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I have always wondered what makes an AP want to tell the BS every detail once things start to shift. It has happened too many times when the relationship starts to wither or things go south, I have seen this with women...all of a sudden this solidarity. My best friend after years of dating a married man, which she knew from the start was married, ended up texting and spilling every detail to the man’s wife.

She said the exchange went well and it allowed the wife to connect the dots. It also gave her insight into what the real role he was really playing at home, opposite of what he was telling my friend. She said she could gauge that the wife was hurt and shocked but She said she was glad she told,

I questioned the timing as she had protected him so much during the affair. The couple were in the mist of reconciling and I can imagine The details she shared would seem to be something that would put a strain or set back to it. I’m sure there are thoughts and feelings that were not originally there, on top of the hurt she was trying to get over.

She said she had no ill intent, but I questioned why not before the end or the shifting of their affair. Would she had been willing to share had the wife not intercepted her initiating contact, after the husband expressed he wanted no contact to my friend the AP....To work on his marriage

It just got me to thinking if women were really looking out for each other, why do they all of a sudden get a conscience and want to disclose details, leaving the wife floored at the words and actions of a side of a husband she had no clue about. Where is the remorse during the affair?

I think the only reason the mistress tells all is to get back at the WS. Remorse, no. Just go nuclear and blow more shit up. Especially when it didn't go the way she thought it would.

Of course I am basing this off my experience when the mistress finally told me everything.

He did her the same way as he did me. Even on confrontation day, I told her how it would be and she didn't believe me until almost a year later.

Luckily for me, divorce proceedings had already been started and she was pregnant with the EX baby while her hubby was deployed.

Oh well. It sucked to be her.

It is a self serving reason yet the cheater or OW blabs to the spouse.

Maybe be they want to get even or ruin the cheating spouse”s life. Maybe the OM/OW are hoping the spouse throws the cheater out so the affair partnered can be together.

Whatever the reason it has nothing to do with the betrayed.

My WH AP was hoping if she gave me some nasty details I would throw him out. She was hoping for an exit affair and had to stay with her BH instead.

Yeah, I think if the AP felt solidarity with the BW, she would not have had sex with a married man in the first place. In my case, the AP wrote me an e-mail in which she blamed me for the affair for not having enough sex with my husband, complained that I had destroyed hand made items she made my husband, and told me that she loved my H. and that he loved her. She chastised me for fat shaming and slut shaming her. She also lied and said that they never had sex. She told me that "all three of us are to blame for what happened".

I tend to be "too nice" and then get angry later. In my case, I actually apologized to this woman for fat shaming and slut shaming her. There's a long thread in Just Found Out, in which the group members really helped me to disengage and stop making the situation worse.

Your spouse is the one who betrayed you, but the AP's motive is never going to be to help you. In my case, I suspect that she thinks that she still gets to share a secret with my spouse and that she may try to use this "secret" in the future to manipulate him into restoring contact.

No good can come of engaging with the AP. I wish I had blocked her on my e-mail immediately to prevent this final act of aggression toward me.

I am ws. The only reasons as it has already been stated would be for self serving.

-they may think it will eliminate their guilt

-they may want revenge on your husband for dumping them

-they may think you will dump the hiuenlband and in their mind you are the only obstacle. Which is really stupid.

-they want to know what is happening so they are trading information for information

-they like chaos and feel the draw to continue to insinuate themselves into your relationship.

I would have dreams where I would find myself in a situation where I somehow would have to be with both of them for various reasons. Always unpleasant. It was my subconscious showing me my guilt on that end of things. If I had ever reached out it would have been an apology but I do not have illusions it would alleviate my guilt in the matter.

I received a long email from the COW after dday and after my WH officially ended things. She had my contact info for a long time and threatened my WH with contacting me many times but never followed through - I think because she didn’t want him mad at her more than anything. She knew if she contacted me, he would end it with her. Her email was almost an apology but was full of justifications and how my WH was so great and would do everything he could to fix things. Wtf? She also spent days texting me trying to commiserate with me on our shared misery.

She was a selfish idiot, she may have felt guilty at some point, who knows? It didn’t stop her from reaching out to him numerous times after it ended because she was so broken hearted that he didn’t leave me and our kids when he was clearly so miserable.

I think most OW reach out because of the whole woman scorned thing more than anything. Maybe some have an epiphany and decide to be a better person if they know the WH is still lying. I don’t know. I still wonder sometimes how in the world I got to this place and how I’m posting right now about this nonsense that actually happened in my life.

I think the only reason the mistress tells all is to get back at the WS. Remorse, no. Just go nuclear and blow more shit up. Especially when it didn't go the way she thought it would.

I refused to have contact with WHs AP.

AP had others contact me. Some wanted to plead her case, others threatened me with harm if it blew back onto her...

I called the AP A man made nuclear disaster.... she was just like Chernobyl... radioactive, harmful and deadly. A deliberate act of destruction and cover up.

See natural disasters are a fact of life. Mother Nature is not vindictive, she just is...

Previous APs wanted to get back at my WS by telling me all and making H look even worse. She even introduced my STBXH TO her STBXH... An exchange of great minds I am sure. Actually AP wanted her STBXH to be jealous. My STBXH has a few very expensive cars which she loved.

The last AP was completely and utterly crazy sending messages to my STBXH to read to me. She also claimed that I contacted her, which was untrue. I had no desire to even know who she was... a mutual acquaintance told me she is a “fucking bimbo!!!” I respected this acquaintances opinion, he was straight forward, level headed and reliable so that’s all I needed to hear. She is perfect for STBXH but he doesn’t want her anymore...

[This message edited by LadyG at 7:37 PM, May 4th (Monday)]

I think it's sour grapes. If the AP "suddenly" wakes up and sees her MM isn't actually her KISA, but was just using her for sex? Well then. Time to respect #girlcode and tell the wife what a piece of shit he is.

For some APs, the appeal of the A is the sense of command, the idea that they're so desirable that they have the secret upper hand over the oblivious wife. When it all falls apart and the WS chooses the marriage, that delusion blows to bits. Telling the BW all the details -- whether lording it over her or expressing crocodile tears sympathy -- is a way of trying to regain that control.

I'm ashamed to admit that I was one of these WWs. There was no OBS in my case, but OM had a female friend I didn't like. I felt a lot of satisfaction from manipulating him into dropping that friendship once we got involved. I loved having the power to snap my fingers and make her disappear. It was very hard to unpack that, and to face how eager I was to do things that destroyed my BH in exchange for a cheap display of dominance over a woman who really had nothing to do with me.

I believe there is some truth to the mistress revealing “the truth” about the affair. The affair doesn’t go as planned so she’ll blow it up, make it look like WS is a terrible person and the mistress is a victim and they aren’t to blame for any of it. When the mistress knows about the WS other life, she didn’t give a shit about you back then, so why would she care about you now after you’ve found out about the affair? After you blew her fantasy too? That she was “winning” with an unavailable man. I was appreciative of details the mistress told me but some of the things she told me just didn’t make any sense, there were definitely loop holes. In my case, my WS and his mistress were two extremely selfish people. Only caring about themselves and what the affair would do for their needs and wants. So once the fantasy has been popped, it was half truths and trying to protect an image that what they were doing wasn’t wrong. They were both using each other for their own selfish reasons not expecting REALITY to ever smack them in the face. You can only run from the truth of your shitty life for so long. The devil might win many battles but he will never win the war.

My WHs AP was always desperate to talk to me to tell me the ‘truth’.

She pushed me once to ask questions.

I wouldn’t.

It would have been HER TRUTHS and they were insignificant to me.

It had nothing to do with her being a decent person. It had everything to do with her trying to lord ot up over me and have power and control. Funny that now she’s with someone else, she hasn’t bothered reaching out to speak her truth. This would be the point where she could atone for the pain she caused my children and I, but she doesn’t. It’s because she couldn’t care less about the devastation she left behind.

Self serving, ego driven motives ALWAYS!

I questioned the timing as she had protected him so much during the affair. The couple were in the mist of reconciling and I can imagine The details she shared would seem to be something that would put a strain or set back

STBXH told AP that he wanted R with me... AP was determined to stop that... AP was banking on our D.... she’s been there several times before.

AP introduced H to her entire family in a surprise family gathering at her home... H was ambushed. They had stalked him, me and our children on FB and grilled him about his intentions...

I was completely in the dark about the AP.

AP even complained that they never went out in public. She wanted my life...

Despite my STBXH being a NARC he loved to show me off in public... wine, dine, exclusive resorts, flashy cars. Little did she know that I paid for the lot.

AP knew my H was a FAKE and lied and lies. H was never going to tell me anything and I wasn’t supposed to find out. AP took it upon herself to ensure that I got the picture(s)

But she got to keep his testicles

if the AP felt solidarity with the BW, she would not have had sex with a married man in the first place.

this.

To me, any woman who knowingly sleeps with a MM has zero solidarity with ANY woman. She’s not a feminist. She doesn’t give a shit about other women. She’s an abuser just like the MM she’s sleeping with.

She consciously and deliberately held another woman down and hurt her. A rapist in her own right.

I believe any sharing with the BW is - just like having an A to begin with- about power and control and the ego kibble that comes with that status of power.

Can an AP atone and redeem herself? Sure. But it takes a helluva lot more work than sharing info with a BW. Strange as it sounds, I would still appreciate a fucking apology from the women who had sex with my WH knowing he was M. I’m not holding my breath or wasting my time thinking about it (unless a thread like this shows up), but it’s the least those selfish abusive women could do....

My husbands AP didn’t even know he was married. Well, at least that’s what she says, and he definitely never told her about me or his kids. Even used a fake name, though my name did show up on caller ID. Told her it was his deceased mother’s name

Anyways, girl had ZERO reason to lie to me or be ugly. She even claimed the whole “women need to stick together” bull. She STILL lied. She still sent me stuff and made up stuff just to hurt me. Or, if not to hurt me, to make it seem like my WH was still lying. And even after 3 years and learning he was married, you could still tell she would have taken him back in 5 seconds if he wanted. Idk. They really do seek out the bottom of the barrel don’t they?

The MOW in our sitch told all after 2 years of what I thought were R. She did it out of anger at my STBX for ending things with her. I don't really care why she did I'm just glad I she did because now I know who my WS really is.

I think they tell for a variety of reasons. When the affair is happening they don't want to run the risk of loosing the AP. After the affair is over or has been discovered what do they have to loose. You can bet at 50% of what they say is a lie. I talked to my WH AP about 2-3 times. She actually apologized to me. Yes that makes a 10 year affair much better.

I’m going through this now. Trying to sort fact from fiction is a nightmare. Overall AP is much more honest than WH but it’s seems like she’s trying to kill me w/ details.

If the AP "suddenly" wakes up and sees her MM isn't actually her KISA, but was just using her for sex? Well then. Time to respect #girlcode and tell the wife what a piece of shit he is.

A lot of this. Lots of female AP's are "taken for a ride" by the male AP, promised the sun and stars and none of it delivered. So they lash out and blow it up hard.

In my case, the OM "told all" because he knew I had a way to blow his life to pieces if he didn't. However, looking back at it now (years later), I'm not sure I needed to threaten him, I suspect he would have "told all" anyway. If he could tell me something awful enough to get my to kick my wife out, that would mean more easy/free sex for him, so he had every incentive to "blow her s**t up" (which he did, but it was actually all true, so...) to keep the sex coming.

I think it's a combination of guilt (to clear the AP's conscious) and to see what she's being measured against.

My WH AP met me while the affair was still going on (I thought it was over). She minimized the details of the affair and cried about how reckless the affair was and how sorry she was that she caused so many problems. Yet, she was still talking to my husband. SO.

She was trying to be my friend and confide in me about her marital issues and pretended to be concerned about mine. The bitch is broken. And needs some good girlfriends.

At the end of the day, they're all F'd up, because...who does that?! Folks who don't evolve beyond 15! GROW. UP.