SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Marie Kondo thing

I didn't recognize this so I had to look it up. I feel accomplished, I had to rebuild almost an entire professional wardrobe and a new living space from scratch and I feel like I've been implementing most of these tips from the get go. Now if only I could motivate myself to put things up on the walls and buy some plants...

My clothing is not clothing, it's a message

OIN, tell you what, I'll ask a hypothetical.

Let's say two people are walking through a known bad neighborhood, lots of robberies and the like. Let's say one of them is walking slowly and casually, not paying attention to their surroundings. Let's say that the other one is walking briskly, keys in hand, very aware of their surroundings.

Now let's say someone interested in robbing someone looks at these two people. Are they both sending a message? Are the messages both equally intentional? Are the messages very different?

Now, the person robbing someone is objectively wrong in their actions. I think we can agree on that.

Is the oblivious person to blame for being robbed? No.

Could the oblivious person have done better in making themselves less of a target? Sure.

Should the oblivious person have to think about things that way? Probably not.

We don't live in a utopia. Everything isn't perfect, and we have to act accordingly. It isn't sufficient to say that we just need to teach people not to rob, because we can't be responsible for teaching everyone else, we are only in control of ourselves.

I have a fourteen year old daughter, so this subject is something I think about a lot. Her experience in the world will be different than mine, because of her gender, when she's growing up, etc. It's a hard subject to really nail down, because while I want her to feel comfortable to dress and act in whatever way makes her happy, the truth is that there will always be people who aren't operating in good faith.

Despite it being a ridiculous example, there is some clarity provided my NTV's comment about being naked himself. He's going to get some stares. Just like a woman would if she were naked. I would also assume that the more clothing that goes on, the fewer looks it would draw.

The place I have landed with my daughter is that she's welcome to dress the way that she wants, but to be mindful about how she is presenting herself, because everyone has a very different idea about what it means (if anything at all). Several religions have a very different idea about appropriate dress that I don't agree with, but I am not changing their minds.

Just because we don't wish something to be, doesn't mean that it isn't.

^^^^

Oh, Marie. She's awesome, but I am feeling very pressured on my closets.

Last week a man came over to me as I got in my car at the grocery store to tell me I was beautiful. It was a compliment, but I also felt like he was in my personal space and it kind of creeped me out. I would prefer he had not done it. I dress and live and look for me. He could have just thought it instead. Note to self: stop wearing lingerie to grocery store.

I don't think it's a daily assault, but over years, yes, we women put up with a lot.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 4:09 PM, April 5th (Friday)]

I am wondering where the Hell everyone lives. I have never noticed any of that going on while grocery shopping. I am not saying it doesn't exist. Maybe I just don't see it. I am usually just thankful I don't have to drag my kids with me. I work with all women. All. In a grocery store for 11 years. I have never had one complain to me about customer harrassment.

Haha, Zugzwang, I'm pretty sure no one is suggesting that grocery stores are harassment hotspots. I believe that it was brought up as a place where one poster had experienced harassment. My understanding was that poster was trying to illustrate that it can happen anywhere, not just at drunken frat parties (or other such places that seem more obvious).

I went through my stuff, but I wasn't about thank it or ask if it sparked joy. I just got rid of what had holes.

But...it got me thinking. Some people just see clothes. I just see clothes when I get dressed. Some see an extension of themselves. My wife and children do. My son loves to wear his Jurassic World tshirts.

I just got rid of what had holes.

Marie would approve. She would probably say, "They know they were loved."

My problem with my closet was I went on a spending spree (sorely needed) and started hanging everything. I only bought a small 3-drawer dresser for socks, underwear, and the like. THEN I was introduced to the wonderful world of "throw a sweater on top of that button down" work attire and went apeshit. Now I've got one full drawer dedicated to neatly folded sweaters and counting. Started folding old t-shirts that have no place on a hanger and ran out of space. The worst part is, dressers are one of the few things IKEA actually manufacturers to last, so it's either make due for now, or buy yet another dresser. Two dressers. For one person. ...good thing sweater weather is almost over.

I used to see clothes as just something to keep me warm, maybe with something interesting on it or whatever. As soon as I turned single and started a brand new career path at a brand new company, I changed my whole worldview. I've got one friend who thinks about clothing choices (too much, I'd say) and he took me under his wing. Now I stop wearing pants if I don't like the way they look on me when I'm walking. It's that bad. I haven't been so obsessed with my appearance since high school. Probably part of my defense mechanism for being so abruptly dismissed.

Guess I need to just walk around armed. I guess that's a good philosophy- if ladies shoot all the assholes out there, there will be none left.

Which is why THIS is the perfect "safe" outfit (missing helmet duly noted):

I haven't been so obsessed with my appearance since high school. Probably part of my defense mechanism for being so abruptly dismissed.

Well, might as well say it. Or because you're trying to attract female attention?

<ducks, runs for cover!!>

That helmet outfit is going to attract a LOT of attention, BTW. Not at all the best way to keep the male gaze away. They might be looking at your gun and not you, but either way, you're gonna get a LOT of attention in that getup.

Attention? Certainly. However, a "longing glance" can be turned away quickly with a hand on the sidearm, and I'm pretty sure no one is going in for an "accidental" grope with the grenades and knives available.

I asked my 15 year old son what he thinks about how a girl dresses. He said he thinks it's kind of weird for a girl to wear booty shorts and a low cut top to school, but that's it. He doesn't think she's sending a message that she's open to sex.

I asked if he sees girls and thinks, "sex!". After getting over the initial shock of me asking (he said he doesn't think other people's parents ask them questions like that), he said he does not automatically think of sex. He doesn't really think about what girls are wearing. I guess he could be lying, but I don't think so. And, he's interested in them. He's had a few dates/gfs. So, apparently, i'm weird.

And, maybe thinking that way is learned? A holdover from the days when their were only ladies and whores. Ladies dressed this way, and whores dressed that way.

BTW, the guys in the barber shop were very nice. They even changed the music when it became somewhat offensive without me asking.

Shoot! I always forget stuff. I would absolutely step in if I saw a woman beating on a man. That's just as disgusting as men assaulting women. As I've said, I have boys. I don't want them to be abused. So, I am acutely aware of that sort of thing.

As to women wanting to be treated as equals, I think we all know that is in terms of intellect and such. I also think we all know that, as a general rule, women are not as physically strong as men. So, while women should absolutely stand up for themselves, they cannot always fight a guy off. To me, it's the same as witnessing a child being hurt or a guy being bullied. Step in. Say something. Do something!

I can tell that my fch would and does. He has pulled over on the side of the highway when he saw a man beating a woman in a car. He stayed in his car behind them so they knew he was there while he called the police. He also stared down a shotgun being wielded by a man threatening to shoot a woman. He's not a big guy, 5'6" and about 160 lbs. He does have a bit of a KISA complex,though.

Second, the concept of "men should step in to police other men *for women's sakes*" exists in gross opposition to the belief, which I share, that women are free agents in the world who can handle their own business and don't need white knights to rush in and save them. There's no rule book to follow where "men should step in to save me in these situations, but in these other situations he's white knighting or 'mansplaining' or crossing some kind of subjective, invisible line that he should just inherently be aware of and fuck right off". Not to mention, the personality type of a man who would "stand up for" a female friend is, like it or not, the same type who is likely to be territorial and generally aggressive and other such things which might not be as palatable in a friendship. If I saw a guy immediately jump in to "fight for his female friend's honor", I'd either think A) "this guy is a fucking hothead" or B) "man, this dude *really* wants to get with this girl, huh?" Not saying those are his only two options, but let's be real here, if we surveyed 100 people, those would be the top two Family Feud answers bar none.

I want to counter this with a different analogy. Should white people just sit back and be cool with observing white people making racist comments towards and about people of different races or should white people show disapproval when they see or hear this crap going on? Would you be more likely to step in and correct a man calling a woman the N word or more likely to correct a man making inappropriate sexual commentary towards her? What if it isn't a woman, but a man? Is this stuff just supposed to be glossed over and ignored or do we have a responsibility as members of society to disapprove of horrible things?

BTW, I correct stuff loudly in public regardless of genders involved even when it may be stupid to do so because people being treated badly does trigger a massive attitude problem in me. So maybe I'll get my ass whooped one day or maybe I'll wind up whooping someone else's ass. I'll take an ass-whipping for a cause that matters to me. I HAVE jumped in when a man won't leave a woman alone whether I know her or not. Pretended to be one's girlfriend once. This issue matters to me, therefore I'll put in the extra effort to defuse it when I see it at my own personal risk.

he said he doesn't think other people's parents ask them questions like that

I do!!!! And my kids think I'm weird, too.

Now I stop wearing pants if I don't like the way they look on me when I'm walking. It's that bad. I haven't been so obsessed with my appearance since high school. Probably part of my defense mechanism for being so abruptly dismissed.

You want to feel proud of how you look, maybe need to feel proud. That is ALL good, I say. Go for it! I bet you look great. My oldest is rocking that cardigan thing lately, and it's a fun look.

And me stepping in runs the very real chance of inciting violence where you blowing him off hard almost certainly will not. Why do I have the onus to act on your behalf if you will not, even if you acting is much more likely to result in a peaceful end to the solution.

Since I can't post links without mod approval, you can google these:

According to the NYPD, Darryl Guillyard faces multiple charges in an attack on 22-year-old Lakeeya Walker earlier this month. Guillyard, 32, held the door for her and when she didn't say thank you, Guillyard is accused of throwing a cup of coffee in her face, tossed her to the ground, choked her and kicked her. Walker suffered minor injuries but her fetus is OK. The assault happened on March 5 at the Elliott Houses on 26th Street in Chelsea.

Paris Sashay, 23, was brutally attacked by several men late last Saturday night after they called out to her and friends and she rejected their advances, she told News4.

Police say a Pittsburgh woman was shot and killed outside a bar early Friday by a man whose sexual advances she had refused.

Charles McKinney, 41, has been charged with murder in the death of 29-year-old Janese Talton Jackson.

A Frenchman who threw an ashtray and hit a young woman (Marie Laguerre) outside a Paris cafe after she confronted him for catcalling her has been fined and sentenced to six months in jail.

An arrest affidavit in the case shows Rivera allegedly confessed to his crime, saying he ran after Mollie Tibbetts while she was out on her run and then attacked her after she threatened to call the police. He said he “blocked” the actual slaying from his memory but came to and found her body in his vehicle, according to the affidavit.

Bonnie Currie said the suspect then put his hands on her private parts, and she yelled at him to get away. “He pushed me as hard as he could push me onto the subway tracks,” Currie said.

A Connecticut teenager has been sentenced to 25 years in prison for stabbing a classmate (Maren Sanchez) to death at their high school because he was upset she turned down his prom invitation.

An all-American college student was fatally shot in the face at the J’Ouvert festival in Brooklyn for having the nerve to tell a man to stop grinding against her, police sources said Tuesday. St. John’s University student Tiarah Poyau, 22, was walking the pre-West Indian Day Parade route with three pals early Monday when she was accosted and told the man, “Get off me,’’ according to a source.

“After I declined [he] was a little bit mad, the second [time] I declined, the third time and said I'm gay, so I'm just not interested, that’s when it triggered him and that's when he started getting very aggressive." Bailey Cantrell said. Surveillance video from the gas station captured the man jumping onto the hood of Cantrell’s car and stomping in her windshield.

A Brooklyn teenager used her last few breaths to tell cops the name of the man who shot her after she spurned his advances — as she struggled through an agonizing 20-minute wait for an ambulance, according to police testimony Monday. Sixteen-year-old Shemel Mercurius was fatally shot inside a Brooklyn apartment last year by a 25-year-old man who wanted to date her, authorities said.

Sophie Johansson, 19, was partying at Babel in Malmö on Saturday night when an unknown man on the dance floor pulled on her bag. She told Swedish outlet Aftonbladet that when she turned around, the man grabbed her butt and between her legs. She then says she hit him to get him to stop, but he punched her in the face. Hoping to avoid a further escalation, Johansson and her friend decided to leave  — but as she was on her way out, she says the man struck her over the head with a bottle.

A woman found herself the victim of groping after a stranger slapped her bottom saying he had to do it because her “bum was too nice.” Jesse Ratu, a 24-year-old mum of two was returning from a morning walk to her apartment in Southport, Australia when the man followed her to the front door and proceeded to slap her repeatedly on her bottom.

A drunk man punched a woman in the face at a Williamsburg bar early on Sunday after she told him to stop touching her, according to the victim. Molly, a graphic designer who asked that we withhold her last name, met friends for a birthday party at the Alligator Lounge on Metropolitan Avenue at around 11:30 p.m. on Saturday night, she said. Before she could get her first drink, she says a strange man "made a beeline for my friend" and tried to kiss her on the cheek, then turned to Molly and said, "Oh, you're so fucking cute" in her ear.

The 24-year-old fell to the ground, hitting her head, after being struck near O'Shannon's bar on Fowlds Street, Kilmarnock. Her mother told BBC Scotland she feared the man "could have killed" her daughter, who wishes to remain anonymous. Police have launched an investigation into the incident. The victim's mother said: "The guy that did this asked her for a cuddle, [my daughter] said no. "She very rarely drinks and they weren't going to go out. They were in O' Shannons for an hour and a half.

A man harassing women at a New York City subway brutally punched a 52-year-old woman in the face, breaking her nose, after she told him to stop, a shocking video shows.

Here's the title of a Buzzfeed article:

17 Terrifying Things That've Happened When A Woman Rejected A Man's Advances

And speaking from personal experience, when I was in college, a friend and I left a party to go the closest bodega... can't remember what for, probably more beer or cigarettes. A man started following us and blowing kisses, so we changed course and ran back to the building the party was in. He followed us all the way up the stairs (we couldn't lock the door he was running RIGHT behind us), but thankfully we made it back to the apartment where he was greeted by about 30 other college student, both men and women. It caused a huge scene, a broken glass and spilled drinks, but a bunch of guys were able to push him out of the apartment, where he took off. Didn't call the cops though because it happened so fast, the guy took off and (tbh) the apartment renter/party thrower was worried about getting in trouble for having alcohol and underage college students.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 6:09 PM, April 5th (Friday)]

CaptainRogers, that outfit definitely says Black Widow.

"Come see my sexy darkness, and then I will kill you."

That stuff happens, iBonnie. It does.

I am friends with a large family since childhood--six boys, two girls. Only the girls married. What's wrong with the boys? Their personalities. They worship women or hate women, and both freak females out.

NOT ONE OF THEM has sought counseling and instead hate women almost full time now. So very sad. They never even asked the question, "What is it about me?" and instead have lashed out.

How to get people to see?

Happiness is always an inside job.

Always.

An.

Inside.

Project.

No.

Matter.

The.

Shit.

Sandwich.

😂🤣😂🤣🤣 OIN