and all it takes is once.

The first time it was the ego kibbles and attention from this younger gorgeous guy who was paying attention to her and not other women. if he was 2000 miles away

She said she was surprised I had not done the same thing

She did it because she wanted the excitement and "fun".

I am very shocked to see the comment above, because my H who cheated 800 miles away told me the exact same word and definition.

If they are seeking high attention, validation and FUN from opposite gender to make her/himself feel good, and they do not mind it CAN HAPPEN to everyone, it is a problem. I do not want to be a COP to chase my spouse for the rest of my life. It will make me as prisoner. We all know there is absolutely NO way if he decided to cheat on me again. I am only hope I talked enough to his soul NOT to give in to the temptation in future. So, I am thinking R is a huge gamble, which I cannot assure the outcome.

I Duff

So in short, when "opportunity" arose for "fun" she acted on it. This at "opportunity" then turned into an "entitlement" and she rationalized that on the assumption that you had "opportunities" as well and surely have acted on them so why shouldn't she also "get it out if her system". Does she think there is a relationship "scorecard" that needs balancing?

Also, if it was so "right" for her to do at the time then why refuse telling you who the AP was the first time? She may not have flatly refused to end it but her initial actions said otherwise. Also, if the thinking is "if it's good for the goose then it's good for the gander!" then why is she is so worried your two kids find out what happened? Isn't this what parents in midlife do all the time? That's one hell of a rationalization hamster she's been running in her head.

Divorced - 5/23/14

Do most WW or WH have a sensible though process running in their heads ??? I must have missed that ?? I guess all WW who are thinking more clearly than mine just can't wait to tell the kids.

For the life of me I cannot understand this insistence on nthe part of some that I should blow up every aspect of her life including her children until I decide I want to divorce if it came to that . Kill her job , kill her relationship with her children , kill her relationship with my entire family and hers if possible, and then tell her OK honey lets R.

For the life of me I cannot understand this insistence on nthe part of some that I should blow up every aspect of her life including her children until I decide I want to divorce if it came to that .

After dday #2 I was still reeling. I didn't want to tell anyone until I knew I was ready to D so I understand where you're coming from on this one.

However, to explain the other pov many BS have experienced (directly or indirectly) that taught them exposure is the best approach. Why?

1. Affairs thrive in secrecy. The lies, gaslighting, minimizing...all of that is done to protect the WS from the consequences of their actions. R cannot possibly happen with honestly.

2. You would not be the one blowing up her life. That is on your WW. If her life does blow up it will be because of her choices.

3. Numerous times WS have taken advantage of the BS silence to spin lie after lie about their BS so that by the time the truth comes out friends and family have been, at best, confused as to what the truth really is and at worst turned against the BS utterly.

4. As a child of parents impacted by infidelity I didn't need the gory details. However, I would like to have known why there was so much anger, pain and tension. I've lost track of how many times the BS shields the kids from the truth only to have the WS tell the kids everything that's going wrong is mommy/daddy's fault.

5. If you do indeed pursue R it is expected to take 2-5 years. That is a very difficult time for the BS (obviously). From the outside the BS can look angry and volatile and the WS (remorseful or not) can come across as being burdened by their BS. Friends and family, without being lied to by the WS, can (and have) taken sides and shown the WS more sympathy. Seen that too. Had R been an option I would have at least let my friends/family know my WS did something bad (betrayal of the relationship) so we're working through it but don't get involved unless we ask for help.

If your wife doesn't get to the root of the issues that allowed her to give herself permission to lie, cheat and steal, you are guaranteed to travel this road again.

Your wife is typical. There are different types, but ones like her are not that hard to find on this forum.

No matter the type, I think what is true universally cheating is, at the heart of it is a broken promise. A broken vow, a sacred vow in some perception. Many will reconcile for various reasons, but universally, to feel safe about not cheating again, the betrayed must believe the cheater acknowledges the wrongness of bteaking the promise and believe the cheater sincerely wants to remain faithful because it is the right thing to do.

Love is separate from trust which in turn is separate from respect. These three are loosely related and all must exist in some level in a secure marriage.

Having to poly after every trip or every so often even is not for me. We all are allowed their own requirements and what is acceptable to them. I don't want my wife to stay loyal because she is afraid I will get caught, whether poly or otherwise. So I take poly out of it, anyway, and watch her attitude to me for love, trustfulness, and respect. If I think she doesn't love orctedpect me, or if I can't trust her, I've got to deal with it.

Trust will not be there yet. Respect, you must determine her level of respect, same with love.

The broken promise, her acknowledgement of how wrong it was to break it, and your judgement on how sincere she is not to do something so hurtful and wrong, likely will either make or break your happiness, security, safety in this marriage going forward. You thought you had it before. Now it will be awhile to get this feeling back. Maybe 2-5 years.

TTA,

If I may, what's going on here is that you have your shit together. You've take action and have accomplished a tremendous amount in a relatively short period of time. You are in Graduate school. Many BS' are still in kindergarten at this point in time. So posters are treating you accordingly. It's a compliment. They think you can handle it. You're ready for the PhD program. No sugar coating. Pure unadulterated advice and tough questions all with your best interests in mind.

Walloped, I ain't pissed off. I hope none of my response angered you or triggered you when i referred to your wife.

No worries. I'm good.

but we all know in the long run if they really want to do something wrong, they can find a way.

Agreed. So what gives you comfort that she won't? And I'm not talking about this OM. He's done. Got it. But what about the next guy that comes along where your wife decides she deserves a little excitement and fun? What's going to stop her then? A threat of a poly? Is that it? Or is she going to figure out what she wants in life (you and your marriage) and it's her personal integrity and love for you that will hold her back? That's the crux of my questions.

For the life of me I cannot understand this insistence on nthe part of some that I should blow up every aspect of her life including her children until I decide I want to divorce if it came to that . Kill her job , kill her relationship with her children , kill her relationship with my entire family and hers if possible, and then tell her OK honey lets R.

We have a saying here at SI that I've come to learn. Owning your shit. What does that mean? Well, it's different for each person and depends on their situation, but some things are pretty universal.

It's not about destroying her. It's about her owning what she's done. She didn't just betray you. She betrayed your kids as well. And all those that had faith in her. The job thing I agree with for now, but only because she will hardly see OM anyway.

Look, I've been embarrassingly open about my own situation. And yes, my wife played house. Different kind of affair. But still, I'll answer my own question: How do I have comfort that she won't do this again?

a) No hesitation to do everything and anything I've asked

b) Quit volunteering

c) She told the kids and her parents

d) Tremendous amount of IC and workbooks, reading, etc. to understand her why and develop concrete, actionable steps to strengthen boundaries and work on her inner self-esteem and vulnerabilities

e) Re-dedicated herself to me and our kids

f) Gives me space and asks me to communicate my needs so she can help me heal.

g) No rugsweeping. Accepted the blame fully and with equivocation - owns her shit.

h) MC for us both to improve our communication skills.

i) Admitted and owned up to things I had no way of finding out

j) Passed polygraph test

k) Tells me she loves me every day, that she is grateful I am giving her another chance to build a new life together, but recognizes that the decision is ultimately mine and is a consequence of her actions - and while she does not want a divorce, will give me one willingly if that's what I need to heal.

l) Recognizes that this was a significant trauma for me and offers assistance to help me deal with it, avoids triggers, etc.

m) Complete transparency. All electronic passwords. Lets me know where she is. Volunteers information.

I could go on and on and I'm probably missing a bunch of stuff.

So what gives you comfort?

Now frankly, it's early in the process. Very early. And I am not suggesting you get divorced - heck, look at what my wife did and I'm in R! Hello kettle, meet pot. But your wife needs to understand her "why." Just wanted to have fun and being surprised that you didn't cheat as well is not only insufficient, it's a red flag. It suggests that this wasn't something she fell into, but rather a colder and more calculated choice.

Final thought.

When I asked her what on earth made her think I might consider letting her continue to do it, i got some babble that she was trying to draw me into conversation to see if I had done it and to piss me off.

You obviously know her best, but I call bullshit. This is covering up her initial reaction. What she's saying here is "I didn't really mean I was going to have sex with him again, I just wanted to see how you'd react." Nope. Sorry. I do believe she's just trying to cover her ass, because in the face of her comments to you about having sex with OM again (who she kept telling you was a guy from the bar and not a coworker) you reacted the way you did and lowered the boom.

See the following comments:

She is delusional. Tells me she is sorry for what she did, did not plan for it to happen, but that she really enjoys his company when she is away from home, and she could not understand why if it was 'just sex" that I could not just get it out of her system.

But she REFUSES to tell me exactly who this mother fucker is, and REFUSES TO commit to not staying in contact with him, and REFUSES right now to agree to not fucking him. The guy has already flown up here and she met him in a hotel here when i was out of town.

since she leaves again next week and I know she is planning on spending a night with him. She told me that. Can you believe it??????

Of the three REFUSALS I got initially [edit: to have sex with OM], she has caved on two of them so here is what I got from her

she has agreed to stop fucking him, but balked a providing a lot of details on specifics I asked. This one is not over. I am not satisfied with the simple "I accept that I am wrong to think I could continue to do this"

I could go on here as well. But really? Just trying to draw you into a conversation? None of the above was just verbal sparring. She is minimizing because her life is on the line. Understandable, but still dishonest. Her reaction at the outset was very different than what she is saying now.

Just info and perspective for you to digest. Because I'm sorry, but I truly believe you do not have the full picture. She's thrown you morsels, but it's not the whole thing.

As I said - Graduate school. You ARE doing great. Hang in there.

Best,

-W

From JDuff:

So in short, when "opportunity" arose for "fun" she acted on it. This at "opportunity" then turned into an "entitlement" and she rationalized that on the assumption that you had "opportunities" as well and surely have acted on them so why shouldn't she also "get it out if her system". Does she think there is a relationship "scorecard" that needs balancing?

Also, if it was so "right" for her to do at the time then why refuse telling you who the AP was the first time? She may not have flatly refused to end it but her initial actions said otherwise. Also, if the thinking is "if it's good for the goose then it's good for the gander!" then why is she is so worried your two kids find out what happened? Isn't this what parents in midlife do all the time? That's one hell of a rationalization hamster she's been running in her head.

TTA Response:

Do most WW or WH have a sensible though process running in their heads ??? I must have missed that ?? I guess all WW who are thinking more clearly than mine just can't wait to tell the kids.

For the life of me I cannot understand this insistence on nthe part of some that I should blow up every aspect of her life including her children until I decide I want to divorce if it came to that . Kill her job , kill her relationship with her children , kill her relationship with my entire family and hers if possible, and then tell her OK honey lets R.

Dude, you need to chill. I've seen a few responses from you that attack the person asking a question.

JDuff didn't tell you to "Kill her job , kill her relationship with her children , kill her relationship with my entire family and her", he was pointing out the double standard thinking that your WW was having.

There have been quite a few times in this thread where you've taken a commentor to task for not remembering every detail of your situation, or disagreeing with you. Remember, we've been through this before and have different perspectives and experiences to help you through this.

Having to poly after every trip or every so often even is not for me. We all are allowed their own requirements and what is acceptable to them. I don't want my wife to stay loyal because she is afraid I will get caught, whether poly or otherwise.

wk55hn

I agree with the above but Timetoact is in a difficult situation. His wife thought it was reasonable to request continuing having sex with the OM after the affair was exposed. Furthermore she assumed that Timetoact must have certainly had affairs of his own.

Bottom line: Everyone has affairs and they’re not a big deal.

On an intellectual level she understands that she made promises and affairs are bad. However, she’s incapable of appreciating that on a gut level.

An analogy I’ve used before is a person that converts to a religion where it’s a sin to eat pork. They know that they promised not to eat pork and will be in trouble if they get caught. If they get caught they’re sorry that they disappointed and hurt their loved ones. But they are not sorry for eating pork. They grew up eating pork like everyone around them. They never will be disgusted with themselves for enjoying some bacon.

That’s why he needs the poly.

Mate just been reading through everyone's point of view and it seems to boil down to a lot of uncertainty until she takes the first poly after that you have a better idea of where you stand.

I have to say though having read your post's you come across as a level headed no-nonsense kind of guy, so I will never understand how she thought you were going to be OK with her going off once a month to screw someone else.

Good luck, by the way I think you've done real well dealing with this the way you have.

I agree with Worndown. You need to chill. Stop being so defensive.

Further, I agree with Sportsfan, if you don't look 5-10 years down the line, you are only damaging your own life.

You are giving her every benefit of the doubt. She deserves none at this point. She is self preserving.

You haven't even done most of things here that people suggest you do to make sure you are safe.

There have been quite a few times in this thread where you've taken a commentor to task for not remembering every detail of your situation, or disagreeing with you. Remember, we've been through this before and have different perspectives and experiences to help you through this.

OK. I am going to answer this one first and then I'l address Walloped's points one by one.

First, I try to answer most of the comments and recommendations. I do not understand why when I am given some pretty strident advice in a tone indicating I must be some kind of dummy and I have it all wrong that I am not allowed to push back a little and state my opinion of what was stated. And quite frankly, when you make a definitive and bold statement to someone on a very emotional issue you should have the details correct.

I do understand that everyone here has been through some form of this. That is what makes ALL of the opinions worth reading. I could just ignore what I disagree with but I am trying to be respectful in that if someone took the time to say something they deserve an answer. Just like I may not like some of the suggestions, some may not like my answers. That is OK too.

What really makes me understand that dynamic is I did read a lot of the Space Ghost thread, and the reverence for his firm stand and follow through. yet the thing went on for somewhere near 1000 posts and over i think 40 pages with some still telling him how stupid he was for not reconciling with his wife because of her tremendous remorse, which i did not see by the way until it was way too late.

The fist bit of advice I got here was to blow the affair up and stop it and that the quickest way to do that was to get to OM wife. I believe i did that in a pretty quick amount of time. And I have tried to explain to the best of my ability why i have not insisted that she resign tomorrow yet I continue to be told that she will do it with him again.

Next I was told to get a timeline. I got that. I got the sexual details ( not too much fun).

Next I have tried to ascertain if I think this was the only affair, and I have come to the conclusion that I cannot believe it without verification. MY WIFE CAME UP WITH THE POLYGRAPH idea before I got to it, but is being given no credit at all for that. i do not see that many WW on here volunteering for a test that can end their marriage with one wrong answer.

So, lets leave it that I may not be thrilled with some of the advice I am getting, and some may not be thrilled with my answers. my job here is not to apologize to anyone for not agreeing with them bashing me. It's called give and take, and in case you have not figured it out, I am not the type that takes without giving. Sorry, a flaw in my character.

Now let me answer Walloped's valid questions

a) No hesitation to do everything and anything I've asked

I asked her to not go out of town last week as scheduled. She did that immediately. I asked her to write a NC letter and she did it. i asked her to cut all communication and she did it. They do not need to communicate for any business reason as i explained since they are in the same job in different parts of the country reporting to different people. I asked her for a written timeline, and i got that. I can't think of what I asked for that I did not get.

b) Quit volunteering

No volunteering involved. I have not demanded she quit the job and have explained why a number of times.

c) She told the kids and her parents

My kids are not at home. They are away at school and will not be home until the end of school year. My son has Spring practice and my daughter is going on Spring Break ( and that is stressful in itself). There is absolutely no reason to call them on the phone and break this news to them, especially until I get more information. I do not want them told right now about anything. That is my right.

Her father is in very poor health. If I get divorced her parents obviously need to be told.

my brother knows and he agrees that no matter how he feels he has advised me AGAINST TELLING MY SISTERS or my parents unless I decide on divorce. So I have not asked her to do this and i would discourage it at this point right now if she said she was going to do it.

d) Tremendous amount of IC and workbooks, reading, etc. to understand her why and develop concrete, actionable steps to strengthen boundaries and work on her inner self-esteem and vulnerabilities

Valid point here. i have not gotten to deciding on IC or MC yet or both. Not ruling anything out. She is reading, started with "Not Just Friends". Obviously something went wrong on her boundaries, but her opportunity to fuck up was much greater than a SAHM. She spends a lot of time alone away from home and probably has been propositioned on the road or hit on an immense number of times more than most women. NOT AN EXCUSE, but a fact. if a woman goes out to GNO every Friday night surrounding herself with men trying to get in her pants, aren't her chances of making a terrible mistake increased. Does not change what she did. i do understand that.

e) Re-dedicated herself to me and our kids

She sat and listened to a pretty abusive phone call from OM wife, and has asked a lot of what she can do to help. Sorry, I am not telling her to quit her job tomorrow. I am discounting tears and emotional statements on her part. maybe I gave the impression she was sitting there cooly just like a stone and being very nonchalent. not the case.

f) Gives me space and asks me to communicate my needs so she can help me heal.

She left the house the first night when i asked her to. She has been sleeping in a spare bedroom. And other than a few instances she has not been overly clingy and oppressive. i want her around me to process how I feel. next week we both travel again for part of week.

g) No rugsweeping. Accepted the blame fully and with equivocation - owns her shit.

h) MC for us both to improve our communication skills.

i) Admitted and owned up to things I had no way of finding out

For brevity, Ill combine there. no question dodging, no refusing to answer everything I asked this past week end. As I stated, she did not have to tell me about the two dinners with guys she met at hotels she was staying at. I am leaning to MC rather than IC once I am sure I want to do either.

j) Passed polygraph test

That will happen. No argument there.

k) Tells me she loves me every day, that she is grateful I am giving her another chance to build a new life together, but recognizes that the decision is ultimately mine and is a consequence of her actions - and while she does not want a divorce, will give me one willingly if that's what I need to heal.

l) Recognizes that this was a significant trauma for me and offers assistance to help me deal with it, avoids triggers, etc.

I have not given a play by play but she is doing a lot of that. She knows I have seen an attorney so I do not believe she believes she is calling all the shot here. my biggest trigger will be next week when she heads to the airport a day before me. She also cancelled a girls trip she had planned. i did not insist on it before it was done.

m) Complete transparency. All electronic passwords. Lets me know where she is. Volunteers information.

I got it, and it is fine for insuring NC with OM. Does nothing for knowing if it was first time or if it happened again. That is why I feel I have no choice to poly. I have no intention to actually do it every time she spends a night out of town or away from me, but her willingness to do it was important to me.

Just wanted to have fun and

That and she liked the excitement and thrill of being wood was EXACTLY the explanation Mr. Space Ghost got, and there was a legion of folks imploring him to R even after he was long gone in Florida I believe.

The choice was cold and calculating. in my opinion it is for every woman because she has the last right of refusal unless she is raped.

There is not one WW who unless raped did not have the chance to stop it. My wife did not, Walloped's wife did not, and the wives of the countless on here who are trying to R did not.

Thats it for now. Sorry for the length of this, and sorry if some are taking my responses as an attack on them.

Please stop defending yourself.

Really.

Ignore those that think you're not going fast enough, or doing enough.

This is your journey. Not theirs. You need to go at your own pace.

And you are doing just fine for a newly betrayed spouse.