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I saw a post over on the wayward side that made me think about reasons for staying. Let me say that this is not to get into a debate about what the right or wrong reasons are for staying. We all have our reasons, and it's not for us to judge if somebody else's reasons are good enough or not.

Specifically, my thoughts are around the reasons we give people for staying. I feel like when people ask me, I keep to very high level, easily understood reasons for staying like "We have a kid together". I don't care to get into the 50 other reasons I have for staying, so I basically take the easy route. Of course as I am sure many of us know, people say that's not a good enough reason to stay. For me, when I say it I am not saying that's the ONLY reason I stay, I am saying that's a big reason why I do stay, why I am trying, and basically I don't really care to get into all the other reasons. That seems to be lost on some people though.

Again, for me my reasons for staying are somewhat all over the place. There's the obvious, kids, finances, family, I still care about him, etc., but then the not so obvious ones as well. Here are some off the top of my head. Keep in mind that as far as I can tell, my WH is not actively cheating, and is truly trying to change and seems remorseful. Without those things, none of these reasons would really matter to me, and he would be out. Same if he started cheating again. Would be a dealbreaker.

Anyway....

1 - This ties into finances, but I like the life that our combined income affords me. I don't want to lose my house and start over. I don't want to skip a Disney trip, etc.

2 - I am in my mid-40s, and frankly don't want to date again. I didn't like it before, and know I would hate it even more now. I have no interest in starting over with somebody new. I need to lose weight, but don't want to have to lose weight for the sake of worrying about attracting somebody else. I don't want the insecurities with somebody new. I am still getting good sex, I know it's safe sex, and it's not something I want to have to worry about with somebody else. This does kind of tie into the kid thing in that I also have no interest in introducing another man into his life. So sure, I am sure I could ultimately find somebody else, but that's a lot of work I don't want to have to do.

3 - My WH does a lot around the house. Like, a lot. Things that I would have to take over or hire out if he wasn't here.

4 - He somewhat spoils me, going to get tea for me, buying me sweet presents, etc. If this were to end, it certainly wouldn't be a dealbreaker but I definitely benefit from it.

5 - Aside from almost destroying our family, he's a pretty good dad and we help each other a lot with parenting.

6 - If he were to die, my son and I would be good financially for a long time.

7 - Sounds bad, but honestly I don't want him to move on and find another woman and be able to get on with a happy life forgetting what he did here. I think he needs to stay and see the fallout of his actions on a regular basis. Keep in mind before you judge me that I am not berating him, treating him badly in front of our son, etc. I show him respect, even if I don't necessarily respect him.

8 - We can get along fine. Better than we have in a long time, to be honest. We interact, laugh, etc. Sure, there's a black cloud, but we're not making each other miserable either.

9 - He is now sharing in all household expenses, which has significantly helped my own finances. I don't want to go backwards on that, and see myself getting closer to financial independence again.

Of course there is more, and I know these examples are all about me and are somewhat selfish or self serving, but I feel like after what he's done, I am allowed to be a little self serving. I am allowed to consider what I am getting out of the relationship.

Anyway, I really don't have any crazy insightful point here. Just to stay when people say they're staying for a, b and c, I think we would all do well to remember that those reasons are probably just the tip of the iceberg on the whys.

Anybody else have any not so often spoken reasons for staying they'd admit to?

[This message edited by landclark at 2:31 PM, June 7th (Sunday)]

I also don’t want to debate, argue, or insult.

We have been divorced and remarried (to each other) and have had two kids in the years since I cheated. Remarrying was a mistake and I am only staying for the kids.

I have been shamed here on SI for that, but I think it is not only a valid reason for staying married, but a good reason.

DF, I 100% agree with you. I think if nothing else, kids are a very good reason to pause before jumping. I know others disagree and that’s fine for them, I won’t judge, but I don’t judge that for being the reason either.

I can understand, to a point, when people stay together if there are kids involved. Even though I tend to side with not using them as a reason for staying together.

Sometimes a couple staying together can and is worse for the child/children. That would have been my case, so the split was better in the long run for him than us being a couple.

Other than really close friends I would never entertain answering any relationship question asked of me. Its no ones business but you and your husbands.

This really isn’t about whether or not staying together for the kids is a good idea or not. I’m sure there are plenty of cases where both sides are better.

Just wondering what other reasons people have for staying that aren’t as openly talked about.

You sound like you are staying because it is the lessor of 2 evils.. If you are happy and works for you. That is all that matters. I did not want to let the AP have my life. Go get your own.

33 years of history. That’s a lot to throw away even though he opened the trash can lid

That’s just one reason, but one I don’t see a lot

Don’t want to thread jack, but DF you shouldn’t be shamed for staying. People need to do what they think is best. If I recall, one of your kids is special needs and that adds a completely different dimension to your situation.

I didn’t see this, but posted on the other thread. My post here would be the same

hardtomove, the lesser of two evils is definitely part of it. Also not giving him a chance to be with his first AP is also part of it.

Shoot. I moved back for a furnace. Lol. At the time, it was easier for me to move out than him. Furnace died, house still in my name as well. My plan was to move back, replace the furnace, do some repairs, sell and go our separate ways. 2 yrs later, I am still here and we are recovering/ reconciling. Now, it boils down to the plain fact that he is my person. Always more reasons than that, but him being my person is how I sum it up.

For those of us who stay, we don’t need to explain to anyone. Nor do we need validation from them. This is my life and my marriage. Only I walk in my shoes.

So if you stay for any other reason than love and moving toward a better future (not judging), can I ask:

1. Do you ever argue since there is no love tempering the mood? If so, how often?

2. Do you feel a marriage without love has a different tone? What is the tone of your marriage? Warm? Joking? Accepting? Typically, what is the tone of conversations between you?

These are the two things that I did not consider, but my teenagers pointed them out.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 8:09 PM, June 7th (Sunday)]

OIN, My post and question is about the reasons why people stay that aren’t as often discussed. I’m not going to defend my reasons for staying, nor am I looking for somebody to challenge my reasons. I’m comfortable with my choice right now.

[This message edited by landclark at 9:32 PM, June 7th (Sunday)]

I am only staying for the kids.

I have been shamed here on SI for that, but I think it is not only a valid reason for staying married, but a good reason.

It would be nice if people would stick to what does and does not work for them rather than telling others what they should and should not do.

"The kids is not a good enough reason for me to stay." A lot different from, "Staying for the kids is not a good reason," especially when they go on to tell how much your children will be harmed by it. I know better than anyone else what is best for my kids. Don't tell me what to do with or for them.

Personally, I think staying for love is the worst reason. Why would I stay with someone just for a feeling that I have toward them? I need someone who is going to contribute positively to my life in a practical way. I didn't marry for live, either, although I did love my H when we got married. I got married for practical reasons.

I stay for my family, for our lifestyle, because my H does a lot for us domestically, and he spoils me, too. I am comfortable. My boys are happy. It works for me for now.

Why would I stay with someone just for a feeling that I have toward them?

Agreed. If my WH wasn’t positively contributing to my life, I never would have married him. If he wasn’t positively contributing to my life now, I wouldn’t stay.

I don't understand why people think if you stay married without "love" that you have a miserable life where you do nothing but argue and hate each other. Or that you don't want a future.

Or that you are obviously miserable and codependent.It's insulting.

And people have long married for reasons other than love.

I don't love my husband. We have a good life. And as a African American woman...given the climate right now I don't want my sons in the home without their father. It's important to me that they have their all night video games sessions, their secret runs for ice cream that they don't think I know about, the small intimate moments that happen because they live together. Yes those moments can happen if we are apart...but it's much less.

I don't love him...but I'm far from miserable. We are building a future together. Working on purchasing another home. Thinking about having more children.

We really need to stop the shaming and arm chair diagnosing if a person chooses to stay for whatever the reason..

I am glad that you bought this topic over here.

Although WH and I are separated and opened D proceedings, we have put this on hold to have time to consider whether legal D, is absolutely still necessary.

I haven’t read anywhere on this forum about Unconditional Love.

It’s difficult to imagine loving a WS Unconditionally.

I have vowed to love US unconditionally. If the conditions mean that we D because that it how we express our love than so be it. We have set each other free to allow love to flourish.

That doesn’t mean that I will remain his broken BW or he my WH, but we stay in our marriage, living apart but still loving and dreaming of better together, somehow.

It does sound like a fairytale, but neither WH or I, want bad or worse for each other. WH accepts that his A’s were always worse, never good or better and absolutely never for Love.

If you are looking for Love, than an affair is the wrong place to try to find it... we all know this to be true 🙏🏼

The reason I stay, first and foremost, is that my fwh did and continues to do the hard work of bettering himself and putting our marriage first. I loved him before, but with the work he does for himself,and us, I love him even more.

And then there are the numerous other reasons. I'm very grateful for recovery, his and mine.

Let me say that this is not to get into a debate about what the right or wrong reasons are for staying.

NOT a debate. Genuine curiosity as to how you plan to proceed or how you imagine it will go. I have my own personal reasons related to my own life, not yours. But wonder how others handle things.

So if you (others, people, whoever--but you can only answer for yourself obviously) if you stay and feel it is for "other reasons," however you see it, would you exchange 'I love yous,' have sex? Are you detaching as part of the staying? Would having another dday change things for you? And do you see this as forever, or only until the kids move out?

People have many, many reasons for staying married--both good and bad ones, I suppose, but I wonder how that relationship plays out over time, what it looks like, and how you manage both people's needs. As I said, asking only out curiosity for what marriage can look like after it hits rough waters.

I guess I am speaking to your numbered list. If he slips up or doesn't seem remorseful enough, wouldn't all the stuff on the list still be true? And that's what I'm asking, how all the things would be worked out. Lots of people stay for the list, not the remorse.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:47 PM, June 7th (Sunday)]

Speaking for me...

We don't exchange I love you's.

Yes we still have sex.

We appreciate each other. He just sent me flowers. I make sure to include his favs on the grocery list.

We have shared goals that we are planning for over the next 20-25 years...well after the kids are grown (even if we decide to have another in the next year).

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 11:50 PM, June 7th (Sunday)]

I love him. Simple as that really. Although if he didn’t do the hard work I would have walked. I’ve loved him for a long time- 27 years at DDay- and he’s a huge part of my life. I missed him so much when we were apart. But what’s keeping us together is the hard work he’s been doing for the past 14 months. I feel more loved now than I ever did before. But also our history. We have three daughters and four grandchildren. We have a whole life together. I would have been fine without him, though very sad, but we’re building a new, happier, safer, life now.