BTY, I post responses because they are helpful in getting me to think and I want to respond as a way of saying thank you for thinking about me. It does me great good to consider other people's questions.
And how long do you intend to wait? Because based on what you just told this, she seems extremely unlikely to do this - not to mention it increasingly appears she has been acting promiscuously and adulterously throughout your ENTIRE marriage.
EMS is about 4 months. If I don't know then, I'll never know, so I'm committing to affair recovery for that long, which given the start date is 5 months away. By committing I mean not threatening divorce, not badgering her, not even looking to her to help - she can volunteer, but I don't ask. This means even if she is showing she cannot or will not do the work, I will do the work. I believe she'll show up, but will she do the work on herself and to save our marriage? What I like about EMS is it requires both parties to meet certain objectives, it doesn't force the betrayed spouse to just sacrifice to save the marriage. So the program will ask for what I want, so I'll know she had the opportunity. So I'm off the hook trying to convince her of anything. I will not talk her into staying in the marriage. I will do everything to let her know I'll be respectful if she does want D so that I'll know she did so without any pressure.
I don’t understand what this means. She won’t even tell you the truth. She won’t tell you where she’s going. She’s not committing to anything but herself.
WW committed to EMS. She has made other commitments and failed to keep them during this last month - and of course prior in the marriage. Her track record is poor, this is not a horse you'd bet on at the track. I am betting, I'm putting up with a lot of pain, and I'm spending my valuable time. But I would honestly not recommend anyone else do the same in my shoes - so I take all advice as very reasonable that enough is already known.
Apparition, Your d-day was mid-September, 2020, and you have decided to take another 3-6 months to figure out your best option.
Actually there was significant understanding by me in Sept that she had cheated in August, but no admission by her. What I got was look me in the eye lies in Sept and most of Oct. But Sep and Oct we had some family tragedies which forced me to be a good person and set my needs aside for family. Significant disclosure around the day of my 1st post and acid drip since then with periodic inconstancies through Friday. However, she disclosed AM when I didn't know, but did have evidence of hotel activity, so some sort of explanation was almost forced. But her disclosures so far are still a positive, she could have clammed up completely and there would be no reason to bet on her. The new D-Day is to get an actual chronological full disclosure as recommended by almost every legit affair recovery specialist.
This isn’t a mixed bag. It’s a remorseless Proverbs 30:20 woman with a heart of stone.
Yes. As of yesterday she still said mean things. She is not the paragon of remorseful. But she is being given all the opportunity anyone in her shoes could ever ask. I don't owe her, I owe me this. It may be difficult to understand, but I have an image of her. If given the opportunity will she show herself to be a person I want to be with is the question I'm exploring for the next 4-5 months. And I'm being very honest in journaling her statements and actions. They do reveal some positives, but never a day without negatives.
My opinion: The quoted bit above is a huge danger flag for you. You said you aren't a yelling breaking things kind of guy, yet...
Yep, 50 years old and this was 100% out of character for me. This told me just how bad the stress was and that I had to find something new. As it turned out "new" was re-reading and adopting more of the 180. It won't happen again, I haven't even gotten angry, and I only feel the barest twinges of anger that I have a whole bunch of new tools and methods to work through. She surprised me, but I won't be surprised again, even if she packs, threatens to divorce, insults me, hurts me, hits me, is mean to me, or I walk in to find her with another man. I am now mentally prepared for anything. Too much trust in myself? No, I've overcome and built a lot in life, I've faced personal demons, and evil people. And I know when to trust myself. I understand your words of caution and take them seriously. I'm doing the work, I'm being cautious, and I know when to extract myself - which is very early in anything that looks like I am caring too much about her or feeling too intensely.
