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Dan, my opinion only. I think you need to get away from this for just a little while and figure out how to proceed. There are too many of us on here trying to get you to do something immediately and that is not in your best interest. It is not in the best interest of your children and believe it or not not in the best interest of your wife. You have a long history together and this painful thing has just happened to you. That’s really all you need to do right now is protect yourself and your little family and I don’t think we’re helping you anymore.

Dan This ^^^^^^^^ from Cooley2here. You have been inundated with over 900 messages. Please heed Cooley2here's advice

^^^^^^^^^ Yep! I agree, Step away and think for yourself for a bit. Sometimes infidelity isn't a team sport.

because it is belittling and embarrassing.

But just for her H, right? And with the AP, it was exciting, intoxicating and addictive. But it's only degrading with her H.

I get it now.

Agreed with the rest. Take time away. You seem to know what to do, at least for these next upcoming weeks. Wish you and your family the best! Given the unfortunate circumstances, you’ve been handling it pretty remarkably!

As for this “sexy dress & no panties” nonsense discussion. I doubt Dan would want to stoop to their level. It won’t help him and his recovery to humiliate his wife. He’ll just end up feeling worse, since he’s a good person.

[This message edited by Hamburgundy at 9:39 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)]

But just for her H, right? And with the AP, it was exciting, intoxicating and addictive. But it's only degrading with her H.

I get it now.

WOW, the point really zoomed right over your head. It was totally messed up for her to agree to it with the AP. That does not make it right for her to be forced to do it for her husband.

Really stop to think about the path you’re walking down with this line of thinking... if a BH finds out that his WW gave the OM a blow job, would you tell the BH to require her to give him a blow job? If she refused to do so, would that make her less of a candidate for R? If she did do it, would it make her a safer, more trustworthy wife? Come on

And yes Dan, your instincts have not led you astray thus far. You are doing much better than most would be in your situation. Take time to yourself, and with your daughters as others stated above.

if a BH finds out that his WW gave the OM a blow job, would you tell the BH to require her to give him a blow job? If she refused to do so, would that make her less of a candidate for R? If she did do it, would it make her a safer, more trustworthy wife?

And if your WH took her to Hawaii, Bali, The Virgin Islands, but only took you one city away, and then didn't want to take you anywhere nice even after you agreed to R, would that be ok?

...if a BH finds out that his WW gave the OM a blow job, would you tell the BH to require her to give him a blow job? If she refused to do so, would that make her less of a candidate for R?

Absolutely. It would make her a perfect candidate for divorce. It would prove in spades she cared more for the other man and still does. Holding him in higher regard than her husband. Besides the point of this thread (and every thread in JFO for that matter) is to help the BS not defend the wayward and play into their woe is me victim game. If the wayward wants help they should go to that subforum and get help, and you can coddle them there.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 8:29 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)]

You handled it well and you sniffed out the betrayal amazingly quick. Your wife is either remorseful or is just trying to save herself.

Your marriage will never be the same, you need some time to think it through. Staying with her will make your healing take longer. If you are with the source of your pain it is harder to recover, if you are away from your source of pain it is easier to recover.

Take some time, see if she sincerely tries to fix herself and your relationship.

Cheating is all about entitlement. Why did she feel entitled to have this affair?

Good luck, you are doing great.

The two of you love each other, the foundation of your relationship.

When I still have my down day's, WH reminds me that love conquers all. This means a lot to me because we had an extremely rough ride for several years.

Today, we love, respect, cherish, put each other first. If I am down, he sits next to me and holds me, or is just there when I want to be alone. He doesn't leave, get mad, or do anything negative.

This is my changed WH. But do keep in mind that not everything is perfect or will I ever see it that way again. We still have rough moments when I don't feel safe.

But he is my friend, my soulmate, my lifetime partner. My WH is very remorseful for his past behavior. He wishes he could take it back but he can't. Now, this is a part of our history we both choose to learn from and to make the necessary changes to make our marriage even better and stronger than before.

There is hope in whether you R or D. I just wanted to give you a little of my perspective.

She was gone by the time I arrived home. We normally have Taco Tuesdays and she had prepared everything for us and spent some time with the girls before I got there.

The girls were already asking me when their mom could come home. I told them that there were a few things that "Mom" needed to do before that could happen.

I did talk to her for an hour on the phone tonight and think that we may be headed in the right direction. She did call a clinic about the STD test and said that even though she didn't need one, that she would get one done this week and that it could take up to two weeks for all of the results to come back.

I told her that I was more concerned with her getting IC, and she promised to make an appointment tomorrow.

Kelli, it turns out, was the woman at the party that noticed them arguing. She spoke with her today and confirmed that it was indeed me who was in the parking lot fight. Kelli said that "Pepe" had not returned to work since the event. She claims that Kelli was unaware of anything going on between the two.

Apologies if I missed something - why does she need an STD test?

Apologies if I missed something - why does she need an STD test?

Because I told her that I wanted her to have one.

My Friend,

Wonderful news... You have done well. I will keep praying for you and your family. I'm hoping for the best

Take Care,

Bigheart

Apologies if I missed something - why does she need an STD test?

She, a proven liar and cheater, said that she didn't sleep with another man but her husband.

Sleeping with other partners than just the one is how you spread STDs and justifies why one would need to get regularly tested when not being exclusive.

But she, a proven liar and cheater, said that this is not the situation she's in.

[This message edited by thatcantbetrue at 9:27 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)]

I know it's early (and I NEVER say this) but it looks like from where I'm sitting that things are looking up for the two of you.

Let me preface this with saying we're getting off topic here. We don't know if she did these things for Danin, nor if he even wants them.

It was totally messed up for her to agree to it with the AP. That does not make it right for her to be forced to do it for her husband.

You're applying your own preferences here, not hers. We don't know hers. Given she readily agreed to it, this wasn't "humiliating", it was likely exciting, illicit and fun.

Her doing things like these but not for her partner is an issue for one simple reason. It shows where her priorities lie, whom she is willing to do things for and whom she wants to please.

if a BH finds out that his WW gave the OM a blow job, would you tell the BH to require her to give him a blow job? If she refused to do so, would that make her less of a candidate for R?

Are we talking about a situation where a WW refused to do these things with her husband. Refused to indulge her husband despite him expressing desire to engage in these acts. Said these are clear boundaries and preferences she wont compromise.

Then went and did all of these things with the AP? In that case, that would be an instant death kneel to any kind of R for me. No question asked. It would be grounds for a scorched earth approach.

Absolutely no coming back from that, ever.

If she did do it, would it make her a safer, more trustworthy wife? Come on

Nothing will do that. Ever again. No matter how far in the future or whatever she or he would be willing to do.

Engaging in activities denied to their partner with an AP is adding insult to injury. It shows that the AP was more important, they strove to please the AP more than they at any point cared to do for their partner, that rules and boundaries some long standing did not apply to the AP. It makes the husband/wife a chump and doormat on top of everything else.

Once again. Off topic. Doesn't really help Danin and we don't even know if it applies. For all we know they might do far wilder stuff together on the regular.

I have been following your thread. You are getting good advice and some I don’t agree with.

I feel for you.

The best thing I can tell you is to show your girls how to be strong. Tell them your Mother had a boyfriend. Married people do not have boyfriends or girlfriends. That it is important to make good boundaries in a relationship. Let them know that rugsweeping does not fix what has happened that hard work may or may not.

Best of all get the girls into therapy and family therapy.

[This message edited by PricklePatch at 1:30 AM, December 19th (Wednesday)]

Sounds like your wife is doing everything you asked. Her effort seems genuine from the way you describe it.