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When someone close to you confides in you that they are having an affair? This person has no idea about what has happened in my marriage. I am very triggered by her telling me. I’m also angry and feel like now I know this secret and her spouse does not. She said she feels like a bad person and it’s an emotional affair (long distance) that started a year ago.

What do you do with this information? Do you keep it to yourself? I think she was looking for empathy but obviously I do not have any for her. She has been in a bad marriage for a long time, but obviously her A is not the answer. She called me today to discuss again. I made an excuse to hang up.

Wondering how you would all handle this?

In the past, I had a co-worker/friend who started having an affair. He was not divorced at this time, and I could tell that his wife did not know about any of this(I only met her a few times, but she seemed like a sweetheart). He tried to make his rationalizations/justifications, and although he was not aware of MY situation, I shut him down pretty quickly.

I simply told him that it is immoral, and goes against what I look for in people around me. Which was fact. This isn't about emotional support; it is about right and wrong....and I don't want to be any part of that. It was the beginning of the end of our friendship, but with 'friends' like that, I would rather not socialize. No way was I going to show him any tolerance to this. I only hope that I would have behaved the same way had I NOT experienced infidelity, but I'll never know.

It sounds like your friend was attempting to assuage guilt from her actions by vocalizing it with you hoping you would give here supporting advice. You didn't. You left the conversation. That might be it with her confiding in you.

If it comes up again just tell her she has to end it and she has to tell her BS. Give her no moral support... none.

[This message edited by rugswept at 4:25 PM, July 21st (Wednesday)]

When someone close to you confides in you that they are having an affair?

I've been in this situation, and didn't say anything. Hindsight says that was wrong, and ultimately did neither of them any favors. The WS or the BS.

Some options:

- Tell them to stop or you will tell the BS

- Just tell the BS directly

- Tell the BS stealthily

- Cut off contact with the WS

- Give advice, and stay friends

Tough situation, H8...

Yikes, tough call. Prior to my own involvement in infidelity, one of my best friends was frequently unfaithful (PAs) as she and her hubby (also a good friend of mine) had a DB sitch and he was not at all interested in her sexually anymore (he flat-out said so, I witnessed it), and she had a very high libido, but they got along in every other way. Turns out he had cheated once as well (which, if I was my friend in a DB, I would have been SOOOO PISSED) but they ended up talking about all of their infidelities (courtesy of a drunk yours truly) and basically saying, yeah, we're not having sex, but we love each other anyway. (This was years ago, and her libido has dropped off the edge of the earth, so no more cheating.)

Having said all that.

Yikes. Again.

I'd say you be brutally honest about what has happened to you and how it has affected everything. Cheaters only think of themselves and either can't see how something affects others, or don't want to, so they make up the whole "my marriage is bad, s/he won't care anyway because they don't really love me" scenarios. If your friend sees how infidelity has scarred you, she may wake up. If not, then you gotta decide what type of person you want to be friends with. If she does that to the person she vowed to love and honor, what's to stop her from being a shitty person/friend to any/everyone else?

And make sure the BS finds out, one way or another.

Personally, I would tell her (by email) that I cannot and will not be supportive of somebody's who's having an affair and thus abusing their own spouse.

A lot of the options above are great. It does seem that you are clear with yourself that this is causing you a great deal of discomfort, so be equally truthful with her about that. It's okay to offer no personal revelations but to just say to her, "You clearly realize that what you're doing is a betrayal of your marriage, which is why you are keeping it a secret from your husband. So, I'm too uncomfortable to be privy to this secret. It makes me feel terrible." And maybe leave it at that.

If you want to be more pointed, you could say, "A while back a close friend was on the other end of this...." and let her know the damage it can do and also how it not only doesn't fix a marriage but just layers on more guilt and complications for the person (people) involved. Then you can still say that, with your understanding of how destructive these secret relationships are, you can't be her sounding board for this.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 4:52 PM, July 21st (Wednesday)]

"I've blown up four other affairs. Looks like I'm blowing up a fifth."

You should tell her that you find this wrong and if she has problems in her marriage, she should discuss it with her husband, and if it still doesn't work, she should get a divorce.

I’m really trying to imagine what I would do…

I think I would say “I have personally witnessed the devastation that infidelity causes, and I refuse to be a party to it. My advice would be to tell your husband immediately, and you two can decide what route to take from there. While I do care about you, I would prefer you to not confide in me on this issue any longer.”

[This message edited by Underserving at 5:50 PM, July 21st (Wednesday)]

What “Understanding” said.

AND.., I would maybe find a secure way to let the spouse know...in a way that can’t be traced back to you.

I would educate on the trauma and harm from affairs, even if I cloaked it with "I have a friend who...." (because after all, aren't we our own friends?)

Sending an anonymous copy of "not just friends" to the WS and to the BS would also be on my list of potential actions.

I would not rugsweep it with my friend - but that's my sunny personality shining through

My BFF has had a couple of almost-EAs and I've coached her to knock it off for her own sake. She's been a BS, too, so she knows the pain, and she knows it'd be a difficult thing for her to carry around, integrity-wise. She and her H are very different and their marriage is strained, so we've had many, many talks about either needing to get out of the marriage or suck it up and lean in.

It's funny, because most of us in the new pain of A discovery say that we'd tell the OBS at the drop of a hat, but many of us don't end up doing that because reality is much more complicated.

There was a couple that used to meet in the parking lot in front of my office. She'd leave her car there and get in with him, and be gone a couple of hours, then he'd drop her back at her car, kiss her, and smack her ass. It was blatantly obvious what they were doing. I even hollered across the parking lot at them one time asking them what they were up to. I ran their tags to see who they were and discovered that he lived around the corner with his wife and young kids. I considered telling the wife anonymously, but I was concerned about him retaliating at my workplace and decided against it.

Depending on how close you are to this woman, you might consider telling her what you're going through, how painful it is for the BS, how damaging it can be for the WS upon discovery, and advise her to get her shit together and knock it off. Might put the fear of God into her. At the very least, she'll probably stop talking to you about it.

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 7:03 PM, July 21st (Wednesday)]

Perhaps you could explain to her that betraying her husband in this way is the easy way to avoid the hard truth of her marriage. That engaging the affair is going to affect her psyche for years to come and the best thing to do is move to ending her marriage so she can be free to find someone that can make her happy.

If you feel that it would be inappropriate to share your own personal story/experience, but still want to reach out to them, then consider talking to them about their own personal integrity, what they consider to be healthy boundaries and how their actions fit in with those, and ask who they want to be (a liar and a cheater, or a person with integrity)? Point out to them that lying, sneaking around, living a double life, is not consistent with someone who loves themselves, and they will never look back on this time in their life with any chance of self-respect or pride, only shame and regret. Point out that they there are stealing the power of choice from their current spouse, and also from the spouse/children/family of the AP. If they have children, ask them how they would feel if their kids did this to their spouses one day? Go for the gut. The honest truth is, it is hell to rebuild your sense of self-respect after infidelity. Appeal to that.

If you do happen to share your story with them, perhaps you'll consider sharing SI with them? This is one of the few places a WS can come to and get advice from people who have walked in the shoes of people on both sides of infidelity.

Everyone that knew but didn't tell me, I see them as co-conspirators to stealing years of my life.

One of about a dozen people confronted my wife and gave her a timeline to tell or be told on.

Because of that, I would tell so that I can look at myself in the mirror. To not tell would be a violation of my values.

I have not had this come up, but other shady behaviors have been admitted to me, and I am upfront that I will not aid or abet.

I've been in this situation, and didn't say anything. Hindsight says that was wrong, and ultimately did neither of them any favors. The WS or the BS.

This through and through. I’ve been reflecting a lot on this aspect of it and I am absolutely in agreement with HoP. I actually feel that telling is the best thing to do not only for a BS but also a WS in the long term, as it gives them the chance to become a safer partner and let’s face it a more healthy human being.

I’m so sorry you’ve been put in this situation, this friend clearly thought she’d find an empathic ear and you can still be that but not in the way she expects, clearly stating what you know about infidelity, you don’t have to talk about it from a personal view, just the generic harm. What you know about people’s why, what you know about it as abuse, trauma etc You could be instrumental in moving her understanding of what she is doing on.

I would most certainly give her the option to tell her husband first before you find a way of him knowing if that’s what you choose to do.

Again I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position.

Tell her the truth. "I think that what you're doing is selfish and immoral. If you want advice on how to save your marriage, this all I have for you: end your affair and come clean with your husband. If you don't want advice and just want a shoulder to cry on, talk to someone else."

When someone close to you confides in you that they are having an affair?

While I suspected, a friend of the AP, who was also a friend of mine, warned me about him. I don’t know what the two of them discussed, I just know he told me that Dan was a “snake in the grass” and to watch out.

I figure he did everyone a favor when he told me.

I would maybe find a secure way to let the spouse know...in a way that can’t be traced back to you.

I have done this.