SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My DH and I are 2 1/2 years into recovery. He does all the stuff he's "supposed" to do to reconcile according to what he reads. We don't discuss his affair, haven't in a very long time, it's not because we don't need to, he just won't. But he makes all these promises that he will never hurt me again...blah blah blah. Today we were at Target and I caught him looking in the side view mirror at a much younger woman's butt. It's all that was visible where she was standing in too short shorts and obvious thong underwear. I watched him look not once but twice while he thought I was busy with our son. This was a past issue that he said he wouldn't do anymore. I find it so rude to look at other women especially when I'm sitting right there. I haven't even confronted him about it and don't plan to. What's the point? He will just lie to me anyway. And even if he did tell the truth what good does that do? He will just say sorry and make more empty pronisex not to do it again. I have 4 kids, I'm stuck in this relationship. I'm just being used and I know it. Had sex 3 times in less than 12 hours and it's appreciated so much that he looks at another woman. I give up. This life sucks.

Ugh, I hate this! My husband has done this a time or two. It never used to bother me before but now it cuts to the core. Soon after Dday, we were out and he was watching a woman. I sat there like a dumbass. I let him do this for a long moment then finally asked what was I supposed to do while he was staring, did he want me to leave? So he could go talk to her?

Of course he didn’t know what in the world I was talking about!? We were having such a nice time up until then and then I completely shut down. It’s humiliating. Then it was like I had ruined the night. These little things chip even further away at what remains.

[This message edited by Hg65 at 8:50 PM, June 29th (Friday)]

There's a reason so many ads targeted at men have half naked women on them, and it's not because the girl holding that beer she's advertising has anything to tell you about how hops are grown. For a lot of men, it's near involuntary to look. I used to have this problem, but then I basically went to "women don't exist" when I'm out in public. Won't look at them, and won't acknowledge they are there if I can avoid it. Problem is, if I look, and they are wearing something particularly revealing, my eye will be drawn there, and I don't like what that says about me as a person. So I don't acknowledge them at all.

Talk to your H about it. He will have to, as I did, work to actively ignore women. It's not easy, or at least it wasn't for me.

It's hard not to look. It is almost instinct, actually it probably is instinct. You can stop it though with effort.

ETA I think there is a certain level of respect that an adult male needs to have for his partner and not gawking at other women is a part of that. Rest assured that any heterosexual male notices, regardless of how gentlemanly they seem. How they react after noticing is kind of the question.

[This message edited by Lazarus at 4:56 AM, June 30th (Saturday)]

It's one thing to notice.

It's entirely another to linger.

I think men are hard-wired to notice, but it's a CHOICE to linger.

Been there. My wh says he doesn’t look. Says that his police training make him look at people, look at his surroundings. Probably true to a point

But, I have caught him enough times since dday, I know he is looking. Whether it’s intentional or even is conscious of doing it, he is doing it and it’s rude and dismissive of me.

I hate it. I don’t check out other guys. I’m thinking about starting to see how he likes it tbh. Maybe he will make more effort to not.

Before dday, I honestly don’t know if I noticed and didn’t care or just never noticed. I was never a jealous person and even asked him if he thought other women were attractive sometimes. Now I want to scratch his eyes out when he does it. It’s so rude. Our mc told him it’s rude and he still has done it. I have seen him purposely avoid looking at someone and that alerts me that he knows a good looking woman is coming.

I hate that he has made me this person.

Threads like this make me reluctant to get involved with a man again. Shit like this isn’t worth it. I’d rather be alone than go through this again.

Freetogonow: I really think if I ever end up divorced, I will never get involved in a serious relationship again. So depressing.

So disrespectful. Next time you catch him doing that right in front of you, try doing something like pulling his ear, pinching his stomach, stepping on his foot. That's what I do to my dog to redirect his attention, and hey, if he wants to act like a dog... Or just get rid of him and get a dog.

I have dated men who would NEVER have been caught obviously looking at other women while we were out. They do exist. Yeah, we all notice people. I can't say that I don't notice attractive men because I most definitely do. I would have considered it the height of rudeness to be obvious about noticing one while I was with a partner. It's just plain rude behavior and it doesn't fly at all after infidelity.

Free to go... yep me too!

I'm grossed out more by the fact that this dog in heat had to have sex 3 times in a 12 hour period. What the hell is wrong with this guy?

I'm really sorry you're stuck with this troglodyte.

Maybe you should look into getting an online college degree so you can get a job and support yourself and your kids. It's wonderful to have options and every woman should have them.

Why deny it, that’s my question. I mean what the he’ll is the big fear of saying to your spouse, yep I stare at attractive people. Then let the spouse make a choice. Dealing with something like this currently. I wanna say, stop being a fucking coward. Just admit it. A WS lies to themself first.

If he refuses to talk about the affair he is absolutely not doing all the stuff he is supposed to. He is rugsweeping and continuing to be disrespectful to you. Don't put up with it, call him on his bullshit in the moment.

I'm in agreement with other posters -- the first glance/notice isn't avoidable, but lingering or going back for seconds is. It is absolutely a form of disrespect, a lack of love and an indication of self-centeredness, so you should be angry.

I'm stuck in this relationship. I'm just being used and I know it.

Your husband obviously hasn't done the work to change, remains an unsafe partner, continues to be self-centered/controlling/manipulative, uses you and, as a result, is abusing you.

Staying put will slowly suck the life out of you as the abuse takes its toll. It will also model to your kids that it is ok to accept being treated this way. It isn't worth it. However, I know that it isn't easy to just call it quits, especially with kids, financial entanglements, etc. and that some circumstances make it nearly impossible. *Nearly*. Go make a plan. It may be a one or two year plan, but figure out a strategy. Maybe that is just learning about your options to see that you really aren't trapped. Or, perhaps, taking a hard stance with your husband about his lack of effort and expectations that you'll just go along with it. Or, maybe, you'll need to take action because you are trained and you'll need to start hiding some money away, finding a job, advancing your education, etc. Whatever the best move is for your situation, go start working on what will help you avoid the ongoing disrespect and abuse.

BS here. I totally look, but just a glance. I might even glance again. I feel like we are all hardwired to notice attractive people. I don't mind if WH glances, even twice, but any long looks are insulting.

My WH did this....and it became worse over time, became worse with age, became worse after DDay…

I believe it is their instinct...as mentioned earlier, noticing is fine....gawking is entirely different...It became down right rude...especially after DDay...and he had no intention of stopping...no concern for the triggers, or disrespect....it never stopped...Once he stared at an OW/ look a like, for 20 min...in front of our son, at his going off to college- last dinner....a real family man.

Disrespect also grew in other areas...moral of the story: he was not R material....HE is showing you who he is....it might seem less then an A, but its the same disrespect continuing. This is not a gentleman, and he is not working to make you safe.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 3:13 PM, June 30th (Saturday)]

I know he isn't doing everything he could or should to repair our relationship, I was being sarcastic in the first post. According to him though, he is. He checks in with me constantly while he's at work, will hand over his phone anytime I ask for it (I don't anymore), went to two different marriage counselors and is willing to see more (I'm not). He doesn't go anywhere without telling me where he's going. He helps with the kids more now than he ever did before DD. He spends time with us, rarely did before. He gives me compliments. Helps cook meals. Genuinely seems like he wants to spend time with me and the kids. He does so many things right but none of it matters when what I need most continues to go unmet. I need to discuss his affair and I need for him to ask if I'm okay and really let me talk and tell him how I feel. He lets me talk, he's just not listening, he is always in defense mode or says he feels the same way I do or worse then I feel guilty for being depressed and hurt. He makes all these promises to never be that person again but yet he can look at other women right in front of me. It feels like such a slap in the face and does nothing for building his credibility. And I can't accept that it's just something all men do. Have some respect for the person you claim to love. I don't look at other guys and I'm 100 percent sure that if I did, he'd have an issue with it. I have considered leaving but I don't think it would be better for our kids. I have an income but I can't provide the life they are use to on my own. I have no where to go. I have no family that could take me and 4 kids in even temporarily. And honestly I ask myself what will make me happy, staying or leaving? I can't see being happy either way. I'm not going to be happy because I'm not getting the closure I need from DH. I can't move forward. I still haven't confronted him about looking at another woman on Friday. I know what I saw and I know he will lie and manipulate the situation and make me feel stupid and guilty. Emotionally I just can't deal with the manipulation. After DD I was coping with everything by self harming. I went to the doctor and got help for that. It's been several months since I have injured myself and I just don't want to go back there. So I bottle everything up so I don't feel anything at all. He knows something has been bothering me and he did ask me to tell him but I refused. He should know what it was that he did and instead of waiting for me to confront him he should own his mistake and just be honest with me and apologize for it. The fact that he isn't proves to me that he really hasn't changed and that's what's so upsetting. It makes me question every good thing he does. It's what makes me feel used. I came here to post about this because I have no one else to talk to and I don't want to feel this alone. The only two people I have to talk to who know about my husband cheating aren't good people to talk to. One of them has been cheated on by her husband too many times to count and the other one has cheated on her husband more than once.

I wanted to record him at a perfect distance where you got a good view of him locked in, staring at her. And for how long. I also wanted to them tape our family members or neighboring tables disgusted watching him watch her. Then play it on tv for him. Do they have any idea?

Not only did I feel hurt and disgusted but to see everyone else’s reaction was even more humiliating. Strangers gave me the pity look. It wasn’t a glance at all. He gawked

If I had done this, he probably would only laugh. He’s not capable.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 11:07 PM, June 30th (Saturday)]

I love this!

So disrespectful. Next time you catch him doing that right in front of you, try doing something like pulling his ear, pinching his stomach, stepping on his foot.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:56 AM, July 1st (Sunday)]