SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by Pinkivy111 at 1:42 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]

I regret a lot of things around leaving.

I regret letting him drive the nice car for so long.

I regret sharing the bills after finding out.

I regret going out to support him for his board exam.

I regret not taking more items of monetary worth with me when I left.

I regret not telling his entire family (I only told some).

I DO NOT regret leaving him. It showed his true nature. He should move heaven and earth to try to get back with me, instead he just cried and gave a pathetic I'm sorry.

I regret wasting so many wonderful years of my life and investing so much time and resources on him. He is a garbage human and continues to be one. If it were just a mistake he would have done everything in his power to prove himself a better human. Alas... He did not. And now he is with his garbage soul mate.

Only you can decide for yourself, but I can give some other perspectives for you to consider.

If you husband wants to work things out with you, he would have gone to IC and started doing the work on himself. It doesn't matter that you said you think you want to split... if he really wants to work it out and he really is sorry, he will do the work regardless. Because he will want to be a better person for himself, for you, for his future partner (if you decide to leave him).

Going to 2 IC sessions just doesn't cut it. For me, it doesn't even get real until about 4 sessions... and then the work begins, if you're trying to get better.

How can he be entitled to your business??? Definitely talk to a lawyer and get accurate information to protect yourself and your business.

A part of me wants to file and get it over with, and get out as easily as possible. But I don't want to jump the gun and make any decisions I'll regret. I'm also afraid because my biggest goal in life is to become a mom, if I leave I may never have the chance to do that or be able to trust again. But how can I trust him either? I'm a romantic at heart and don't want to end up alone. I know I'm young and I know I'm a catch, but I fear that I won't meet someone I have as strong of a connection with as I do/did my husband.

Do you REALLY want this guy to be the father of your children?? I thought my XH was awesome. When I met my current husband, I had the chance to see how much better my relationship could be. You don't know what you're missing out on until you've had a chance to experience it. You have plenty of time to meet someone and become a mom. Don't let your fears hold you back from a life you deserve.

I know my husband feels resentful and has mentioned how I am leaving him "over one mistake" after everything he's done for me. Am I not trying hard enough to make it work with him?

One mistake?!?! He had a 6 month affair! He didn't kiss someone one time at the bar. He had a full relationship - emotional and physical - with another person while married to you.

And he's the one who is supposed to be trying hard and doing the work... not you.

One thing that helped me to make better choices for myself - if he decides to do the work and we can work things out, we can get married again. Take care of yourself.

NO, not even a little bit.

I know my husband feels resentful and has mentioned how I am leaving him "over one mistake" after everything he's done for me. Am I not trying hard enough to make it work with him?

And this? This is a guy you want to leave 100%. "One mistake". Not a series of intentional choices to cheat on you. Just a "mistake". He doesn't get the enormity of what he did to you. At this point, it is profoundly not your job to try to make it work. It is your job to make practical choices to protect yourself. Any "work" is on him. Your job is all about what's best for you.

I'm at such a major crossroads, because we've been married for 4 1/2 years, and if we are going to split, it's in my best interest to file for divorce before we hit the 5 year mark, so we can get a summary dissolution which is much less work/expensive than a divorce. Also, I am a business owner and my husband feels entitled to 50% of the business which is in my name, and I do all the work for. At the 5 year mark, it will be much easier for him to fight for that/get 50%.

Don’t let hopium/denial cloud your common sense. He’s doing nothing to fix this. Words of a liar mean little.

Sounds like you are ripe for a repeat down the road. You want to go through this again with all the financial penalties that go with it??

Better wake up to reality.

My only regret is not leaving sooner.

I tried for 2 long years and he just shit all over it.

If I had a chance to do it all again, I would have dropped his was on d-day #1 rather than go through 2 more years of hell.

Also, I am a business owner and my husband feels entitled to 50% of the business which is in my name, and I do all the work for. At the 5 year mark, it will be much easier for him to fight for that/get 50%.

Have you consulted not only an attorney for your divorce, but your business attorney as well? I'd also have a chat with your accountant. It doesn't always matter if it's just in your name or that you are doing all the work - it can be considered a marital asset and valued in various different ways.

I had a huge long battle over my own business, so do make sure you know what you're up against no matter how you move forward. You might even consider putting some additional protections in place.

I have zero regrets leaving him by the way - even though it required a huge step forward alone. (And yes, I was one who had a zero remorse fence sitter who gave me mouth noises about doing everything to fix it). Even though it cost me a pretty penny to get out of that mess - it was so worth it.

My husband cheated straight after our twins were born, with my bff, 24 yrs ago,

second time was 10 ish yrs later, again with another bff,

Fast forward many more yrs, together for 26 yrs by this point, he had a ONS on his sons stag weekend, 18 months later I found his secret online profile on a swingers site. I still to this day don’t know how many he’s been with.

at this point he is in his 50’s with children the same age as the women he’s interested in & actively pursuing.

See the pattern? Serial cheats don’t change.

Your husband actively looked for an AP, he knew exactly what he was doing, it may of been his first rodeo, but are you 100% sure it will be his last?.

Yes I kicked my cheating Asshole out,

I like quotes to remind me of where I’ve been to where I am, & where I’m going.

1, New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.

2, Your relationships should make you feel Safe, Loved & Happy,

Not Tense, Scared & Anxious

I have zero regret dumping my serial cheating STBXWH!!

He didn’t do the work he needed to do, it was little to late when he finally attempted to.

Only you can decide what to do, either way I wish you all the strength moving forward.

If I had a chance to do it all again, I would have dropped his was on d-day #1 rather than go through 2 more years of hell.

I only did 9 more months after dday1, but this is the one thing I would change too.

And despite the time I will still need to process and heal from this crap, my life has been immeasurably better without him in it.

Exactly none regrets!

Pinkivy,

You have much to lose if you stay. I wish I would have left and wrapped things up much sooner.

- You lose out financially

- You lose more yrs with a cheater

- You may never get over this, and the trust is not the same.

- You get a tainted husband for awhile, not knowing if this person will burn you again. And if it does, now you're going to owe him 50% of your company.

- You really want to have kids with this man even after he cheated on you?

- What else don't you know about this cheating ways

Listen, you should file for divorce now. Just to protect yourself financially and still stay together with your husband if you want. The Divorce is justified b/c you are protecting yourself. He cheated, now you get to protect yourself from him if he ever cheats again. Another thing you can do is make him sign a post nuptial agreement saying that he will not touch your business or ask for any of it. See how he behaves. See how he acts. If he becomes an A--Hole, than you know you did right. If you does in fact change, theres nothing that says you cannot get remarried like others have on this site, and share the business with him.

I really regret not getting out sooner. And to boot if you get out sooner now you can save on attorney fees, which cost me over $100k.

Your best bet is to Divorce the guy, and see if he is willing to and can change during that period. You've given him 5 months and hes not done a thing, including only going to the IC 2 times.

YOur concern about not finding another person is overblown. You will find someone. Everyone always does. What you cannot do is to screw yourself financially, or be tied to this man by having a child with him in case he screws up again!!

You don't need a husband to have a baby. You need sperm. Any man's sperm will do. It can come out of a vial in a lab.

I would file immediately. Protect your business. You can always remarry later if he pulls his head out of his ass. But it doesn't sound like he ever will since his thousands of choices over the course of six months have been reduced to "one mistake" in his eyes.

Any human who would put a profile on a dating site while married has a character disorder. They don't get better. A 6 month affair is not one mistake. It probably took hundreds of lies to keep that a secret from you and 100s of choices to betray you - starting with putting up an ad!!!

You're young - get someone with character.

2, Your relationships should make you feel Safe, Loved & Happy, Not Tense, Scared & Anxious

You will never feel safe with him again after this.

I don't believe is staying in a M over finances. Do you? It is scary though isn't it? I also agree in looking at the losses if you stay. What would they be?

You want to be a mom? I am one so I get that completely. Here is the thing. Did I want to be a mom with someone who was cheating on me while I was pregnant? We were registering for baby items and getting the nursery ready. He was cheating on me. Getting a blow job from his employee. Having a ONS on a business trip. Did I want kids? yes. Did I want to have 3 with the man that would cheat on me again after we had our third who had not even started walking yet? No. I did not know he was a cheater until after the third child. Sure, you can be a mom and still be the W of a cheater. That cheater could then be her or his father. Have you looked at it that way?

Do you want to be a single mom if you can't count on him? It is even harder to face a financial future with 3 kids as a single mom. I think you are looking at this like the perfect future you are losing that may not turn out the the way you are seeing it with him. We do tend to imagine the best in our dreams. I do too. Dreams shattered is a huge loss. The dream I had was not to have kids with a cheater that would have sex with another woman then walk in our house and hug my kids and kiss me on the cheek.

He can keep his money. I would rather live with less. I would have preferred to have kids with someone that I could count on.

I get the pain of the choice. I think everyday of what I am giving up. What dreams have been broken and so on. It is even harder to leave after bulding a financial life and family together.

I regret every single day what HE did. By the way, your H's attitude does not sound remorseful or safe at all.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 4:56 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

I would also suggest you not compare yourself to those who had no choice. Isn't that the lowest of the low to leave for the AP? But also there are those men that want it all and never plan on leaving and cheat for years. It is not a mistake. It was a choice to lie and betray to everyone.

What would make him change? what work is he doing for that? Many WS don't want to lose their M simply because they are selfish

-I regret not listening to someone that told me he was just waiting to leave me until our youngest was of an age he won't owe much for child support.

-I regret believing his lies, participating in the manipulationship that was our life.

-I regret not seeing him clearly for the man he was, instead of the man I believed he could be.

-I regret wasting my life on someone that had no intention of being faithful, or spending a lifetime together.

-I regret all the things I gave up in life so he could follow his dreams. The lost opportunities to be loved, to have a career, and to find happiness.

-I regret making concessions in our settlement to make it easier for him to comply, and then he sued me with zero remorse.

-I regret many things, but I refuse to allow REGRET to keep me from enjoying the remainder of my life.

-

I have to say the odds were against my H and I reconciling.

However every day he did something to make amends. Whether I was in a hood mood or suffering the pain of betrayal.

He did everything he could.

And it worked. But he knew there were no guarantees but was willing to put in the effort anyway.

Unfortunately your H gave up and quit b/c he’s not that committed. He’s basically lazy. And will only do things if it works for him.

This merits a very emphatic "lol no"

Also these:

I regret not taking more items of monetary worth with me when I left.

I regret not telling his entire family (I only told some).

NO. I should have started the process on D DAY. Instead I am still wading through divorce almost 3 years later. I am getting better everyday. YOU deserve a life with peace and love. I hope you find this.

No one can make the decision but you. I am sending you HUGS.

I know my husband feels resentful and has mentioned how I am leaving him "over one mistake" after everything he's done for me.

Do you see how this is not even close to remorseful? He resents you for not sweeping it under the rug. He may *regret* what he did, but that is a far cry from being remorseful. Being remorseful means moving mountains to make him a safe partner again, one you can trust again over time. His actions (2 IC sessions?), or lack thereof, are telling you how he really feels. And remorse ain't it.

His use of the old cliche "it was *just* one mistake" is right out of the Cheater's Handbook. It is used to try to minimize their actions. There was no "one mistake" about what he did. It was a series of bad choices made over and over again with no regard for you. Selfish to the core.

I see nothing that indicates he is reconciliation material at this point. He's giving you nothing to work with!

Am I not trying hard enough to make it work with him?

Everyone has their own line in the sand, their own dealbreaker. If infidelity is one of yours, you owe no one an apology or explanation. It was a dealbreaker for many of us here (raising hand). You don't owe your WH any chances, nor do you need to justify your decision to D (if that's where you end up).

I told Xhole repeatedly through the years that cheating was always a dealbreaker. He would laugh it off. Ultimate joke was on me, though, because he was cheating the whole time. I got the last laugh when I kicked him out. I didn't discuss it, justify it, defend it, nothing. It was my right and I exercised my right. He had no say in it. I have NO regrets divorcing him. None. Zero. Zilch. His poor decisions are no longer my problem and a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

What I will advise is to be true to yourself. Whatever your gut is telling you to do, do it. Don't fall for his attempts to make you feel guilty. You ARE young, and have a lot of time to heal and find a partner that treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Time (that awful four letter word) really does do miraculous things.