SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There's no doubt hysterical bonding is straight up good sex. It subsides and you don't owe her jack shit for it.

I have received some pushback for saying exactly this on SI before and other places online. "But that's not universally true!" I don't personally know. I've had a WS, who confessed she felt as if she was in an "open relationship" as an excuse,but never had that discussion with me. So I'm guessing it was one way for her and another for me. What I have seen is other couples (particularly in the toxic group of people she hung out with for fun) who did pursue notions of Open Relationships/polyamory and every. single. one. of those ended in very heated divorces. In every instance it was the woman of the pair who was "on an adventure" (e.g. sleeping with many partners) and the guy ended up being the person who stayed at home and watched the kids. It's the inequity of the arrangement that kills things almost more than the infidelity.

People who push back against this are self deluding. I challenge anyone to tell me any situation where the husband might have an advantage in attracting more partners in any given amount of time than his wife.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say your wife is not very wonderful at all. Very un-wonderful.

Any person who would do this to another human being is decidedly not a wonderful person.

And she's certainly not remorseful at all. OP, you need to learn the difference between regret and remorse. Regret is self-centered.

And she's not even at the regret stage (guilt) she feels just fine about the whole thing and wants you to accept it.

The choice seems pretty simple to me. Divorce her and find someone honest, loving and more in tune with the way you say you view a marriage or become a willing cuck in order not to rock the boat, still get some sex, keep HER happy but lose your soul and self-respect in the process.

There’s a lot more context and complexity to the situation than my original post.

Nope, really, there's not. She's cheating, and lying, and she's trying to browbeat you into being okay with that. It's really that simple.

believe she is a flawed but decent and loving person.

Most people aren't all good or all bad. But we are all nothing more than the sum of our acts. As a wife, she's a bad wife. At some point you'll come to realize that.

She is remorseful and is talking things through with me in a compassionate way.

You're 100% wrong on this point. There is nothing about a lying cheater browbeating the BH for an open marriage that is even remotely in the same direction as remorse.

It doesn’t look like I can persuade her to give up her paramour at this time but she seems open to negotiating with me - rules of the road for the open marriage.

Man. How far will you twist yourself into a logical pretzel to avoid the reality of your circumstance? What she is trying to force down your throat looks nothing like an open marriage. An open marriage is grounded in 100% transparency, honesty, respect, and voluntary choice without coercion. You have express lack of transparency, open dishonesty, flagrant disrespect of you by her, and she is trying to browbeat you to accept her terms.

If you want a monogamous relationship, go find someone else on the same wavelength as yourself. Your "wife" isn't on that wavelength and will never agree to change. She may lie about stopping, but she won't stop. So it is up to you. Divorce her or live her lifestyle which basically means you are irrelevant other than providing financial support and watching the kids while she does what she wants with other men. She may ultimately find another man she wants to try monogamy with and when that happens you will be history. Learn what you did wrong in this marriage by going to IC, but go see a lawyer and send her packing, unless you are foolish enough to sacrifice your morals for her desires. Don't be a fucking fool. This is a no brainer.

[This message edited by src9043 at 6:49 PM, October 28th (Wednesday)]

You need to explain this a little bit more, you see most normal married couple will not allow their spouse to flirt with the opposite sex, that has nothing to do of being jealous or possessive!

The word jealous, possessive, and controlling has been widely used incorrectly as a scare tactic and blackmailing in an effort to cuckold the husband!

Get this: A man without jealousy is a cuckold!

Don't listen to the moral bankrupt damaged people!

And people who use the word jealousy as a weapon to scare their spouses off are the same people with low or no moral values, the same people who will cheat or flirt with others and want their spouses to accept that and rub it on their faces, and your wayward wife (WW) is one of them!

Kaliber- while I agree that an open marriage in this case is a terrible idea, your comments are literally a load of hooey.

Cuckolding is a kink. It's literally the kink of angst and jealousy when your partner is with another. So no- a man without jealousy isn't a cuckold- he's probably dead. It's human to be jealous. What matters is how people handle that jealousy.

Aside from that, though, people who are in open relationships don't necessarily have low morals and they're not necessarily bad people any more than any other group. And frankly, there's nothing wrong even with being a cuckold- if one freely chooses that. It does not make someone a lesser person if that's what they desire.

When you try to speak for a group, don't be surprised when you get it wrong. Especially when you're attempting to insult those people.

As for it being "a bad deal" for men, that depends on what you mean by it being a bad deal. Is the only measure of success and happiness having an unlimited number of people to have sex with, seriously? I think you should probably revisit your idea of why people have open marriages.

[This message edited by PSTI at 6:41 PM, October 28th (Wednesday)]

Open marriages mostly fail for obvious reasons. More importantly the OP is a monogamous person. So attempting to convince him of the utility of an alternative lifestyle that represents a mere fraction of the human population and with documented dubious success rates is highly unhelpful.

This guy comes by and posts one time and here we all are days later arguing about cuckoldry...

Westway – I was thinking something comparable when I noticed that he sneaked in a significant update to his original post.

Now – there is no correct or wrong on this site per se, but for new posters (and in fact some older too…): It’s BEST to add new info and developments into chronological posts. The update on the 27th was not noticed by most. In fact – as I write this I see another update on the 29th… That update would probably do more use if it was the OP third post (right after src9043 post).

Anxioushusband – to get the best advice consider adding new POSTS rather than updating your original post.

Anxioushusband – Would you care to elaborate on some suggestions/questions offered/asked:

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Does the married other man’s wife know of the affair?

Is he in an open relationship?

If he isn’t and if his wife doesn’t know then do you plan on telling her?

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You have told her you don’t want an open marriage and she hasn’t told you she’s ending it with OM…

Has she agreed to not seeing him while you clear this issue? If so, do you have assurances?

What will your reaction be next time she tells you she’s working overtime on a Thursday evening?

How will you feel when she dresses up and maybe even takes her gym-bag before “just going to the Mall” and then returns disheveled or as if she’s just had a shower?

Since he’s married (and I have a sinking feeling his wife neither knows she’s in an open marriage or that her husband is having an affair) then how about when you cant reach her from 2PM to 4PM on a Tuesday? (Married AP’s tend to use daytime for their rendezvous).

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Have you considered the STD tests? This is no reflection on your WW morals, but fact is that as a married monogamous couple you can let some guards down. Even if this OM is the ONLY other AP she has had and even if he’s married then there is no way you can know if (a) he and his wife are clean, (b) since it’s established that OM sleeps with other women that your W and his W are the only women he’s having sex with and (c) if they really are in an open marriage that either of them is 100% safe.

-----

To be 100% clear: I am one of those that think reconciliation is a real possibility. There are posters that think it’s seldom if ever possible. I think it can be done. BUT I also think it needs to be done from a position of total truth and commitment.

I also think it needs to be when the infidelity is OVER.

In your case – IF you were to accept an open marriage – that would be once all stakeholders (you, WW, OM and OMW) knew about what was happening. If everyone is on-board you can start the rebuilding from that base.

If you don’t accept an open marriage, then basically it’s best that all stakeholders know so too – including the OMW. That empowers everyone to make a decision: You can decide if you want to R or not, your WW can decide if her need for an open marriage/OM outweighs her willingness to be married, OM can decide if he pursues your wife or his marriage (in 19/20 cases the OM dumps his AP and focuses on his family) and the OMW if she accepts a cheating husband or wants to divorce. You can then start the rebuilding from that base.

I'm tired of the attacks on my wife and myself. To the trolls: you can just fuck right off. Good bye.

Anxious:

Since this comes directly after my post:

Could you please elaborate what in my post is an attack on your wife?

I ask in all seriousness. I don’t want to scare off posters so if there is anything in my post that attacks or discredits your wife then please let me know.

It's not you Bigger, but several other comments on the thread are disgusting. I don't care to elaborate.

PM me.

Seems like OP has left the building and is on the fast track to rugsweeping and painful limbo in accepting the shit sandwich of a forced open marriage.

OP, you don't have to accept this. This is your life, not hers.

We are not "attacking" your wife; we are speaking bluntly the truth of the situation: a person who betrays their faithful spouse with adultery and then tries to screw with your brain by cajoling you into accepting the unacceptable is, at the very least, on exceedingly shaky moral ground.

It's gaslighting and abuse, in fact. We are concerned for you, first and foremost, because we don't want to see another faithful man abused.

It's not attacking anyone to note the obvious. Some of the more plain spoken language on this thread is simply referred to around here as a "2x4" and it is not trolls, but regular posters who try to help people.

I understand it may not be helpful to you personally, but I've not seen a post here that was trolling you.

I hope you are able to shake off your fetters. You are not obligated to shackle yourself to an unfaithful woman. If she is able to become remorseful and stop her wanton ways, there might be hope.

But that's only if you have the whole truth, an authentically remorseful spouse who is truly ready to repent and work to heal you.

You certainly don't have that now. She's acting only in her own selfish interests and is acting directly against your interests and mental and physical health. She is actually endangering you.

Think about this.

I wish you the best of luck.

[This message edited by Thumos at 9:40 AM, October 29th (Thursday)]

Anxious husband:

Sorry you are leaving. There is a lot of wisdom here. You just have to learn to ignore the purposely insulting and take the advice that is useful and leave the rest. Good luck.

My guess is that loads of people cringe when women are referred to as “ holes “. It tends to give new posters a very low opinion not only of the person whose plain spoken ness was expressed that way but all the people who read and moved on

Unreconstructed language aside i hope the Op reads other threads there are certainly cleaner threads here dealing with the same content .

OP, perhaps read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and also "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda McDonald. You can read them both in less than a day.

The last book is considered THE authoritative voice for what it takes to heal a marriage wrecked by adultery.

Reading it will help you understand, perhaps, how extremely far away your wife is from being a remorseful spouse who is able to turn from being a destroyer to a healer. That's the language McDonald uses and it is accurate.

Right now, your wife has willingly become a wanton destroyer of the good, the true and the beautiful.

And that's not insulting, but the truth.

"Live not by lies" ~Solzhenitsyn

My guess is that loads of people cringe when women are referred to as “ holes “. It tends to give new posters a very low opinion not only of the person whose plain spoken ness was expressed that way but all the people who read and moved on

Unreconstructed language aside i hope the Op reads other threads there are certainly cleaner threads here dealing with the same content .

Guess I missed that one.

OP, the saying around here is "take what is useful, leave the rest." There are some 80,000 members here and a much smaller number of active posters. Still, it's anonymous people from all over the world and aside from a few guardrails, it's an internet forum (the Wild West).

Leave aside the rough language and try to focus on the advice that is actually trying to help you do what Orwell called the constant struggle "to see what is in front of one's nose."

You can rugsweep this and you can accept your wife's sudden terms for a unilateral "open marriage" imposed on you against your will. Not many here think this will work out well for you.

There's another path and it has also been outlined for you. Take it, get a clear head, assess your situation and then you'll be in a much better position to decide on whether your wife could ever measure up to reconciliation material.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:04 AM, October 29th (Thursday)]

Anxious - I'm sorry that you feel that you are being trolled.

Please take into account that this site has been around for a long time, and has had over 65K members. The collective knowledge of this group is far greater than you realize.

One thing I tell every newbie here, is while you feel your situation is unique, the cheaters response to being caught out is NOT. Cheaters follow a very predictable path. Your W is not going to stop, and you are desperate to save your M. But Please please please be very careful considering having an open M.

Open M's that are successful are based on absolute trust and truth with agreed upon rules and expectations. If you try this now, after the horse has left the barn, it will not succeed.

You are absolutely 100% in the right to demand she stop her A, be completely transparent, and honest. If she is not, then you are headed down a pathway of more heartache and pain.