SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

At first, I thought that you couldn't compare the two, but clearly several don't feel that way and I will try to never discount another's experience/feelings. Like many people, I've had some more milder forms of sexual violence/abuse on me through the years. Even by my minister when I was in "counseling" after my ex left me. Absolutely nothing as traumatic as what others have described. My DD was very horrifying, and I ended up having to go on multiple meds for a bit to function. But 10 year out, I don't think about it or trigger any more. I have moved on, have a great life and a new SO who I plan to be with the rest of my life. I can still, to this day, recall in great detail, all the shitty things done to me. Why? Maybe because I was a child/kid/young adult. Maybe because I told no one and got no therapy. Who knows. But I am soooo sorry 36yrs (and everyone else).

Well, Dee and Hellfire, and me agreed with RIO on which caused us greater trauma, Cats. Seems like we have standing to make that assessment relative to ourselves, having experienced both.

Is this thread about what they have in common? or which is worse?

This thread is about what they have in common. It is absolutely not about which one is worse. Nowhere did I say the two were equal or that infidelity is worse than rape.

There can be things in common between the two. The sense of betrayal, feelings of being abused, trauma...

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 3:18 PM, November 10th (Tuesday)]

In Susan Anderson's book, "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing", she discusses how betrayal releases different chemicals in the brains of previously traumatized victims vs people with no prior history of trauma or abandonment. I seem to recall the neurochemical difference was said to be dramatic.

I was speaking in general terms - because of the people upset over his post. I am not upset. Let's be clear on that. I just happened to experience Both with my WH - Stinger.

This thread is about what they have in common. It is absolutely not about which one is worse. Nowhere did I say the two were equal or that infidelity is worse than the rape.

There can be things in common between the two. The sense of betrayal, feelings of being abused, trauma...

That was my point. The thread turned to comparisons...if to avoid the upset from some that have taken offense to it (not me) - I'm just saying to consider that. His post did not start that way - and my reply was speaking in general terms. I could have gotten my point across without using something someone else said that some rape victims would find insensitive. Everyone has their own experiences. Their own traumas. I get that. I know that everyone's experience is different.

[This message edited by CatsNTats at 3:25 PM, November 10th (Tuesday)]

This thread is about what they have in common. It is absolutely not about which one is worse. Nowhere did I say the two were equal or that infidelity is worse than the rape.

There can be things in common between the two. The sense of betrayal, feelings of being abused, trauma...

That was my point.

My response was not aimed at you. It is aimed at earlier posters who may have thought I was making the two equal.

Yeah, well, those who jumped the gun and got insulting might want to take reading comprehension courses.

Yeah, well, those who jumped the gun and got insulting might want to take reading comprehension courses.

Maybe, but I should've taken a writing comprehension course for creating the post without enough context to make it clear what I was saying.

I can't fault anyone for getting upset. I know what I was thinking and feeling at the time. I know what trigger hit me in the head and heart, leading to the post.

But, I unintentionally triggered other people.

But one thing I do wish to make clear: sharing what I shared was not easy. It was triggering to me. The following statement applies directly to me, other people might have different thoughts: as a man it is very difficult to talk about being sexually assaulted by a male.

For me, I have a deep feeling of shame and disgust that it happened. I am not stating this to compare what anyone else feels about being raped or sexually assaulted. My feelings are my own and I wish I could rid myself of them. So far I have been unsuccessful in that endeavor.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 3:31 PM, November 10th (Tuesday)]

Dealt with that, too, 36.

In Susan Anderson's book, "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing", she discusses how betrayal releases different chemicals in the brains of previously traumatized victims vs people with no prior history of trauma or abandonment. I seem to recall the neurochemical difference was said to be dramatic.

That's interesting. I keep meaning to read that book. My reaction on DDay was quite dramatic. I've never been in that kind of mental condition before and hope to never be again. I don't think I would have reacted the same way without having the rape trauma hit again simultaneously. It really did bring it all back fresh and I wouldn't have thought that was possible after all the years and all the work I'd done on that.

Type/text is easily misconstrued. So this is all I'm going to say and then I'm out...my first post was directed at early posters that were mad at 36 for posting this. What I used from RIO's statement and then mine after were what we call "examples" of things that could be considered insensitive. My point was that IF someone is going to be upset -- it would be more upsetting to have someone say one is worse than the other - than someone saying the common feelings they felt from both. That would be more upsetting (in general) probably to many victims.

Unfortunately, I have experienced both and with my late WH, infidelity with my (1st) WH, and I have experienced rape outside of both prior. I used myself as an example...saying that what could be considered insensitive. And more or less why bother even getting on the post if it upset them that much...that if someone is going to be upset over his post then be upset about them all.

They were examples.

I'm not minimizing anyone else's experience as I don't expect anyone to minimize mine.

If you read my post I said these types of posts can be read interpreted different ways...and I pointed it out about another...that you don't have to get on it if it bothers you. And supported 36 in beings able to discuss his reaction that he found commonality in.

I'm not looking for drama...and my panties aren't in a twist (can't be when you don't wear any).

Sorry if what I said wasn't clear. I'm running a thousand miles a min all day.

Sorry RIO. Like I said-- it wasn't personal.

And Dee - miss you lady.

And Dee - miss you lady.

Miss you too, gorgeous!! I have loved reading your updates.

If someone who experienced both sexual assault and infidelity wants to comment and ask opinions on commonalities, how does that offend anyone? How is that being " out of one's fucking mind".

What an absurd, insulting comment that was to someone hurt by both these experiences.

Im really sorry that you met that sick man and hopefully he is in jail or in hell now .

Where those two may have intersected for you - in both cases a lack of agency , lifelong pain anger sadness .

The header seemed misleadingly casual - im sorry for people who were hurt to even read it - obviously it wasnt a throw away sentence for you however.

Ive been cheated upon and also took a few kicks at one point - id take both again quite gladly over rape , personally i dont think its even on the same planet of pain . But thats me speaking for myself and clearly every person has lived their own life and noone elses

36, I’m so sorry that happened to you, and that you had to relive it. It breaks my heart for you and the others here who have gone through such a violation.

Rape is not about love. Neither is infidelity. Love would prevent a rape, Love should prevent infidelity.

I have been raped by my WH. Before, during our marriage and after our separation. I understand this.

My WH now understands that he has in fact raped me. Yes, he understands that he has committed indictable offences against me. Yet, he tells me he Loves Me? His Love didn’t prevent it...

Note to others: unless you’ve been there... walk in my shoes.

There is one space where I think a rape comparison might benefit in infidelity is when selecting a MC.

MC have a bad rep here on SI. Partially correctly and IMHO partially because their purpose isn’t understood.

If the MC in any way or form suggests the infidelity took place because of issues in the marriage, then ask them if they believe rape can ever be caused by the victim and therefore the victims fault.

I think any MC that doesn’t agree that rape is ALWAYS 100% the rapists fault is a person I would hate to pay money to get advice from.

Granted certain situations might be more conductive to end in rape or infidelity, BUT NEVER the fault of the victim. Be it the direct victim (rape) or the indirect victim (betrayed spouse) of the action.

I'll answer. I've been raped, so I do have a basis for comparison.

Both were sexual acts committed upon my body without my consent. I didn't consent to being sexually exposed to prostitutes. I didn't consent to having my body exposed to STDs and I would not have had sex with my XWH had I known that he was cheating on me. I certainly felt raped on DDay.

in both cases the similarity to me comes down to my humanity being cast aside. I had a powerful PTSD response on DDay that directly correlated with rape trauma from my teen years. It felt so much the same that they just intermingled.

The guy who raped me didn't give a shit about what I felt or wanted. I wasn't even a person to him. My XWH didn't give a shit about what I felt or wanted either when he was putting my body at risk and having sex with me under false pretenses. My reaction to infidelity was to feel the same dehumanization as I felt when raped. Both times on a sexual level.

It won't have hit every rape victim the same way. It is a legitimate comparison for some of us, though.

I'll go further and say that infidelity was more traumatic for me than being raped because the person who abused my body that time was the one I trusted with it above all others. I didn't trust the man who raped me. I only casually knew him.

I have been raped, and agree with all of this. In fact, I couldn’t have put it into better words. Infidelity triggered my past rape experiences hard. I felt physically violated and wanted to crawl out of my body if it were possible. Nothing felt worse than to have to sit in that and know there was nothing I could do to get out of that disgusting, violating feeling.

36,

I just went back and read more of the thread. I am so sorry for what you experienced. It was very hard to read.

[This message edited by maise at 8:24 AM, November 11th (Wednesday)]

I have been raped, and agree with all of this. In fact, I couldn’t have put it into better words. Infidelity triggered my past rape experiences hard. I felt physically violated and wanted to crawl out of my body if it were possible. Nothing felt worse than to have to sit in that and know there was nothing I could do to get out of that disgusting, violating feeling.

I am so sorry that happened to you. No one deserves to be raped or cheated on.

36,

I just went back and read more of the thread. I am so sorry for what you experienced. It was very hard to read.

Thank you for the kind words. It was very hard to write.