SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is withholding sex during the A a common thing for wayward to do?

I ask because I started to think WH didn't want me because many nights he would not want sex. He wouldn't want to kiss me or touch me. Turns out he had fucked his ow that day and just couldn't bring himself to do it with me, a guilt thing so he says.

After day and the many others again he wasn't all for sex I think because I was so enraged and angry that to even hug me would have lead to me getting more angry.

My Wife withheld sex from me during her A and blamed it on menopause. So, personally, I dont give a fuck if she has a good reason now or not.

Putting it bluntly, but getting to the point. What I don't think some posters here realize is that this is a pattern in our marriages. My W, before and during the A, had every excuse in the book why her sex drive was low. Hormones, her period, headache, work, pets, kids, family... And on and on and on. There was always a reason. A reason we couldn't have "fun sex". A reason the "good stuff" was off the table.

I could go on (people who follow my posts are shaking their heads; they know I could and are thankful I'm not!).

And, for most of our marriage, those reasons "made sense" to me. I hated it, it killed me inside, but I could "see her point", I had a lot of things to do too, I just prioritized sex more than her. OK, fair enough, we compromise and move on.

Except that nasty little A happened. And now, she has all the things I listed above (and 100 more) AND she's f**king 2 guys and trying to juggle us both. Well, low and behold, she found time to sleep with OM half a dozen times every f**king time she saw him. With all those "stressors" that kept us from having sex more than once a week AND the stress of an A. And the headaches, and her period and... On and on.

So now? I hate to say it, but I agree with the OP, IDGAF; all the "make believe" reasons she threw out in the past are done/gone/over with. Because she showed how easy it was to make room in her stressed/crazy/low sex drive days to find time for hours of sexual olympics, just not with me.

Yes, there are reasons and excuses that make sense and I accept. But the old ones, those ar dead. Your not low drive, your low "give a f**k" about me and my needs and high as hell "give a f**k" about the AP's. That's not gonna fly, not at d-day, not today, and never again so long as we stay married. And, if we do D, and I get into another relationship, it'll never fly again with any other woman. That ship has sailed.

Is withholding sex during the A a common thing for wayward to do?

Was for my W's A. But, honestly, it's not even withholding during the A that really triggers me anymore, it's the decades we spent together where here "low drive" was in the way of us having an awesome sexual relationship. All that time, thrown away, never to come back. All the nights I spent wondering if her "low drive" was really a symptom of her lack of attraction to me (hint: yes, it was). All the concessions I made, all the mental gymnastics I went through to make myself believe it wasn't a problem.

That's what tears me up, not that we didn't have much sex during the A, I'm actually kind of happy about that because.. Yuk. But the years of time we both wasted; the best years of our sexual lives, down the toilet.. For what? Just breaks my heart.

^ Those last two posts of yours, Rideitout, where you're describing your own situation and getting to the heart of your pain - I feel you. I can see why this is such a triggery topic for you. Pardon if you've already answered this, but have you and your W ever gone to MC? Do you feel she hears you, your concerns and feelings - or is she dismissive and invalidating? Has sex improved for you guys?

When you're making posts about your personal situation, and not making generalizations about women and their sexualities, I can relate to you a lot more. Please keep sharing what's going on in your life... What do you need? What would help you heal?

"So are you guys saying that a WW may never deny you sex or sexual stuff ever? If a WW is remorseful, does the work yet finds that now and then she doesn't want sex, do you still co Sider that a blow to your manhood and rejection? "

They never turned down the OM.

That said, after D day and through recovery the

WW motto should be: fake till we make it. As in

she never turned down her OM she should never turn

down her BH.

Can a WW get that sick that she cannot

have sex?

Yes. That is out of her control.

Not feeling it, not being in the mood, pissed

off at her BH, she can control herself to suck

it up for the team and do her BH.

As healing happens and do to age the WW and BH

will slow down in the sex dept. That is a natural

occurrence. But a totally separate issue from a

WW denying her BH what she gave her OM.

What the WW did with the OM was a natural

occurrence. It is natural for the BH to want his

WW to give it to him.

[This message edited by oldtruck at 5:07 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]

Yes definitely easier to understand when put in terms of MY situation instead of BH vs WW.

How long does a ww have to suck it up for the team and fake til we make it? How.long before you heal? And do you think her faking it til you make it is truely healing from infidelity? Is a new stronger marriage made while she's doing it out of obligation? Do you really want a marriage based on obligation instead of true love and passion?

How long does a ww have to suck it up for the team and fake til we make it?

Until they make it.

How.long before you heal? And do you think her faking it til you make it is truely healing from infidelity?

This isn't about healing as much as it is about building a new relationship. The easiest way to heal is to pull the plug. The impossible way for me to heal is to accept my W gave away the "good stuff" to the OM and doesn't want to experience it with me. This is the only option that can possibly lead to a renewed marriage for me.

Is a new stronger marriage made while she's doing it out of obligation? Do you really want a marriage based on obligation instead of true love and passion?

No and no. If she doesn't want to do it with me, but did the OM, she only needs to say that and we can part ways. Because I don't want a marriage built on obligation, and I doubt many of the other men here do either. If there's no passion, no desire to do these things with me, then let's call it quits and move on. I'll heal faster, I'll find someone new and so will she who we both want to do these things with. It's a prerequisite to R for me, but R is not a foregone conclusion, if she doesn't want to R, that's OK, it's sad, but OK; just don't waste my/her time "trying to R" while holding back intimacy. Because I only have so much time left, and I'd prefer to spend it with someone who actually wants to be sexual with me.

How long to suck it up?

Recovery is a two to five year process.

The point of recovery is not to avoid a divorce.

The point is to make the marriage better then before

the affair, including the sex. At that point they

should both be wanting it and doing it without

sucking it up.

Demand what the OM got seems to be a problem for

some here.

Why should the BH not want what the OM got?

Why should the BH not expect to get what the OM

got?

All the reasons the WW told her BH showed that she

was just making things up so to sound reasonable

telling her BH no in the past.

WW's affair showed that she can in fact do those

things. That her excuses where really lies.

I cannot see how a BH is being unreasonable when

he tells his WW that she has to give him what

she gave the OM. Evidence has shown that she can.

When a WW refuses to give her BH what she gave her

OM she is declaring that when it comes to sex her

BH is the beta to her OM's alpha.

But isn't "faking it until we make it" the same as doing it out of obligation thus it's better to part ways because she's only doing it because she feels she has to not because she wants to.

Again I think it's vital that a wayward explore their issues in IC, a BS works through their issues in IC and then the couple work together in MC to bridge the gaps in wants and needs.

(I'm going to apologize now for any mistakes I post spelling etc. The keyboard keeps disappearing then comes back. Then I go to hot submit and thr submit button is gone...Lol. I think I need to reboot my phone.)

Rideitout, I think your posts are spot on and so true for how I feel regarding this subject. I also like Devestated Dee, GoldenR, and Western’s post.

I don’t understand the WS not having passion for the BS. I know that if I were a WS that had a low libido, I would be running to the doctor, researching what to do, and then do anything I could to fix it. I would want my BS happy and satisfied sexually.

I think a lot of WSs are lazy by nature and are pretty happy not doing anything that might take a little work. JMO though. Just another way of letting the BS know that you are not worth the effort and you are not sexually desireable. They can’t bother themselves to muster the passion and imagination they had going for the AP in order to have great sex for you.

This may not be how others feel, but this is certainly how I feel

But isn't "faking it until we make it" the same as doing it out of obligation thus it's better to part ways because she's only doing it because she feels she has to not because she wants to.

If this is true, and I think you may be right, then the WS needs to fake it well. Listen, admit it or not, come d-day, a lot of our WS's don't love us. The idea of sex with us is like "cheating" on the OM/OW, they don't want to even touch us, let along give us some great sex. But they better not say that crap, because, if they do, they are going to the curb, quickly and with much prejudice. The whole thing is "fake it" from d-day onward until the WS removes head of a** and realizes what they did. And that can take a long time, we all know that, sometimes too long, sometimes quickly, but it's almost never "at d-day".

But, "I don't find you attractive and would rather be with the OM/OW" when the BS feels safe enough to come to the WS for sex again; that IS NOT gonna go over well. Even if it's true (and I know it is, at least in some cases). Get over it, do it, and try to help your spouse heal. And it's not just sex; your BS could come to you and ask for a fancy dinner and the first thought might be "God, I wish my AP was going and not my BW". Too f-ing bad, fake it, because you made this bed of s**t, your feelings, sorry to say, are sick, twisted, and don't matter as much as your BS's feelings (which are real, far more intense, and caused by your f**ked up actions).

This is where the WS eats their s**t sandwich. I'm sorry it could result in some poor wayward doing things they really don't feel like, but, that's just what it is to heal from infidelity. And any wayward brave enough to come here and say "I didn't feel like taking my W out to a fancy dinner like I did my AP" is going to get eviscerated, rightly so, because your feelings don't matter right now. They are a fraction of what your BS is feeling, pain that YOU caused. It's like a drunk driver running someone and then, in the ambulance, complaining about a hangover. Yeah, the hangover is real, and, your pain is real, but it's just not relevant compared to the pain you caused by your poor choices.

DH This is a matter of the heart. There is no one-size fits all set time limit/ number of acts thing. Try not to think in absolute terms because it will be different for each relationship dynamic.

It's a matter of how the BS (BH in this case) feels he is being cared for and respected. You need that to begin to rebuild. What that entails is variable.

What the men on this thread have attempted to communicate is just how very much the sex means emotionally. It's not so much about ego as it is about how you are valued relative to the OM. Obviously there's a great deal of anger and insecurity post-A. Each BS gets to decide when they feel loved, respected and secure in the relationship. A WS who wants to R needs to understand what their BS needs from them to get that back. And if it's unreasonable to them that's ok. Then part ways.

Question for the "fake it till you make it", "No denying BH what AP got" crowd:

My AP got 3 months of super enthusiastic sex because he would engage in kissing and give me oral sex before we were intimate every time (things that BH never placed value on), at what point have I given BH what AP got? Is it 3 after 3 months of daily sex ? Or is it the number of times we had sex? Or is it the number of times I'm equally turned on by the same behaviors? Do you see now that "fair" may NEVER be achieved by a BS that is more concerned with HIS sexual gratification? GOOD SEX IS NOT CURRENCY. It is not payment for bad behavior. It takes TWO parties trying to get their partner off. A BH that wants porn star sex but is a selfish lover may NEVER get what they think they want. A woman can put on high heels and read dirty stories and take meds that shorten her life, and none of that fixes a partner with a "me first!" attitude.

[This message edited by Poppy704 at 5:57 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]

Well Poppy you need to read my last post as well as the ones on communication with your partner.

None of this is fair.

Thank you antlered. Its in the wording. And the way you worded that makes complete sense.

I see A sex as completely different than wh sex with me. I don't want to do what they did together.

"

What the men on this thread have attempted to communicate is just how very much the sex means emotionally. It's not so much about ego as it is about how you are valued relative to the OM.

I don't see sex as a measure of how I am valued by my WH in comparison to ow. My value comes from within. I don't need him to validate that I have meaning. But I get that some men (not to generalize) do need validation in that way. I think for a man to heal then having a wife who wants to please him is of greater importance than demanding a specific act.

RO.. I agree completely that the Wayward should be doing everything to keep or make the passion happen. And I especially get the part about wasting the best(sex) years of our life. But it was me or you ... it was them... they are selfish and would rather not be bothered or at least it feels that way.

Granted now in my marriage even if I had a libido I cannot stand him touch me. I get physically sick. Maybe it’s my csa but there so much complexity in our lives that it’s hard to say okay.. let’s divorce.

I realized I gave him 3 opportunities and I’m not feeling the love 6 years later. Plus he said some very cruel things about my physical condition that I cannot get past.

So the bigger question is besides the sex .. are there other things that connects you both.

DD and Golden bring up good points.

Dragonheart I think you are too kind to kind. I think he should work for every last drop. I need full commitment which is why I’m with RO.. THEY need to work on it not us! THEY fucked it up and were having a party.

I don't see sex as a measure of how I am valued by my WH in comparison to ow. My value comes from within. I don't need him to validate that I have meaning. But I get that some men (not to generalize) do need validation in that way. I think for a man to heal then having a wife who wants to please him is of greater importance than demanding a specific act.

Yes many men see validation coming from their partners, and use sex as a yardstick. I was like that for many years. It took years to realize that I had my own worth, and DDay for me to fully understand that I deserved a partner that saw that value.. Hence instant D (plus she was and still is a selfish asshole, so there's that )

[This message edited by antlered at 6:18 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]

Dragonheart I think you are too kind to kind. I think he should work for every last drop.

I don't think I've been kind. I do think we have worked together to start building a new and stronger marriage and that's happens by communicating even if it's been painful. Its not easy. There's good days and bad. He got a new.phone. I've been on edge. I didn't have to say anything. He just looked at me and said go take a look, I've got nothing to hide. It means more to me that he offered the phone than it would to have to ask for it.