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General :
Enraged

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 Hdb93 (original poster new member #72247) posted at 10:53 PM on Wednesday, December 11th, 2019

Feeling overwhelmed with rage right now. My hands are shaking while I type. I keep going back and forth on whether to expose the AP. I have photos and videos that could destroy AP's marriage. I just don't know if I am thinking clearly. I find myself not wanting her husband to feel the way I feel. I wouldn't want the images that have been burned into my memory be burned into his. However, every fiber in my being wants her, the AP, to suffer.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2019   ·   location: OK
id 8480910
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AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 10:58 PM on Wednesday, December 11th, 2019

The AP's husband deserves to know. He won't be happy with you since there's a reason why we say "don't shoot the messenger", but he should know what kind of woman he's sleeping next to at night.

EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy

posts: 1069   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018
id 8480913
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CatsNTats ( member #66105) posted at 10:59 PM on Wednesday, December 11th, 2019

He deserves to know. They have exposed you both to STDs/STIs. And don't tell your WH before you do it. Just do it. He also deserves to know the truth so he isn't living a lie. Don't make him suffer through that.

Most on here will tell you that exposing the A is the quickest way to end the A. It brings them right out of that affair "fog".

Me:37 BW
Him:45 WH Deceased 10.20.19
Other D-Days: Feb 2016, August 2017, September 2018


If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's a duck.

posts: 331   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2018
id 8480914
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 10:59 PM on Wednesday, December 11th, 2019

Definitely inform the other betrayed spouse. He deserves to know the truth about his life. Tell him you have evidence/proof and let him decide if he would like to see it.

I'm so sorry you are here. Keep posting. Post your story in just found out forum if you are ready to share. We can help you. You will get through this.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 5:00 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4526   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8480915
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landclark ( member #70659) posted at 11:01 PM on Wednesday, December 11th, 2019

He deserves to know. I would tell him and offer to share the pictures and videos IF he wants them. He may not. You could warn him they’re graphic and will likely hurt a lot.

Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 TT through AugustOne child together, 3 stepchildrenTogether 13.5 years, married 12.5

First EA 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19. *ETA, contd an ea after dday for 2 yrs.

posts: 2059   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2019
id 8480918
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CatsNTats ( member #66105) posted at 11:02 PM on Wednesday, December 11th, 2019

Post your story and just found out if you are ready to share. We can help you.

What WTB said. Lots of great folks on here with lots of great advice and support. Please share if you are ready.

Keep us posted on how this goes Hdb93. You will be okay. Hang on tight.

Me:37 BW
Him:45 WH Deceased 10.20.19
Other D-Days: Feb 2016, August 2017, September 2018


If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's a duck.

posts: 331   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2018
id 8480920
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destroyed1 ( member #56901) posted at 11:02 PM on Wednesday, December 11th, 2019

do NOT send him the pics or vids, unless he asks for it.

Tell him you have that type of evidence, if he wants to see it.

Give him a choice

Feeling overwhelmed with rage right now.

Dont take it out on the OBS. They are a victim too.

[This message edited by destroyed1 at 5:03 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

Me - BH 51, 2 kids, married 30 yrs

The things that you want in life are impossible to achieve if your energy is flowing in the opposite direction.

posts: 1145   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2017   ·   location: southeast US
id 8480921
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CatsNTats ( member #66105) posted at 11:04 PM on Wednesday, December 11th, 2019

do NOT send him the pics or vids, unless he asks for it.

100% agree. But still inform him. Then if he wants the evidence - that is up to him.

Me:37 BW
Him:45 WH Deceased 10.20.19
Other D-Days: Feb 2016, August 2017, September 2018


If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's a duck.

posts: 331   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2018
id 8480922
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 Hdb93 (original poster new member #72247) posted at 11:08 PM on Wednesday, December 11th, 2019

Part of me wants to post the evidence all over her social media accounts. I hate how violent and cruel I feel right now...

posts: 7   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2019   ·   location: OK
id 8480924
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 11:11 PM on Wednesday, December 11th, 2019

You should inform her H ASAP but I would not publish anything. That could cause you issues on many levels.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8480928
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pearlamici ( member #67631) posted at 11:13 PM on Wednesday, December 11th, 2019

We understand that you don't want to hurt someone you don't know (that's why we usually don't fuck someone elses spouse) but this is not about revenge - this is giving someone information they should have about their own life. It is best coming from you. It is best not to tell your WS before you do it. You'll be okay - tell him the way you would want to receive this information (gently and like others have said - you have proof but that is up to him if he wants to see it).

~Bad marriages don’t cause affairs. Affairs cause bad marriages.~

posts: 457   ·   registered: Oct. 26th, 2018   ·   location: NY
id 8480931
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UneedToSmile ( member #72111) posted at 11:15 PM on Wednesday, December 11th, 2019

I called my WHs AP. I asked questions and told her off....it was useless. She continued to fuck my husband. Had she been married, I would’ve definitely told her spouse. Like everyone says, he deserves to know. I’d hate to be walking around blindly. I wouldn’t put anything on Social media, tempting as it is. I just think it will complicate your situation. So sorry you’re hurting!

Me: BS 42 years old
Him: Lying cheating narcissistic prick 43 years old
Married for 18 yrs, together for 20 total
Dday: August 19 2019
Divorced: June 12 2020

posts: 196   ·   registered: Nov. 18th, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8480934
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Jameson1977 ( member #54177) posted at 11:16 PM on Wednesday, December 11th, 2019

Totally understand the anger!

The other BS does absolutely deserve to know the truth. I wouldn't neccesarily send graphic material, just enough facts so he can make an informed decision. If he asks for the graphic material, that would be your decision.

I would definitely want to know, regardless of the pain it would cause.

posts: 833   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8480935
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 11:17 PM on Wednesday, December 11th, 2019

Tell him - but don't do it out of anger, do it out of compassion. He is just like you in this, an innocent. He deserves to know.

I called OBS very shortly after I found out. I had met him on a few occasions previously. Telling him wasn't easy, at first I kept it short. "Hi OBS, it's Emergent, Mr. Emergent's wife. I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you, but it has recently come to my attention that Mr. Emergent and your wife have been having an affair. Mr. Emergent has confirmed that this is true. From what I have been told, it started _____ and was ongoing until at least ____. I'm still reeling and sorting out more details but I thought you deserved to know. My number is ______ if you'd like to discuss it at a later time."

Being friendly with OBS was one of my most valuable resources at the outset. We were able to compare stories and coordinate to ensure we were getting the truth from our spouses.

We no longer communicate but I know I could reach out if I ever suspected anything in the future.

Do not post the pictures or videos without speaking to him first. You will lose all credibility with OBS if you do that. Worse, AP will be able to intercept before he finds out.

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2169   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8480936
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3greatkids ( member #69847) posted at 11:32 PM on Wednesday, December 11th, 2019

He deserves to know. Let him know what proof you have, so he can ask for it if he wants to.

There is not much worse then not having the truth about one’s life and affairs, especially when others have the information.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

You can’t get blood from a turnip...or remorse from a narcissist.

A lifetime of betrayals, not “just” 5.

I know my worth.

posts: 134   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2019
id 8480942
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whattheh ( member #40032) posted at 11:39 PM on Wednesday, December 11th, 2019

I would check your state's revenge porn laws before sending any photos or videos that might be covered under that. In my state the AP or my WH could have filed charges against me if they so wished had I sent out anything of a pornographic nature.

But it's definitely a good idea to make sure OBS is made aware of the A etc. if you feel it's safe to do so.

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:41 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

Retired & now in 60's-M 39 Yrs-DD 2013-TT for 3 yrs (new details incl there had been 3 more MOWs)--all this started with porn use for mid 50s WH (felt he was possessed)~~Cheating and aftermath is huge time waste with high opportunity cost~~

posts: 1547   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2013   ·   location: USA
id 8480943
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CatsNTats ( member #66105) posted at 7:03 AM on Thursday, December 12th, 2019

Hdb, more info on what has happened may help people on here to better advise you on what to do with the information you have. People can also give you advise on what direction to take and next steps to help you through this.

I know you are angry, but don't play all your cards and post it all over social media - chances are it will just be pulled and if it is of a graphic nature you may get in trouble. Distribution of certain things in certain areas may be considered a crime even if that is not your intent.

Me:37 BW
Him:45 WH Deceased 10.20.19
Other D-Days: Feb 2016, August 2017, September 2018


If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's a duck.

posts: 331   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2018
id 8481072
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 10:36 AM on Thursday, December 12th, 2019

Do not post the graphic content. The AP deserves to get some hurt but this could come back to bite you legally. My WS AP knows this was the reason I did not shame her. She knows I wanted to. She knows I was that angry.

Then she kept texting, calling my WS anyway even after knowing how upset I was. So why put yourself at risk over a broken person who is only thinking of themself?

If you want to contact other BS, do so without guilt.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2565   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8481090
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 12:02 PM on Thursday, December 12th, 2019

By all means, let the slut’s spouse know. Save the evidence should they ask for proof.

BW, 54 WH 53 When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2199   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8481111
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99lawdog99 ( member #42615) posted at 12:08 PM on Thursday, December 12th, 2019

I'd do it.

Me 54
WW 45
Married 25 years, together 27 WW's first and only til A
In R
"Sometimes we have to be knocked down to our lowest point so that we can reach our highest Level"

posts: 729   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2014   ·   location: pa
id 8481114
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