SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Walloped

TTA, I'm going to throw something out there. I may very well be wrong. So please tell me if I am.

Are you certain this was not more than just some excitement? I agree she had so many opportunities to cheat, but likely didn't. Yet when confronted, she a) lied about who it was - first it was a random guy from a bar - now it's a co-worker, and b) she wanted to continue and not give it up. That suggests a more emotional attachment than just some fun and excitement.

Again, your question, which is a good one, is "What's different this time around? Why this guy?"

You may want to consider her investment in this guy as a possible answer. Maybe a question for the poly?

Thoughts?

Good question deserving of an answer. I am convinced it started as the "excitement" and with a guy who basically every woman in the organization she was friends with referred to as "Mcdreamy" like the guy on "Grey's Anatomy". No, i do not watch that show but my wife does.

Did she like him??? YUP . No doubt about that one. BUT she did not like him enough to do it every time they could have. She did not like him enough to try to interfere with anything of my interactions with his wife. I guess it would be STUPID on my part to not think that she only cared about his penis, but despite what she said about wanting to do it more, she has shown no sadness or any grieving for him.

She obviously lied because she knew a co worker would be easier for me to track down who it was than some random guy out there is wide open space.

Walloped, on this one, I will bet i have it right. She had no interest in any future with this guy at all. if you met my wife and talked to her you would not think she was ready to run off with some guy with three young children. she tells everyone how glad she is that she is done with all the school activities and the child rearing.

I have been told the poly questions all have to be yes/no. i guess i could phrase it in a way that i ask that. i think my questions that I want are pretty straightforward, starting with 'IS THIS THE ONLY TIME" OR only OM.

i'll have to go back and see if you listed your specific questions.

Just wanted to say that I think you have been doing great! I like that you put some distance between you in the beginning and haven't let her know or think that you want to R. I think that was good because that's what you needed. If you can and want to find comfort with her now then there is nothing wrong with that either. At this point it's all about you, what you need and want to get through this.

I agree with Wk55, that you should be seeing some proactivity from her on figuring out what she can do to help you and make things better. Sounds like she is a capable enough person to figure these things out on her own. If you tell her things that you want or need from her then she should be doing the work from there. If you're not seeing her step up and doing these things then you know she doesn't "get it" yet. Doesn't mean she won't but just not yet.

It's good that she's cancelled her "girls" plans for the future. That's a good sign. No matter how social she used to be this is a point where she needs to show you that she is a safe partner and that you are more important to her than the girls As you said it's stressful when WS is out of sight. For now this is one of the few things she can do. If in the future she wants to presume her social life then that should be your call and only if you agree. Perhaps the two of you could spend social outings together rather than her "going out" alone. This may help the two of you live a more cohesive life than two separate lives. Sounds like your jobs keep you separated enough.

I think acceptance is when you know what they did and believe it. I also think it's when you accept that they are who they are and they are going to do what they do. Nothing we do can change that and accept that your only control is how you feel and what you do about it.

Anyway, that's my two cents worth. Good luck. Stay strong.

I agree influence of "prized" and "winning" had a decent amount of her decision. My sister's bedroom was next to mine growing up, my friends and I competed over sports, car racing, stuff like that, we esteemed ourselves based on those things, the "pecking order," for too many of my sister's friends they based on their boyfriends and other girls' opinions of what guy is better.

Acceptance is about the phase of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Your marriage as you know it died. The old marriage is dead and it ain't coming back. I saw you a few days ago in denial and anger with some of your posts. Many of the posters went through the process, whether it ended up reconciled or divorced. You can't go back, you can't stay where you are, just keep going forward.

She can do her old activities, but she has to figure out how she can make it secure for you. Best thing now is to just not do it it, but this will change 6 months hopefully for better for your mental outlook and she will resume her riskier activities but she will have to modify it somehow to make sure you're not relapsing into decreasing trust. You are not there yet. First things first you need the poly done, the toxic friend(s) out.

I have been told the poly questions all have to be yes/no. i guess i could phrase it in a way that i ask that. i think my questions that I want are pretty straightforward, starting with 'IS THIS THE ONLY TIME" OR only OM.

I have also read on here that some examiners allow for questions that have answers other than yes or no, so it could be up to the specific examiner.

Sit down and really think through the questions, it is not hard to come up with specific yes or no type questions.

Was so and so the only guy you have been with sexually since we have been married...for example.

The examiner can help you with the questions as well and also explain the English language to your wife, since so many times a WW has their own language, for example, sex is not sex unless it is this or that.

So questions will probably be very focused.

Timetoact... I hope you give yourself and your wife a chance to get back to normal this weekend!

YOU need that! If you want R... SHE needs that! If you discover something innocently in the meantime... You can pick up where you left off on Monday!

RELAX... TRY to enjoy! You trusted her implicitly once. Try to remember that this weekend! (But don't forget!)

My heart is with you brother!

Take care!

Kimchi, really glad you have decided that you have it all figured out. I guess I just went to an attorney very quickly and can file for divorce very quickly because I had nothing better to do but waste the time. And I guess I'm going to do the polygraph just for drill because I am curious .

Now I think I am going to take the advice of Confused615 and just stop trying to answer pronouncements and not suggestions or questions. For those of you who feel that I should be divorced already, I believe there are plenty of guys on here who have and are facing multiple D Days who your message might resonate with more. I am a few weeks out and like it or not I do not agree with your conclusion. And thanks for not only taking the shot at my wife but instead of offering some support impunity my character also.

Give me the benefit of doubt and read my post as if I am not attacking you or your character. When I said the motivations are wrong, I still mean it. Fear and shame should not decide your life. You are with someone because you really enjoy their company, share their view of life and because you love them. Fear of unknown shouldn't keep you two together.

It doesn't mean you divorce her. It means you re-examine your motivations and make changes accordingly. Divorce can be one of those options. Because once the guilt and shame fades away, you are back to the beginning again.

Again, what should you feel about her to do to her what she did to you and act like she did after she caught you in an affair ? Keep that in mind when you are dealing with the issues. Just you loving her is not enough to fix the issues.

But she REFUSES to tell me exactly who this mother fucker is, and REFUSES TO commit to not staying in contact with him, and REFUSES right now to agree to not fucking him. The guy has already flown up here and she met him in a hotel here when i was out of town.

Remember this part. She did this after you caught her. This is your reality. She is a person capable of doing this and this is a person you do not know about. Maybe things can be still fixed after this

But..

Don't let your desire to keep your family and marriage make you lie to yourself. You can still R or have a lesser version of a marriage but fixing this marriage shouldn't involve deluding yourself

[This message edited by kimichi at 9:33 PM, February 6th (Saturday)]

I have another question for you that you won't like.

If this guy was ready to leave his wife for yours, how likely do you think she will stay in this marriage ?

What made her come clean the night she did after hiding him for so long ?

Again, what should you feel about her to do to her what she did to you and act like she did after she caught you in an affair ? Keep that in mind when you are dealing with the issues. Just you loving her is not enough to fix the issues.

Kimichi

No clue what you are talking about. She did not catch me in an affair. I have not had an affair.

I think he's trying to say, put yourself in her shoes, acting the way she acted after she was caught, but I'm a bit lost myself.

I've been reading through just the first few pages, haven't caught up yet, but I hope this weekend is going well for you, Timetoact.

Timetoact

We've had discussions regarding the type of posts here from the perspective of "constructive or not".

Upon discovery a wayward spouse will obviously not be thinking clearly and during the first few days will give BS excuses and make other statements they know not to be true. Some of this is shock and sometimes it's meant to minimize and try to cover aspects of the affair or affair partner. These acts are common for almost all cheaters. If they abandon this tactic fairly soon and become honest I believe in pretty much taking everything they said during the discovery period with a grain of salt.

When posters base their entire analysis of the situation on the early statements, they should also be taken with a grain of salt.

Kimichi

No clue what you are talking about. She did not catch me in an affair. I have not had an affair.

Yeah, I was confused myself reading that again . :) The sentence got too long.

What I meant was..

Switch places with her and imagine that you were the one that had the affair. Say, you had an affair with a younger co-worker when out of town and she caught you like you caught her. In this imaginary situation, repeat the current scenario with switched characters.

What kind of guy do you have to be to have such an affair ? What must you feel about her to do this to her ? If you loved her, would you do this her ?

Makes sense ?

The reason I ask this is because, right now the "current you" is not a cheater. So you cannot empathize with how her mind works.By making you imagine you a scenario where you do the same to her, I am trying to get yu think more about her thought process

It wasn't a drunk ONS. It wasn't one single event.There were probably a thousands of moments between the start of her affair and the end of her affair where it might have occurred to her that she is betraying you. Maybe the first few times, you might have been a factor causing her some guilt. But after that,she got comfortable with it. She got used to the thought of betraying and lying to you. Your heartbreak was not a factor. Protecting OM was more important than you. One manifestation of this apathy is continuing the affair and having sex with him even after the D-day.

This post is already getting long. I do not have enough details on why she suddenly changed her mind. What was that made her change her mind ? How much did "you" factor into this decision ?

Timetoact,

I got an important question for you as well.

Broncos or the Panthers?

Don't forget to relax and have some fun today. Get to a superbowl party somewhere.

I think those are very good questions by Kimichi.

I always advocate putting someone else in your shoes if you were wronged or putting yourself in their shoes if you need to figure out a mindset.

However, slippery slope. Putting yourself in your wife's shoes to understand what she was thinking may be the wrong thing in this case because it has always been my viewpoint that someone broke in having an affair and you can't make sense of morally depraved acts by others because those actions are based on greed and unethical standards.

I do think it may be wise to get her to put herself in your shoes so she can understand the damage she has done

I disagree Deserta.

What happened early on and what is happening today is all relevant. It's all part of the same storyline.

I am not sure why you are slapping at Kimichi as I thought they were good questions.

I also disagree. Yes, people have a tendency to say crazy things once getting caught. Sometimes, they say what they really believe too. There's no science to it. I am sure some psychologist out there could do some study on it.

I am not going to engage Timetoact right now as he feels he's on the right path. However, if I was newly betrayed here, I would listen to what EVERYBODY had to say, even the ones who are more harsh. That's why it bothers me to no end when people who have one viewpoint tells an OP to ignore people with different viewpoints. Telling someone only what they want to hear or treating people only with kid's gloves isn't always the most helpful

Well... My two cents (And guaranteed worth as much!)...It sounds to me like nothing more than an affair of convenience. She had pretty boy coming on to her... The endorphins kicked in, she felt the rush and liked it. Not just her... Anyone will feel this. It is what they do after that separates us all.

I've had women make me offers in the past. It is a huge boost to the ego and fires fantasies for a while. (At least for me!)

Timetoact... Get the poly! It should tell you if there is a larger issue. Other than that we can all sit here and speculate until the cows come home! I think you will find this is a one-off. I hope so anyway!

I'm taking a break today and going to an old friend's house I haven't seen in a long time. She always makes me laugh... So we all will sing Karaoke, watch the game and have fun!

Hope you are having a good weekend!

You are all right. She and OM had a conversation last night. From what she admitted, or said, she told me she told him it was over , and that there was no more physical contact.

Not sure if you read Walloped's thread but his wife told him something similar but what actually happened in the break up call was entirely different.

Very likely, they had the "soulmates that cannot be together in this life because of the kids and responsibilities" call.

Not sure if you read Walloped's thread but his wife told him something similar but what actually happened in the break up call was entirely different.

Since me and my wife were brought up, Kimichi is not wrong, but it's more complicated than that. I think a hybrid approach is warranted. You can't fully discount the initial reaction, but what has happened since is vastly more important. So, it should inform and be weighed against subsequent actions. Plus, you have to keep in mind you may still not be getting the whole truth. It's a hard thing to do, especially since we want to believe (cue Fox Mulder).

So, TTA, you are likely not sharing with us every sentence or gesture and interaction you are having with your wife (smart!). So only you can gauge her behavior and the things she is doing that make you comfortable she's being honest now and focused on you and your M. In the end, you have to be comfortable. The key is actions and deeds, not words. I think you're in a good spot (how bizarre that we can call this a "good spot") and are on the right track.

I do hope you're able to take a break from this mess and enjoy the game.

Best.

three very good thoughts in a row here by Mindblown, Walloped and Kimichi.

BTW, AFC guy here but Raiders fan.

Go Carolina

Keep in mind, OM is not viable and she knows it.

He is 2000 miles away. If he leaves his wife he needs to stay close or he loses his access to his kid as the court will not allow them to leave state.

So the WW will have to give up her job, family and home to be with him.

She is aware he is 10 years younger and he is a cheater. It will be only a matter of time before she too is dumped for the next conquest.

She knows deep down she is only a booty call for him.

It sounds to me like nothing more than an affair of convenience. She had pretty boy coming on to her... The endorphins kicked in, she felt the rush and liked it. Not just her... Anyone will feel this. It is what they do after that separates us all.

MindBlown

She had no interest in any future with this guy at all. if you met my wife and talked to her you would not think she was ready to run off with some guy with three young children. She tells everyone how glad she is that she is done with all the school activities and the child rearing.

Timetoact

I agree with both the above. As clearly illustrated in SpaceGhost’s thread women tend to be more upset by their spouse having an EA than a PA while men are the reverse. ShaceGhost’s wife felt that she was being faithful in the way that mattered most. When confronted she avoided the subject of sex and said: “You’re the only one I’ve ever loved.” She planned no future with her OM and never told him that she loved him.

The point is that these women were projecting and assuming that their husband’s priorities were the same as theirs. They thought they were working with a safety net in that if caught their husband would think like them. They knew that their husband would be upset but when push came to shove how could anyone end a long and happy marriage over something as insignificant as sex?

That’s why OP’s wife had the balls to ask for the sex to continue. To her it was a reasonable request because it was only sex and the relationship was never in danger.

The ONLY reason they walk the straight and narrow after D day is the threat of consequences. If they break parole they will go to jail.

They feel bad because the discovery of the sex hurt their husband but they have little or no intrinsic guilt for the sex itself. If the affair was never discovered they would be congratulating themselves for making such a wise decision for some innocent fun.

You can’t count on them to become disgusted with their behavior. The only deterrent is the threat of discovery and divorce.

Get the poly and ask yourself if the constant checking up on her is worth it.

"Is the juice worth the squeeze."

[This message edited by Graywolf at 1:11 PM, February 7th (Sunday)]