SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We know that some people cheat on their spouses, but the question is, why do they take such emotional and practical risks? In a survey conducted by Loras College psychologist Julia Omarzu and colleagues, people currently or recently engaged in an extramarital affair were asked to report on their emotional experiences during the affair. The participants were obtained from a non-random source, namely a website directed toward adults who engage in marital infidelity. Thus, the results don’t generalize to the cheating world in general. However, the findings were nevertheless informative. Of the 77 participants who responded (22 men and 55 women, ages 23-63), 73% were currently married. The number of extramarital affairs they reported ranged from 1 to 22, with an average of about 4, and most of these were ongoing relationships rather than one-night stands, lasting more than 1 year and, in some cases, as long as 5. They were most likely to contact each other by cellphone, meeting mainly at hotels, one partner’s home, work, or in cars. Nearly two-thirds of all affairs had ended on friendly terms, with as many as one-half of them staying in touch on friendly terms. Src: Psychology Today: Susan Krauss Whitbourne 2012

A very interesting article by Ms. Whitbourne. First I was shocked by the number of affairs some people had (22) and that the average is four.

In her article she gives eight reasons why people have affairs:

1. Lack of sexual satisfaction in your primary relationship.

2. Desire for additional sexual encounters.

3. Lack of emotional satisfaction in your primary relationship.

4. Wanting emotional validation from someone else.

5. Falling out of love with your partner.

6. Falling in love with someone new.

7. You seek revenge.

8. You’re curious and want new experiences.

She goes on to imply that “love” or lack of “love” is a relatively insignificant reason for affairs.

If you are a BS, did your WS give you a reason for their affair?

If you are a WS, what reason did you give your spouse or yourself for having an affair?

Well, they asked waywards that are still wayward. They didn't ask people who have changed their wayward mindset. So, of course, all their "reasons" are self serving for the most part. They are a bunch of liars and how do you get a straight answer from lying liars that lie?

I do agree with the "love" or "lack of love" being a relatively insignificant reason for affairs.

Well, they asked waywards that are still wayward. They didn't ask people who have changed their wayward mindset. So, of course, all their "reasons" are self serving for the most part. They are a bunch of liars and how do you get a straight answer from lying liars that lie?

With the anonymity of SI, isn't it possible for a WS to tell the truth? Or do you think that by nature they have become eternally lost to dishonesty?

These aren’t the ‘reasons’ people have affairs. They’re the top 8 EXCUSES.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 2:27 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

They left out the following:

The sky is blue

Grass is green

We breathe air

One lame ass excuse is just as good as another.

These aren’t the ‘reasons’ people have affairs. They’re the top 8 EXCUSES.

What reasons do you believe lead to affairs?

Nailed it Dragonfly. Excuses are not the same as reasons.

With the anonymity of SI, isn't it possible for a WS to tell the truth? Or do you think that by nature they have become eternally lost to dishonesty?

The difference between WS's at SI and some WS's at site that is designed for people having affairs is totally different.

The WS's here at SI are actively doing introspection and trying to become safe partners. They are seriously looking at themselves and owning their shit. Not what those are doing on that other site, I would imagine. If they were to ask the WS's here that have done the work, I bet some of the "reasons" would look much different.

The WS's here at SI are actively doing introspection and trying to become safe partners. They are seriously looking at themselves and owning their shit. Not what those are doing on that other site, I would imagine. If they were to ask the WS's here that have done the work, I bet some of the "reasons" would look much different.

I'm asking the WS's here.

Entitlement, selfishness, poor boundaries, addiction, poor coping mechanisms, depression etc etc

I read this study and I found it totally without depth. It asked waywards why they cheated, that strikes me as their excuse rather than the reasons why they chose the action.

1. Because they want to.

2. Because they think they're entitled to.

3. Because they're selfish.

4. Because they don't care about you.

5. Because they think they can get away with it.

6. Because they think if they do get caught you won't care.

7. Because they think if they do get caught you won't leave them.

8. Because they can.

WornDown gets points for my favorite gif use. Well done!

My WH used these excuses:

Desire for additional sexual encounters (though supposedly just virtual).

Wanting emotional validation from someone else.

Falling in love with someone new (not real love, but that initial thrill, flirty energy that comes from new relationships)

You’re curious and want new experiences.

People have affairs because they lack healthy coping mechanisms and selfishly choose a self-gratifying method to solving problems.

1. Lack of sexual satisfaction in your primary relationship. Option: See a sex therapist/discuss with partner

2. Desire for additional sexual encounters.

Option: Divorce and play the field

3. Lack of emotional satisfaction in your primary relationship. Option: Seek out marriage therapy and divorce if it’s not resolved

4. Wanting emotional validation from someone else.

Option: Seek IC to figure out why you need external sources of validation

5. Falling out of love with your partner.

Option: Marriage counselling

6. Falling in love with someone new.

Option Poor boundaries - shore up boundaries with opposite sex

7. You seek revenge. Option: Divorce

8. You’re curious and want new experiences.

Option: Divorce then seek out new experiences.

Unfortunately, these options aren’t nearly as much fun as having an affair.

I am a BS. I received a few different reasons for the cheating.

1. I did not give him enough attention or compliment him enough. She gave him the attention he was looking for.

2. She was his ex-girlfriend, I couldn’t expect him to just “turn it off completely”.

3. He just wanted someone to talk to but she was expecting sex and he didn’t know what else to do.

4. He was lonely and missed me while I was out of town during residency and was too weak to say no.

There were others I’m sure, but those came to mind right away.

As you can see, a bunch off bullshit wayward excuses in my case.

I'm asking the WS's here.

Oh, I think their reasons will be honest, if they are FWS's.

My wife reads here but she doesn't post.

She started with some the standard list of excuses from the article, like, "I didn't think you loved me anymore."

But it wasn't true and she realized it soon after she said it.

The truth was, it was very difficult time in our marriage, I turned toward the relationship, she turned away. Nothing in her life to that point was going her way -- we had little money, a baby and one on the way, her job sucked and I worked two jobs and was rarely home.

A family friend came to her 'rescue' and six months of compliments later, she really loved the attention and wanted more. She deserved this attention, and it would be a 'victimless crime' since I would never ever know.

No real reasons even when life gets tough. Bad boundaries, poor esteem are traits most people share, but she had to be extra selfish to ACT on them.

In the end, she discovered none of what she did was worth the damage to her -- it took her years of keeping it a secret of shame -- or the damage to me and our family.

Watching her redemption, via her owning all of those shitty choices, changing to a far stronger person, into a kinder person, etc., and the gratitude for a second chance she didn't think she deserved, has made our R possible.

My X said the reason for his affair was the fact that I would go to bed and leave dishes in the sink. Yes. It was sworn testimony. So if we had just used paper plates...

I truly believe there are two reasons people cheat...

Lack of communication and lack of respect!!

We can all find an excuse to cheat.

Just how I feel!

They left out the following:

The sky is blue

Grass is green

We breathe air

One lame ass excuse is just as good as another.

Chaos..... You are effing amazing