SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How does being fit = better?

Because the fat acceptance movement is a lie, nobody is “healthy at any weight”, and fat people have shorter, more sedentary and unhappy lives.

Health matters. Health doesn’t have to mean 6 pack abs but it doesn’t mean fat rolls and third chins either.

It's that they do not put in the same effort with their spouses that they did for strangers.

I understand that just fine and totally agree with the fact that a BS is owed the effort from their ws.

But going back to one of my earlier posts on this thread - if the underlying issue is about EFFORT, then make the post BE about the effort part. This thread is not being about the effort part. This thread is about how a ww must weigh x, go to the gym, do x sex thing, be made up, wear a sexy dress or she is not putting in 'effort' and thus is not 'justly compensating' her BH.

The 'effort' part is very hard to quantify and it is different for everyone, but I think is a very important topic to explore.

The idea that the only way a ww can show 'effort' is by allowing her BH to dictate how and what she does with her body is not one I will get on board with.

Because the fat acceptance movement is a lie, nobody is “healthy at any weight”, and fat people have shorter, more sedentary and unhappy lives.

Wow.

Generalize much?

If the drive to losing weight was mostly for external affirmations it brings that's not a healthy mindset for any wayward. Craving those affirmations is part of what lead them down the road to the A. To get healthy they have to flip that motivation to doing this for themselves. Would you rather have a slim and thin WW but still weak mentally or one more secure with themselves and therefore a safer partner?

I think as her husband I deserve at least the same as she was willing to do or give a complete stranger. I cannot for the life of me understand how someone can argue with that.

[This message edited by 99lawdog99 at 9:28 AM, February 22nd (Monday)]

I think everyone is failing to understand that it really has nothing to do with what a person looks like or turns into . it has to do with who or whom they make the effort for. I could care less what my wife looks like , however, I am pissed that for him, she made sure she was at her best but with me, it's like she couldn't care less. that's the point. It's that they do not put in the same effort with their spouses that they did for strangers.

Hard reality-

Your WW did an assessment. She judged how much effort and what it took to get and keep the AP...and that’s the effort she pu into him.

She did an assessment on you, how much she values you, what it takes to keep you around, and what she is willing to do...and that’s what you are getting. You get less because she values you less and thinks you are worth less, but won’t leave her.

Thus far, her assessment has proven correct. You showed her you will accept less and not leave.

Thus...you get less. What you allow is what will be. There is a solution for this problem.

I think I deserve at least the same as some stranger got.

If you're unhappy with "what you're getting" you have the option of the door?

When I read threads like this, it really just hammers home my anti-R bias. Everything is tainted post-affair. Everything is fraught. Resentment is a constant cloud over everything. How do you get past this weight issue? I don't know. The gender-based undertones to this post are bothering me, yeah, but I can completely understand the absolute resentment behind the OP. There's just no fairness with infidelity.

My offense was with the members jumping in, judging his wife and her weight loss efforts, offering suggestions to the OP on how to "fix" his wife's issues, offering ideas on how to "trick" the wife into healthy eating or living.

If the thread was truly about helping the OP and his feelings, then there wouldn't have been pages of tips, tricks, and ideas on how to change his wife. That is what I found offensive.

I can understand what you are saying Sadie.

But, why make the OP responsible for what kind of feedback he got? In the end, what I can see is we had someone who was earnestly trying to seek advice and then felt so ashamed for asking that he's essentially saying he's left the forum.

I don't think you gaslight or manipulate anyone to get them to lose weight. I think my post was to point out to some of the people here that this man's issue likely wasn't about his wife's weight. That includes the people who were just trying to fix that and that alone. But, I saw many people just saying what worked for them in weightloss, which was meant to be helpful but wasn't. Only because he said she's doing everything there, so the only thing we could work on was where he was coming from on it.

I also think that sometimes our mental health and our physical health are tied together. That doesn't have anything to do with boob size, butt size, or whatever else people want to point at. Just if we are mentally healthy we are more physically healthy and vice versa. That doesn't have to do with a number on a scale.

I think that the underlying issue is the effort, and that is a relevant and wholly different conversation.

I agree with that, but when the question is being asked sometimes the OP doesn't have that clarity over what they are asking. I have asked many things in this forum and rarely do I have the same understanding of what was bothering me until I got the responses. Then, I can say "OHHHH, yep! That's what IS bothering me"

I will rarely if ever defend a cheating spouse, but a woman never ever EVER owes a man her body in any way.

I don't disagree, but I never indicated that anyone did owe their body in any way. I indicated that if you cheat, and you want R, then you must show up and be reliable and consistent, there are a variety of ways to show that. Sometimes it IS about improving your sex life, or practicing self care. Lack of self care was about 75 percent on how I ended up in an affair to begin with. At the same time, I would never indicate someone's self esteem is based on a number on the scale. I would say though that some of that self esteem has been effected by not respecting yourself and taking care of yourself. That's not to indicate that looks a certain size or weight.

It's complicated - as a WS we have to learn to feel good about ourselves and passionate about our own lives. I do not think that's often achieved by treating our bodies like a trash can. I needed exercise for dopamine and coping. I needed to learn that my relationship with myself is the most important I ever would have.

I have strong compassion for any person and their struggles with weight loss. But, if you don't take care of yourself so you prop yourself up with other men rather than dealing with your own issues with your own body then you are not growing from your experience. I am also not sure how your spouse can feel safe in that scenario. I personally think the only way the BS regains attraction for the WS is that they are a stronger, healthier version of themselves. I did that FOR ME, not because my husband told me to do it. But, it would not have been accomplished at all if I didn't do it. I would have continued down the path of being weak and getting my feelings from everyone else. Personal care is part of the work, it just is. Being a size 2 or weighing 120 pounds is not.

And, I think for the BS they have to learn to think about their WS with generosity again and eventually that meets in the middle for some leveling out (at least that's what I THINK - not there yet).

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:50 AM, February 22nd (Monday)]

There's just no fairness with infidelity.

This.

And no amount of pretzel-twisting or hoop-jumping will make it fair. As long as the end goal is "fair" the end goal can never be met.

This is acceptance.

you are all right, there is the door and I am allowing it because I'm too old to start over. and say what you want, I am not willing to give up everything I worked a lifetime for because she could keep her legs closed. It's very easy to give advise to just leave, but sorry until someone shows me that they are willing to give up their home and everything they have and start over at 60, I'm not listening.

Thus...you get less. What you allow is what will be. There is a solution for this problem.

Totally agree with you except that the solution is worse than the problem. I'm a realist, I do divorces for a living , I see what happens and it isn't happening to me. I know I got dealt a crappy hand but in any poker hand, you play with what you are dealt and go from there but nothing stops you from bitching about it.

I'm sorry 99Lawdog99. I don't mean to sound flippant, because I'm not. I'm not sitting over here as the happiest, most accepting woman. I'm not all "our lives are so much better because he's a cheating asshole".

I am in my marriage still because that is the best situation for me in the over-all picture. But to get there, I've had to achieve a lot of acceptance. I can make myself sick, stressed, and living in all kinds of anxiety and there is NOTHING he can do to change that other than not cheat anymore. But he can't change the past, I can't change the past. Unless I accept that his behavior was terrible, the only person I'm affecting is myself.

I spent years turning myself in knots trying to get to "fair". Fair doesn't exist. It will never exist. I could put the same effort into finding a unicorn or big foot.... it would expend the same amount of energy with the same results.

If you are going to stay, I might suggest a dose of her own medicine.

Some people need a mirror in human form. Go live for you. Do your hobbies to the exclusion of her and her wants...demonstrate how selfishness feels. Put yourself 100% first, mentally, physically, emotionally, and sexually. Don’t ask to go away for the weekend...just pack and go.

I’m not saying that it’s a great healthy relationship approach, but sometimes you have to bring them to the table by demonstrating how it can be without you.

I am in my marriage still because that is the best situation for me in the over-all picture. But to get there, I've had to achieve a lot of acceptance. I can make myself sick, stressed, and living in all kinds of anxiety and there is NOTHING he can do to change that other than not cheat anymore. But he can't change the past, I can't change the past. Unless I accept that his behavior was terrible, the only person I'm affecting is myself.

I understand completely and that's the way I look at it. You guys are my therapy. My sounding board. I use this place to vent my frustration, frustrations that I know i cannot vent with her. if I didn't have you guys, I don't know what I would do and for that I thank each and every one of you. You are helping me keep my sanity.

I think as her husband I deserve at least the same as she was willing to do or give a complete stranger. I cannot for the life of me understand how someone can argue with that.

Effort isn't an unlimited resource. You likely found that out during the A as her efforts were diverted away from your relationship. Seems to me that effort is most importantly focused on making the wayward a safer partner and making your relationship stronger. Do you really want who your wayward was during the A? Not just the looks, but the complete package.

More importantly what is her response when you state what you have said here? That the AP was worth the effort and you are not. Don't assume what she is thinking.

[This message edited by grubs at 9:54 AM, February 22nd (Monday)]

And no amount of pretzel-twisting or hoop-jumping will make it fair. As long as the end goal is "fair" the end goal can never be met.

This is acceptance.

I can see what you are saying here. However, I don't think we would ever advise a BS to just let the WS be themselves and accept this is who they are right out of the gate.

There are many ways to improve and to demonstrate improvement. I find the best way to get respect is to respect yourself. Demonstrating that includes taking care of yourself, bringing more to your relationship. I don't think any BS can reach acceptance in the marriage without the WS doing a lot of hard work on themselves, and a lot of hard work in showing their spouse they know they made bad decisions but that they are 100 percent all in.

I do agree at some point the BS may have to accept this is as good as it gets and they need to work on accepting and feeling more generous if they want to stay married. Or decide that they accept the situation but they want a divorce. But for some time if that WS is not earnestly working on themselves and wooing you, then it's not likely to be a marriage that works out. For men wooing and sex are interrelated no matter what we want to say as women. Believe me, right now this pisses me off in the wake of my husbands affair. It makes me not to want to be married now or in the future.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:48 AM, February 22nd (Monday)]

I think everyone is failing to understand that it really has nothing to do with what a person looks like or turns into . it has to do with who or whom they make the effort for.

Lawdog, you seem to be saying exactly what some are thinking is not being said - for you, it IS about the effort factor. What I hear in what you are saying is, it doesn't so much matter how successful her effort might have been, it is that the show of effort was/is just not there.

It does not seem that lawdog's pain is not in what his wife looks like, it is what to what degree of effort she would not go for him as a sign of appreciation for his gift of R. Which, all generalizations aside, seems to be a more common behavior of former cheaters wanting to R than the opposite. It seems to align with the infidelity mindset. To move on. Please just forgive and let's move forward. The number of sad stories of lack of effort by fWS's (of any gender )seems a common refrain on SI.

[This message edited by DIFM at 9:59 AM, February 22nd, 2021 (Monday)]

Lawdog, you seem to be saying exactly what some are thinking is not being said - for you, it IS about the effort factor. What I hear in what you are saying is, it doesn't so much matter how successful her effort might have been, it is that the show of effort was/is just not there.

It does not seem that lawdog's pain is not in what his wife looks like, it is what to what degree of effort she would not go for him as a sign of appreciation for his gift of R. Which, all generalizations aside, seems to be a more common behavior of former cheaters wanting to R than the opposite. It seems to align with the infidelity mindset. To move on. Please just forgive and let's move forward. The number of sad stories of lack of effort by fWS's (of any gender )seems a common refrain on SI

yes, exactly. I could care less what she looks like. I did plan on growing old together with her so looks are going to change. For some reason it's hard for me to accept that some POS stranger , who she barely knew, got alot more in every area than I ever did or will.

The issue here is not weight.

The issue is the willingness of a WW or WH to move heaven and earth for the affair partner.

hikingout, I do not at all disagree with what you're saying. I don't disagree with the effort part in the slightest - yes of course a ws should put in the legwork on showing their BS effort after dday.

I don't disagree, but I never indicated that anyone did owe their body in any way. I indicated that if you cheat, and you want R, then you must show up and be reliable and consistent, there are a variety of ways to show that. Sometimes it IS about improving your sex life, or practicing self care. Lack of self care was about 75 percent on how I ended up in an affair to begin with. At the same time, I would never indicate someone's self esteem is based on a number on the scale. I would say though that some of that self esteem has been effected by not respecting yourself and taking care of yourself. That's not to indicate that looks a certain size or weight.

YOU didn't imply the body ownership part, no. But that implication IS here in this thread. My disagreement with these particular kinds of threads is simply that they seem to say the ONLY way for a ww to show that 'effort' to their BH is by being sexy and thin and dtf at any time, or otherwise she is not doing R. And I am saying that if a person is 'getting fit' solely to make someone else be happy with them or to fulfill someone else's expectations, then IMHO (as a person who has struggled with this for 30 fucking years) that is NOT healthy in any way whatsoever. A woman feeling like she owes a man her body for whatever reason is NOT HEALTHY. (And my perspective on this is as a person who has in the past felt like I owed it to others to look a certain way or achieve a certain weight so others would be happy with me - and that is not a healthy frame of mind and won't help me in my weight-loss goals.)