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With an emotional component? I know all infidelity is bad but I am having a a difficult time processing the emotional component of my WW’s affair. There was a lot of intense sex, but I also saw text messages of proclaimed love, wanting to be together, etc.

In fact one of her texts describes my WW’s “concern” that the AP might be a player and that she didn’t want to be his second or third choice. She even said “it sucks that I cannot have you to myself.”

While the physical aspects are hard enough to overcome, the “I love you” is just so damn hard to get out of my mind. Apparently they even discussed marriage, how they would handle merging the kids , etc. All of this occurred in 6-8 week period. There was probably a lot of texting prior to the first meeting but damn this just fucks with my head.

She claims now that it was all based on a lie, affair fog, limerance or whatever.

My question is which is worse? Sex or the emotional or the emotional attachment? Does affair fog really cause such feelings? And can they be quickly discarded?

SlapJacks,

What’s worse? A sexual affair or a sexual affair With an emotional component?

I have seen it written here that generally a man has a harder time with the physical component of an A while a woman has a harder time with the emotional component of an A.

There is a section in I can relate that deals solely with emotionless affairs (sex) and most, if not all, are women posters.

I have seen men and women post in the Wayward side who say there was no emotion involved, it was just sex.

While the physical aspects are hard enough to overcome, the “I love you” is just so damn hard to get out of my mind. Apparently they even discussed marriage, how they would handle merging the kids , etc.

All of this occurred in 6-8 week period

There was probably a lot of texting prior to the first meeting but damn this just fucks with my head

The thing that I believe I would find worse out of any of her actions is she was willing to risk everything in a 6 - 8 week period.

While the physical aspects are hard enough to overcome, the “I love you” is just so damn hard to get out of my mind. Apparently they even discussed marriage, how they would handle merging the kids , etc. All of this occurred in 6-8 week period. There was probably a lot of texting prior to the first meeting but damn this just fucks with my head.

Ever been drunk? Ever been REALLY drunk with a bunch of your buddies where you sit around and talk about the business your gonna build, the way you're gonna change the world, the models you're going to get to sleep with you at the drop of a hat?

Honestly, I think that's the best way I can describe my W's "emotional component". It was about as well thought out as the ramblings of a hysterical pre-schooler. It wasn't "real", it was complete fantasy, like me sitting here thinking about how I'm going to grow wings on my back and fly, just as soon as I finish this cheeseburger. In many cases, it's a complete fiction, often constructed primarily by one of the AP's to keep the other AP coming around (for sex, generally).

You'd "love me" too if all I ever did was blow smoke up your butt about how wonderful you are. It's about as "real" as the "friendship" you have with a car salesman who sees you as a mark, and another grand in his bank account. Now, much like your wife, you might THINK the salesman is your best buddy, but, he's there to do a job, and that job has nothing to do with being "RIO's best friend" and everything to do with selling a car. The better he is as "blowing smoke" the more successful he will be.

Your wife "loved" something/someone that never existed in the first place. It was an illusion to get her to take her panties off, as it very often is in an affair. And when you're only goal is "have sex" and you don't care a bit for telling the the truth or long term relationships, sure, it's easy to "wow" someone; it's not a fair fight. If I say something/promise something, I have to do it/deliver on it. The AP could promise tickets to the Academy Awards with a seat between Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts.. Who cares, say whatever it takes, you'll never be called to deliver on any of it.

There does seem to be research that women struggle more with the emotional component (and seek the emotional component when it's a WW), and men struggle more with the sexual component (and primarily seek sex when it's a WH). I have not found that to be true in my situation. IOW, I don't give a crap about how emotionally "connected" my WH and his girlfriend were, my beef about the EA was the lying, and my beef about his denial of any emotional involvement thru the PA was also the lying (IOW, you don't fuck someone for a decade, that you have known for nearly 40 years w/o having some emotional connection.... a decade+ "secret friend" and decade of sex is not "emotionless" cheating). The sex is what's fucked with my (female) mind more than anything.... well, maybe 2nd to the lying (which is a gender neutral clusterfuck IMO).

My question is which is worse? Sex or the emotional or the emotional attachment?

the question is which is worse FOR YOU. It doesn't matter what I or anyone else feel. And it sounds to me that the emotional component is what is worse FOR YOU.

As to the "affair fog", look up limerance and you'll get all kinds of info, including the chemical reactions that can happen when humans get that "in love" feeling. For me, NONE of that is an excuse for having an A (EA or PA). A WS still has to trash whatever integrity they had to act on any of those chemical reactions.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 10:46 AM, July 14th, 2020 (Tuesday)]

the question is which is worse FOR YOU. It doesn't matter what I or anyone else feel. And it sounds to me that the emotional component is what is worse FOR YOU.

I vacillate between the 2. One day it's the physical component, the next day I simply cannot believe that the she can, 60 days post DDay, tell me that she loves me when I saw the actual exchanges.

As to the "affair fog", look up limerance and you'll get all kinds of info, including the chemical reactions that can happen when humans get that "in love" feeling. For me, NONE of that is an excuse for having an A (EA or PA). A WS still has to trash whatever integrity they had to act on any of those chemical reactions.

I don't think there is anything on the internet left for me to read...lol.

Every one is different in terms of “worse” .

My H did not have Sex with the OW - it was mostly emotional BUT he was planning to D me. Kick me to the curb. That’s pretty bad IMO.

But in your case you have both elements - sex and emotional attachment. And lying.

Did she love him? IMO yes she did at the time of the A.

Did you have any old girlfriends you loved at the time you dated? Was it real? Sure it was. But for whatever reason you broke up and you stopped loving them.

You may have realized you thought it was love but it wasn’t. You may have realized it was one-sided and you loved them but they didn’t love you. Point is - at the time it was real.

Now looking back you realize things. You see that old relationship from a different perspective. That describes your wife’s Affair. Did she “love” him ? Maybe it was just infatuation she confused with love. Or maybe it was love but not the same love she has for you.

It may help to accept what happened. Not try to understand it because that will make you crazy. Emotions don’t make sense sometimes. There’s no logic to it.

My H claims he didn’t love the OW. Even though I saw it in writing (emails). Whatever. I know he did at the time.

Acceptance. Peace. Moved on.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:34 AM, July 14th (Tuesday)]

This is loaded question for me. My worst is both: an affair that started as an internet hookup for just sex, no strings attached between two married people that became a relationship and friendship that lasted almost a decade in secret.

I think every affair is the worst for whoever is betrayed.

In order for infidelity to happen, at some level we have to become invisible to the people we love.

And that's universally brutal.

Recovery is based on who our spouse is after discovery.

Do their own their shitty decisions? Do they understand why they needed validation from someone outside the marriage? Do they care about the damage they caused? What are they doing to change?

The exchanges during the A? I think 99 percent of that stuff is escapist fantasy bullshit. I wouldn't sweat that, even if AP and WS thought it was real enough in the moment.

It's how they respond after they extricate themselves from fantasyland that counts most to me.

“it sucks that I cannot have you to myself.”

Does it ever occur to your WW that was/is how you feel? And she broke vows that she said you would have her all to yourself?

I agree with the others, YOU get to decide which is worse, no one can tell you. And does it really matter? Both are massive betrayals. For example, when a WS has an EA and said the same things about M and blended families, the response from BS is not going to be "Good thing it was just an EA! Nothing to worry about!"

She claims now that it was all based on a lie, affair fog, limerance or whatever.

I have never understood quite what a WS is trying to accomplish with this type of statement. Is a BS supposed to feel better that their WS fell for a lie? Does that mean, if the AP hadn't lied, WS would still be with AP or left the M permanently? None of these things seem like good options to me for a BS. It is the WS minimizing and trying to deflect. I don't think a WS would really enjoy having to explain this and what it really means.

I don't think there is anything on the internet left for me to read...lol.

OMG! You gave me quite the belly laugh with that one!!! Absolutely LOL!!

the next day I simply cannot believe that the she can, 60 days post DDay, tell me that she loves me

As I said before, I didn't struggle with the emotional components outside of the lies. However, I - and I suspect most BS - struggled immensely with the concept of my WH "loving" me. Every few months or so, SI will have threads about love, from the 'did my WS love me during the A' to 'how can they love me today (or say so)'. And the responses will range from "they loved me despite the A (whether or not there was an emotional connection )" to "it is not possible to love someone while lying to them and having sex w/ someone else" to "they loved me the best they could".

You start that sentence with 'I simply cannot BELIEVE". So, what is it exactly that you don't believe? Certainly, you believe she can SAY she loves you - cuz she's doing that and you are experiencing it. So, is the unbelievable part that she feels that love? Or that her ability to love is like a lightswitch? Or something else?

They’re both equally bad, no need to rank them IMO.

My WH said ILY first and OW said it back; they discussed where they were going to live together “in a few years”; and who knows what else, but he admitted it was all just in an effort to get her to have sex with him. His story is that she never put out despite his attempts. I think it was all fantasy on both sides.

It’s the physical aspects for me. The emotional piece for my WW seemed to evaporate pretty quickly once she realized the reality of her situation. It seemed absurd in retrospect and it was a source of shame.

In other words, once the light of day fell upon the A, the emotional aspects seemed ridiculous to her. Unfortunately, you can unfuck the donkey and the fallout from what happened physically remains.

I would find an EA to be almost laughable school-girl stuff.

The emotional piece for my WW seemed to evaporate pretty quickly once she realized the reality of her situation. It seemed absurd in retrospect and it was a source of shame.

In other words, once the light of day fell upon the A, the emotional aspects seemed ridiculous to her. Unfortunately, you can unfuck the donkey and the fallout from what happened physically remains.

I would find an EA to be almost laughable school-girl stuff.

Same here. I think, in my darker moments, if my wife had had an EA, I would have written to the AP and made fun of him, asking him what it feels like to be led on and have his world blown apart for a schoolboy fantasy. Of course, that's not what happens, and I have no doubt he laughs at me, to this day, and probably every day for the rest of his life (and probably also my W, but she brought that on herself). The emotional aspects are typically ridiculous. It's about as "real" at least in my case, as 2 2nd graders decided "they are married" because of rubber bands on their fingers. There is just nothing "backing it" other than "feelings" and as we all know, usually after d-day, those feelings change dramatically, especially if one AP does the "chuck and duck" on the other (which happens to be my case, and isn't all that unusual).

but he admitted it was all just in an effort to get her to have sex with him.

And, in other news, apparently gravity pulls things towards the earth and keeps us from flying off. I mean, who knew, right? Sorry, I'm not making light of your situation, it's just that level of honesty is kind of a breath of fresh air sometimes, and also keeps me from thinking I know, literally, the worst men on the planet (when it comes to cheating anyway).

This is a tough one. Both are bad, but as a man, the sexual side was worse. By definition, for men, sex is a penetrative act and they always leave a little of themselves behind. It's like wearing used underwear from a seedy thrift store. Yes, you can wash them, even bleach them, but really, do you every feel right wearing them? Even during the 7 months after Dday, I found my wife repulsive physically, even during HB. We no longer made love, that was dead; we just fucked and a part of me died every time. That feeling likely fades over time, but like a palimpsest, the latent stain always remains even though new words and images overwrite them.

Slapjacks,

I remember reading your initial thread and then you stopped posting there after your WW cut it off with the AP. From the original thread, some of your posts on other threads, and now this one, I would offer the following.

Your WW was obviously in a full-blown EA as well as the PA. She is minimizing the EA and I would bet she is secretly pining for her lost AP. As I remember, she only agreed to stay with you and end the A after you threatened to cut off her credit cards, Botox treatments, etc.

What is she doing to show you that she wants R with you and not just your money? Unless there is a ton od stuff you just haven’t posted, I think at best she regrets getting caught and is not the least bit remorseful. Is this the kind of M you want going forward?

You start that sentence with 'I simply cannot BELIEVE". So, what is it exactly that you don't believe? Certainly, you believe she can SAY she loves you - cuz she's doing that and you are experiencing it. So, is the unbelievable part that she feels that love? Or that her ability to love is like a lightswitch? Or something else?

I think you hit something here. Yes...the lightswitch. First DDay was end of March, followed by a breaking of NC in late April. To my knowledge, that was their last contact. April-May was a total shock/disbelief time for me. In June, I started to "stabilize, " for lack of a better word. But this is still very fresh. It's also fresh for her., and I fail to understand how her feelings for him could be quickly turned off and re-applied to me.

I have "loved" 2 women in my life. My first was a college GF, and we planned on getting married, but she went to law school in a different city while I took a job and wanted to pursue my MBA. The long distance killed our relationship, but it took a helluva a lot longer the 2 months to get over it. Even if she had played me, and told me what I wanted hear, it still would have tore me up that our relationship didn't work. Over the years, I have learned to look back fondly at what it was. An awesome college relationship. No more, no less.

So, as I look at my WW's affair, are there any women that have been in love (in a sexual/dating scenario) and "gotten over it" in 2 months?? It just doesn't seem possible. Especially when everything I have read suggests that it takes a WW/WH 6 months to a year to view their affair from a reality-based perspective.

Your WW was obviously in a full-blown EA as well as the PA. She is minimizing the EA and I would bet she is secretly pining for her lost AP. As I remember, she only agreed to stay with you and end the A after you threatened to cut off her credit cards, Botox treatments, etc.

What is she doing to show you that she wants R with you and not just your money? Unless there is a ton od stuff you just haven’t posted, I think at best she regrets getting caught and is not the least bit remorseful. Is this the kind of M you want going forward?

My actions on her spending did snap her head. And she is still on a very short leash. And if I had to guess (assuming she hasn't taken it underground, which I doubt) is that she is in the regret, guilt, shame stage. She is starting to initiate conversations about her affair rather than getting defensive. One thing I did get is a pretty good post-nuptial, which someone recommended while her head was spinning. So, on the financial side of things, I am pretty covered. Moved some assets into irrevocable trusts for my kids as well.

Unfortunately the way my mind works is a series of chess moves. I have been that way my entire life. I try to never make emotional decisions, so I have given myself 6 months to sort my brain out, while I (and my kids) are protected as can be. But love is a a very strange thing.

I would find an EA to be almost laughable school-girl stuff.

Gotta love hearing that something that has effectively ruined my marriage and caused real trauma was "laughable."

For the record, I feel like the worst kind of affair is the one that happens to you.

[This message edited by Joanna1013 at 2:32 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)]

SlapJ. I think dday prompts all of us to explore what is meant by "love" and - maybe more importantly- what our WS think of as "love".

IOW, I do believe my WH believed (and still believes) he loved me. Even while maintaining a fully siloed secret sexual life. Even when he was banging his girlfriend. That is his perspective, not mine.

From my perspective, I don't believe it's possible to "love" someone while lying to them... or banging someone else. The guy would kiss me goodbye & say "love you" in the AM knowing he was gonna be screwing someone else in a matter of hours. Or he'd call me before he'd go meet his girlfriend (presumably to let me know he'd be in a "meeting" so I wouldn't call & interrupt him) and say "love you" as he's hanging up while on his way to play with her privates. How does anyone reconcile that?

So, I think that that he and I have VERY different views on what love is, what love means, how love is expressed, etc.

For me, his kind of "love" is absolutely dangerous to me. His kind of "love" is harmful to me. It has hurt me more than I've been hurt by anything (physical or emotional) in my entire life (and that includes some pretty fucked up shit).

I think that a BS struggling with this has to come to their own conclusions.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 2:36 PM, July 14th, 2020 (Tuesday)]

Well they are both bad, but before I was married I dated a man that sexually cheated on me (no emotional attachment to the person he slept with) just sex.

It didn't bother me as much as my H's A, but then again I wasn't married to him, nor had I been with him for 26 yrs like I have been with my H.

My H's A was a full blown emotional, physical, please blow fairy dust up my ass and tell me how wonderful I am affair. It was more about blowing smoke up his ass than it was about the sex, but the sex was the added benefit.

And yes, this to me was far worse than him just having a fuck buddy.