SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Why does having a conflict avoidant spouse lead to them cheatin?

Funny you should ask this, because my WW is a conflict avoider as well, and has anxiety. I believe both of them go hand-in-hand.

If I was to make a guess, I think the reason is that they don't know how to cope with problems very well. Rather than face them head-on, they put their head in the sand, which creates resentment. They start resenting their spouse, but still are too afraid dimension anything's going wrong.

Someone comes over and starts whispering sweet nothings in their ear, and they get that affirmation and validation. Ego kibbles as we like to call it here.

of course, that's just my theory. Might want to bring it up with your IC to get a better answer. All that I have the bases on is my own situation.

^ I concur with this. Banging strange is always the path of least resistance...at first. Plus double underline everything mentioned about burying their head in the sand and building up resentment.

My H is the conflict avoidant one in our marriage and he’s never cheated.

Yep, when there head is in the sand there ass is up in the air. Funny how the "conflicts" or "flaws" are open game after Dday. Oh boy will they be conflict avoidant before but after it's open game.

[This message edited by J707 at 8:43 PM, September 9th (Monday)]

BH, divorced. I hate conflict.

Probably only works for WW. Can't say no. Men have to initiate more. Less of an issue.

Because they never learned how to handle conflict in a healthy way. They see conflict as a personal attack - and not as an opportunity for growth. Conflict makes them uncomfortable - hurts their ego - often requires a person to confront deep seated issues.

Then along comes the AP and all the ego kibbles. They are told how wonderful they are - no need to change - they are perfect just the way they are. It is easier to believe the fantasy than to try to look within themselves because they often don't like what they find.

Conflict is necessary to air our true feelings.

Conflict avoidants fear conflict and stuff true feelings.

While full of resentments and irritations and hurts, they justify deserving those ego kibbles!

They often do not realize that they even have anger and resentments, so they don't realize they are countering those hurts with ego kibbles either. They frequently say things like, "I don't even know why I am doing this!" because they are so removed from their true feelings about things, usually coming from families where conflict and disagreement were not tolerated.

I can answer this one!

Ok...lets see how well I can type this out with vino in my system lol (please excuse, I've had a stressful few days and have finally let a liiiiiiiitle bit loose)

Okay, so, when we have a conflict avoidant person...this essentially tells us one very important thing about said person....

- They are looking for some form of validation from others and are literally willing to diminish their own sense of self for said external validation...whatever that may be...attention, love, being wanted, heard, seen...whatever it is.

So in order for someone to do such a thing like; 'say what others are willing to hear, and/or be willing to mute themselves to do the same'...they are literally practicing lying to themselves and avoidance to a magnitude that is ...well, extreme. They are sabotaging their own willingness to know themselves through cowering to others. And they are willing to be in this place for what? For whatever external validation they "need". Ok so that clearly reflects a 'not so happy' person, right? But for all intents and purposes they are their own enemy. They put themselves there...no one told them to. No one even intimidates them to such a place.

We are dealing with someone that's okay with cowering for acceptance, and avoiding conflict for acceptance, and as a result of the perpetual muting and lying they've done to themselves...they no longer have strength in themselves to even have a true voice anymore. This on top of the low worth they started with to create such a mess to begin with. They have essentially perfected the art of lying and creating characters for acceptance of some sort.

Then they get with someone who may perhaps be what they want but for whatever reason that they dont know that person they want still can't fulfill their happiness...they are still unhappy.

Then they cheat.

WOW.

Why?

Well, because this person has failed themselves their whole lives. They have given up their literal self-power to others for a sense of validation and worth...and as a result, they were left empty and wondering why..and left us carrying their shit.

So when the opportunity presents itself for them to gain their power back because they find someone they deem as "lower" than them that is willing to grant them that power, of course our conflict avoiding cheaters take it! Because now they finally have power over someone. Control over someone. Because they have never had someone like this person to the degree that they are on a pedestal this way with their power and control. This person sees them, cares about them, thinks they're a genius, or strong, or amazing, or whatever shit the AP told our cheaters that got their heads big. It's entirely ego boosting. When you've been cowering all your life, and have essentially lost yourself in the process, an ego boost to this magnitude can be like bait to a fish.

This was the case for my situation anyway..and in all honesty tomorrow I may re-read this and realize I could have posted it better at another maybe less vino time.

ETA: by no way am I implying that conflict avoidance causes cheating. I believe there are many factors involved. U healthy coping mechanisms learned. But conflict avoidance plays its role in that. IMO OwningItNow said it well.

[This message edited by maise at 9:40 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

IDK - both my WH and I are pretty conflict avoidant (hence our former communication problems) but he takes the absolute blue ribbon for conflict avoidance. Won't talk about anything. Would rather lash out in anger and say ridiculous shit that not even he could mean than have a reasonable conversation about anything difficult.

He was beaten as a child and at the age of 5 he starting having to "put down sick animals" on the farm he grew up on. It was a active livestock farm so there were quite a few to deal with. He was told to do it no questions asked from that age. Claims it doesn't bother him and he will defend his parents to the death. He was not abused and this was not an unreasonable thing to do. He was also taught to "shut up and take it" and that talking resolved nothing. His go to is to resort to being silent when there is a problem - be it the silent treatment or when he feels wronged. It's fucking wonderful.

And after reading Maise's post I'm wondering WTF is wrong with me as I have nothing to blame my conflict avoidance on anyone. Granted, maybe I'm just loathe to engage in something that doesn't matter much to me. If it matters, eventually, I will go there. My WH is screwed as the days of me avoiding conflict are long gone (which is why he dislikes me so much now I think).

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 10:48 PM, September 9th (Monday)]

Hi Thisissolonely!

I saw your response to my post and thought perhaps you aren’t so much in the category I was describing but maybe another post of mine may resonate with you more as the bs? I’ll share the link in case that’s accurate. But of course, we all have a different reality of what we are dealing with and why. I hope I’m helping and not hurting!

Having a conflict avoidant spouse doesnt automatically equate to cheating. There are plenty of conflict avoidant people who dont cheat. I van say the same for entitled and selfish people. Bot every selfish, entitled person cheats, but every cheater I knew was one or both. Bit I know plenty of those that aren't cheaters too.

Every case will be different. But conflict avoidance in my case was only half the equation. He also had selfishness entitlement and warped beliefs due to upbringing and environment.

So the conflict avoidance is where he justified it. If I did something that upset him he wouldn't confront me or say. He just allowed it and it gave him some resentment towards me. It was unresolved as I didnt have a clue. And then he would say well shes doing x y or z so it's ok if I have a bit of fun or massage my ego. He said he remembers a specific thing he was annoyed at and justified it as "well I'm doing this so I will let her do that" I said oh because I say or do things unknowingly that anger you it's ok to go a fuck some cheap tart? Hid face fell. Of course it's not when you say it out loud but he thought he was being quite noble avoiding conflict but using it against me. Entirely toxic.

It wouldn't have panned out that way if it wasnt for his shitty beliefs and entitlement. It was just a means of helping him give himself permission.

[This message edited by Tentwinkletoes at 12:53 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

What Nana said. That described my fch and his cheating perfectly.

Men have to initiate more. Less of an issue.

I'm not sure what you are saying here, Striver. I think you are saying that conflict avoidance only works for cheating women. If so, that is not true. I am most certainly not conflict avoidant. My fch is very much so. Worked well for him in setting things up for him to cheat.

Men have to initiate more. Less of an issue.

I'm not sure what you are saying here, Striver. I think you are saying that conflict avoidance only works for cheating women. If so, that is not true. I am most certainly not conflict avoidant. My fch is very much so. Worked well for him in setting things up for him to cheat.

I'm not the OP, but his quote did resonate with me, so I'll take a shot at it. Sex with a woman for men is almost always "conflict". It takes a lot of "conflicts" to get from "Hi" to "Come over and sleep with me" for most men. It's an active process and one that requires a lot of "putting yourself out there" for most men. If a man is truly conflict avoidant, it's going to be hard to parlay that into sex with a new woman because, except in limited instances, there's always conflict there. It's rare that a woman, in my experience, comes out and says "I'd like to have sex" where saying "no" would create conflict. Where tons of men will come out with that basic statement to a female AP, and to say "no" would be the way to create conflict. So a conflict avoidant woman will find herself having sex to avoid conflict a LOT more than a man will.

My WW is extremely conflict avoidant. While I won't go so far as to say she f**ked the AP to avoid having to tell him "no" and get into a conflict over it, it would also not be fair to say that didn't play some part of the role. I'm sure that would be some men in an A too, but I'd guess it's much rarer.

RIO - interesting last sentence. I never considered it before, but early on when the AP would be too forward I didn't like it but didn't say anything. I know that sounds a bit bat shit crazy but I kind of see what you mean. Maybe not to the extent you are saying, but there are components there.

Gunnut - I was conflict avoidant because I didn't feel worthy to fight for the things I wanted. And, I built resentments I never realized I had. Eventually, I got to mid-life wondering who I was, and feeling like I was not authentically myself. I hated my life and wondered how I got to that place when I thought I had been happy for so long. It's what happens when you bottle up everything and don't speak up. I thought it was my marriage, I started to feel like I didn't have the freedom to be who I was and I blamed my husband. Mind you, this was all partially not really seen or understood. I was depressed, and I was still trying to push this all down. Hard to describe but conflict avoidance was definitely one of my whys. It's been hard to change, a lot of trial and error, but I do maintain a lot of boundaries and speak up a lot more. I feel more in control of myself and my own journey rather than just trying to fill in and be what I thought everyone else wanted or needed.

Conflict avoidance plays a big part in many As, but it doesn't in itself predict who will be a BS and who will be a WS.

** Posting as a member **

Sex with a woman for men is almost always "conflict". It takes a lot of "conflicts" to get from "Hi" to "Come over and sleep with me" for most men.

My mind is boggled. On what basis do you speak for 'most men'?

I would probably react strongly even if you were to say you speak for most boys.

Please, speak for yourself. That's pretty much all any of as can do.

(signed) sisoon, being true to his tagline

My mind is boggled. On what basis do you speak for 'most men'?

I neglected to add "that I know" to that line. However, at the risk of raising ire, I think that it's pretty obvious that this is the case from a casual examination of society. I think that the strongest argument for this is the economic one, if sex was easy to obtain for men, there wouldn't be a market for female prostitution, just like there's no market for male prostitution (for women). There's no market because the "good" has no value, it would be like me trying to bottle and sell air to people walking the street, there's plenty of air, I can have as much of it as I want therefore, the value of air is 0 to me. Now, if you bottle air and sell it to someone heading underwater now you can charge for it because it's gone from "as much as you want, whenever you want" to a rare commodity.

The other argument I'd put forth is that there are 100's or 1000's of books out there for men on how to land and have sex with women. I'm not aware of a single book in the reverse direction, explaining to a woman how to "break down defenses" and have sex with a man. They don't exist, as far as I know, because there's simply no need for them; there are 1000's of books for women on how to get a man to commit, that's the valuable commodity to women, not sex.

Sex for me has always been conflict. I've never had a woman just ask me for sex. And I've never been successful is just offering sex to a woman. It's always been a dance, trying to figure out the right angle and the right things to say and talk about (hint, your latest victory in Fortnight is generally not it!). I wish it wasn't, I wish my interests and the women I'd dated/slept with was more closely aligned. But we just had different goals. And my goals, in an A with a conflict avoider, would lead to sex because to not have sex would put that person into a "conflicted situation". The way to avoid conflict in an A with me would be "just have sex". And I think, at the risk of generalizing, that's not entirely unique to me.

Sex with a woman for men is almost always "conflict". It takes a lot of "conflicts" to get from "Hi" to "Come over and sleep with me" for most men. It's an active process and one that requires a lot of "putting yourself out there" for most men. If a man is truly conflict avoidant, it's going to be hard to parlay that into sex with a new woman because, except in limited instances, there's always conflict there.

Unless you are like my WH and decide that instead of just trying to talk about the fact that you would like more sex you just start frequenting "massage parlors". Apparently the theory was hey, there's a problem but if I just handle it this way then outofsorts never has to know.....

To be honest with you I never had any idea how conflict avoidant my WH was until he cheated on me. Likely because I am also a conflict avoider and so was totally great with the lack of conflict in our relationship.

Unless you are like my WH and decide that instead of just trying to talk about the fact that you would like more sex you just start frequenting "massage parlors". Apparently the theory was hey, there's a problem but if I just handle it this way then outofsorts never has to know.....

Yes, that makes sense. He's avoiding conflict with you, and he's avoiding conflict over sex by paying for it. I could certainly see that being the case, that conflict avoidant men are more likely to use professionals. Instead of "fighting for it" and the conflict that entails, just diffuse it with money.

I'm not overly conflict avoidant, but I can see why people might do this, just avoid the difficult conversations and back and forth entirely. I stand by what I said earlier though, I think this kind of behavior would scare me, not because it's so deviant, just because it's too easy/available.