SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Vent away Txquail!

You, as well as everyone, are allowed to feel whatever emotion you need to feel.

I will not judge.

^^^^ditto^^^^

Txquail, I'm saddened by the responses you've received. It's obvious you're in pain and there is nothing helpful or supportive in responses that are just critiquing you about what you said, or that you didn't literally label it a "VENTING" post, or whether you were "generalizing".

As a BS I have felt everything you said. I thought it was a great vent (and it was clear to me that's what it was). I think every BS could use one every once in a while.

(((Txquail)))

It was clearly a vent, surprised that a WS came in anyway when he was clearly told to stay away. This whole put "Vent" and the "generalising" statement make little sense to me. He's in pain because of betrayal. He's entitled to feel and process and spew whatever dribble he wants.

Just wanted to show you some support and say that I as a BS, understand your thought of tired of cheaters. Every once in a while I will see a title and find myself exploring a post in the wayward side that makes me feel.... well disgusted would be a good word.

Especially when it’s a I don’t want my spouse to know that I cheated. What about me, me,me? It’s tough to read. It hits in the heart. The pain that the BS has coming is so real to us because we lived it.

For myself, I know the best choice for me is that I need to stay away from those posts. It’s best to let waywards who have experience to help lead them in the right direction.

I respect your feelings and thoughts on this subject.

Gently, while I agree with many stemwnta you’ve made regarding cheaters. I would think the bigger concern is expressing, facing and dealing with your hurt and anger than stop signing a WS.

Our WS have done a horrific thing, but by imposing sanctions on a wW are we really trying to gain control in a situation where we lost our right to chose and control to begin with? Again gently, early on I abhorred any post from a WS I too generalized.

However as time has passed I have seen much value in WS posts and appreciate the vulnerability they display in giving us insight and guidance into their mindset. These posts have also helped me understand that people can change, we are human not machines. I don’t want to be judged forever on my poor choices from my past, nor should some of the WS.

At the end of they day, we need to do what is beat for us and forget the rest. If your view is to ostracize and impose sanctions on a WS, then so be it. Your absolutely untitled to that feeling and view point. But I ask gently, what will that gain? You’ve been given a shot sandwich, take the choice to either puke it up and live life for the fullest or swallow it down and continue focusing on why a WS shouldn’t be allowed to post.

My heart goes out to you, we have all been there...

I just got sick in tired of this form sheltering cheaters. People come on here and try to give them all the support saying how they did was just something that me swept under the rug. Know what cheaters do is inexcusably wrong. A cheater is forever always a cheater. Just like when someone becomes an alcoholic is always an alcoholic and never can turn it back a cheater is the same way

Well last things I hate to see is a cheater trying to give a betrayed spouse advice on how to handle it. They have no freaking clue on how they handle it because they have no boundaries themselves that's why they cheated.

Add you can tell by many of the responses a lot of people support cheaters.

[This message edited by Txquail at 7:06 AM, July 13th (Friday)]

Great vent, tx!

Txquail, I'm saddened by the responses you've received. It's obvious you're in pain and there is nothing helpful or supportive in responses that are just critiquing you about what you said, or that you didn't literally label it a "VENTING" post, or whether you were "generalizing".

Agreed. Again, great vent...venting is cathartic and you clearly needed to get that out of your system. You were heard.

Its easy, don't date other people while you are married. Stop having "just friends". Talk to your spouse when you have issues not the home wrecker on social media or work. If you get asked out say no I'm married.

OMG, HELL YES! I've managed to do this since I got married in 19fucking83...and I have some serious FOO issues, anxiety...I'm the "poster child" of potentially being a WS...no sir, not me, NEVER.

I will gently suggest to you that you not read in Wayward - I very rarely go there because there are times that I have read posts and it can ruin my whole damn day.

I am a BS. I have been dealing with a cheating spouse for far too long. I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Only BS can fully understand what you have been through. The way they have knowingly ripped out your heart and destroyed any trust you had. i hate everything about it and find it hard to even understand.

However, that being said, for me i at times find it helpful to get the insight of FWS in a constuctive way. To possibly understand where Wh head was. Everyone has a different story as to why and what. Maybe its just my curious nature. It makes me sick to see the number of people that are going through this.

I wonder, if someone wanted to be better person and not make the same mistakes they did before, where should they go for help. I say this only because if my WH wanted to try more and was seeking advice to help our marriage, i would want him to be able to.

Now again in saying that we should all be allowed to post without having criticisms on how we are feeling or venting at the time. Big Hugs to you Txquail! you are not alone in feeling hurt, destroyed and betrayed.

Cheaters probably number about 20% of the population. We as a society have the right to protect ourselves from our harmful elements. We label felons, sex offenders et al in order to protect the population. What I have learned over a very long period of therapy is that I do not have the ability to deduce a cheater's character. If I were ever to return to the dating world, I would NEVER under any circumstances choose to date a cheater or "former cheater". My question then is: What can WS do to help BS avoid all waywards? That would be truly helpful and demonstrate remorse.

[This message edited by JungAdmirer at 2:24 PM, July 13th (Friday)]

Txquail,

-You have a pm-

Really, I vent about me and now the moderators are warning me as about being too hard on Cheaters????????

Im beginning to believe this forum is becoming a support group for cheaters.

Telling me to find another forum because it may hurt another cheater? I vented on how my ex wife and how she thought boundaies were bad... If thats what you want fine Ill leave.

The site is about guiding people out of infidelity. This includes trying to help betrayed spouses—which is why JFO is off limits to waywards. This includes helping reform wayward spouses. That’s why the Wayward subforum allows protected stop sign threads. There is intended parallelism because the sute was created by a betrayed spouse and a formerly wayward spouse.

I’m so sorry you are in such pain. The wayward forum can be difficult to read sometimes so on those days, I just don’t.

This site is a place of support for everyone dealing with infidelity though, which includes wayward partners who are trying to get out of infidelity, save their marriages, own their choices, and move forward in a healthy way. It’s a process and not always easy to read. There are times when I read about a wayward’s method of healing their marriage and I want to scream through my screen “you’re still making destructive choices! STOP!”, but ultimately I remind myself it’s a process and they will either figure it out or they won’t. I try every day to give them credit for being here. For trying. For taking a lot of what sometimes is flat out, uncut, full-strength, direct-hit abuse from betrayeds who are not their spouse, don’t really know their personal details, and are assigning or projecting hurt onto virtual strangers in attempt to get some relief from their own pain.

I spent a lot of time and energy focused on my unbridled hatred and unadulterated rage at the OW in my case because my subconscious just wouldn’t allow me to hate my husband with that level of intensity when he truly deserved more of my ire than she did. This site and the way it is structured allows us to learn a great deal from each other if we approach it with some awareness of with whom we are really angry and at whom we are lashing out. I try to look at it this way: reading here has helped me tremendously and there is an implied social contract that encourages me to help and offer what I can wherever I can. It’s hard some days, but I try to remember the waywards here aren’t my wayward and the fact that they are here at all is a solid commentary on how much more committed they are to fixing things for themselves and their partners than the millions of humans who never bother to look for a resource like SI and stick with it.

I understand your pain and anger. I also understand how furious you are and I was because my husband, without a thought for me, blew up my friggin life without my permission. It takes a long time. I’m on DDay Anniversary 2 this month and some days I still want them both to be attacked by a rabid bear wielding a tetanus-infected rusty machete.

Fuck this shit...

Txquail,

I am right there with you. I am sick and tired of cheaters. Those that have healed and moved on taken your cheater back YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TELL SOMEONE WHO IS HURTING TO “FIND ANOTHER FORUM”. What type of fuckery is this? So now cheaters all of a sudden “reformed” and can’t be touched? Seriously?

My friend is getting buried today along with TWO of her children BECAUSE OF A CHEATER. 2 CHILDREN are gone because of the choice her POS WH husband made for them! I had to look at them on Thursday. See and feel their cold faces! He sat there, without a care in the world, the fucking piece of shit murderer and his WHORE. They took the lives of 3 innocents. That is what cheaters do. They don’t give a fuck. Maybe when they are caught you might get an “I’m sorry”. What the fuck do the dead do with “IM SORRY”???? Will it bring them back???... shit, I’ll wait...

I cannot believe this. People are actually siting in their holier than thou chairs right now making fucking excuses for THIS SICKNESS. Wonderful that a cheater helped you see your marriage differently, they are still a cheater. Putting “former” at the beginning of it does not make it less so.

I think it’s disgusting that after someone who is clearly venting and asks for no waywards to post that a wayward jumps on and posts. Who does that? Regardless of whether said wayward did or didn’t say anything right or wrong is immaterial imho

There are a lot of waywards here that are reformed. They are extremely helpful to all of us. There are also a lot of waywards that are still extremely selfish and emotionally immature.

Yes, stay out of wayward is good advise.

I often can’t read there because the waywards that are clearly not getting it and are still selfish, trigger me sometimes.

However, regarding this thread, wtf. I find it horrible that the responses are more about protecting the waywarda here instead of helping someone in pain. When did that happen?

I agree with the majority of what op said about cheaters. I do believe cheaters can be reformed and I believe we have seen many here. BUT a lot is true. I definitely agree that cheating is not exactly difficult to avoid.

Op needs our support, not bashing. Shame on those bashing.

I am four years out and I remember how I felt earlier on. I still feel it often. I vented without specifying it was a vent. No waywards came on my thread and I received loads of support. Not bashing.

Since when did supporting wayward become MORE important than supporting a betrayed in pain? That’s what I read in this thread and it disgusts me. Waywards brought everything on themselves. Betrayeds are blind sided and it affects ya in ways we didn’t even know was possible. Where is the compassion for a fellow betrayed?

[This message edited by deephurt at 1:59 PM, July 14th (Saturday)]

I agree deephurt.

While I don't agree with everything said...I certainly empathize.

I don't need to kick someone while they are in pain....or beat them with "rules"

Just like "take what u need and leave the rest"... I will also offer

"You don't need to show up to every arguement your invited too"

This is OUR safe place...yes, that means WS, too. Without BOTH the original BS and the WS, this site wouldn't exist. I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL FOR THEM BOTH that it does.

We would be cutting off our nose, despite our face, if we were to "ban" WS. The founders were on point when they said, "...take what you need (want), leave the rest."

This deep, physical, psychological pain is at times unbearable. IMHO, the fuel to the fire was that NO WS were asked to REPLY or post. WS's, whether it was done with a stop sign or "correctly," it was ASKED that no WS respond. Period. You get to eat this part of infidelities shit sandwich.

When you are a BS, and obviously in this much pain, this is seen as yet another boundry ignored and crossed. "Power or Control" is yet again taken from a BS.

BTW: Know that I don't judge...the last perfect human that walked this earth, WE nailed to a cross.

This whole thread makes me want to punch a fucking wall. And I haven't felt that way in a long long time. Jesus Christ, when a BS is venting and in pain, even if they didn't write "vent" for a few posts, we ALL know what a vent looks like. If you are wayward, stay the F***out of the thread, especially if you're going to come in and "correct" said BS. Come on already.

Soulcrushed16, your story continues to rip my heart out. I'm full of rage for your dear friend and her babies. I'd like to draw and quarter that OW, while sipping a martini and spitting vodka in her empty eye sockets. Oh wait, sorry..."VENT".

Txquail, preach! Huge hugs to you. Support from the "had enough cheater bullshit" BS camp.

Disclaimer:. Yes, I recognize there are some good FWS's here, and by God we NEED them. They help WS's with their heads up their asses. And personally, they have helped me heal, reading that waywards can get it. But damn me if an obscene number aren't still fucking clueless and self-centered. And the recent influx of second DDay posts in JFO, and thus new members in D/S...it's sickening. I'm "tired of cheaters" TOO.

May they "live long lives alone with their cowardice.". Better yet, alone with each other. Don't turn your back, lest you find a knife in it. "But, dream girl OW was the only one back there...how..."

I hear you! Cheaters think they are entitled.

Isn’t it great how the use anger to deflect a conversation.this must be in the cheaters handbook

I think it would be helpful if I clarified a few misconceptions in this thread.

First, the WS who replied to this thread did so BEFORE Txquail edited his opening post. The edit added clarity that this was a vent, but it was not stated as such when the member replied. That member, upon reading the edit immediately contacted staff for advice on what he should do with his post. AmIevil did nothing wrong and responded respectfully regarding the confusing situation.

Secondly, if a member wants the thread to be considered a vent, thus preventing WS’s to reply, then “vent” must be in the title. It is not fair to expect members to surmise whether a post is a vent and risk a violation if they’re wrong. Your interpretation might be different than another’s. It’s also not fair to bury the word vent in the body of the message. In a wall of text, it’s easy to miss a line.

Next, there are a number of problems with the vent itself. The majority of this vent is directed at two things. The site itself (and its procedures and guidelines) and some of its members. The forum description clearly states “Former wayward spouses and former other persons are asked to stay out of the Betrayed Spouse venting threads and respect their need to vent at THEIR situation.” That doesn’t give permission for members to post criticisms of the site and its members. Remember, we are guests here. It feels like home to many of us…but this site was created and paid for by a couple who WANTED IT THIS WAY. If we don’t like it, we don’t have to join.

He also devoted much of his opening post to telling Wayward members what NOT to do. These would be his DON’T sentences. Yet the things he’s telling them not to do….is exactly why there is a wayward forum! How can WS’s become safe and healthy spouses if they don’t first share their thinking??? They are ENCOURAGED to come here and share their mindset so others can help direct them to a healthier and empathetic mode of thinking. Again, this had nothing to do with Txquail’s personal situation. His last post claimed he vented about his exWW, yet she’s not mentioned in this thread at all.

Now I’d like address my exchange with Txquail. I shared the above information with him and then offered suggestions for dealing with these site-related triggers. I recommended he avoid reading in the Wayward forum. I suggested upgrading his membership to “forget” triggery members. When each of us signed up for SI, we all realized quite quickly there was a forum for waywards. It is one of the cornerstones of this website. It is there by design. It was intentional. I suggested to Txquail that as a last resort, if he couldn’t handle SI’s design, procedures and membership rules…then maybe SI wasn’t the site for him and there were other infidelity support websites that might serve his needs without these triggers.

Really, I vent about me and now the moderators are warning me as about being too hard on Cheaters????????

Im beginning to believe this forum is becoming a support group for cheaters.

Nothing in my pm to Txquail was about him being too hard on cheaters, and NEWSFLASH! SI is a support forum for BS and WS…here is the second sentence of the Welcome page:

All are welcome here, even the betraying partner, provided they are remorseful and committed to healing.

I hope this clears up the confusion about the rules of vent threads. And I hope this provides clarity regarding my reasons for flagging Txquail. I felt it was necessary to clarify since he called me out and then misrepresented what I said to him in our pm exchange.

1. I never said I was reading the wayward Forum. You told me if I vent and vented my frustrations find another forum.

2. It was a vent post. I clearly posted for cheaters not to reply. 1st reply in this thread quoted me and told me to put vent in, so I edited and put vent.

3. I WAS FREAKING VENTING, not generalizing.

4. Your board descriptions tell freaking cheaters not to post on a venting thread.

And you tell me I have no right to vent and you banned me for a day.

Yeah I have no right for calling a cheater a person who whores themselves out for a compliment just like my EX did. All those things I listed in my original post were my own life experience. You protect the cheaters here by saying I have no right to vent.

It is clearly a vent post. I even ended it with cheaters do not reply.