1. Last night my WW saw that I was looking at the reconciliation area here on SI - I showed her I was looking at positive reconciliation stories. I had agreed to pull back from SI several months but I never agreed to disengage completely. my WW has basically given me the cold shoulder all day
Kind of interesting Thumos that she has an attitudinal view of SI, but has she dived deeply enough into it to see what you're seeing? What's further interesting is that she's hovering close enough to an ideal candidate, but consistently falls short of being an unquestioned reconciliation candidate and her view of SI symbolizes this.
The unquestioned candidate would nervously, but courageously grant consent for you to pursue what comforts you. Even if you're edgy following and participating in others threads, there's some comfort you can receive in commiserating with others whose experience mirrors yours. If not comforting, there's somewhat of a kinsman-ship that's realized by members who are part of a like-experienced community. You're part of this community because of her. It's no different than a group that supports battered women, or AA, etc.
2. My WW Says that SI is anti reconciliation and that it only depresses me and renews my anger to read here. I’ve asked her to consider interacting here with other WS but she refuses
Again, her thoughts and expressions are centered around her feelings, not yours.
3. the failed polygraph in December was an absolute shit - show. My WW tried to change the questions, succeeded in dropping a question, and insulted the credibility of the examiner (a retired former agent agent with state bureau of investigation). She cried and begged and wailed and brought her sister along for additional drama and hostility to me for something I Had been asking for for three years. She still failed the poly and now says it was bc of her anxiety and that she’s telling me the truth
I almost wish you had told her from the beginning you will NOT make a decision or divorce her based on her coming forth with truth, and then change up after hearing it. Of course, you never knew the lengths she'd go to conceal things.
Although you never felt her affair was a frequent physical one,(and I believe this as well per your posts) I sometimes wonder if it was considering the strength of commitment and never coming close to wavering.
Further revelation is not even a consideration and her strategy is simply to outlast your pursuit of it and eventually enough time and space will separate the affair from today, tomorrow and forthcoming years.
4. Along with the failed polygraph I also I know for sure without a doubt that my WW brought another man over to our house for the express purpose of unprotected sex, that she played house with him and our kids by having him over for extended dinners while I was away on work trips, that she discussed with the OM how she "didn't even care" if I found out and chortled and chuckled about the sex they had, that she gaslighted me to make me think I'd falsely accused her, that she encouraged me to think I was paranoid and needed professional psychiatric help, that she invoked an in-home separation from me during the affair, that she trickle truthed me and blameshifted after D-Day and tried to get me to accept a line that I was 'sexually immature' about her having 'meaningless sex' with another man, that she buried evidence, destroyed evidence, refused transparency and refused to take an STD test or write out a timeline or submit to a polygraph for years. And that she finally failed a polygraph on the question of whether she was telling me the truth about the affair.
This #4 point is why you're strongly perched atop a limbo state and constant contemplation. Whether written in paragraph, bullet point or outline form, it reads the same. Male or female members wince while reading this. Men in particular, are livid, me included, no matter how frequent they're read. These facts aren't going to go away and the only way they can be manageable for you long term is for you to gain the satisfaction of her telling you what she doesn't want to tell you.
It's difficult coming to terms and reaching acceptance as personal digs undermining you as a man were shared between them. I think you'd have difficulty, but may be able to work through things with more confessions from her and closing the gap between being an "ideal" or an "unquestioned" remorseful wife, fully worthy of reconciliation. This requires walking the plank and back with a scarf around her eyes and sharks hovering below.
You've been here long enough to clearly see the separation that exists between your wife and Ms.Wallop, MsSouthAfrican, HikingOut and other repentful and remorseful wives, whose determination isn't capped off from doing certain thing. There's a couple of strong divisions that lie between the supremely remorseful wives and one's who aren't. They.......
1) Feel and experience the fear for their marriage, but the pain they see and feel imposed onto their husbands exceeds the pain they feel for themselves. Hence, they drive through their own fear to relieve the pain inflicted upon their husbands. In turn, their actions tell their husbands, their remorse is unmistakable.
2) They've released control of the outcome. They've pushed through the fear of losing everything and prioritized their husband's wishes above everything, themselves included. In a sense, they're matching the risk taken prior to the affair. What I mean by that is they risked losing everything by having the affair and is willing to equally risk losing their marriage, to regain their marriage. This is what I believe you are wishing for, above other things. This will give you peace of mind and the olive branch that she's weakly dangling out to you, for you to grab and say, I feel you.