SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am glad that you did not respond to the crazy OW. Yes, she is desperate because she has no clue what is going on. Good for her, turn around is fair play as they say. Those months that she knew things you did not know made her feel important. Now she is realizing she was never important to your STBX and she is clinging to everything she can think of to make herself important again but nothing is working. I call that sweet revenge.

I can understand you wanting to care for your STBX from a far with your DSS. You are correct he does not need any add'l stress right now after the aneurysm and leg injury. I think he has enough stress with what he has done already. Maybe after the DSS leaves you can have Bob check on him from time to time. He probably needs a friend right now that will not judge him too harshly and just be a good friend.

I think you are correct in staying on the path to D. Only you know what you can live with and accept. If R is not for you, then it's not. I tried it, it was not pretty and only caused add'l pain to an already painful situation. I now know that it was a worthless battle and I am glad that I walked away from it. I have healed a lot quicker now that I have accepted that XWH#2 was never the man I thought he was and I know I would have never really accepted him 100% back into my life after what he did.

So you just keep on keeping on. You will have good days and bad days, but all the while you will be healing and getting even stronger than you are now. I guess you know it's time to give the marriage up when your life turns into a bad Jerry Springer show.

Well said, Tears of Love. I do feel her desperation but I guarantee that the last thing I will ever feel is any sorrow for her. Never.

I go back and forth to Yelp and I start the process but honestly, you have to give so much information to sign up and I just can't get past the idea it will just stir up more trouble, it will keep me tethered to her. I would NOT be kind and I honestly just don't want to waste my time on her. I've told friends who have told friends who have told friends. No one I know will be hiring her and she had clients among my friends. I'll rely on that methodology to get the word out on her. When all is said and done, bringing any harm to her poor daughter is what stops me. She doesn't deserve it.

Thanks, all, for talking me off the ledge today. Much needed.

I go back and forth to Yelp and I start the process but honestly, you have to give so much information to sign up and I just can't get past the idea it will just stir up more trouble, it will keep me tethered to her. I would NOT be kind and I honestly just don't want to waste my time on her. I've told friends who have told friends who have told friends. No one I know will be hiring her and she had clients among my friends. I'll rely on that methodology to get the word out on her. When all is said and done, bringing any harm to her poor daughter is what stops me. She doesn't deserve it.

I totally get that. For about 2 years after the second affair, I left a post up on a cheater's website with as much information about the affair and the unremorseful OW as I could muster. It was my way of warning everyone else about what she was really like. However, I believe it was a post here about karma that had me considering what karma really would look like to me. To me, karma is knowing exactly how the victim of a wrong that you perpetrate feels. When I considered what would be required for her to know how I felt, I realized it also meant her kids having to go through what mine did and her husband having to become a cheater. No matter what she'd done, the innocents in her life didn't deserve it. At that moment, I no longer was concerned about whether or not she ever "got hers". I took down the post and let go of the outcome. With that came freedom from my own OW tether.

I figured that she would either learn from her behavior and become a better person as my husband did. And, if so, she deserves the second chance just as much. Or she would continue on her path without concern for those she hurt and she would ultimately cause her own much deserved downfall.

Based on candy's messages, I'm betting on the latter for her. Learning lessons appears to come very difficult for that one. More likely than not, she'll be her own downfall without your help.

So your choice to not warn the masses with an internet review will only likely prolong the inevitable, anyway. Your peace of mind is worth more in the long run. And I've always heard that word of mouth is the best advertising. I imagine it works both ways with that.

TrustGone:

First - man I'm sorry for your situation, so sorry your ex put you through what he put you through. I'm glad you survived and are here today giving me strength. Just wow. You're the true rock here.

So you just keep on keeping on. You will have good days and bad days, but all the while you will be healing and getting even stronger than you are now.

Yep, the first part of your sentence is how it has felt the last few days, in particular these two nights in a new place. It's not easy. I remember the last time I moved and how exciting it was and how fun. It was to move into WH's home right after we married. I insisted we wait until then. Wanted to be traditional and old-fashioned about the whole thing. Silly, really, but I look back at that time fondly. Now moving into my own place again - not even close to the same. It's sad. It's depressing. It's hard. I tossed and turned both nights here so far. I have spent 3 nights in almost two months now in what was considered "my own bed" at WH's home. Now that I am into my own place, I do hope this starts to feel like home and "my own bed."

I have to go out of town next week for my first work trip since this all went down. Back to normalcy, I guess. It will be nice to be in a mental place where I can get into a new normalcy. I hope that comes soon.

I have been mulling over WordsofWisdom's comment that perhaps deep down inside I am considering R with WH. I wondered if that were true. I definitely do still care for him or I wouldn't at all be concerned about his well-being. I do hope I have enough compassion in me to care for someone I have loved for these last 8 years under his current circumstances. I probably do still feel some love for him deep down.

I don't know. I can't tell with all the hurt, anger, disgust, disappointment and confusion mixed in with it. I definitely have very strong instincts for my own self-preservation and above all else, that is what I cling to whenever I get down. I have to do what I have to do to come out stronger, more resilient and with my sense of self-worth intact. This is what keeps me committed to the D when I let my guard down and wonder whether I could make an attempt at R. I feel I'd be putting him first, not me, and I'm not OK with that. I feel I'd be excusing his behavior and allowing him a free pass for his complete and total disrespect for me. I feel I'd have to work far too hard to prove my worth to him when I have spent years recovering and building myself up to be who I am today. Nope. I don't have it in me. Of this I am sure.

I also don't want to be the punisher. I don't want to be his constant reminder of how badly he has behaved - at least not with my presence. I hope he tries to process that anyway but I don't want to be there as the constant reminder and honestly, I don't want to have to deal with more and more pain. I spent the night tossing and turning. Emotions ran the gamut - sadness (poor me), loneliness, anger, hurt, disbelief and then acceptance that it is what it is and relief that eventually this will all be over and things will get back to some level of normalcy. This can't happen soon enough.

I still can't believe he has done this. I still can't believe he has done this with HER. I'm so pissed he brought this on us. So upset he has made me question myself as being enough for a man, as though this had anything to do with me. I question my intuition - why did I pick him and not see he was capable of this? Why did I not pick up on the fact he was out fucking around on me? I look back at the months over the affair and of course now I can see odd things here and there that maybe others would have questioned but not me. Even in hindsight it wasn't enough to signal an affair to me. I look back and I wonder - am I trying to convince myself we were emotionally attached, we were still having fun, we were still enjoying each other's company, we still laughed at each other's stupid jokes, we still enjoyed having sex and making love? My answer? That WAS us...absolutely! How in the world could that NOT be enough? If he is polyamorous, he should have told me to let me decide if that lifestyle would work for me. I can damn sure tell you I would have respectfully declined but let him go on and pursue his passion - without me! I deserved that and we could have left my heart and head intact.

Anyway, it's one of those down / meh kind of days. Probably the move has triggered it plus the shit storm activity of the OW. I just shake my head and wonder how this became my life. I wish I could do yoga class this morning but an early work day beckons. Time to put on my happy face and pretend life isn't falling around all around me. It truly is a "fake it 'til you make it kind of day."

Thanks for letting me ramble.

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 8:13 AM, November 3rd (Thursday)]

I get that you saw the chance to respond as your WH and took it. I called the skank via my WH's cell following a pathetic text. I left a voicemail calling her every name for whore and invented a few new ones.

The thing is, they convince themselves that this is a romance for the ages and the only thing between them is a pesky spouse. They cannot accept that they are disposable.

I learned the same lesson as you, no contact is best. In time you realize it sends the more powerful message that they are completely irrelevant.

toc - what you are feeling is completely normal. the ups and downs, wonderings, rollercoaster.

you don't have to decide if you want to recover with him right now. all you have to do is take care of yourself and heal from this. that is all. your feelings of being pissed that his choices changed your life - your very comfortable life -that is normal.

whether or not you decide to recover is not for anyone but you to say. the gang will be here supporting you either way.

I go back and forth to Yelp and I start the process but honestly, you have to give so much information to sign up and I just can't get past the idea it will just stir up more trouble, it will keep me tethered to her. I would NOT be kind and I honestly just don't want to waste my time on her. I've told friends who have told friends who have told friends. No one I know will be hiring her and she had clients among my friends. I'll rely on that methodology to get the word out on her. When all is said and done, bringing any harm to her poor daughter is what stops me. She doesn't deserve it.

Totally understand. Look, she's getting a nice dose of karma as it is - your crickets is like a direct knife in her heart. It is very good of you to think of her child; you are right, it is not her fault. Poor baby girl.

I completely understand the rollercoaster. Here's my advice repeated from an earlier post on this thread...go through with the D. Your current M is dead. Should things change after the D and things work out, you and he can marry again...or not...just have a relationship without the legal shit.

((((HUGS)))) Once you block her, don't be surprised if she makes a fake FB account or gets a burner phone, or blocks her number so all you see is "private call" or "restricted call" - ignore those calls, or those from unknown numbers. That's what whackadoodles do. Just be prepared. If it happens - report to FB.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 9:17 AM, November 3rd (Thursday)]

Lala - goodness, I didn't think of all the other ways she could try to get ahold of me so I will be on the lookout. I already don't answer any kind of restricted numbers so won't be answering those calls. I rarely answer any numbers I don't recognize either. Thanks for making me aware of those other channels so I can head her off at the pass. This is just nuts.

I feel I'd be excusing his behavior and allowing him a free pass for his complete and total disrespect for me. I feel I'd have to work far too hard to prove my worth to him when I have spent years recovering and building myself up to be who I am today.

Those of us in R can assure you that it is quite the opposite. There is much effort required of a BS in R. But it is not in proving ourselves worthy to our WS. It is the WS who is working hard to prove to us that THEY are worthy of US. We don't offer a free pass. We offer them a chance to fix what is broken in themselves, to help us fix the damage done to us with their betrayal, and then together we work together to fix/rebuild the broken marriage. There is absolutely no excusing, no free pass, and no "pick me" dance. But a boatload of effort needed from both spouses, for sure.

Crawling - I don't doubt what you say but I I believe that I would continue to doubt myself and I don't want that. I am sure I don't want the pain and hard work of having to build what I didn't break. I guess that's what I'm really saying. Trying to work through that will constantly bring me back to all the unanswered "why's" which leads back to "what was wrong with me?" I get he has to do the work but let's be real -- I have to live it all, over and over again, too. I would have to watch him struggle and be his shoulder to cry on.

I commend those who can do that, I really do. That's true grace in action.

But for me? No thanks.

Not again.

TOC, your personal insight and self-compassion are perhaps even more admirable than your compassion for your WH while he is in hospital. That you recognize the (frail) humanity in yourself as well as in him, even as you plan to divorce him, lets me know that your path to healing is going to be one of the most incredible stories. Even the ugly crying-on-the-kitchen-floor moments can be times of strength, so don't doubt yourself when those moments come along. And they will come. It's how the dross gets burnt off.

In your position, I would not be planning a Yelp review or any further contact with OW. I would also begin making arrangements that all communication from WH be done via third party. No more direct line to you. You see, as he lies there and mends, he is already going to be susceptible to "poor me" thinking just by virtue of the physical pain he is in and whatever fears he may have for his future health -- something he can't actually control. This is normal, of course, and situational depression is often the result.

As his convalescence continues, there's a pretty good chance his "poor me" is going to bleed over into the things he could have, in fact, controlled. This includes everything from his past career choices to his decision to begin an affair. His thinking will be muddied by the depression, making him ripe for ridiculous statements regarding your marriage.

You don't need that pain, and you don't need his attitude clawing at your ankles as you begin to walk forward. Unfortunately, the only way to avoid it is to set up all communication via third, more authoritative party. No discussion of the marriage's highs and lows, no personal information of any kind beyond what is required for the paperwork. It should remain solely business-focused. The end of a marriage, after all, is the end of a contract. Treat it as such so that you can continue your own journey without additional pain.

I see you have posted over on the S/D forum, and that's good. The lovely people there are compassionate, fierce, and full of helpful tips for when you're beginning the filing, the court dates, and even post-divorce matters like vehicles and properties. They're even good for the days when you want to have contact with your (hopefully by then X) WH. You'll hear "No contact = No new hurts" continuously. And if you pick up the phone anyway, there'll be a chorus of "Yeah, we did that too and it sucked. We understand you."

I hope you find a way to take in your yoga class. It sounds as if it's lending you some peace of mind. Is there a way you could somehow change your work schedule enough (with the blessing of your superior) to set your start time back an hour so you can be at yoga? You could frame it as a matter of mental wellness, and considering everything the past several weeks has thrown at you, your boss should be interested in keeping a well-regarded employee like you as healthy and capable as possible.

Sending you hugs.

[This message edited by Threnody at 1:30 PM, November 3rd (Thursday)]

Your feelings of care for your WH and your compassion for him through his health troubles is not a sign that you want to reconcile. It's just normal. Your brain is configured to care about him, it's not something you re-wire overnight.

The only thing that gives me the impression you might have an inclination to reconcile is that you seem to really be wanting him to screw up again so you can be reassured you are on the right path. He's not really giving you that, he seems to be trying to do the right thing. But I think this is probably normal too, it's such a sudden change of course that it's natural to question yourself a little.

If you are ever inclined to consider reconciliation, the way you have handled your betrayal will still serve you well. You stood by your boundaries, you instituted consequences, all that makes you a great candidate for either a new relationship with someone else or a new relationship with your WH. And your WH seems like a good candidate for reconciliation. And if you don't reconcile, I think you will find someone wonderful to share your future with, or even have a fabulous single life.

There's no wrong choice, really. I think you have good instincts and should trust them.

As for the OW, she's turned from clueless to mean. I hope she fails at everything she tries, but I agree with not doing the yelp review.

[This message edited by annanew at 1:57 PM, November 3rd (Thursday)]

At the first sign of inappropriate behavior - showing up at your house, for example, or sending threats - file for a restraining order against the skittlebrain. For *you* and *your residence*.

Leave STBXH off the order.

The earlier, the better.

It's another one of those crazy OW days. She's not backing off. She's now emailing me at work. She has my work email because I used to email her from work a lot when she would dog sit for us. She's just not going to back off until she finds her next sugar daddy.

There was no email rant from her. She only scanned over what I guess was a birthday card WH gave her. I say I'm guessing because the file name was Birthday Card from (Insert WH name here), so probably a pretty good guess. I did NOT open the file nor will I ever open the file.

The subject of the email is - "Read this and tell me he doesn't care."

FML!!!

Believe me. I put her in junk mail/spam/block right after I forwarded the email to WH, copying DSS, and told him to HANDLE IT! Make sure she NEVER contacts me again. Told him I also sent the email to my attorney and if warranted, she will get a cease and desist with a threat of an RO if she doesn't stop it NOW. Then I forwarded to my attorney. Then I deleted the email and deleted all emails I forwarded. Lastly, I deleted all email in my trash folder!

I HAVE HAD IT!

My attorney called soon after she got my email and we talked through it. She is going to issue the cease and desist letter. She also advised that relative to the D, WH has missed his response date to the papers he was served. I told her about his health woes and that I'm not surprised. She advised that once the court issues a notice of default, he will have 10 days to reply so can take that up then. This might go fast so at the end of the day, there was some positive news. I am so ready for this shit storm to stop!!!! Thank god I leave town next week. Thank god!

I'm checking out of work early with the blessing of my boss. I'm going to yoga class. Fuck her. Fuck him. Fuck this!

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 5:04 PM, November 3rd (Thursday)]

First, I want to say I admire the way you've handled yourself since dday.

Second, I think.contacting your attorney, and her sending a cease and desist letter is the right thing to do.

However, telling your stepson to "handle it" was unfair. He can't control her anymore than you can. He can tell his father she's not leaving you alone,but beyond that, there's nothing he can personally do.

"The subject of the email is - "Read this and tell me he doesn't care.""

evil, truly evil. wth does she want from you? your crickets are driving her crazy, that's for sure.

hang in there. your attorney will handle this.

Wow...she really is out of control.

Monday - First letter and follow-up message

Wednesday - third message

Friday - forth message (card)

You've blocked her and each time she has used a different form of communication...she is not getting the hint. Wonder if she has dropped anything off at the house...

I feel cc:ing SDS was fine. He is an adult and needs to know what's going on with his Dad while he is in the hospital.

[This message edited by Freeme at 5:38 PM, November 3rd (Thursday)]

Fuck her. Fuck him. Fuck this!

George Carlin used to say that "fucking" is something you should only do with someone you love, and therefore "Unfuck them!" would be appropriate.

Hi Confused. I only copied DSS so I hope he understands that. He is the one handling things for his dad right now. I know his dad is coherent and functioning well now but I really just wanted him to make sure he got it. But you're right, it wasn't my intent to put that burden on him. Thanks for pointing that out. I am calling him to apologize and tell him my intention with copying him.

Thanks for keeping me honest and sane.

TOC,

You have handled this whole dumpster fire with a level of grace and class that not many people can even aspire to, much less achieve. So, kudos and I hope yoga went well.

With that said, I'm just going to throw this out there for your consideration, as Rod Serling would say. (Look him up, millennials.) Generally, crickets are the way to go. But, maybe a response like this:

Candy (of course)-Before my attorney's C&D letter gets to you, maybe you should know that the last texts you got were from me on WH's phone (throw in a quote for proof.) If he cared about you and you're just so fuckin' special to him, why do you have no idea he's in the hospital with a broken leg and then for brain surgery? If you mattered to him, you would think he would have told you this. But he didn't, did he? Not so special now, are you? Do not contact me again.

I know, I know, don't engage. But dropping this "get a fucking clue" response on her would have to be a large Karma-inspired kick to goodies. Food for thought. Then let the attorney take over.