SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know this question may seem odd to ask, you’d think I could figure this out much simpler for myself but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

A little background:

I did not have to go through such a horrific thing like infidelity personally for me to feel absolutely mortified for the BS upon hearing that their spouse cheated. I felt SOOOOO horrible for the betrayed and equally SOOOO angry and disgusted with the wayward. I would immediately think: “leave them! You don’t deserve this horrible treatment!”

Oddly enough when it came to myself, when my current spouse and I would discuss infidelity and how we would handle it - my response would be “well... it depends on what happened, how you handled it and I just have to see. I can’t answer what I’ll do unless I experience it, and I don’t want to worry about it. You know the boundaries to our relationship. If you choose to break those boundaries then that’s a risk you’re willing to take. We have agreed that we would communicate - but if for whatever reason that doesn’t happen then I’ll have to see in that moment.”

And well, here we are. Cheated on in just....ways I never imagined my spouse would ever be capable of. Completely blind sided. When I found out I immediately changed the locks and kicked her out. Told her I could NEVER forgive this!! It’s horrible!!!

After much discussion, and therapy, I’m in a place where I know that my waywards infidelity was about her. It wasn’t about me. I love her. It’s hard to throw that out sometimes. But I’m not sure if infidelity is a deal breaker for me...I hate to admit that sometimes I feel like it may not be with the proper work. But then I wonder if I’ll want to continue with this as a part of our relationship forever.

So what about you? Is infidelity a deal breaker for you? Had it always been? How did you know?

Now it is. Like you, when I looked at it hypothetically, before Dday, I thought it would depend on what "made" him cheat. After Dday happened, and I found SI, and I read thousands of posts with lots of knowledge, now, it is. I divorced. Then I worked really hard at making my life this amazing. I dont need anyone in my life. So, if someone wants to be in my life, he'd need to enhance what I already have. I just cannot see myself ever again having no trust for months or years at a time, waiting for this man to rebuild it after destroying it. Nope. No way. No how. No judgments for others but I refuse to live a life of doubts and mistrust for even 1 minute.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 8:55 PM, April 13th (Saturday)]

((StillLiving))

I could definitely understand that. Those are thoughts that come up for me often. Trust. The idea that ‘I know you’re capable of some of the worst lies and worst betrayals against me...without any care too...’

I’m a person that likes to live freely. I like the concept of “you know the boundaries. If you love me, if you respect me, if you value what we have, then you’ll know to communicate and what not to cross. Aside from that, you’re grown! I’m not your babysitter.”

[This message edited by maise at 8:39 PM, April 13th (Saturday)]

Exactly. I really love my life. I just wish I had more hours in the day to keep enjoying it. Lol. OMG the crushing heartbreak of having to check the phone bull, the VARs, the network trafficking program software, key loggers, micro examining every financial transactions. Just can't do it ever again. The only reason I even offered reconcile to the X was for the kids. I'm in perimenopause and too old to have anymore kids, so that is one thing any future man will never have with me to bond over. We won't have raised kids together. Some BSs had some pretty awesome spouses prior to the A. I get it. Why throw something away of great value for one moment in time of shittiness from the WS. But most BS didn't have that epic love affair marriage. Most cheaters are innately selfish and entitled. They were usually always an asswhole under the microscooe... not all, but most.

I used to think it was.

But I reconciled with my H.

Hard to know why - but it was the choice I made. Glad I did

I have posted this a few times over the 4 years I have been here. (sorry to all who are thinking, "here she goes again" )

I had two deal breakers our entire 30 year M.

You lay a hand on me in anger....done.

You cheat on me...done.

There was just no way I would ever have been able to get over that betrayal and disrespect.

I was not going to wait around and see if he was capable of never doing it again.

He did it once....it was over.

maise I can so relate. I used to think well maybe I’d be able to get through it depending on the circumstance. But I never imagined I’d actually be living it. Now I go back and forth. Some days I’m hopeful and I try not to shame myself for wanting to make it work. Others days I think can I live with this unbearable pain he’s caused me? It’s hard to imagine looking at him and not feeling the betrayal. I think time will help figure out which feeling is stronger

It was always a deal breaker for me. I believe it still is. My dad cheated on my mom when I was 7. Then again when I was about to get married with the same AP. We are in process of R, but if he doesn't keep up with his end of all our agreements, I will definitely D. HB resulted in current pregnancy of baby #3. That also complicated things. I would have left on Dday if it weren't for the kids. Divorce is a terrible thing for them to go through.

Yes. I tried. Spent nearly four years in weekly therapy—both of us. Then he cheated again. Seriously? He says he doesn’t know why. He was happy. Yeah. I’d hate to see what you do if you aren’t. I stayed. I was on the way to decently healing. I wanted my kids to have an intact household. He wanted a parking lot bj. I guess knowing we mattered so little after years of work makes me absolutely disgusted.

It was always a deal breaker. I just ignored it.

I experienced infidelity in an earlier serious commom-law relationship (mid-twenties, bought a house together). I spent a few weeks doing the 'pick me dance' trying to cope with the overwhelming feeling of loss but within a few weeks I realized I was worth more than that. I proceeded to legally separate and we parted ways.

From that time on I have approached relationships differently. I don't want to be anyone's mother and have no interest in trying to manage another person's behaviour. I make my expectations clear from the start (no lying, cheating etc.) and if my partner chooses otherwise then I end the relationship.

Of course marriage and children make things much more complicated but I still live by the same principles. I know that infidelity is a deal breaker for me from my earlier experience. It made things much easier when I chose to D after I discovered XWH had cheated. Was it easy? No. Did it hurt like hell? Yes. I am an honest, loyal partner and I want the same in return.

I think many people get caught up in the 'sunk cost fallacy'. That is, that they have put x number of years, effort and resources into a marriage and don't want that to seem like a waste. I see this differently. I invested in a relationship when I was getting a reasonable return but changed the investment strategy when the relationship consistently yielded only losses. I would rather move on and take a new risk to invest in a relationship with a person that has not abused me, lied and cheated on me.

I've often seen the argument that so many men cheat that it is difficult to find one that won't. I disagree with this for two reasons. First, I believe there are many loyal, amazing men out there wanting to find a good partner. Second, I have learned so much through surviving infidelity and am much smarter in how I approach new relationships. I have had the opportunity to meet several decent men since I started dating and am now in a committed relationship with a kind, emotionally intelligent, honest, loyal man.

It takes courage to let go of unhealthy relationships and move into the uncertainty of being single again. After taking time to get to know my new self and heal from the loss of my marriage, I have found happiness in my life. This has nothing to do with anyone else and everything to do with being true to myself. I live an authentic life and it pays off in ways I never could have imagined.

It was never a deal breaker to me. I thought an A would be a symptom of a relationship problem, and I was wrong about that, but I always thought rebuilding was possible if both partners wanted it.

I was surprised to find no M problem. I was shocked to find out how much this hurt. But we both were willing to do the necessary work.

I understand the sunk cost fallacy. You invest in a company, and that money is gone. If the company becomes a lousy investment, you just say goodbye to it.

There's another issue in M, though - D requires actually cutting a lot of bonds. That's requires a lot more work than just letting go of an investment. The possibility of renewing those bonds can be a good reason to R.

I always thought it was for me, until it happened to me. I always thought that if it happened I would no longer feel love towards my WH, but the love doesn't evaporate, it was still there.

I immediately wanted to R, then after a year of lies, I was ready to walk away numerous times but he continued to show me he was changing and has been treating me how I always should have been treated.

Infidelity Is the ultimate deal breaker. The cheater reviled his or her complete and total lack of self respect by choosing to be a cheater. Don’t lower your standards by accepting that behavior. Do not lower the bar for what is acceptable in marriage like I did for too many years.

For me, it was a definite dealbreaker until it wasn’t. I grew up in a family with a father who was a horrible womanizer and allcoholic. I never wanted to endure that in my M. Within three weeks of my fWW’s confession of her A, I filed for D. We were separated and I went on living my life with little contact as the D proceeded. It wasn’t until five months later she tracked me down and pleaded for a second chance. Her changes in attitude, demeanor and even appearance were shocking. I took a chance and she has never faltered and we have had decades of a fullfilling and loving M. I am so glad I took the chance. I have never regretted that decision.

It was (and is) for me. Each person is different. Everyone has their own limitations and view on life. I couldn’t deal with it, so I’m not.

Everyone is different. Everyone’s circumstances and marriage are different as well.

Infidelity is a deal breaker for most people. It was for me after D-Day 2.

Some people try to work things out, but the marriage is too damaged. Some people know immediately that they don’t want to try and head to D right away.

I think some people stay together simply because they are afraid of being alone and also because of finances.

As someone who unknowingly was exposed to HPV, AND the cervical cancer associated with it, this was a dealbreaker. My ex had sex with hookers. He brought the diseases home to me.

That’s awful, Core. Big hugs to you. ((( )))

It is, it was, and it always will be.

I have gone one day at a time for a year deciding to stay. I have had many days, many but I decided I won't make any decisions for a full 12 months but leaning towards this being a deal breaker for me. Thank you to everyone who told me patience and time.

Something changed for me after I made it through the DDays anniversaries and some milestone dates I actually found a little acceptance and a bit if peace.

WH and I have crap schedules lately but made some time for a breakfast out after I got off work last week. We are in a sh*t storm with my SD grandparents and he felt we were disconnecting and he was all to aware that was one of the reasons he gave himself to be okay with what he was doing and wanted to know where I was mentally.

We talked about the many times I thought his A was going to be a deal breaker. He said he knows that if that is what it takes for me to be whole and happy he would never blame me for moving on but thankful I have stayed.

What did I think about it before, I thought surely it would be. For today it's not.