SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am considering a revenge affair. I am in communication with two prospects. One who lives out of state and another who lives close by.

If you have had a revenge affair can you provide pros and cons.

Also if there are posts on this topic that I should read please list here I am new here this is my first post.

Sounds like a dumb idea that will only complicate things more.

The day after D-day, I was in a not-very-pleasant conversation with my then soon-to-be-ex-wayward-wife.

I was in the full-blown shock, deep pain, despair, anger, sadness, anguish, and all the other emotions that this ultimate betrayal brings.

At one point during that conversation, she said the following words to me, her husband, verbatim: “Why don’t you go out and fuck some one?”

It was surreal.

She said this, and as I was looking at her, I was thinking, “I am married to this person and we have children together.”

There were specific, targeted reasons she said this to me and wanted me to act on it - and it was not out of guilt and wanting me to be able to “get even”.

Had I “went out and fucked someone”, she would have taken that act, weaponized it, and then used it against me by then saying “Why are you giving me shit about what I did when you are no different than me?”

What would have been worse, is that she would have told our children, “See, your father did the same thing I did.”

And she would have been correct.

I never even considered it no matter how hurt and angry I was.

I made vows - and I value my integrity, honor, and dignity far more than my being able to fuck someone.

My self-esteem is not based on how many women want to have sex with me - I know my value.

So, I steamrolled through divorcing her ass, and then after the divorce was final, have dated, had relationships with, and had sex with as many women I’ve wanted to - with my integrity, honor, and dignity all intact.

And, I can look at my children in the eyes knowing that I am nothing like their mother and they can look at me knowing that I kept my word.

It really doesn't help anything. It's like throwing gasoline on a fire. As the saying goes, "Two wrongs don't make a right". It might look like a reasonable option at first glance, but once you cross that line, once you commit the act, you can never undo it.

Mickie500

I am considering a revenge affair. I am in communication with two prospects. One who lives out of state and another who lives close by.

If you are considering this then I would suggest that you just break up with your WW. Affairs are not only painful actions that are inflicted upon the betrayed, they are also indicative of poor morals and principles via the WW. In order to have an affair you have to, at the minimum, not care about inflicting damage onto another person - one you used to love, who you are actively deceiving.

Is that the type of person you are?

If you have had a revenge affair can you provide pros and cons.

Also if there are posts on this topic that I should read please list here I am new here this is my first post.

I have not had a revenge affair and I would not.

Not cool. You're treating another person like an object to use. They deserve better than that.

Human beings are not toys that you use to make yourself feel better or to spite your WS. Be a better person than that.

And how do their wives, or girlfriends, feel about all of this?

Sounds like your already in two emotional affairs. Do yourself a favor and divorce.

Mickey, it changes you. You become'that type of person'..

And you know that is not who you are..

Be true to yourself.

It seems you are still in infidelity. Do whatever you need to do to get out.This only puts you further in.

On the top left hand corner of this page is the 'healing library'. There are plenty of articles in there that would be beneficial for you to read.

Although this pandemic restricts movement, you need to seek IC when you can, to help you through this.

Remember, you are a person of value and integrity. A 'tree hugger'..

Don't let this change you.

If you are unable to sustain your values in your current situation, then work through the why's and change those.

Your goal is to get out of infidelity.

I don't know how to quote per poster so I'll address all within this thread.

I am not understanding the phrase "you are still in infidelity" I never cheated on my husband and now I'm considering a revenge affair. I have not met with the prospect who lives here. I did meet with the prospect who doesn't live here in my city....and besides a few hugs and touches we did not go any further.He actually said to me that I was not built for infidelity. He says that he didn't want to be the one associated with me betraying my husband for the first time....I get the feeling that if I had stepped out on my husband before and had several affairs he would be okay with starting up. He says there is a reason I have only had sex with one person for 20 years.

I feel stuck in limbo of wanting to forgive and trust again but feeling like I feel like he was able to engage in the excitement of something new while I was sitting home being faithful.

We are reconciling. We are both in IC and marriage counseling. I am stuck and he is waiting on me....and I'm stuck.

I don't know how to quote per poster so I'll address all within this thread.

I am not understanding the phrase "you are still in infidelity" I never cheated on my husband and now I'm considering a revenge affair. I have not met with the prospect who lives here. I did meet with the prospect who doesn't live here in my city....and besides a few hugs and touches we did not go any further.He actually said to me that I was not built for infidelity. He says that he didn't want to be the one associated with me betraying my husband for the first time....I get the feeling that if I had stepped out on my husband before and had several affairs he would be okay with starting up. He says there is a reason I have only had sex with one person for 20 years.

I feel stuck in limbo of wanting to forgive and trust again but feeling like I feel like he was able to engage in the excitement of something new while I was sitting home being faithful.

We are reconciling. We are both in IC and marriage counseling. I am stuck and he is waiting on me....and I'm stuck.

and besides a few hugs and touches we did not go any further.

If your husband had stopped at “a few hugs and touches”, would you still feel that he cheated on you?

You’re “reconciling” but you are hooking up with other men?

You are still in infidelity because you are cheating.

Why don't you tell us all the details from the beginning? It's hard to give great advice about what you should do without all the context. That means, what your husband did, how you found out, what you know, and what the last few months has been like?

In general, a revenge affair takes the most important thing a BS has and throws it out the window: their integrity. You will no longer be able to process and work through *anything* WH did to you in the same way, because you will now have done it to him.

"A few hugs and touches" = already crossing a line. Sorry. You may feel "justified," but this is not innocent behavior.

Totally fine to want to have sex with another man. You should separate from your husband and be on track for D if you're going to do that, though.

Also: any guy who knows you're married and that your husband wouldn't like this and would sleep with you anyway is a huge piece of shit.

We here tend to use the word affair to mean different things. One is the full blown love affair, but I don't expect that is what you are after.

Another is the just sex fuck buddy type. Not sure if you are up for that, but I can assure you that your H will not want R if and when it comes out. If you want R this is a wildly bad idea.

Finally, the is the one nighter. If that is what you are thinking, you won't get anything but self loathing.

So the real question is what would you do if you follow through. Rub his nose in it? A real M killer move.

Keep it as your little secret to feel smug? To be even? All that does is create false R.

And lastly, a std or unwanted pregnancy will nuke everything.

See where I'm going with this? If you want to live the single life again, get a divorce. Bringing another into the relationship is the last thing to do if you want to stay married.

Be the better person.

It will just hurt you both.

Not a smart plan. It will not take the hurt away.

Going through reconciliation is so hard. This recovery process is excruciating! I didn’t ask for this and I need some relief. I can’t stop the intrusive thoughts or ruminating. ID-Day was 12/2019 with a second DDay 2/3/2020. He has begged and is actively doing everything to get better. (Marriage counseling, individual counseling, currently enrolled in marriage rebuilding course, answers all my questions, given me access to phone and email). Anything I ask for he gives and I still don’t feel satisfied and soothes enough to trust/forgive.

How long will it take——I’m miserable.

SI does not condone affairs of any kind, revenge or otherwise.

The discussion may continue as to the consequences of RA’s, however encouragement of engaging in a revenge affair will not be tolerated as this site is about healing from infidelity.

How long will it take——I’m miserable.

The general consensus is that it takes at least 2 to 5 years of intense work by both BS and WS.

One thing I will say is that it certainly takes a LOT longer than a couple months past your last DDay.

Anything I ask for he gives and I still don’t feel satisfied and soothes enough to trust/forgive.

You may find that nothing is ever enough. It's not your fault, you didn't ask for it, and it absolutely sucks.

But that's a reality you may have to face.

I’m sorry if this post is unacceptable. I’m a betrayed spouse, a wife, who wanted advice about a path I thought would help me. Will it be deleted?

My d-day was also in December. We are still so fresh from finding out, I know how exhausting the emotional rollercoaster can be. My anger has been all consuming some days, and I too have had those thoughts about “evening the score.” I just know, that deep down, that is absolutely not who I am. I am not an adulteress. My WH chose to be an adulterer, and that’s something he gets to live with for the rest of his life. I personally feel I couldn’t handle that burden.

Just know, you aren’t alone in having these feelings. I do suggest that you don’t act on anything, even communicating with other men, until you are in a much better headspace. I know I am a mental basket case over here, and shouldn’t be making any huge impactful decisions for a while.

Also, remember he is responsible for his character, and you are responsible for yours. Best of luck.