SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out about a month ago that my wife has been cheating on me with another married man for the past 3 years. I looked at her phone and saw the texts, confronted her and she gave me every detail I asked. Looking back I wish I didn't know as much as I do. I've gone through all of the phone records and found out that it started out as an emotional affair, but after they had sex the first time, it progressed quickly. Over 2k texts, 200 pics and she's admitted to sex with him 10 times over the last 2 years. Some of which were in our home. The last time was in May 2019.She's cut off all communication with him, and he's actually moved out of the country. She says it was a huge mistake, but couldn't stop it.

We have 2 small children and I do love my wife. I don't know what to do. I'm on such an emotional roller coaster, I feel like I'm going crazy!

Please someone give me some advice on how to put this in the past and move forward.

Thank you

This doesn't just get put into the past.

It also wasn't a huge mistake.

She needs IC to figure out why she thought she could have an affair while you were her husband.

She also needs to leave or you do for at least a week to get your head straight.

She needs to write out a timeline and read it to you. Back it up with texts. Yeah, knowing everything is going to hurt, but when you get past the initial pain, it will be over. Like a Band-Aid being ripped off, you will feel some pain afterward. Then you are going to start to get angry.

Get the "How to help your spouse heal from an affair", links in the healing library.

Lastly, tell her she has to have the kids DNA tested and she needs an STD test. This is so she feels how humiliating it is to not be trusted anymore.

Good points:

You can get past this.

The AP left.

She replied to all your questions.

She isn't pining for the other guy.

She didn't blame you for the affair.

All very good things for a start.

This doesn't just go into the past. She shared something with him she owed you. Why didn't she give you that? That is the ultimate issue she has to fix, because you aren't going to trust her ever again. But you will get to a weird ambivalence where you aren't worried if she cheats again. You know what you expect out of the marriage and are up front about the consequences for future issues.

You got this.

Hi pga. So sorry you had to find SI. Take some time to read up in the healing library. Specifically the 180 and what a true remorseful WS (wayward spouse) looks like. I did not follow the 180 plan in the beginning and I very much wish I had. I dealt with 9 months of false R (reconciliation), and in my case I feel like that did more damage to me than the cheating did.

You are under no obligation to put this behind you just yet. I get wanting to do that because I did the same, but until you have all the facts you really can't determine whether or not this is something you can move past. If that happens or not is up to you. And please know none of this was your fault. She may try to blame it on the marriage or on you, but that is completely false.

"She says it was a huge mistake, but couldn't stop it." No to this, just NO. She could have stopped it anytime while sending 2000 texts and 200 pictures, she didn't stop it because she didn't want to. And the only reason it did stop is because he moved (supposedly). It is a known fact on here that cheaters LIE. Unfortunately, I don't think you have the whole truth just yet. Prepare yourself for TT (trickle truth). Seems to me that it happens way more often than not that the wayward doesn't really come clean on DDay.

You are not crazy. Everything you are feeling is completely normal. In the early days, make sure to take care of yourself; eat, stay hydrated, get sleep. It is so disorienting and it is easy to let that stuff slide.

Hugs!

Thank you for kind reply,

I appreciate all of your help and insight. I'll definitely check out the link to the book you provided.

Our children are old enough that a DNA test would not apply, but an STD test is a good idea.

Also, I wanted to add that I confronted him shortly after I found out and he apologized and said that it was just sex. Not helpful, I know. He also said that his wife knew, but he's a liar and I'm not sure. Should I reach out to try to contact her to make her aware of the affair? Again, She may already know.

1 more question. Should I go to therapy, or just her or should we go together?

Thanks again

Absolutely you should expose to his wife (OBS). Do that and do not tell your wife or him that you are going to, cus dollars to donuts she has no idea. The hardest part of being a BS (betrayed spouse) is feeling like you aren't supposed to say anything, but you can expose this to whomever you choose. You are under no obligation to keep their secret. And if they suffer consequences by exposure? So be it. They both should have consequences for their crappy decision.

IC (individual counseling) is a must for both of you. Me and my stbxwh did MC (marriage counseling), but I know now that we did it way too soon. She needs to go to figure out what is so broken in her that she could deceive you in this callous and cruel way for 3 years, and trust me you need to go because this is very hard and a good counselor will help you to find some firm footing and clarity in all this.

If she can go and start getting help and if she starts doing the necessary work to reconcile, then you might consider marriage counseling. But IMHO, you both need to go separately for the time being.

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 9:59 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

This is a tough situation. You have done nothing wrong. But cheating for three years is tough to face because it went on so long and it was planned.

Get yourself a good counselor to deal with this infidelity. It will help you to get some direction and good advice. You love your wife. You want to stay married. But it may be too soon to make that decision.

Your feeling will make you believe you are on an emotional roller coaster. That’s how it is for months/years. It does get better with time whether you reconcile or divorce.

But now your marriage is in triage. You want t yo stop the bleeding which is good as the Affair has ended.

Now you enter the healing phase. Not so easy. Good days. Then a bad day. Then good days. Then bad days. Be prepared for it. Things will trigger you. Things he will upset you.

I’m sorry you have to face this. Infidelity really stinks and ruins so much for you. You will rebound and survive. We all do.

Keep posting here for good advice and support

Sorry for your terrible situation.

Doinbettr's post above is spot on.

Please go to the healing library and read up. You are leaning toward reconciliation (R) which is fine, but there is no need to decide right away. And if you decide to R you need to understand that rugsweeping will come back to bite you hard so avoid it at all costs.

She does seem, from what little you wrote, like a potential candidate for R. However, the work to do it right is substantial.

She needs IC to find where she is broken and fix it so she becomes safe for you and the marriage. After such a long and deep betrayal that will require a lot of effort on her part. The IC should come before any marital counseling. Any issues the two of you have in your marriage should be addressed but first she needs to understand her inner self and what caused her to betray you like this. And you need to do some healing as well. Once those things happen, you can pursue marital counseling as needed.

For your healing you need to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Eating right, exercising and doing other things that reduce the stress you are under. You also should consider IC so you can work through all of the pain you are experiencing.

She should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal After an Affair. You will need her to actively participate in your healing for several years if R is going to work. Yes, years. Thats just the time it takes. 1 year is fast for healing. 3 years is more like it but some take longer than that. Itnis a long road to R.

You should try not to offer R immediately. You are going to be on a roller coaster of emotion and reaction for many months. You do not know exactly how you will end up feeling and if you will be able to get through this. I am not saying this to encourage you to divorce, I actually think people who are inclined to reconcile should consider it deeply but then give it a try if that is how they still feel. But the language you use to share your intent with your wife is important for both your mental approach and so she understands the extreme damage she has caused to the marriage. You can tell her that you love her still despite the Deep pain she has caused you and the marriage. You can tell her that you need time to process this and to see if reconciliation is possible. You can say that you would hope that you are able to reconcile and move through this pain but that only time will tell if that is actually going to be true for you. You can make it clear to her that saying sorry is not going to be nearly enough for reconciliation to be successful. Set the expectation with her quickly that this process is a long one and only if she is committed to action and not just words will there be any chance for success.

She needs to develop a deep level of true remorse for her actions for successful reconciliation to happen. She needs to fix herself as much as possible, establish strong boundaries that she will not waver from and actively work to heal you over the course of months and years. Without these things, any reconciliation will likely be rug sweeping and will cause further pain down the road. If over the next months you discover that she is willing to do all of these things then reconciliation May well be the best course for you and you may end up being very successful at it.

If her commitment and resolve wavers on these actions she needs to take, then the odds of you being successful in reconciliation drop off rather dramatically.

You will get through this whether you reconcile or divorce. You will come to a place where the pain is much less than it is now and you can have a healthy relationship with a woman again. If you want that relationship to be with your current wife then I hope for your sake she responds thoroughly and sincerely. If she does then you can offer the reconciliation with a clean conscience and work toward it yourself.

Hang in there.

Edit:

And yes, definitely contact the other betrayed spouse directly and reveal what you know. It is their right to have this knowledge so they can decide their own future. And any consequences this asshole suffers as a result, he earned.

[This message edited by Trdd at 10:13 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

You should DNA your kids. There is a chance they may not even be yours.

Hi, Pgapro. Welcome to SI.

I do love my wife

Do you really even know who your wife is? I'm sure you thought you did. At least until you found out. You love who you thought your wife was. But now she's shown you who she really is.

There's a quote we use a lot around here. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

I get that you're desperate to move on and for things to go back to normal. But that just doesn't happen. She has changed your marital history forever.

Yes, you should both be in IC. Avoid MC for while. You're still in shock after suffering some huge emotional trauma. You're going to need some time to process. The minimum timeline to recover from infidelity is 2-5 years. And that's only if the two of you are working hard at it.

Being lied to, deceived, and betrayed for 3 years is a very bitter pill to have to swallow. I think you should take a cold hard look at that before you offer reconciliation. You're wanting to hard to rugsweep it now. But my guess is that later on, after the anger kicks in, you may find that it's a dealbreaker.

I'm not saying you HAVE to D. But don't reward her with R so quickly after she stabbed you in the back for 3 years.

And I'm willing to bet that having sex just 10 times in 3 years is truly only the tip of the iceberg. Cheaters minimize everything.

Best of luck to you. Keep posting.

it sounds like your wife has given you a fair bit to work with, though always be aware that these people are, even just temporarily, deceitful.

my only advice really is to read and watch everything you can on infidelity. it wont be long before you have a real grasp of the situation. i felt up to speed within a couple of weeks or so.

look after yourself, practice self care. let that be your main focus as well as educating yourself. read about the types of affair, the different tactics that cheaters use, the stuff that goes through cheaters minds, read about fence sitters, rug sweeping, the 180, no contact to the OP, pick me dance.

you read time and time again "mistakes" (although there is no mistakes - the only real mistake that matters is the affair) that the BS made in trying to win back their partner in the early days, try and avoid these. all of these will become clear once you start reading deeper into your situation. post here - the advice here is awesome. people will steer you in the right direction. this is your safe space. we are all here for you as we have been through similar. my wife ran off with her affair partner and my life was reduced to rubble, so think yourself lucky that at least your wife is showing some signs of ownership.

Jumping into R upfront is a mistake. You can't fix this. It should be up to her.

They are always in self protection mode upfront.

30 % of your marriage was her with another man.

Take some time to think this through befor jumping in.

[This message edited by Marz at 11:12 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

Recovery is a two to five year process.

Definitely tell the OMW. Never believe the OM.

Take six months before you decide to divorce or

recover.

DNA required. You do not know if this is first

affair. All you know is that this is the first

time that WW got caught.

How did WW meet the OM?

Are all means for them to communicate blocked?

Do you have all access to all her phone and

social media to verify NC? This is a must.

Pgapro

Our children are old enough that a DNA test would not apply

Are you sure?

She cheated for 3 years, are you sure she hasn't been cheating for the entirety of your marriage?

She has admitted only to what you could prove.

If it was just sex to both of them, have you asked if you could reach out to his wife to ask if she would be interested in having "just sex" with you?

This should put the proper frame of reference in both of their minds.

Again I thank all of you for your input and support. Unfortunately this is my second marriage. My first one ended with my wife cheating on me with her boss and then leaving me. I had no children with her so it was an easy decision to move in. Still very painful but less complicated.

My current wife knew this and how badly I was hurt. She still made the choice to hurt me again. Much worse this time around.

I feel like I need answers but I don't know the questions. She has been very forthcoming to the questions I ask.... And believe me... I asked about every detail. Still she gives me the answer sometimes that she doesn't remember or can't explain to me why she did it. I almost feel like I know too much anyway.

She wants me to move forward together, but I don't think she realizes the damage she has caused. How can I ever be sure that she is truly remorseful?

On another note, I'm trying really hard not to let this effect my relationship with my kids (7/5yrs old) , but I know that I'm struggling with it.

Thanks again from my heart

One of the big premise here is that Waywards lie... a lot. When you read the replies to your thread, you will see the questioning. If you think about it, your WW lied to you for 3 years straight face and one of the biggest causality of Infidelity is trust. Some people end up D not because of the affair, but because of the ensuing lies and trickle truth.

Question everything she says.... it started as an EA but the OM said it was only sex? I bet your WW was in "love". They ended right after discovery? Chances are they are still talking.

He told his OBS? Don’ believe it. He moved out of country coincidentally when you found out? Are you sure?

Some of it might be true, but you now need to question everything. The more details you put about your story, the easier it will be for the SI people here to spot the discrepancies.

It’s hard to believe that she was in love for 3 years and it ended just like that. Do you have all her passwords?

Did you corroborate her story with what the OBS knows?

You need more information before you can decide to R or D.

Sending you strength... post often!

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 11:42 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

I've also been having jealous thoughts. Not of her being with him, but of all of the fun and excitement she got to experience with out me. Am I going insane? Should I cheat on her? Not to hurt her but, to get back something I feel like I'm owed. I know that this won't help.

My head is all over the place and can't stop obsessing about it.

A timeline is pretty important so your mind can work things out. It'll hurt, but knowing is better than living in a grey hell.

"it was a huge mistake, but couldn't stop it." Yup. That seems to be what happens. They get possessed with a sex demon for years. No honour.

Hang in there. We never expected all this, but we have to live through it.

PS. Go ahead and obsess. Who wouldn't.

Get fresh air, sunlight, gym, a good individual counsellor. Be outside if you can. Sit quietly with her outside - no words for an hour or more.

Let her see you cry, but stand firm without fear.

Cheaters lie a lot is correct. Take anything she says with a grain of salt.

First off it was not a mistake. It was a deliberate decision to cheat on you over and over again. She couldn’t stop it! Really! Such bullhockey.

Be vigilant. Watch her actions. Is she defensive when you ask questions or want details? Does she reach out to you when you trigger? Is she more consumed wallowing in he4 own shame and guilt or does she have empathy for the pain she has caused you? Just some things to watch out for. Good luck.