SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TTA- you seem to be aware of good posts & advices.

No need to give energy to ones you don't agree with, or that don't apply to your situation. You have enough shit going on right now.

Good luck, man. You're doing fine. It sucks, but you're doing fine

manfromlamanch - your post is kind of insulting. You seem to be saying that if TTA tries to R with his wife, he must "like" having a woman who had an affair. We've all been cheated on. None of us like it. You've also categorized his wife as the kind of woman who likes and wants to fuck young, handsome men. What's the point of that? Presumably for the last several years she didn't. So I guess you would have categorized her as someone who "didn't" like to do that. See? Not helpful.

Some people feel that the minute a spouse cheats you should divorce. That's a good policy. But some people feel otherwise. They look at the totality of the circumstances, whether they were happy before, whether they love their spouse, whether they feel their spouse can become remorseful, whether they have children, whether they think their spouse deserves another chance. That's a good policy too.

Your post seemed to be trying to put TTA down for simply trying to weigh his options. It doesn't seem like you're actually trying to help him do what *he* wants.

"When the only tool someone has is a hammer, everything looks like a nail."

I'm very grateful to have more resources in my toolbox than just hammers. I was prepared to use a hammer 3 years ago. I moved in that direction, and put safeties in place as my heart was cold and dead from my husband's cheating. But circumstances dictated that I strategically take my time. This allowed fWH to demonstrate whatever he was going to show. All I had to do was pay attention and keep moving in the direction of self-preservation while I watched.

To some, all wayward wives are evil to their core (nails), no nuances or exceptions. They hammer insults and slurs from their own pain. Maybe their wives were evil to the core. Maybe they totally enjoyed the cheating. So from their pain, the only tool they have to use is that damned hammer. They read into other people's situations the same evil and selfishness from their own. Those glasses don't allow for individuality to the other situations. It's all or nothing to them. Unfortunately, all or nothing thinking makes them feel the only tool they need is a hammer. To them there is nothing else. So no personal growth is forthcoming.

TTA - you have time to act. You have time to assess. And you are doing great that way. It seems you see the hammers for what they are.

Betrayed wife here...coming up on 10 years since my husbands ONS with prostitute. Still so hard to type that.

Anyway, I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

I have read the whole thread this morning. Just WOW! Again, sorry for your pain.

You have expressed that one element that is in the forefront of your mind is whether or not this behavior from your wife has happened before.

There is one comment that you made in one of your posts that stuck out to me. You were referring to a comment your wife made that if you ever had sexual encounters on the road, she hoped you would just keep it to yourself. (Apologies if I misunderstood the post.).

I just wanted to say (for what it's worth) that a comment of that nature seems odd. It just seems like a comment that wouldn't be said without a reason. It seems like a retroactive red flag - for lack of another label. It possibly suggests that she would hope you would feel the same - and therefore possibly suggest that she either had already done such a thing, or at least was considering it. But you know better how your conversations normally go.

I'm just glad that you are at least considering the possibility that this may not be the first time for your wife. Fingers crossed that you have positive results with the polygraph.

I wish you well.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 7:58 AM, February 9th (Tuesday)]

Mike7, my post is based on what TTA has said his wife's response to being discovered was and also on stuff she has said to him in the past. Sure we've all been cheated on but here is what I am basing what I said on:

1. She didn't think it was a big deal to have sex with others if there was no emotion involved - she even said he could do it and it wouldn't be a deal breaker. SHE LIKES TO FVCK OTHER MEN. Its only sex.

2. She thought the other (younger) man's body was attractive and worth winning - SHE LIKES TO FVCK OTHER YOUNG MEN.

3. She asked if she could continue with the sex with the other man - SHE WANTS TO FVCK OTHER YOUNG MEN.

4. TTA has explained about her need to win and self gratify etc - he has explained her frame of mind in pursuing this - HE HAS JUSTIFIED TO SOME DEGREE WHAT SHE DID.

5. He is thinking of reconciling based on her agreeing to not do it even though he knows she wants to and does not really see anything wrong with it - HE IS DECIDING WHETHER TO ACCEPT SUCH A WIFE OR NOT.

This is NOT exactly the same as others who have been cheated on - most wayward wives when caught, do not ask if they can continue to fvck the sexy young man that they are lusting after since it is only sex and the BH is being given permission to do the same etc.

So no, Mike, it isn't insulting - its simplifying the thread down to a decision TTA has to make and be ready to deal with in the future.

For those of you trying to be helpful here, I am now alone for the first real time since the I guess what you would call D Day. my wife is on plane to spend two days working with one of her employees in field ( female and married co worker). I had no reason to question that, but she forwarded me their work e mail correspondence. They are going out for dinner tonight. No real anxiety about this so far.

My wife has been texting me all morning, telling me she loves me, and asking me not to worry. Hard to do but I do appreciate the texts.

She has suggested that we do more than one polygraph with different examiners so that I am completely confident in the results. What are thoughts on that one?????? Opinions needed.

My initial thought on that would be you would have to do an odd number, like three at shorty spaced times, in order not to have any " tie", where one result offsets another. Has anyone done this??????

COST IS NOT AN ISSUE.

I need to start formulating the questions. i think they are pretty simple but I am reading some have to be just yes or no answers. Is that true for all????

And before anyone gets excited, Mr. Pretty Boy is in his home city making like the best husband in the world to his wife. That comes from his wife.

WHATS RIGHT

I'm just glad that you are at least considering the possibility that this may not be the first time for your wife. Fingers crossed that you have positive results with the polygraph.

Your statement makes total sense, and I would be an idiot if I did not think that could be a possibility. Hope to hell I am right and that it is something that has not happened.

This evening, I am going to try to relax and little and am going to "happy hour" with a friend of mine. just do not feel like sitting around in the house alone right now.

[This message edited by Timetoact at 12:05 PM, February 9th (Tuesday)]

Whenever someone here suggests a poly, they almost always add that if the WS is being truthful, they will jump at the chance to reassure you.

She's jumping up and down and waving flags and smoke signals here. Definitely good signs for a positive poly result. I don't want to get hopes up, but if we're gonna call it like we see it, well, damn. She might just be telling the truth.

Enjoy happy hour! I've been way too dry for way too long and could sure use a captain coke.

Garlic Bread,

What you wrote are my thoughts exactly. I cannot come up with any reason why someone who is GUILTY would be wanting to get to the forum where it can be proven as fast as they can.

Now, I have read enough to know that there is always the possibility that at any time before she gets strapped in that she could try to wriggle out of it in some way.

And I think if I remember right Mind Blown's wife at first agreed and then reneged. I could be wrong on that one, but this test or tests are going to happen or its is D for me.

I am starting to look into the possibility of MC but I do not want to get ahead of the curve here.

Garlic, if you are talking about Captain Morgan, I'll have one for you but with Pepsi not Coke. Thanks for the suggestion

[This message edited by Timetoact at 12:21 PM, February 9th (Tuesday)]

I think she's doing just what a remorseful ws does. She's making the appointment, for a polygraph that she is pushing for...and has said there will be more, because she clearly wants to eliminate that doubt for you.

I'm impressed.

Pepsi is better anyway, Captain Coke just flows better.

Can I ask when the poly is scheduled for, if it's already scheduled? Definitely will be on the lookout for how that goes for you. Like confused615, I'm impressed. A genuinely remorseful spouse is so rare, it'd be nice to see.

She has suggested that we do more than one polygraph with different examiners so that I am completely confident in the results. What are thoughts on that one?????? Opinions needed.

The skepticism in me says she read up on how to beat polys, she is "competitive" and "loves a challenge" and is saying to herself "bring it on!"

I'm being facetious. Sometimes you have to look at the situation with a little humor so you can get a better grasp on it.

I myself like Pyrat and Sprite zero, even better if I can find the cranberry variety Sprite.

[This message edited by Jduff at 12:47 PM, February 9th (Tuesday)]

It's good to hear that she's eager to do the poly and that she's trying to reassure you. On the off-chance that she's planning on trying to "beat" the polygraph, I'd recommend that you (1) find a really good one, preferably with many years in the FBI/law enforcement (maybe some members on SI can help you if they know a good one), and (2) consider this: tell her that the polygraph is scheduled for __.__.2016, but actually schedule one for in the morning a few days sooner (for when you'll know she'll be off work) and then tell her in the morning. That will perhaps throw her offbalance and prevent any attempts at fooling the polygraph, by taking some medication etc.

And yes, as far as I know, the questions can be only yes/no and only pertaining to facts/events, not emotions (so no questions like "Did you love him/her?"), and from what I remember from college, you can reliably ask only 3-4 real questions on the topic, so you will probably be able to get 3-4 questions in at any one polygraph session. If there are more questions, multiple sessions will probably be needed.

You're doing great handling this shitty situation! Take care

Garlic

Can I ask when the poly is scheduled for, if it's already scheduled? Definitely will be on the lookout for how that goes for you. Like confused615, I'm impressed. A genuinely remorseful spouse is so rare, it'd be nice to see.

She is looking into it now, but we want to do it when BOTH of us can clear our schedules day before and after.

If we do multiple tests, I will probably ask for one for AFTER she goes to meeting where OM will be as well as at least one before she goes.

JDUFF

I ain't having this done by someone who just got qualified to do it. If she beats it two or three times, I'll have her get job at CIA and become a spy.

Confused615

She is doing more than just agreeing to a polygraph and being proactive. Since she came back to bedroom she has asked me more times than I can count if I want to talk, and we have. She has not dodged one question. No, none of the answers are acceptable as excuses, but it happened.

One other reason I feel she is remorseful is there has not been one peep of anything I did to cause this. And believe me, if she wanted to i am sure she could come up with something.

Thanks for your support.

offering a poly is pretty strong.

offering two is (IMHO) above and beyond.

Three? I dunno, man. Really?

Kudos to your WW. She's trying (it seems) to earn your trust back. Good.

Hey TTA,

You're doing remarkably well here, and I'm pulling for you; I really am.

Bend your mind to see if you can think of something you KNOW for a fact she lies about to you, but that you let slide because it is unimportant or whatever.

For example, my XWW had an abortion before we ever met, but when asked directly, she insisted she never did. I KNOW she did, I stumbled on correspondence between her and XMIL by accident.

If you have something like that, you'll be able to ask it in the poly exam and, if she continues the lie and beats it, you'll know she can.

TTA, you still have not answered the question: "do you want to be with someone who deep down does not see the big deal in what she did, admits that she enjoys/ed it and even asked you if she could continue ? Someone who only stopped because you have a problem with it, not her and even offered you to do the same ?"

Do you not have a fundamental problem with her mindset and associated behaviour on this ???

Manfromlamancha.... No need to throw gas on a fire here... Timetoact has weighed everything, correctly in my opinion. As he has stated... There is a WHOLE lot more he hasn't said...

TTA... Keep going man! Toasting you with a Jack and Coke now! She sounds repentant and that she wants to earn your trust back! Good for you!

Don't let your head go crazy while she is away!

I'm in your corner!

MindBlown, I am not throwing gas on the fire - just making sure that TTA really has thought this through.

I completely disagree with you regarding her showing remorse - she does not sound remorseful in the slightest - just ensuring that her marriage doesn't fall apart unnecessarily just because she fvcked some eye candy!

And TTA is making it incredibly easy for her at the moment. Or so it appears. Lets wait and see what he has up his sleeve.

manfromlamancha,

I think this is moving in the right direction. TTA has his bases covered !

TTA may have "his bases covered" whatever that means but it doesn't change the fact that (and for the millionth time) he has a wife who liked what she did, does not see anything wrong with it and hence cannot be truly remorseful, wanted to continue and offered TTA to do the same, and is only prepared to stop it because TTA doesn't like it and she wants to keep her marriage (there is no future with eye candy boy). This is the situation as it stands - nothing can change that - it cannot be unsaid by her. So how does one cover bases against this ?