SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Simply put, I didn't want to lose what I thought was such a prize. (Fact is, such a prize wouldn't have been running to our neighbor for bi-weekly blow jobs) Plus I thought it would be better for my kids to keep the marriage in tact. That proved to be a big hit with the kids. Did more damage than good.

Looking back 14 years later, I now wish I had walked him two houses down, took his hand, placed it in hers, given my best regards as I watched the two cheating pieces of shit wander off into the sunset.

And please don't say it's because "I loved him/her." Again, looking back I can't wrap my head around that answer for the simple fact that the cheater didn't give a shit about us in the first place but ran back as fast as they could the minute they were caught. If that's a person to love, then fuck me.

In hindsight, the primary reason I tried reconciliation was because she was all I knew. I was scared of the unknown.

At the time, I told myself (and others) that it was because of finances, if I was being honest with myself, that was not the primary reason.

I found my strength and left when I realized I couldn't ever truly had what I thought I did. I did not want to stay married and miserable. But it took some time.

Did I still "love" her? I'd I have to say I did. Does that make sense? No, but you cannot turn emotions off like a light switch nor can you reason them away. I forget who said it--"only a fool looks for logic in love."

I was too depressed to leave (in hindsight). I just didn't have the "energy" to file for divorce, sell the house, and get a new place to live.

I also believed her when she said that she wanted to stay married to me. I gave her an opportunity to prove it and so far... she has done okay, I guess.

Money

eta: I had this whole post typed out and deleted it.

Money and financial stability.

[This message edited by imagoodwitch at 1:57 PM, August 14th (Tuesday)]

And please don't say it's because "I loved him/her."

I’m always puzzled why it is that people ask questions and then immediately place conditions on the kind of answers that they are willing to hear. Doesn’t seem like the most productive way to move the conversation forward, or to gain any new insights for that matter.

Seems to me like a question posed with prohibitions on what answers are allowed is really just an effort to solicit responses that reenforce the questioners previously established conclusions.

Not that there’s anything necessarily wrong with that. Just seems like a circuitous route to get there.

Money and fear. He refused to leave and I was convinced that I could not. I am sure that unless his illegal activities had not caught up with him (over a decade after Dday) that I would still be too scared to leave. Today, I am happier than ever and free. My life is sooooo much better.

Simple.

I was lustfully in love with her and she was my entire life. I wasn't co-dependent, but I was devoted. I simply couldn't imagine going forward without her.

Fortunately, her continued betrayals beat those feelings out of me.

Because before the dday he was my world and my everything. When dday hit me like a tone of bricks I was floored. I didn’t actually know how to survive, physically. I was suicidal and I couldn’t imagine life without him. Obviously if we would have separated that day I would have called my friends and family and I would have survived somehow. Or find my strength on my own... I don’t know. But it literally felt like my world has been ripped away from me. I was in survival mode I couldn’t even think straight, I wasn’t eating, I was a zombie.

Later on, once I started to recover I still loved him. I was in denial and I couldn’t accept who he was. Then fear of seeing my world disappear in front of my eyes, my kids being in pain and broken hearted, our whole life we built together ripped away in million pieces.

Now I reached a stage when I am staying only because I want to see the end of my story. Did they live happily ever after (ha, impossible) or did they decide to part ways. I’m staying because it doesn’t feel like the end. I get this feeling that should we divorce we would end up spending time together and having sex because we do enjoy each other so much.

Love... I honestly don’t know what love is anymore. And I don’t know if I love him or not. I know that it feels good to be with him though I have a constant reminder of who he is and what he’s done. Habit... maybe. I often wonder if people stay married out of habit. I also fear that I’ll fall for someone else further down the road who may wake up feelings in me that will overcome my constant state of inertia.

So I’m waiting until the end of my story is written.

After initial D-Day I wanted him out but saw him beg and cry and of course I wanted to believe him. I had 2 young ones that I didn't want to lose any time with either. I wanted my family! Then came subsequent D-Days and my mental health slipped. I attempted suicide and then had to be hospitalized again after a VAR recording I had set-up. After that hospitalization I truly thought my WS was remorseful and wanting to work things out. Then 2 years later comes False R. I was ready to D because well what else could I do... then came WS cancer diagnoses and kids start struggling in school. So I stay until things stabilized.

We separated for 3 months in 2016 and was probably the best thing I ever did because it showed my WS that I was capable of leaving him and it will always be on the table.

But the bare bone facts are that I stayed for these kids and somewhat for the financial stability. I know being a single mom is going to be constant work and hurdles and I just don't want that on top of everything else.

Initially because she offered me an enormously favorable post-nup in exchange for one year to prove she was worth staying married to. My plan had been to make it through the year and finalize the divorce. During that first year (and every year since) she earned me staying with her through consistent work and behavior.

HoldingTogether - Yes I actually do agree with you. I did in fact ask a question then put stipulations on the answer. My reason is because I absolutley can't comprehend any person (me included) staying with a cheater because we love them so much. I often ask myself if I would have married my cheating h IF he had done this to me before we were married. My answer is always NO. The definition of love, last time I looked, has nothing to do with someone throwing a BS under a bus then backing up 3 or 4 times.

However, if your answer is because of pure actual love, then so be it. I just don't and never will understand that kind of thinking.

Luna 10 - Absolutely. Habit it probably the right answer. Especially in a marriage where cheating happens years after. Habit becomes the norm because we don't know anything different.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 4:43 PM, August 14th (Tuesday)]

My WW was 7 months pregnant when I found out. We had 3 miscarriages in the prior 18 months.

I didn't want my DD growing up with a half-time father, or worse...and I knew that local courts would ALWAYS give a hugely favorable custody arrangement to Mom in the case of newborns. I would barely be able to see her.

I don't think WW will ever understand how trapped that made me. I'm still not over the resentment of that. I had to choose between seeing DD--basically at all--and leaving a serial cheater.

Looking back, I think it was that he was so much of my world. It was such a shock that he would cheat.

Now today, like you, I wish I would have packed his stuff and sent him to his married other woman. They could have been miserable together. But we live and learn. I certainly would do things differently if I had to do it again.

Probably in a nutshell, I just didn’t want to face the music.

I rugswept the whole thing, quickly forgave him, and just wanted to pretend like it didn’t happen. I was a big part of the problem ... not facing the truth.

Fast forward — more D-Days (same OW, and hookers) and here I am.

Honestly, I cannot advise staying in a bad marriage finances or not ... I get you can’t commit financial sucide, BUT form a plan ... downsize, sell assets, get another job, get a second job — whatever it takes. But put yourself on a track to get out.

The emotional toll of being with an unremorsful cheater is simply not worth it. It’s guarenteed pain and heartache.

I was embarassed. I stay home with my kids and no fucking way was I going to see them 1 minute less than I was. They were never going to sleep under a roof with another woman if I had a say.

I liked my marriage. I didn’t want changes to happen. I didn’t want my lifestyle to change or go back to work after 15 years and jar the kids even more.

We were in another country. If I divorced him while we were there, I would have been forced to stay there permanently and no fucking way was that my future. I spoke to lawyers. He moved us all back home as an act of compensation and I gave him a chance to work on himself. So far so good.

I don’t believe in soul mates. I’d have been fine without him, but I was not staying somewhere where I had little support.

I think we all regret our actions on dday to some extent. For me I wish I kept calm and didn’t confront immediately on seeing that “I love you too” text. I wish I would have built up a few days of proof. See their interaction. But you need to be very cold blooded and calculated to do that when you believe you have a happy marriage as I did.

As for packing their bags and sending them to the AP, when I think of revenge it isn’t a RA. No, the biggest revenge would have been packing him up and sending him to her. Getting to know who she is from a character perspective for the months following dday 1 and 2, imagining him actually building a life with that malicious Bitch make me chuckle.

But then when I asked him to pack his bags and he begged for another chance I believed him as he was the best man on earth who did a “mistake”. (My delusional brain was telling me so on dday).

A number of reasons:

1. I made a vow, for better or worse. Yea, she broke that vow several times before I found out. But I did not, and if she would do the work, I would stick it out. (other than the cheating, we had a great life).

2. Again, as long as she was willing to work, my kids needed stability, so for the kids.

3. I did not want her shit to ruin my standing in the community. I am a community leader, and I needed to save face. But, if it happens again, I will destroy her reputation, if only to save mine.

4. THOSE FUCKERS WERE NOT GOING TO WIN (the OM). If I was getting a divorce, I was going to do it on my terms not because she stepped out when I was not looking. My affair radar is on high alert. Now I know what she was capable of...if it were to happen again, I will catch her, and she knows the consequences.

5. I am a strong man with a strong sense of myself. These As had nothing to do with me, or the OM, they were my wife's problems and she could and has fixed them. I don't need a pure wife to be a strong man, but I will not tolerate any further disloyalty.

Three and a half years later, she has full remorse, she is doing the work. She knows why she was broken and why she was so weak when men showed her attention. Our marriage and relationship is strong and getting stronger. She's finally tough and is getting stronger every day. Sticking it out has paid off in dividends for me and for her, and for our kids.

In the end, I fell in love with her a long time ago and never decided not to love her.

Because Im in no hurry to start another relationship. And he is irrelevant. I do my thing, he does his. Parallel lives. I have a plan. I'm working toward buying a condo on the water someplace warm. And I'm almost old enough to collect SS. It's a shame, really. We could have been so much more if he didn't screw up so royally.

Luna, Luna, Luna, same shit, same siutaion. I too packed h's bags. Threw everything he owned into the garage. He lived in our RV for a couple of days. I told him to get the hell out of my house forever. But stupid ass me felt badly for him and decided to let him stay. So who is the dumb shit here. (Raise my hand high)

And yes, the revenge would have been sweet with the two of them together, as she was a known whore who had affairs before and after the one with my h with several men in our neighborhood and others. (Yes, there were actually 3 other men who were as stupid as my own husband) The bitch would have stayed with him for a year or so until she started looking for another willing participant for her weak assed blow jobs.

AND YES YES YES, evidence is the key. I should have kept my cool, hid in a closet (I had her key as I was her friend/neighbor) and clicked away as they had each others heads between each others legs.

SMSA - hear ya loud and clear. We have no marraige any longer. Just live in the same house. Sometimes we do things together, but for the most part it's just like living with another person. The sad thing is that we too could have been so much more just as you said. But I guess blow jobs are imore mportant when getting them from a neighbor.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 5:44 PM, August 14th (Tuesday)]

I had a newborn and knew my son would not know his father if I filed for divorce. If a WH cheats during his wife’s pregnancy, he doesn’t care about her or the baby. I couldn’t do Toto our son. I also wanted all of my children to have the same parents. If I divorced, WH would have knocked up every skirt in the wind.