SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Strangely, I feel the need to pop some popcorn.

manoflamancha, I feel a strong alpha vibe coming from you and maybe you feel threatened by another perceived alpha, but I'm not a licensed psychologist, so I don't know.

I haven't read your story, and maybe I should, but I don't understand the anger and resentment towards TTA in each of your posts. I get 2X4's, but you are trying to down a California redwood on his head, and it is completely unnecessary. Maybe he does need to do some reflection on what you are saying. But, you could have said it more eloquently, and less frequently. Raise the question once, and let him ponder in silence. He doesnt need to answer here!

**edited for spelling

[This message edited by nomoregames at 6:18 PM, February 9th (Tuesday)]

I completely disagree with you regarding her showing remorse - she does not sound remorseful in the slightest - just ensuring that her marriage doesn't fall apart unnecessarily just because she fvcked some eye candy!

First, as you said yourself, "for the millionth time". He obviously he has heard you. Consider if you are moving past informing TTA and into manipulating him.

Second, remorse can be faked, actions can't. Her actions speak volumes.

Third, there are no unforgivable acts, only unforgiving people. Everybody is different. I know plenty of long term marriages that have recovered from worse, and plenty that have succumbed to less. TTA is carving his own path.

she does not sound remorseful in the slightest

MflM - Have you read all TTA's posts on this thread? It seems like you may be mixing her up with someone else. If you have, then perhaps a better approach would be to list things she could and/or should be doing that would convince you (and perhaps further convince TTA) that she's truly remorseful. Perhaps some of those items would help TTA and his spouse progress in a manner best for them.

I'm not him (or her) but it seems to me like TTA has things pretty well in-hand at this point, and is always open to suggestions, ideas, and encouragement. Hang in there TTA, I think you've made very reasonable choices so far.

[This message edited by c24j at 7:19 PM, February 9th (Tuesday)]

ok, interesting points here in this back and forth. I can't remember, has she ever recanted those statements she initially made and proven that her recanting them were genuine ? I get it. She's done some good things as has TAA. But what is he doing to seek reassurance ?

I get everyone rooting for TAA as well all want the best for him but how has she addressed her initial statements ?

This site shouldn't be about 'yes' people and rooting for this stuff like we are rooting for the Red Sox in the world series.

Real life decisions have real life consequences.

Just had to add those two cents.

[This message edited by Western at 7:59 PM, February 9th (Tuesday)]

She has suggested that we do more than one polygraph with different examiners so that I am completely confident in the results. What are thoughts on that one?????? Opinions needed.

My opinion is multiple polygraphs is for her benefit in case she fails, then she gets a second or chance or third. Whether or not she is being truthful or not, she's got to be worried about one single result. What if the examiner screws it up. So she is hedging her bets. That's OK. I think all you need is the one.

The only one I care about is if she had previous affairs. Most cheaters seem to me to be such good liars and seem like born gamblers, they have nerves like steel when it comes to risking the marriage and continuing lying. Let her go through with the poly and pass, then you know where to go next.

House, I disagree with the unforgiving acts and unforgiving people line. To me, some acts are unforgivable. In this case, I am not making an assessment either way. Just stating my point.

c24j, TAA hasn't been open to all points. You are wrong here. However, he's been receptive much of the time.

Again, not dissenting to mess with TAA. I hope he gets what he wants out of this thing.

However, IMO, everyone is entitles to their own opinions, not their own facts

Well, back from a decent time with my friend tossing down a few. Looks like we have another little dust up with my buddy La Mancha Man. Thanks for those trying to intercept the bombs or trees, but I'll take a shot at it myself since my wife is not here and I'm not too sleepy.

Now Mr. Man of La Mancha

TTA may have "his bases covered" whatever that means but it doesn't change the fact that (and for the millionth time) he has a wife who liked what she did, does not see anything wrong with it and hence cannot be truly remorseful, wanted to continue and offered TTA to do the same, and is only prepared to stop it because TTA doesn't like it and she wants to keep her marriage (there is no future with eye candy boy). This is the situation as it stands - nothing can change that - it cannot be unsaid by her. So how does one cover bases against this ?

Let me answer you for the millionth time so that you do not have to ask for the millionth and one time.

How many WW or WH tell the BS they hated every minute of their affair???? And if they do, does anyone here believe that???? If she had told me she hated every minute of the sex or illicit excitement, I am sure you would have also said she was full of shit. So it seems to me that no matter what she said, it does not matter to you.

You also keep using to plural form of man and stating that everything she did was with MEN. That she wants to continue to fuck MEN. I guess you missed the part that there is only ONE MAN at present and until proven otherwise, murderers are considered innocent and so is my wife on the part about you being convinced she has done this before and will do it again.

My wife NEVER said she did not see anything wrong with it. She said that if I had done it it would not be a deal breaker for her, and by the way that is true for MOST WOMEN according to the statistics I have read. Women are more devastated by their husband being in love with an OW than the sex and if you read Space Ghosts thread his wife clearly believed that as long as she did not tell the OM she loved him that fucking him was OK. I am not buying that but female minds do not work exactly the way ours do.

My wife made one bad statement which she quickly backed off of just as Walloped's wife spent 21 minutes on a NC call and then broke NC initially. Of course you refuse to let that go because you are pissed off that I have not dumped her already. I don't know your story but my guess is if I look at all of your posts my bet would be very few if any deviate at all much from what advice you are giving me. Actually, let me rephrase the term advice. I call it more pronouncements .

As far as her only stopping because I do not like it and she wants to keep her marriage. Just think about that statement. How many WW stop it because they just do. The overwhelming number stop it because they get caught.

And for the millionth time, if my wife wanted to be with Mr. Pretty Boy, she could do it, afford it, and be more financially secure that 99% of the adult world. You totally have forgotten to read that I saw a bit off communication and no where was there any discussion of being with him as a relationship of lasting endurance. No statements of love or affection.

Now, Mr. LaMancha,I accept the fact that you think I am one stupid bastard and that my wife is the devil reincarnated who should be burned at the stake. You do not give a shit what the polygraph says because you, a person who has never met me or my wife, are all knowing about everything involving infidelity. Maybe you should publish a book and be very rich because you have it all figured out.

Now, since it is my life, I am sorry to have to advise you that I will determine when and if my marriage is a total illusion, and I will do that on the basis of my wife's actions, my feelings, and the results of some good old fashioned polygraph technology when I am ready, not you.

Have I done everything perfectly. Probably not. But your opinion that I am totally with my head up my ass is in pretty much a minority here, so try not to get frustrated and ask give me the same pronouncement for the two millionth time or you might need the Xanax I have been taking.

If you have read this far, I think you might understand what I am saying to you.

[This message edited by Timetoact at 8:59 PM, February 9th (Tuesday)]

Wow...

TTA definitely knows all about this and how to handle it. Why do you even post?

Sorry, HOP, Western, wk55, but this shouldn't be a mutual admiration society. TTA has consistently, and vehemently, disagreed with those who question him. He ridicules and disparages those who don't have his world view or agree with him.

Everyone else - Just let TTA do what he wants. He's got all the answers.

Hey Worn Down, you don;'t seem to be reading either.

I think if you read back ,you will see I have tried to politely answer WK55 on just about everything he has asked.

I believe HOP as you call him just for the first time posted anything.

So I do not know why you are trying to form a little gang here. I think they all can speak for themselves.

No one is twisting anyone's arm here so if you have no interest do what you suggested.

Seems like a small few of you can throw the bombs but don't like any incoming coming back at you.

People. What the heck?!?!

Let's focus on giving help that is asked for.

TTA - you know the saying, "Misery loves company".

There's a huge recruitment process where bullies get together to insult a man's wife as much as the target can tolerate and beyond.

I've seen a few of these guys target 100% of strong-minded men who make any attempt to recover their marriage after their wife cheats on them. They use vile language to describe the woman's cheating behaviors, to "poison the water" so to speak - to try to make you so repulsed by your wife's actions and supposed thoughts/motives as they describe, that you can't look at her without seeing their descriptives. They literally try to make you want to throw up every time you even think about her. You can see it in every post they make to you. You're in good company. They did it to Walloped too.

That's why they tell you a million and one times. It's a way to psychologically manipulate you into joining their team and dumping your wife without a second glance.

I knew the popcorn would come in handy.

Sorry, HOP, Western, wk55, but this shouldn't be a mutual admiration society. TTA has consistently, and vehemently, disagreed with those who question him. He ridicules and disparages those who don't have his world view or agree with him.

If you've read from the beginning, TTA was respectful to all in his replies. I do sense that he may be getting a little frustrated as of late, and his replies show his impatience. I wouldn't say he has ridiculed or disparaged anyone. quite the contrary, he has been ridiculed and disparaged himself. He has been basically been called cuckold by a few members here because his wife had an affair and got caught. Guess that makes every other male on here cuckold too. Yes, she had an affair, but NO he is not condoning it or allowing her to continue.

AS CanoeVA has said, back to the issue at hand. I think TTA has been given all the "what ifs" and now can work on moving forward as he decides. I think his only open issue is the offer of his wife for three polygraphs and the implication of that offer. Apparently, two schools of thought:

1. If she fails one, she has two more chances to pass, causing plausible deniability.

2. She is genuinely remorseful and has come clean, or plans on coming clean, therefore, she believe she can easily pass three tests.

Personally, I believe his wife is remorseful. I would take her offer at face value, and plan on a single poly and take the results as is. I would say after she travels next, maybe another. Three may be overkill.

That's just me though :)

WS say a lot of stupid stuff when they get caught. How many of the WWs we know from this site (including ours) volunteered to do a polygraph? And not only once, but as many times as necessary, even years from now?

TTA - keep doing what you're doing. There's plenty of time for you to decide whether to reconcile or divorce. You've been dealt a serious blow. Don't rush. Weigh the evidence. get the polygraph. and watch your wife's actions. time will tell whether she's remorseful. then do what you wish. you're the only one that can decide. i think you're doing well.

hang in there.

Hey TTA

No question that your WW being willing to take multiple lie detector tests is a great sign.

What is even a better sign is that she is constantly texting you to make sure you are ok and proving she is being safe.

I wish the best for you tonight. Take care.

NoMoreGames/Canoe

Back to the mission at hand. Good point about the What If's.Here's how I see them as possibilities. It's how I react to each that is still not totally clear

WHAT IF

(1) she is telling the entire truth. OK. I still have a lot of work to do with her

(2) she gives me more TT in addition to the admission she had dinner with two guys and never talked to them again. If she kissed one?? If she did more???

(3) she is a serial cheater and has been hooking up with guys a lot. That one is easy.

No cake walk on any of these. #2 is the most difficult.

Most of us will say infidelity is a deal breaker. Most of us do not hold unconditionally to that.

I knew the responses and questions I would probably get on the multiple polygraphs. Let me clarify.

I thought it would be a good idea because of all the conflicting opinion on reliability. My wife will do one, two, three, or as many as I want. That comes from her.

If she was INSISTING ON ANY AMOUNT, I might think there was some sneaky reason. To me, on something this big, where the finances are not an issue, it would be similar to having a more reliable sample in a poll on something.

Someone suggested she could learn how to beat the test. I guess that is possible, probably not likely to happen three times. That was my point . I guess I'll have to decide. Probably will do at least two because I want one done after she goes to the meeting where OM will be and that is not for another 5 or 6 weeks. Not sure I want to wait that long to get the question about previous affairs if any answered.

I got a text about an hour ago from my wife. She told her co worker who works for her that she is with that she was taking an earlier flight home on Thursday so she could be home for a bit with me before I left. I am happy about that.

This Sunday is Valentines Day. I already told her no BIG day or mushy cards right now. I am going to take her out for a nice dinner. We both need a little time alone together without this 24/7.

Nuance, what you said is big to me. I said it before and concur with you. Everything she did was stupid, what she initially said was stupid. When a WW says anything immediately after getting caught, everyone says 99% of anything they say is bull shit.

When someone can tell me why she would be chomping at the bit for a polygraph, then maybe I'll get a bit more skeptical about the probably outcome.

TTA,

I just wanted to tell you, again, that you are way ahead of the game. You took a hard line at the beginning which may very well have forced your wife's head out of the fog quicker than those of us who were afraid a hard line would get us a divorce.

Your wife is talking, transparent, and willing to poly. That is HUGE for one month out. As for her liking to have sex with other men...well, sex feels good and it is nice to have an attractive partner. You were dead on when you said if she told you she didn't enjoy it she'd be lying. We all want to believe it was "just one horrible time" but logic dictates otherwise if there was more than one meeting. I'd rather my husband was honest and it sounds like your wife was one of the few who was from the start. If my husband told me he didn't find other woman attractive and wouldn't enjoy sex with them, I'd laugh while I called him a liar. Further, a lot of WS say some really stupid things when first confronted. The offer to open the marriage, have a threesome, or let the BS have affairs is often made. Some who think her statement about not being bothered if TTA had NSA sex should read the stupid things WS say threads. The fact that your wife finds other men attractive isn't the problem. It's her acting on it that is the problem.

This is going to take time and a lot of work, particularly on her boundaries. You may reconcile happier than ever or you may decide it's a deal breaker after all. You're not an idiot. No one can live your life but you and you are under no obligation to answer questions on this forum (or anywhere else, for that matter). You've been exceptionally gracious as it is.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 10:09 PM, February 9th (Tuesday)]

TTA - you know the saying, "Misery loves company".

There's a huge recruitment process where bullies get together to insult a man's wife as much as the target can tolerate and beyond.

I've seen a few of these guys target 100% of strong-minded men who make any attempt to recover their marriage after their wife cheats on them. They use vile language to describe the woman's cheating behaviors, to "poison the water" so to speak - to try to make you so repulsed by your wife's actions and supposed thoughts/motives as they describe, that you can't look at her without seeing their descriptives. They literally try to make you want to throw up every time you even think about her. You can see it in every post they make to you. You're in good company. They did it to Walloped too.

That's why they tell you a million and one times. It's a way to psychologically manipulate you into joining their team and dumping your wife without a second glance.

Perfectly said! TTA... Stay strong and on target as you are... You're doing VERY well! I am pulling for you big time!

He ridicules and disparages those who don't have his world view or agree with him.

Thanks for proving my point.

Hey Worn Down, you don;'t seem to be reading either.

I think if you read back ,you will see I have tried to politely answer WK55 on just about everything he has asked.

I believe HOP as you call him just for the first time posted anything.

So I do not know why you are trying to form a little gang here. I think they all can speak for themselves.

No one is twisting anyone's arm here so if you have no interest do what you suggested.

Seems like a small few of you can throw the bombs but don't like any incoming coming back at you.

I read everything. You lashed out at ABC123wife, Jduff and Kimichi for simply asking you to look at why your WW chose to do what she did (over a period of time), and then miraculously changed in a couple of weeks.

Does it happen? Yes, it does, but rarely. The general course of actions is that the WS covers up, doesn't make the fundamental changes that caused them to think that cheating was ok (and your original posts made it quite clear that she thought it was perfectly fine), and then 6 months later, cheats again.

What these people are trying to do, is get you to realize that that process of self evaluation and change doesn't happen in two weeks. Yet, you read it as saying you should divorce immediately (which you accused JDuff and Kimichi of - their posts suggested no such thing).

Sheesh!! I'm really surprised at how much some posters want to cling to the stupid stuff Mrs. TTA said when she first got caught. I don't know if I totally buy into the "fog" theory but I do know that many WSs have completely detached from reality and are running around in a fairy tale. When suddenly busted, most of them say some really stupid shit. I got the "I didn't think you'd care" line and the "it was just sex" shit even though he KNEW I would care A GREAT DEAL.

Moreover, I said some REALLY stupid shit too from "I'm going to expose you at work and ruin your career" (I'm a SAHM! What could be more stupid whether I stay or go??) to "I forgive you" at two weeks past DDa. Neither of those things happened.

Let's focus on her actions NOW.