SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Experts say that rape is an act of violence. It is not about sex.

Infidelity, may be mostly about the sex, but it is still an act of violence. It is the violent destruction of a relationship. It is the violent disregard of your partners feelings and emotions.

Where is the violence in infidelity, you ask? Ask anyone who has been cheated on if they felt like they had been physically beaten by the discovery of their spouses betrayal.

Rape is a selfish act. So is infidelity.

Rape is not about love. Neither is infidelity. Love would prevent a rape, Love should prevent infidelity.

Your thoughts?

The following comments were added after I read some of the initial responses: Please read ahead to understand my thoughts behind this post. The post is not here to offend anybody or do a direct comparison between a rape and infidelity. But as a rape victim when i was a child, some of the feelings I felt then are quite similar to some of the feelings I had on D-day.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 11:12 AM, November 10th (Tuesday)]

I think you've lost your fucking mind posting something like this.

Oh buddy.

I already know there are so many on here that would agree that there are similarities between rape and infidelity. Many would even argue it is a form of rape in of itself to have sex outside of the marriage, and then to have sex with their BS. I’m personally not one of them. I don’t like the comparison at all. I won’t get into all the details of why, as this subject tends to get pretty heated. I just don’t like to compare the two.

I think you've lost your fucking mind posting something like this.

How have I lost my ^%(%( mind by posting this? I am not equating rape and infidelity as equals. But there are similarities that can be explored.

However, in deference to you I will do a search for my ^%(%( mind.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 10:36 AM, November 10th (Tuesday)]

How have I lost my ^%(%( mind by posting this?

Because this is a topic that will have VERY strong feelings attached to it and there will be almost as many positions as there are people responding. It's very personal and very very specific to individual circumstances. Good lord, we can barely have a civilized discussion about any issue with the potential to divide men against women or betrayed against wayward. And you want to jump in to probably the Big Mack Daddy of all controversial topics.

I am not equating rape and infidelity as equals. But there are similarities that can be explored.

Just because something can be explored doesn't mean it should be. I can't see anything productive or helpful coming from this discussion.

Unless you've been raped, I don't think that's a comparison that can be made.

I don't think rape and infidelity have much in common at all, although I understand why people would compare the two.

Love should prevent infidelity.

Perhaps it should, but clearly it doesn't. I've never cheated on a SO or my spouse. I've come close, in past relationships, been tempted during my marriage, but never followed through with it. Love didn't prevent it. I did. That is, my own sense of self-worth, self-esteem, integrity and values prevented me from cheating.

Unless you've been raped, I don't think that's a comparison that can be made.

Does being sexually assaulted by an adult male when I was 8-years-old count?

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 10:44 AM, November 10th (Tuesday)]

There have been dozens of threads here on SI discussing the emotional violence of infidelity. The metaphor of assault, or sucker-punch, or similar image is used probably daily on this site.

Infidelity is, among other things, an act of violence. Virtually every poster in every thread that exists on SI agrees with this thesis.

However, there are degrees of violence. Rape is a particularly acute and personal form of violence. There are rape victims here on SI who will be triggered by a thread like this. It really was insensitive, to an extreme degree, to start this thread the way you did.

May I ask the point of this conversation? May I ask why you would post this if not to be incredibly cruel to rape survivors?

May I ask why you would post this if not to be incredibly cruel to rape survivors?

So now my motivation is to be incredibly cruel? Not true.

However, my intent is never to be insensitive. So perhaps a mod will delete this thread.

Rape is a particularly acute and personal form of violence. There are rape victims here on SI who will be triggered by a thread like this. It really was insensitive, to an extreme degree, to start this thread the way you did.

Thank you, BFTG. Thank you.

Does being sexually assaulted by an adult male when I was 8-years-old count?

Absolutely. And I'm so sorry that you've been through that. However, if you had led with that in your OP instead of throwing it out for discussion like a million other discussion starters, it might have led to a different response.

[This message edited by TKOGA at 10:51 AM, November 10th (Tuesday)]

They both create deeply painful, lasting trauma, causing PTSD, disassociation, nightmares, suicides, homicide, fear of trust of others, etc. I'm not suggestion one is equal to the other. I suppose one would have to experience both to be qualified to compare.

It really was insensitive, to an extreme degree, to start this thread the way you did.

Usually I would take a few moments to defend myself against such an assertion, but if this thread is perceived to be insensitive, then it must be insensitive. Though that was not my intent.

I understand that rape is something that is difficult to discuss between sexes. But, having been a victim as a child, I can equate the feelings I had then to the feelings I had on D-day. Some of the feelings were identical. The sense of betrayal, violence, the questions of whether it was my fault, the feelings of loneliness, shame and wondering if anyone else would understand.

But, I can see without laying the groundwork first, my intent could be easily misconstrued. For that I apologize.

Again, what is the point of making this comparison?

Absolutely. And I'm so sorry that you've been through that. However, if you had led with that in your OP instead of throwing it out for discussion like a million other discussion starters, it might have led to a different response.

Agreed. But some things are difficult to open up about. I had never intended to share that specific incident with others. But believe me, I do understand many of the feelings rape victims have. And because I share that understanding, it invokes certain feelings in me.

Im sorry 36years, thats awful. Im not a violent person but I would cheerfully kill anyone who would hurt a child in that way.

I'll answer. I've been raped, so I do have a basis for comparison.

Both were sexual acts committed upon my body without my consent. I didn't consent to being sexually exposed to prostitutes. I didn't consent to having my body exposed to STDs and I would not have had sex with my XWH had I known that he was cheating on me. I certainly felt raped on DDay.