SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Isn't one of his charges attempted murder? Hard to believe that he is getting out soon if this is the case. He may just be hopeful.

I hope that's the case but unfortunately I could see this as him getting a reduced sentence for cooperating post arrest and giving a bunch of excuses where the judge thinks he isn't as big of a risk. Hopefully the police bring up the murder for hire stuff and Scooby brings some of the other letters in that are more blamey and threatening.

When I read that letter I saw many things in it. I saw fear. I saw sadness. I saw pain.

I saw a murder/suicide threat. This isn't an addict or alcoholic in recovery letter. This is a disordered person who will either own or kill his wife. The alcohol didn't make him do it and the drugs didn't make him do it. This is who he is.

I saw a murder/suicide threat. This isn't an addict or alcoholic in recovery letter. This is a disordered person who will either own or kill his wife. The alcohol didn't make him do it and the drugs didn't make him do it. This is who he is.

Yep, Dee. Me too. That man is dangerous.

Your WH HAS NOT hit rock bottom yet. He still thinks he can manipulate and buffalo you all into believing him and he really is better. Sorry but it takes a lot longer than 4 weeks for sobriety and healing. We're talking years here.

The reality is you and your kid's and his grandchildren are his rock bottom. At this point, he is still in denial that he has lost you. He's not there yet.

Isn't one of his charges attempted murder? Hard to believe that he is getting out soon if this is the case. He may just be hopeful.

Like I said, do an intervention. Decide on what is expected and set the ground rules. If he doesn't abide by them, he will suffer consequences.

Like I said, do an intervention. Decide on what is expected and set the ground rules. If he doesn't abide by them, he will suffer consequences.

I don't understand why an intervention is needed. This is well pass intervention when he pointed a crossbow to her head.

He is dangerous. He is not rehabed. He is not remorseful. He is planning his next move.

Scooby what's your thoughts on it?

I find it very disturbing I cant pinpoint at what level or intention though.

Hes bragging hes done all the work ticked the boxes, it's like hes telling you "I know how to play the system" he thinks hes smarter than anyone. Because he can monumentally fuck up yet manage to get away with it.

Hes completely blameshifting any of his actions as a misunderstanding. The events dont match. He should be forthcoming this is due to him being mad and drunk he doesnt. He leaves enough doubt lingering to expect you accept part responsibility like a loose implying you or police have lied or exaggerated. That's not remorse or taking responsibility. Hes just short of blaming you for you leaving him as the cause for his abusive aggressive threatening behaviour.

The badly veiled threats of your reunion despite being clear you want nothing to do with him just shows hes in utter denial at best. Possibly a direct threat hes coming for you at worst. Either way shows hes not understanding or respecting the situation so all the "work" hes doing is falling on deaf ears as he already has decided how this will play out so you had better listen basically. Very menacing very threatening. If hes delusional hes dangerous if hes directly threatening hes terrying and dangerous. Given the potential hit man scenario I'd be inclined to think mad and planned. Hes probably delusional as well and thinks he can waltz back into your life on his terms but if or when he realises he cant play you like hes played the system this is where I really fear for your safety.

I know his account got shut down but he can easily accessible SI and I'm sure with the type of person hes coming across as he will get access hes already stated hes looked things up online this could be him indicating he can watch your online activity...take everyone's advice reassure you are protected but please dont give anymore details of where you are will be and what security you have in place on case this aids him in getting to you.

I agree I think he will be reading all this like a foreplay to his games he will if hes smart and he certainly thinks he is, he will be using it to work out his next moves. What to say what to do. The fact he gets it so badly wrong makes me think hes steeped in delusional but thank goodness hes that bad at acting so you can be well warned.

I knew of a family years ago. Well respected on the surface looked great. He was having affairs turned out he has very manipulative controlling behaviour but she put on a front for all the kids to get to the point they were grown up and could leave. She was leaving and she killed her. He absolutely destroyed her poor body in such a violent vicious way. Those kids had to witness their dad go through a trial and be convicted and he never showed real remorse. That goes with them everywhere. A murdered mother and murderer father. Horrific. This was uk too. It really does happen so please I think you already are but please take your safety seriously.

Stay safe Scooby.

[This message edited by Tentwinkletoes at 1:04 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

I don't understand why an intervention is needed. This is well pass intervention when he pointed a crossbow to her head.

He is dangerous. He is not rehabed. He is not remorseful. He is planning his next move.

Agree 1000% Scooby should have zero face-to-face contact with this nut job - it will fuel his anger more.

If he is a sociopath/psychopath, he cannot be rehabbed. They are irredeemable as their brains are permanently damaged, whether it's by drugs, alcohol, or something just went wrong in the brain. Three key behaviors in psychopathy are egocentrism, manipulativeness, and a lack of empathy. Just google "the brain of a psychopath" and you will find a wealth of information...their brains are different, damaged, NOT FIXABLE.

Scoobs, be safe sweetie...I know that you do not want to run (he would find you anyway). Lots of good ideas given (dog, security, etc.), but please do not disclose ANY security measures that you have taken or your safe spaces here on SI (or anywhere for that matter; you don't know who he has watching/monitoring you from the outside).

Many hugs...

Lala

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 6:11 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

Very sinister. A D is happening. Why is he acting like they are still going to be together? I am very disturbed by this.

If you cant have a gun on you at all times then I agree with the wasp spray.

Buy a few cans.

Go out and practice using them.

You may think you're ready for something but usually we aren't.

Practice sprayng that spray.

Be safe!

UPDATE FROM SCOOBY: Re Letter

I had a big meeting last night at a safe location with my family, police, prosecutor, solicitor & liaison officers...

Yes it looks like it could be a possibility he will be released, but it's not definite.

however even if he is released, he will still be going into rehab, he won't be able to come back to our area until he proves himself safe.

He will most probably be tagged so they can keep an eye on him for a substantial time,

That'll be sorted if & when he gets out.

The red flags have been constant for the authorities so they are fully aware of what's been going on. The police had full copies of all letters he's sent out to anyone.

Personally I think he's not going to harm me, he's going to harm himself, Its not about me moving on its about him struggling to move forward without me in his life, He knows his every move is being looked at, he knows his every move he makes towards me is being scrutinised, Its not my heart stopping that will break our bond, its his!

I'm not worried, I have so much stuff in place,

My house is like Fort Knox, I have everything in my car but bullet proof glass, I am so rarely alone, I have my dog that barks at anything & everything, sensors here there & everywhere,

We have security at my place of work.

I have more protection/people around me than Royalty atm.

Tbh I think they need to be more worried about him than me.

Yes he's definitely still angry but I think its at himself more than me, he's angry he let it get this far, it all started tumbling down around him when I found the swingers site, he's angry at that site & what 'it done to our marriage more than anything else,

I have no hopium left for me & him but I do have hopium he can & will sort his head space out, if not for himself than for his family & our kids.

His letters to (a few friends) his dad, his brother, our kids are so damn sad, so bloody lonely, totally different to mine, in his letters to everyone else he says how sorry he is, how much he's fucked up, how much he can't see him having a life without me, how I've always been to strong & to good for him, How proud he's been of me, he may of thought he could control me but he always knew deep down I was the 1 in control, his letters to everyone else says everything they don't say in mine but should.

Why oh why do I get the fucked up shit, why can't he say that in his letters to me!!

I'm not running, I'm not any more scared now than I have been in all my years with this man.

I will say I have EVERYTHING covered, I have everything legal I can possibly have at the ready, I also have a hell of a lot of illegal stuff at the ready, obviously I can't post it but trust me I have had more help than I ever thought possible,

One thing I have learned through all of this is that I have so many friends & people ready to battle for me if the need arises.

thank you for everyone's advice trust me I have & will be using it all to protect myself & my family.

I will say I have EVERYTHING covered....

I hope and trust Scooby realizes that means

I will say I have EVERYTHING that she can think of covered....

Alas, she has to stay vigilant from now on. Something could trigger her H at any time, rehab or no.

My worry is that remorse he displays in everyone elses letters isnt true either. Its playing a game to create the persona he needs orgers to see. If it was true remorse it wouldve came to you too...but he doesnt even think he needs to give that. He believes some living promises and assursnces are enough. Probably because in the past it was. He is using his "remorse" to manipulate everyone else into feeling sorry for him....that's not remorse at all thats still all about him.

Why oh why do I get the fucked up shit, why can't he say that in his letters to me!!

Well, he knows how angry you are at him. And he now may be afraid of you! Look where he thinks you put him! I'm sure he thinks you put him there, although he is the one who did this to himself!! I'm kind of thinking good, let him think that. Just gives him another reason to fear you and see that you are fierce and won't put up with junk from him anymore. You are done. You have hit rock bottom. Good for you. And he also knows that you are tired and done with this lifestyle. He knows you aren't going to allow him to bully you around anymore. Stay strong.

I saw that you mentioned that your STBXWH will be entering rehab soon and I have some thoughts for you to ponder, does he want sobriety? Is he willing to give up the lifestyle he knew for so long? Alchohol, drugs, bars, women? Is he willing to take positive steps toward change because he wants it? Hopefully, he can come to terms with sobriety. To me there needs to be stipulations from your kid's if he is going to continue to be a part of their lives. Strong boundries that need to be upheld.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 3:12 AM, September 28th (Saturday)]

I saw that you mentioned that your STBXWH will be entering rehab soon and I have some thoughts for you to ponder, does he want sobriety? Is he willing to give up the lifestyle he knew for so long? Alchohol, drugs, bars, women? Is he willing to take positive steps toward change because he wants it? Hopefully, he can come to terms with sobriety. To me there needs to be stipulations from your kid's if he is going to continue to be a part of their lives. Strong boundries that need to be upheld.

HurtmyHeart,

Boxer will only be going to rehab to only keep himself from prison. This is not rehab for personal change its rehab to save his ass. Big difference.

More than likely it will be the equivalent to American drug court. If he has never been in trouble with the law and because of overcrowding this is the legal solution. Complete the requirements and have the charges dismissed. Of course its still on his record unless he will be able to expunged a year after drug court. I really don't know if this will happen to Boxer but its what I think/gather from his letter.

Scooby,

The letters he writes to everyone else are part of his game. Don't overthink them. He is only saying what he thinks that other people want to hear. "But Scooby he changed! Look what he writes to us". No just stop thinking about those letters. The one you received is the one to worry about.

He is not scared of you. Not yet anyway. Keep your shields up. I'm glad to hear what safety measures you have in place.

You have nothing to ponder on when it comes to his personal life. The only thing you need to ponder on is your life and how to keep it safe from him.

Scooby, I implore you (and others on this thread who think Boxer can be fixed/rehabbed) to read "Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft. Also, "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker.

Two of the best books ever written on your situation. They could save your life.

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft was the final step in me understanding npd. Bancroft is the premier expert on abusers, not npd, but there is such operlap and connection in the mindsets that I reached full acceptance on personality disordered people. It was the final step I needed in learning to always let it go, walk away, detach--no matter when and where I meet people like this.

My own FOO wants to invest and fix and remedy abusers or haters or passive aggressive attackers or withholders or the silent treatment types. I encounter these behaviors in so many friends, acquaintances, family members, coworkers, bosses, neighbors, and group members, and I always hurt. I spent time and energy being upset, caring, or taking steps to fix the situation.

Then I read his book years ago. BAM! It all clicked.

I understood that these people were behaving in ways that would never, ever stop. Bancroft makes a point of saying that abusers are so entrenched in their entitled mindsets, so narcissistic, so without empathy that mental health professionals know to invest most of their energy into the victims of abuse; they are easier to help and change. And that is how they save people from self-centered, hurtful, manipulative abusers. The abusers don't want to change, just win the game.

Please read the book, Scooby. Lundy Bancroft has worked with thousands of incarcerated abusers and has a lot of useful information to share. I fully took my emotional life back when I read his book. I want you to quiet your soul, too.

Good luck. Everyone here is thinking of you.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 11:43 AM, September 28th (Saturday)]

From Scooby

A quick update & a response to 1 poster in particular.

There will be NO INTERVENTION from myself, my family OR my KIDS.

None of us want anything to do with him, I raised very strong minded young adults that can make up their own minds on what is right & wrong. The only reason he could manipulate them for a short period of time was due to him being their dad, if you took that factor out he would of been shot down in flames as soon as he opened his mouth, as it was he did get a little foot in the door but trust me he was soon shot down when they had all the facts regardless of him being their dad.

They had hopium bc I made a choice to keep secrets from them to protect them, as soon as those secrets were told they made their own choices to walk away from him.

He has chosen this life for himself, he has chosen to bully, destroy, manipulate & threaten.

We have chosen to not be a part of it, we don't need AA we don't want or need to know what his plans are for him on his release or while he is in prison. WE will not be a part of his healing process in or out of prison.

WE DONT CARE about him, his progress, or his destruction.

We are looking out for ourselves with no future plans of ever sharing holidays, time, or anything else with this man.

He will never be anything more than a memory for all of us bc of HIS actions, not mine & definitely not my kids.

NO BOUNDARIES are needed IMHO.

Hurtmyheart, All you ever seem to do is push blame onto me & my family, tbh I'm getting pretty sick of it,

I Didn't Do This, My Kids Didn't Do This, None Of Us Deserved This.

HE POINTED A LOADED CROSSBOW AT ME, HE WAS READY TO SHOOT ME DEAD BC I TOLD HIM IT WAS OVER & I HAD FINALLY HAD ENOUGH.

He did this in front of my kids, he could of easily lost control & shot 1 of them when they ran to protect me.

The time for an INTERVENTION has long since passed. I have no interest in doing anything for this man, I don't hate, pity or love him, I don't feel anything for him most days.

He has very minimal bearing on my life or the choices I make!

Only in keeping myself & my family safe from him.

Thank you everyone else for your continued support & advice (I will be downloading those books to read).

I'm not fooled by his words, I'm not being led into a false sense of security,

I know what my situation looks like & IS.

WE all do!

I may be out of infidelity but it will be a little bit longer before I feel 'safe'

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 3:03 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]

Bravo, Scooby!!

Your head is in the right place. Onward! And never let your guard down.

Sending huge hugs!!

Scooby you and your kids are simply amazing - the strength all of you are displaying is beyond belief. Just fucking awe-inspiring!

Sending you and them huge hugs and so much good juju honey!

WE will not be a part of his healing process in or out of prison.

Where is the clapping guy emoji?

(((((Scooby))))))