SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by wifeloveuncle at 11:25 AM, March 8th (Wednesday)]

Wow. You had me at "wife's half-uncle". Relative or not ( and it really shouldn't be a relative sheesh-a-loo) thos is making you uncomfortable for good reason and is inappropriate. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

The deployment element-ugh..... a whole other thing dor me. My XWH was military and my kids and I survived 11 deployments UNTIL over that last one he found side-chicks.... it was not pretty.

I am very sorry this is going on. You are not alone.

Hi, welcome to SI. Glad you found us.

Your wife is having an affair. Plain and simple. Up until the point where they were just chatting, it was an emotional affair. Now that they are spending time together, I will bet my home that the affair has gone physical.

Are you able to retrieve their messages somehow?

Whether he is her half uncle or not (which is quite disturbing in itself considering her behavior), she is in the midst of an affair. Her actions speak volumes, changing passwords, being secretive, lying.

I would not allow this man in your house IMO.

What you've written has more red flags that a May Day parade in China. This is seriously bad stuff.

I almost feel like she is having an emotional affair with him

She is going out of her way to talk/text with him for hours and hours -- far more time than she spends with you. That is an emotional affair (EA). She is stepping outside of the marriage and is giving what belongs to you to another man.

I know she isn't "Cheating"

Yes, she is. An emotional affair is absolutely cheating. The fact that you don't believe this is cheating is concerning and evidence that she has been working to gaslight you (i.e. to get you to doubt yourself).

she said he's her best friend and they talk about everything.

There is a long list of excuses/justifications -- just friends, it's harmless, he's like a brother (I suppose it is more likely to be "he's just my uncle"), he is a good listener, I don't think about him 'that way', etc. It is all designed to excuse the inexcusable.

I'm accused of not trusting her and being jealous.

This is flat out manipulation and control on her part. It's a standard for cheaters. It shifts the focus of the conversation and pushes guilt/blame onto you. And this isn't new, because you stated We are having marital issues stemming from my insecurity / past controlling behavior. Your marital issues aren't because of you -- you have a right to be insecure because she is a manipulative, lying, controlling cheater at heart.

Her mother told me that she's doing all sorts of things with him that she always tells me she doesn't like (watching horror films, going shooting, etc.) and stays up until 4 am hanging out with him on the couch.

The things she is doing with him underscore how deep of an EA she is in with him. In fact, what she is doing right now is "dating" him at her mother's house with her and your permission.

Being away from you and hanging out on the couch until 4AM? There is ample opportunity to take this to a PA (physical affair) and you should assume that this is occurring right now. Telling you that she won't communicate with you is just an additional indication of her intentions -- she wants to be alone with her half-uncle to date him and see if she wants to leave you.

How do I tell her I am not comfortable with the level of contact she has with him without sounding controlling and possessive?

Ditch the concerns about feeling controlling or possessive. Those are manipulative terms your wife uses to excuse the affair and get you to accept the affair that she is already having. You should be absolutely pissed because your wife has brought another man into your marriage. That is never acceptable and you shouldn't tolerate the lack of love and respect your wife is showing you.

My $0.02 is that you shouldn't waste any more time. Call your wife and tell her that you aren't going to tolerate her ongoing affair with her half-uncle. She can either come home right now or she can not come home at all. She makes a decision on the spot.

Prepare yourself for all kinds of excuses/manipulation ranging from you're just jealous/insecure/paranoid to she is just at your mom's for a family visit to she is confused/doesn't know/won't be controlled into making a decision. If she won't come home NOW and/or tries to buy more time/won't make a decision, she IS making the choice to be with her uncle instead of you and wants to continue the affair. Under no circumstances should she bring her half-uncle to your home regardless of what she decides.

From the sound of things, she is very manipulative/controlling/emotionally abusive, so you should prepare for her to refuse to make a decision. If that is how things go, you need to protect yourself and expose the affair.

1. Go see a lawyer ASAP and learn your rights. Find out what you can do to protect yourself. If your wife is adamant about continuing the relationship with her half-uncle, you will likely need to take steps to file for divorce to show her you won't allow her to continue walking all over you.

2. Tell those who you think could be helpful. Let them know that she has sidelined your marriage for her relationship with her half-uncle and has been pursuing him all day/night for months now.

3. Given your wife's childhood abuse, you may not really know how the dynamics of your in-laws works. Your mother-in-law (MIL) may know the extent of what is happening and even allowing her house to be used as a cover for what is going on. Don't be surprised if your in-laws end up aligning with whatever lies your wife tells, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't give them a chance to show they are honorable. Tell your MIL that you've had enough of her daughter's affair and that you've told her not to come home.

while I know she isn't "Cheating"

1) An emotional affair is cheating. Believe it or not, there are many people who feel more pain and betrayal from an emotional affair than they do from their spouse having random strings-free sex with a stranger.

2) There is a very good chance that they are having sex. Every single sign is there. The only possible reason that they wouldn't be having sex is that they are related, but that is absolutely not a guarantee that they aren't sleeping together-- particularly since they didn't form any bonds growing up together and only found each other as adults. I will refrain from going into any details because incest is a severe trigger for some people who have been abused as children, but if you're curious, an hour with google will give you a good idea of how common sexual relations between cousins, uncles, etc., are.

She's asked for NC with YOU while she pursues this inappropriate relationship? She must think she's a special snowflake to be able to shit on you, bring home her affair partner (EA or PA, it is an A) and then you should just suck it up?? Wow.

I suggest you break the NC with something like this:

Dear WW,

You are having a textbook emotional affair, if not more, and however close you've become with your uncle it is a betrayal I will no longer put up with.

Here's what I've seen:

Shortly after reconnecting with your uncle you would wake up in the middle of the night to Skype with him for hours every night, and he would stay up all night where he was to skype during daylight in our time zone. You started to change the passwords to all your devices, use snapchat more, and were always hiding your phone screen away from me. This is not healthy or normal.

After I got the phone bill I discovered you were lying to me when you said that you only talked to him for a few minutes once every few days. Since he came back stateside you two have been texting thousands of messages, and hours of phone calls at all hours of the day and night.

When I asked you, you would tell me he was your best friend and you accused me of not trusting you and being jealous. And honestly, yes, I believe it’s completely reasonable that I am jealous that you are spending more time talking to him than me. If you wanted to work on our marital issues, you’d be talking more to me, or we’d be going to a marriage counselor, not bringing another person into our marriage. And that is what you have done. Interestingly, when you two were unable to text so much, our relationship improved. That is very, very telling.

You try to make me feel crazy for feeling this way, but that’s just a lame attempt to manipulate me into shutting up. I am not crazy and I will not shut up about this. I have decided that I cannot be in this marriage as long as there are 3 people in it. It’s inappropriate and I will not have it. If you want to maintain this “best friend” you will find yourself single and free to do whatever it is you like. That is my boundary based on my values system and you will not convince me otherwise.

Your uncle is not welcome in my home. If you care about this marriage what you will do today is drop everything and come home – alone. If you don’t, that will tell me all I need to know and I will end this charade that is our current marriage. If you do come home, there will be a lot of work to heal from this betrayal, so don't think you'll just walk back in here without earning back my trust after this betrayal. Do not underestimate how hurtful your actions and words have been to me. Think hard on that one.

Your request for no communication from me is blatantly ridiculous and unhealthy for any marriage. For a marriage on the rocks like ours it is the final nail in the coffin. This level of emotional attachment to another man outside of our marriage is unhealthy and will no longer be a part of my life. You get to decide if it will be a part of yours. Your choice. Decide today.

I may love you, but I will not put up with this a moment longer.

[This message edited by findingjoy at 2:12 PM, March 6th (Monday)]

I am also questioning the MIL's involvement. Sounds like a very sick family.

There is a saying around here that you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. If you don't figure out your boundaries, share them with her and enforce them, you are essentially telling her that there will be no consequences for an affair (EA or PA, whatever it is).

If you don't do that, this will continue. She will never have to take a good look at herself, work on your marriage, or become a safe partner. She has already crossed all sorts of boundaries here and is gaslighting you into believing it's an innocent, harmless friendship. Her accusations are manipulation and making you feel crazy (or calling you crazy) is emotional abuse.

Please don't let it continue.

She might be wanting NC (no contact) with you so she can pursue this A without your intrusions making her feel guilty. If so - intrude. Today. Or she's on the fence with an exit affair. If so - push her off that fence and wake her up. This isn't a small matter to trifle with.

I'm so, so sorry you are here. I'm glad you found us.

[This message edited by findingjoy at 2:19 PM, March 6th (Monday)]

Crushed7 nailed it. She is waist deep in an E.A with this half uncle. As much as I don't want to say it, with the amount of time they are spending together away for you the physical part of the affair may have started too.

Trust your gut. You know your wife and how she normally acts. Don't let her convince you you're being paranoid, you're not. You recognize the HUGE red flags that have been popping up.

Cheaters are master manipulators as they know us well enough to know the chinks in our defenses to set us into a self doubt spiral to keep the attention off what they are doing.

As others stated, if she shows up with him, tell them in no uncertain terms he is not welcome there. Tell her flat out him or me. Just be aware that an ultimatum may have her choose the fantasy she's in over the reality of good life with you.

You will have to decide what you can and cant move forward from knowing what you do. Complete n.c on her part with him will be the only way she can prove she wants you over him.

Actions speak louder than words. Often waywards will tell you just what you need to hear to keep you playing along with their fantasy world. Saying one thing while doing another is the surest sign their is no remorse on her part, and therefore can be no reconciliation. Still keeping contact while saying they are not is a huge one in this regards.

Honestly confronting them and blowing this e.a apart is the only chance of saving your marriage. The pick me dance doesn't work as many here have tried that and been the nice guy trying to help a wayward choose you over the affair.

You have to be willing to lose it in order to save it in this case, your marriage that is.

Hello WLU, Welcome to SI.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Regardless of other posters' opinions,.......

From what you have described - your wife is indeed involved in an emotional affair.

The definition of this would be whereby she is focusing on another person emotionally, keeping secrets, nor being open and honest with you (her partner) about their communication.

This emotional "connection" could be as a result of the dazzle factor..... she is blind-sided by this attractive addition to her family (sounds like MIL is too),

or it really could be a sexal attraction.

This will be difficult for both of you to addres.

She may not even be fully cogniscant of her feelings.

Google Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA), a title beginning to be used by experts to describe the feelings of sexual desire and love that can be experienced when separated birth relatives finally meet.

Yes - she may be cheating - but this is a powerful (AND PSYCHOLOGICALLY) recognised phenomena.

Keep reading, keep posting.

hugs - this must feel awful,

MOB

[This message edited by wifeloveuncle at 11:27 AM, March 8th (Wednesday)]

She is behaving like a woman having an affair. Lying,hiding, changing passwords, needing a break from being married.

Coincidentally,she is visiting her mother...at the same time he is there.

Is your MIL up with them until 4:00a.m., hanging out with them on the couch?

Being married,with kids, and being a nice guy doesn't mean he's not having an affair.

Getting up in the middle of the night..communicating all night...with someone who isn't your spouse is a huge red flag.

You trust your wife? But admit she's lied to you,and she's hidden things from you.

I'm sorry. Many of us were where you are,before dday. We trusted our spouse. Many trusted their spouse's good friend, or their good friend, or family member...only to find out they were having an affair with them.

When she gets home,get her phone. Run a text retrieval program on it. If it's all innocent, then great. But prepare yourself.

Here the thing...it is not being controlling to expect your spouse to be transparent with you. However, it sounds like she's used that as an excuse in the past to manipulate you into back down.

Your username is pretty indicative of what's going on. Denial isn't your friend.

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:03 PM, March 6th (Monday)]

I am 100% confident that she is not having a sexual relationship with her uncle (I know my wife wouldn't have a physical affair, we've been married 5 years, her uncle is married and has two kids and my MIL has told me they are not having a sexual relationship. She's always with him and at least one of her sisters, they aren't alone and even if they were I trust her

If I had a dollar for every BS that echoed those same words I could retire like now. And even if she has not had sex with her "half uncle" things are heading that way just by her actions.

Nobody is with somebody all the time, cheaters and WS's put a lot of effort into deceiving their SO and others with no one the wiser until it blows up in everyone's face. Every A ends up hurting someone be it an EA or a PA.

Sending strength my man

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 5:05 PM, March 6th (Monday)]

She's always with him and at least one of her sisters, they aren't alone and even if they were I trust her.

She told you this person is her "best friend" -- that is HUGE trouble.

I trusted my wife completely.

Her co-worker best friend and friend of my family turned out to be willing to cheat on his wife with mine.

Everything you described is that of an emotional affair at the minimum with the odds of it being far worse than you can imagine.

I would love to be wrong. The one time I was wrong, it was that my wife did what no one in my family ever thought possible...

Gently here.... That may not be your story, and I super hope it isn't....but anyone texting anyone 100s or 1000s of messages, is not the most Kosher thing. People don't do things if there is not a payoff.

I don't know if your wife is being physical or not - but my husband is a nice guy - he got along quite nicely with OW's husband - and he was married with three kids. My upstanding, faithful husband of 20 years - who would never have an affair - did just that. He had no difficulty looking OW's husband in the eye - drinking with him every night until he went to bed and then doing everything he could to romance the guy's wife into bed... now my H wasn't successful - OW wasn't into him that way although there are many who would say I'm being delusional to think it wasn't physical...but I don't care - he wanted to and he would have if OW was willing - she just wanted my H to leave me so she could have her "best friend" all to herself - on the side of course...

Why not put a VAR in the room where she skypes him? It seems preposterous that she's having sex with her uncle - but they never had a paternal relationship - it's similar to having an affair with an in law - they're family but you weren't raised thinking of them as family...btw - we have quite a few members whose spouses had affairs with their cousin - so it's not as outrageous to suspect it as you think....

I'm sure you feel like you're being hit by 2x4's all over the place here, but there are so many red flags. So, so many. Others have mentioned some.

...and my MIL has told me they are not having a sexual relationship.

...ummmm how did this even come up between you and your MIL if there weren't concerns about it being sexual? I'm sure you didn't ask since you're convinced it's not. If she brought it up, why, unless there's actually fishy stuff happening and she doesn't want you to know. Seems really, really weird to me.

And the lying and thousands of messages... Middle of the night stuff... I don't think anyone does this with a platonic best friend.

As far as approaching your wife with this - it's really no different than golf widows..(if the relationship is truly platonic) ...I have friends who had to say to their spouse - you're never home, always golfing (or hockey or biking or drinking at the bar - or spending too much time with an uncle) and I'm not satisfied being alone in this marriage.

You could say to her, "I don't have any control over your choices but I sure as hell control my choices and I choose to not live my life in an unhappy, lonely marriage. So I accept your decision to put all your energy into your uncle but I'm proceeding to detach from you..." (then you start IC or see an attorney, or implement the 180 --> see the healing library).

Bottom line is you can't make her work on the marriage. She has to want to save it - and if you allow her to disregard it without repercussions - then why make the effort?

She is visiting her family with the intention of getting a break from being a wife and mother, being able to relax and have fun and decide if she wants to continue in our marriage or not. We aren't "On a break", she's just taking time to herself. A marriage sabbatical if you will.

That comment really struck me the first time I read it and I keep coming back to it. So, the marital problems started up when she found her uncle. On top of that, she makes you feel crazy for questioning this relationship. Then in fairly short order, she's off deciding if she wants to stay married to you, perhaps because she feels you have a history of being controlling.

I think she's backed you into a corner where you're not allowed to question her (because you're controlling and perhaps a little crazy) and now you're not even allowed to speak to her this week. Since she's deciding on the fate of the marriage (all by herself, without any input from you), she's hoping you'll really back down, because, look at what's at stake, right? If you push her, she might just divorce you, is that the sense you're getting?

Pretty manipulative.

Don't give in to her manipulations. You get a say in the outcome of this marriage, too. And remember, right now there's 3 people in it.

Add the above to the lying and all the other stuff and you really do have a situation on your hands.

wifeloveuncle

You have a serious wandering wife - mentally is an absolute

Physically - 90% plus

Her boundaries are pretty much non-existent.

If I had a dollar for every time I read:

I know she isn't "Cheating"

. . .

well, she is - maybe not yet physically but it's headed that way.

Read the stories on this site and listen to what people are posting already - you should have a major alarm going off in your head!