SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There was an interesting discussion on one of my message boards today, and thoughts were all across the board. What do you all think?

Let's say you have a couple, married with kids, financial entanglements and property and all that jazz.

They both still love each other romantically as partners, not just as friends.

One partner decides they just don't want to have sex anymore. But they want to be monogamous, so forbid their partner from having other partners.

Is it reasonable for one person to decide for both that there will be no sex anymore? What should the other partner do if they want to continue the relationship but also don't want to be sexless?

Fortunately, not my circus... but I still feel squicky about the people who suggested that cheating was the answer because they were being victimized by their partner's refusal to have sex. But on the other hand, it doesn't seem right for one person to dictate that there would be no more sex.

It would be a marriage ender for me. A complete marriage includes sex unless physical illness prevents it.

Maybe I'm superficial, but I feel like that is a necessary part of marriage. For me at least. If it was me that was uninterested I'd be seeing my doctor super quick.

I don't drink or gamble - sex is the most fun I have!

A lot of people lie about dead bedrooms. But even the Bible says that the purpose of marriage is to help those who burn with passion. A partner refusing physical intimacy is not living in accordance with that. It is a legitimate point, I agree it's not appropriate for one partner to withdraw permanently while expecting all of the other benefits of marriage to continue.

There are other things they can do that are sexual but not actually sex.

Ummm... yeah, they more than likely arent monogamous, but expect it of the spouse.

I will give you a spin... my husband is and always has been repulsed with having sex with me...I thought it was me.... I caught his porn here-and-there and felt betrayed...

Upon DD, I realized he preferred prostitutes to his wife. Probably always has....

Seriously, unless they can prove having medical issues, dont believe it. Any piece of shit that claims they cheated because their wives (or the opposite) refused, is a lie to bed the next woman down or a means to gain sympathy, from others, following being caught.

It is a complete and total lie that women dont have a libido...if she is refusing sex, shes either cheating or maybe the husband should step it up with the chores/romance department.

Same goes for men...if hes refusing sex, hes getting it elsewhere....all society does is push men into the idea that "more is more"... if he is refusing, odds are it isnt just "stress"... famous line....this went on the entire marriage.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 1:14 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]

It would most certainly be a dealbreaker and right up there with adultery. It’s breaking sacred marital vows.

And it’s abusive - healthy sex is basic part of being a normal adult human in this planet, so depriving a spouse of it within a marital covenant is abusive and should so be regarded.

It is also NOT a free pass to cheat. If one partner refuses sex, just like with reconciliation, the other partner offers an opportunity to fix it.

Failing that, divorce so the abused and deprived partner can have a healthy sex life with a partner who has not decided to be asexual.

I know a guy in this exact situation from another marriage board. If the deprived partner doesn't put themselves first and divorce, it's a slow descent into madness full of resentment and self-loathing. It's ugly.

One person brought up a point about all the things you can do that aren't sex and that's valid but from what I've seen of people in these situations, their withholding partner refuses to do anything that could potentially lead to sex or give them any ideas. Sometimes that includes so much as kissing. It's never the situation where the asexual spouse is willing to compromise which is too bad because many of the people involved could accept a lack of sex if other forms of intimacy were still on the table.

Unless there was a legit medical reason, I think it would be a deal breaker for me. Instead of cheating I would get a divorce.

What is the reason they don't want sex? Has the other spouse already cheated, and affected the marital bed?

Is there a ED problem, severe ED problems, that the husband cant accept....and ….its not good for the wife..?

Maybe disease is a risk.....he gave me an STD.

THese were all concerns for me...and WH left me for OW....he had discovered Viagra. and testosterone shots......and believed it was a cure....with chronic alcoholism.....it didn't help long...the real truth, is he relapsed...and ran away....she agreed to keep him company.

He considers this a reason to cheat..to leave...

He had a ton of issues..Our sex was a result of his many mistakes.......blaming me was a mute point...I was not against sex....I wasn't attracted to him. I could say lack of sex ended our marriage....but all the cheating and abuse before this stage, certainly caused it.

You have to understand why.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:30 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]

Is it reasonable for one person to decide for both that there will be no sex anymore?

Marriage is a relationship of mutual love and submission to each other. One "deciding" for the other isn't that at all, but self-centered, controlling and manipulative.

What should the other partner do if they want to continue the relationship but also don't want to be sexless?

As a starting point, address the underlying self-centeredness of the whole "I'm making a decision for both of us" dynamic as it will have all kinds of implications for the relationship. Wherever that ends up going, the only thing I can say definitively is that then deciding that this is a license to cheat on their spouse isn't a reasonable choice.

Well, either I am the only brave one, or the only truly pathetic one here to admit that I don't have sex any more. None. Not for 7-8 years. Maybe more. Can't even remember how long.

Not with him. Not with others. Not with myself, no desire.

I think I have had an average (maybe above average) libido. My issue has always been that for me, my libido has been tightly and forever linked to emotional connection.

Even while I was enjoying my libido, I was not interested in sex all that much unless I was in a relationship. Then I really loved it. "Couldn't keep my hands off" kind of loving it. But just physical? Not for me. I'd rather self serve.

Some might say that is not normal. Whatever it "is"...it is me.

And I have, with my present marriage (31 years) had the issue of illness/disability. My FWH has been a quadriplegic (paralyzed from the chest down) since long before we met. I was never turned off by his disability. Once the emotional connection was there, I couldn't keep my hands off. And I'm here to tell you...where there is a will, there is a way!!!

We definitely had the emotional bonding stage after his infidelity, but at this point, he is too fragile in health - and I am too old with bad knees - to even bother. But even if I were able to be a contortionist, there is no desire for me. ZERO.

After his infidelity and emotional bonding had run it's course, he lost interest. I think it is from guilt. But there was/is not enough guilt to do the work necessary to work to regain trust and closeness, so...he withdrew from me.

I even used to ask him..."So, because you don't want to have sex with me any more, and we are married, and I refuse to cheat, then I have had my last sex in my 50s?" I asked so many times that he finally said that he wanted to stay married, but that I should just go ahead and have sex with someone else.

I think he only said it because he knew I wouldn't. I wouldn't because I will not cheat on him, AND he knows I need the emotional connection.

Blah...blah...blah.

We are all different. I agree that sex is a HUGELY, TREMENDOUSLY, IMMEASURABLY important element of a relationship. But even so, I am married, and I have ZERO desire.

Maybe we feel differently at different stages in our lives.

But back to the original poster. You referred to a situation described as...

One partner decides they just don't want to have sex anymore. But they want to be monogamous, so forbid their partner from having other partners.

To me, the simple answer is that this is a flawed marriage - as is mine. It is not complete. Because it lacks a very important element. Just as it would be incomplete if it lacked trust. Or communication.

In a real (my opinion) marriage, the partner who does not want physical intimacy should be willing to do whatever it takes - medically, or psychologically - to determine how to awaken this particular pleasure for himself and his partner.

So they can have a real marriage.

Just as they should be both willing to do whatever it takes to develop (redevelop) trust, communication, etc. Also elements of a "real" marriage.

For me, there is not one without the other.

JMHO

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 8:58 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]

Therapy is needed to discover why the spouse doesn’t want sex anymore. What resentment does the spouse hold and I would suspect that that spouse is cheating.

Wanted to add.... that after dday with first AP my wh faked ED and would not do those non sex things for me...but yes expected those me to continue to be a spouse in all other respects

What should the other partner do if they want to continue the relationship but also don't want to be sexless?

Choose between giving up sex and giving up the relationship. It can be a difficult choice, but sometime we have to make difficult choices.

For some, giving up sex is the better choice; for other, it'll be the relationship that will go. As an observer, I just hope a person with this dilemma makes a good choice for him/herself.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:37 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

Is it reasonable for one person to decide for both that there will be no sex anymore? What should the other partner do if they want to continue the relationship but also don't want to be sexless?

We can't always have what we want. Sex is part of the marriage contract. Of course there are times where there is lack of desire.

But even the Bible says that the purpose of marriage is to help those who burn with passion. A partner refusing physical intimacy is not living in accordance with that. It is a legitimate point, I agree it's not appropriate for one partner to withdraw permanently while expecting all of the other benefits of marriage to continue.

I agree with this. Unwilling and unable are two separate things.

This is sort of what I'm known for around here, haha! My fWW now has an extremely low sex drive. I have pretty much come to the conclusion that this is just how it's gonna be. Any sex we do have will be basically her providing a service for me, and not a mutually satisfying, passionate, fun experience for us. I decided about 2 months ago that it just wasn't going to get any better and that I needed to quit worrying about it. I am "stuck" in this current relationship, can't leave for a multitude of reasons (kids, financial, lifestyles). But I don't enjoy that kind of sex. I have more or less stopped initiating sex, we only do it when she brings it up and I can't get out of it. I have stopped seeing her in a sexual way at all. The other day I walked into the bedroom and saw her topless, changing her shirt. I just said "oops!", turned around and walked out... whereas before, I probably would've stopped and stared, and possibly even tried to get something started.

The thing is I find that I am much more tolerant and happy to be around here since I more or less took sex out of the equation. We went out last night, and though I basically treated her like a platonic friend, we had a great time. I was not worried about wether or not we would have sex when we got home, etc. It was a great night, kinda reminded me of the days early in our marriage, where we were just on the same page all the time. We even got home, went to bed, and she asked if I wanted to have sex tonight, or wait until tomorrow morning. I ended up picking neither one. Instead, I went to bed and slept like a baby.

Not saying I want to live the rest of my life like this. But I'm telling ya, the last month or so things have really been nice since I quit worrying about sex. It's been nice to feel like I'm on the same page as my wife. Would I prefer to jump each other's bones every night? Absolutely! But that's unrealistic. I have just kind of accepted that this is where my wife is, and that I'd rather stick it in an electric socket than in a wife that doesn't find me attractive and doesn't want to have sex with me.

Sex is an important part of marriage. Unless there is a physical reason and both people agree, then a sexless marriage is tantamount to marital abuse. A councillor defined sexless marriage as one in which the couple has sex less than twice a month.

I had a friend who was in a sexless marriage in which his wife was intimate about once a month or less. She refused to talk about it saying that they should not compare themselves to other couples or ideas of average. Now that they are divorced, I suspect there was some sexual abuse at the hands of her brother and she refuses to lol at that as they are strictly religious and that stuff would be rugswept anyway.

He brought up an excellent point after much scotch and a few cigars. What if he would have said to her, "I know that communication is an important part of any relationship and very important to you especially. However, it is just not something I place value on so I have come to a position to which you must agree as there will be no input from you. Call it unilateral if you will. I am prepared to talk to you once a month if the mood moves me. Even though we will communicate only once each month, it will be for a very short time and I will only do it reluctantly, and even while doing it, I will be sending you signals that I am not really enjoying it. You will have to settle for this. Now, please don't think that I am doing this because I am not committed to you, because in my world, divorce is a cardinal sin. Just realize that It is all about me and my comfort. And if you really lived me, wouldn't you want me to be comfortable?"

So that's basically where we got. Take the thing that your partner values and deny him or her that. Nothing says love like that, does it?

I am sure a lot of people lie about the dead bedroom, but I am honestly shocked at how many people tell the story. Many of my poly friends hear the same tale, and I suspect it's much more likely to be true because they have no reason to lie to us (poly people won't hook up with cheaters because that's not polyamory).

I know I couldn't have a sexless marriage, but I'm hypersexual myself. Sex is part of how I connect with my partner, and I don't feel loved without it.

I can understand why people choose to cheat because they don't want to give up all the benefits of their marriage and I do think it's shitty for one partner to unilaterally make that decision, but I just can't give it a pass. I think I'd have a lot more respect for the person who said, I'm going to go have sex because I need it, and if you don't want to I will seek it elsewhere. Then at least it's back in the ballpark of the person who chooses not to have sex, if they want to end the marriage over it.

It just feels like one of those scenarios that has no positive outcomes. No one should ever have to have sex that they don't want to have, but I think they also need to realize there are serious consequences for choosing not to have sex with your partner.

Grounds for divorce, surely. The answer isn't sexless marriage or infidelity, is it?

I mean, a relationship is all about intimacy: emotional and physical.

It's about sharing yourself with the other person, while keeping those same aspects hidden from others.

The phrase, "It's us against the world" sums that up.

Sex is a huge part of physical intimacy, metaphorically, it's two bodies combining to become one, symbolizing the very idea of "US" not "You" and "I".

So yeah, a marriage/relationship without sex is not a marriage/relationship. It's missing a pretty massive component of intimacy that helps keep relationships healthy.