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4 MONTH UPDATE AT BOTTOM OF POST

6 week update at bottom of original post

Original Post -

Hello everyone. Sorry that I have to be here with you all, but alas, I need your help.

My (M31) wife (F28) came clean about her affair 5 days ago. Of course there were signs that I ignored. We are high school sweethearts who have had an amazing life together. Together 14 years are married 5. We’ve lived abroad, moved across the county a few times, and have truly been each other’s best friend. Last year we moved from overseas back home for me to go to graduate school on a scholarship. On top of school I worked a second job to make the finances work. Needless to say I am not home very much.

In order to fill this void, she became increasingly invested in a new hobby. This hobby is male dominated and she had always wanted to try it so she fell in love with it over the last 18 months. Last month she left for an exotic location to train for this hobby for two weeks. I expressed my concern about not trusting other men around her, but eventually agreed that this was an amazing opportunity for her. When she came back, she wasn’t the same:

She started by telling me that she “didn’t think we should be married anymore” which sank my heart of course. I asked her WHAT? WHY? She said she hadn’t been happy for a long time and that she had been trying to tell me etc…(you’ve heard the story before). Eventually she said that she had been having an emotional affair with someone for about a year. I asked who, and she didn’t want to tell me, but I guessed correctly in my first try. This guy (M45) is known to be a bit of a flirt and the “party guy” of the group, paying for everyone’s meals etc.. I, of course, played the pick me dance, telling her that I want to work this out in therapy, and that I loved her etc..

Two days of no contact later she came home and admitted that she slept with him on the group’s trip. She noted that she was inebriated, but that she initiated the one night stand. She told me how she feels like a monster who doesn’t know whats going on inside her, and seems truly remorseful. As of now she is staying in an AirBnB.

She is being honest with me telling me shes not sure what is going to happen with her and the other guy. She says that hes not staying over at her AirBnB rental, and I haven’t had the courage to ask whether they are still having sex. I appreciate her honesty but it still kills me inside. I don’t think hes a special guy, she just latched on to whoever was giving her attention and affection in my absence.

What is so screwed up is that, although I don’t blame myself, I feel bad for her.I love her. I could probably work past this with some therapy and move on eventually if she takes the time to figure out why this happened. I have been reading books that have given me a better understanding of why women cheat.

She cheated on me, and yet I am the alone one, willing to work it out.

We’ve agreed to not make any long-term decisions at the moment, but if she’s still seeing this guy, I’m not planning on waiting around too long for her to snap out of the “fog”. We are both starting IC next week.

My Question is: Am I an idiot for thinking she’ll ever come around to the idea that our marriage was not perfect, but honestly pretty good? I truly believe that our lost connection was temporary due to seeing each other less. I graduate in 5 months and I’m not sure what to do with my life afterwards.

Thank you all.

Update 3/23/20

First, I want to thank all of you amazing people here on SI. Reading back through my comments makes me cringe, I have come a long way in 6 weeks. You gave me the tough news that I didn't want to hear. It helped me prepare for the inevitable, I will be forever grateful.

We met on Thursday after 5 weeks of NC. Ive come to realize a few things over the last month and change. First, during that time I had found out shes still with him, never stopped. A mutual friend saw that her AP was staying over at her apartment most nights. Not surprising as I found out that at 45, he still lives with his parents I told my friend thank you for telling me but I don't want to hear about how she is doing anymore.

We talked for a few hours, yelled at each other, cried a bit, and laughed a bit at how dumb she's acting. It was an odd experience, not how I pictured a divorcing couple acting. She said that she realized back in October/November that she had feelings for him, but the attention felt so good she didnt want to stop. I guess thats honesty. She admits that its not fair to me, that there's really nothing I could have done to get her to stop. She just started therapy last week (really dragged her feet on that one) so I wont take anything she says seriously. If she wants to be with him shes an adult and thats her choice. She'll wake up one day knowing she made a huge mistake, she definitely cheated down. I am thankful for the confidence I have to be able to realize that.

At the recommendation of the people here, I quickly told everyone we know what she did. Im SO GLAD I did, she cannot handle it. She tells me "its not their business" but I just laugh in her face because she cant come to terms with the truth. She left me, her 14 year life partner, who shouldered so much burden for her, who worked a second job to pay her student loans, for some old loser who showed her attention. She truly tossed away a diamond to pick up a rock. Thats the reality, and she cant come to terms with other people finding out. Its been quite entertaining to watch the dissonance in real-time. She still blames me of course, but im not having that. She thinks that the reason she "left me" and the reason she cheated are two separate things. Like if somehow she could just tell people how unhappy she had been, that would explain everything I told her she's lost the respect of everyone she knows, and the only way to get it back is to own what she did and apologize.

Its been a shitty month, but I have reconnected with a lot of friends that I hadnt talked to in a long time. My support network has been absolutely unreal, staying up late to let me talk on the phone just to hear me vent. Thank God for them. Lots of women have come out of the woodwork now that im single, and although it feels good to be wanted, im not worried about that right now. Right now I need to worry about being okay with being alone. Ive never been alone in my adult life, and I need to learn how to put myself first for a while.

Ive decided to move back home to California after I graduate in July (currently in the midwest). Thats where I was happiest, and where my support network is. I'll be 32 next month, with no money, no job, no debt (she had a ton of student loans), and no partner. Its truly new beginnings for me. I'd be lying if I said I wasnt a bit scared, and a bit excited.

Thank you all for everything you will do. Hopefully I can hang around and contribute like all you have for me. If there are any particular questions you have feel free to ask.

- A man apart

My question for now - Should I make her file for divorce so she suffers a bit during the process, or should I just do it and get it over with? Its uncontested, so pretty much just an online form from the county.

4 MONTH UPDATE

Sometimes I just have to laugh at the absurdity of 2020, and were not even halfway through!

STBXW and I have been NC for 3ish months. Divorce papers have been filed (uncontested) and our hearing is scheduled for June 19th. In theory, it should all be over soon.

I have been doing much better overall. The quarantine, as much as I hate it, made me stay home and just get used to being alone. Now I actually enjoy my alone time. I have a very productive and healthy routine that I stick to on weekdays while working for home. I have been on 8 or so dates with an amazing new woman who is thrilled to be with me, and it feels really good. I have been honest about my situation and she has been very understanding. When I have my bad days (usually triggered by a dream) I tell her that I need a little space that day and she is very understanding.

Yesterday, after 3 months NC, my STBXW texted me saying “Hey! I just wanted to make sure everything is okay with you. If you want to talk with someone, I am here for you.” For some reason, this message really fucked me up for lack of a better term. Im sure most on here can relate, I felt sadness, anger, confusion, everything. I had a few replied written out but deleted them all and deleted the text. Today I am glad I did. Then again today, after I texted her about some logistics (I kept getting emails from our old bank) she said again “Sorry about that. I understand if you don’t want to talk, but if you do just know that I am here for you.” Again, deleted and no reply. No contact really is the only way to go. Its natural for me to want to read into these messages; I think to myself “maybe things with old man dipshit are finally falling apart” or “maybe she has something she wants to tell me” or “maybe she heard Im seeing someone else.”

Anyways, thanks again for everything! Everyone said she would eventually try to crawl back into my life but I didn’t believe it. And here we are.

[This message edited by Amanapart at 12:24 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday)]

Amanapart - I am so sorry you find yourself here. Your story is so similar to mine (but without the physical aspect) but I'm the one that moved out as he lives with his kids at our house and I didn't want to disrupt their lives further (they are not my children). Firstly, you are not a fool for thinking this. Based on my time spent on these boards, many people think this. Hell, check out my posts, I'm thinking it about my own situation. But I've also learned that the early days/weeks/months after DDay are incredibly volatile emotionally so you are going to be up and down constantly.

Secondly, I don't have too much advice to give you as I'm still in the early stages of this as well and am still just trying to sort it all out; but this site is helping me enormously, if for no other reason than I know I'm not alone and I know so many people on here have been through what we are going through and can provide sympathy, support and a (virtual) shoulder on which to cry.

Finally, I've been told time and time again that I will get through this. I hold onto that even during the darkest of days. Hopefully you can too.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 2:41 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

First question, any kids? If no, cut bait.

Is the hobby CrossFit or any form of MMA? If so, sign the Divorce papers ASAP.

What books are you reading?

No you are not a fool but you probably haven't really come to terms with everything. Everyone wants their marriage to last and to work.

What you really need to try to do is objectively ask yourself why you want to stay in the marriage?

Then, try and listen to the advice you are going to get here. You will not want to do a lot of it. Everyone's path is slightly unique but the people that have walked that path before are very wise and will give you your best chance and getting what is best for you.

"First question, any kids? If no, cut bait.

Is the hobby CrossFit or any form of MMA? If so, sign the Divorce papers ASAP."

No Kids, not MMA but similar.

"What books are you reading?"

So far I've read

"Getting past the affair"

and

"Women’s Infidelity

LIVING IN LIMBO

What women really mean

when they say,

“I’m not happy”

Michelle Langley

The second was really helpful for understanding what was happening to her.

"What you really need to try to do is objectively ask yourself why you want to stay in the marriage?"

I guess its because I understand why this happened. Not justifying it. I realize that she was going through a hard time, she made a mistake, has been honest it. I am not ready to throw away the life we have built together.

So your WW who stabbed a dagger thru your heart & forcibly initiated a ONS, has lied to you for the past year & re written the M history tells you that the POSOM is not staying over at the Airbnb and you believe her word. You know that when WS moves out it is most likely to continue test driving the AP.

Just ask her straight out if she is still fucking the POSOM, when it started (could have been an EA for the past year until their planned exotic location sex fest), come clean on how many times & where. I think this was an exit affair. Your young best to clean the slate & start over leave all the crap behind you. File for D and have her served at her Airbnb pad. Time to take control of the sitch instead of waiting on her. She's the one who cheated if she had any real remorse she would bend over backward for a chance at R.

Also is the POSOM married if so do your best to inform his W. Get tested for STD's as your only going by what a liar has told you.

Sending strength

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 3:17 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

Amanapart

We’ve agreed to not make any long-term decisions at the moment

It seems to me by this statement

shes not sure what is going to happen with her and the other guy

that she has already made a long-term plan for herself.

She gets to decide which of you she wants to be with while you are just trying to hold yourself together.

She said she hadn’t been happy for a long time and that she had been trying to tell me

If she was not happy and didn't tell you then that, just like the affair, is on her.

She cheated on me, and yet I am the alone one, willing to work it out

Please consider taking this off of the table for now.

Two days of no contact later she came home and admitted that she slept with him

It may have been the no contact with you that made her see what she might lose.

Consider giving her a little more of this treatment. It might help you figure out what you really want to do.

"Also is the POSOM married if so do your best to inform his W. Get tested for STD's as your only going by what a liar has told you"

He's not unfortunately or I'd blow up his life. She told me that it was only an EA for a year, and a one night stand. I dont think he stayed the night over there because I drove by late every night to check.

"It may have been the no contact with you that made her see what she might lose"

Unfortunately I dont think this is the case. Her sister (who I spoke with) told her to be an adult and come talk to me.

I realize that she was going through a hard time, she made a mistake, has been honest it.

No. This is no mistake. This is a calculated decision to cheat.

A mistake is an action taken, with a unintended result, like locking the keys in the car, buying 2% milk when the grocery list says 1% milk, etc.

Your WW made several decisions and choices before another man's penis "mistakenly" entered her vagina.

This means that she is accountable and responsible for her actions and behavior even if under the influence of booze. Let's put it this way, if she was drunk and drove a car, crashed into another car and hurt someone she is still responsible. Same with infidelity.

Stop making excuses for her immoral behavior. She needs to figure out why she thinks its a good idea to have sex with another man while married to you. This is going to take some individual counselling on her part.

You need to decide if you want to be with a woman who has no problem fucking someone else. If it were me, I would seriously look at other options.

Hi Amanapart, sorry you find yourself here. Have a read around a few of the stories on here. You will notice a that most cases of infidelity have lots of similarities. One of the universal truths about a wayward is that they will lie and minimise.

The only reason that your wife is living in an airbnb is to conduct an uninterrupted relationship with her new guy. You should take that as a fact (I am sorry to say).

For reconciliation to be successful she will need to have zero contact with her lover and she will need to be transparent with her phone/computer use. That is the absolute minimum requirement. She will also have to return home so you can watch her closely.

If she refuses to do these things then you should expose her and file for divorce.

Who is driving this train, you or her?

Who loves the most?

Who controls the most?

Who is willing to burn it down and walk out?

Which end of that power dynamic do you want to be on?

When things get hard, sometimes you just have to set feelings aside and take charge of your own outcome. You own you. Don't let a WW control your outcome.

Firstly, you have to get it out of your head that she made a mistake. She planned this encounter, no doubt. They probably "met" on some group chat and hit if off from there. I don't buy that this was a one night stand.

And if she's out of the house she is almost 100% still fucking this guy. It's her fucking hall pass. She gets to test drive him while you stay at home and keep things stable. AKA you are her plan B.

There's a saying we often quote around here: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the 1st time."

No kids? File and never look back. Sorry you're here, man.

"The only reason that your wife is living in an airbnb is to conduct an uninterrupted relationship with her new guy. You should take that as a fact (I am sorry to say)."

^This I know.

"For reconciliation to be successful she will need to have zero contact with her lover and she will need to be transparent with her phone/computer use. That is the absolute minimum requirement. She will also have to return home so you can watch her closely."

^She hasnt verbally expressed any want for reconciliation. Im hoping her therapist will knock some sense into her. But I wont hold my breath.

What's really tough about your situation is that this is a First Love and you don't have any other frame of reference to imagine a life with someone else. But here's the thing...

She is being honest with me telling me shes not sure what is going to happen with her and the other guy.

That's unacceptable. So, my best advice to you would be to take what she's saying as a rejection of the marriage and act accordingly. It takes TWO to reconcile, and both have to want it badly because it's really difficult to do. For her part, she would have to repair what's broken in her character which allows cheating to be a choice. People who truly believe in faithfulness don't just abandon that belief. And it doesn't matter what you did or what the AP did, her belief either stands or it doesn't. And clearly, faithfulness is not among her core values. It takes a lot of very painful, introspective work for a WS to repair that gap in their character, and right now, your WW still thinks she's in the catbird seat deciding between two lovers.

Walk away. If her marriage is important to her, she'll follow. And if she doesn't, you'll be free to find a more emotionally mature partner. Beware though, this IS a first love situation. If your WW doesn't resolve her emotional immaturity and character defect... she'll idealize your relationship over the course of time and come after you anyway. Believe me, if that happens, you'll want to take a pass on it.

It's not impossible that she could turn this around, step up to the plate, do the work, and become a good partner. But you shouldn't settle for anything less than that.

Strength to you.

Thank you ChamomileTea

Do you know for sure the OM is not married ?