SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The title says it all.

A couple of months ago I had posted that I thought I was done. I tried. I really did. I have come to the conclusion that I can't undo, overlook, repair or most importantly, live with what was done to me. It's been 3 years of work and in the past few weeks it's been no intimacy, no real talking outside of things with the kids and mundane crap. I don't want to start being a sleuth again even if nothing is going on. My energy is gone.

I am trying to gather my thoughts and envision the conversation , at least from my end. It is nothing angry, no more blaming, no more he said she said. I'm just tired of getting "that feeling" in my gut every so often, and I don't want it in my life anymore. I've had 2 days of feeling like crap about it and as I'm typing it and looking at it I am sick to my stomach, but it is the only and right thing to do for my sanity, my life and my kids.

I deserve better. I work hard. I take care of my kids and have done everything in my power to give my family a comfortable life. It's time for me to get out from under the cloud of the A. The D conversation almost happened last night as W was off unexpectedly, but I really wanted to have my thoughts in order. I don't know how she'll react. For all I know, she won't even care. Wish me luck. It will happen within the next couple of days depending on when we are alone for a bit.

I’m sorry it didn’t work out. But as you stated you tried your best. And that is all anyone can expect.

It is possible the Affair was a deal breaker all along but you tried to Reconcile in spite of your gut reaction.

I had a very well rehearsed speech I gave to my H two days after Dday2, that being his second affair (that I knew of).

It went like this (very calm and rational):

I am divorcing you. I have nothing left to give to this marriage. I am sorry it has come to this. You are free to go and be with the OW or anyone else you choose.

I then left the room. It was not a discussion snd I had the mediator lined up and $ in the bank to last me a year if he never gave me another penny.

A few days later I told him he had to leave. He refused. I made a phone call and in 2 days he was going to a friend’s house until he figured out his next move. I wasn’t helping him do a darn thing - he was on his own.

The suggestion is to have your announcement prepared and rehearsed. Yours may evolve into a discussion b/c you have "reconciled". But have a plan together - who is leaving, mediation or attorneys, what you will pay for child support in the interim, schedule of visitation temporarily etc.

Write it down if you most. Have sn exit date if you are leaving.

If yelling starts then leave the room. It will be unproductive to continue in a highly emotionally charged environment.

R is a heavy weight to carry. I very much understand wanting to take it off of you. It sounds like you will be able to breathe a little easier, and walk a little lighter, once you have unburdened yourself. D is still hard, even when you know it’s the right decision. I hope your talk goes as well as it can. Wishing you strength and healing in your next chapter.

The1stWife ( member) posted at 9:59 AM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021
I’m sorry it didn’t work out. But as you stated you tried your best. And that is all anyone can expect.

It is possible the Affair was a deal breaker all along but you tried to Reconcile in spite of your gut reaction.

Thank You. you may be right about this and it really bothers me that I wasted so much time thinking that things were going to work out.

R is a heavy weight to carry

Absolutely. Especially when it creeps into your head that it's false R but you push on thinking "nah, that's just me getting into my own head"...

If you haven’t already checked it out, the SI Divorce/Separation forum has great support there for your next steps.

No one can R by themselves — not even the strongest among us.

Sorry that your spouse didn’t appreciate the final chance you offered.

Direction is always a good thing, and now you have a chance to start taking positive steps for you every day moving forward.

I rode the false R train for 9 months past dday1. It was horrible and after all was said and done, not really worth it. I don't regret it though - I know I did everything I possibly could to work it out. Just want to say that I am sorry R didn't work out for you.

D is scary - I know the thought of it terrified me. But to offer you some hope too.... my life now, 3 years past dday 1 and almost 2 years D'd, is better and happier and simpler and more peaceful that I EVER thought it could be. D wasn't what I wanted, but it was very much what I needed even though I didn't realize that until it was all over and done with. And either way you go here, you are getting yourself free of infidelity and that is worth everything!

Hang in there my friend. This too shall pass!

it really bothers me that I wasted so much time thinking that things were going to work out.

You did not waste time. You took the time you needed to figure it all out and come to a conclusion. That is not a waste.

I said something similar to The1stWife - scariest moment of my life. "She wins. You are free to be together. I will no longer stand in your way. Good luck. God speed. Halleluiah - holy shit - where's the Tylenol" Then I calmly left the room as he pulled his head out of his ass. I was willing to lose the marriage to save it. In the Land of Chaos - things are going well. But I know I am enough. If in my case the God Forbid happens, I will not view it as time wasted. I will view it as taking the time I needed to figure it out.

Take care of yourself.

I'm sorry things did not work out the way you wanted. I hope that making this decision allows you to let go of some of the stress and move forward in a positive way. Try to focus on the future and the positive changes you can make when you are no longer carrying around the weight.

Thanks everyone. Conversation will hopefully take place shortly. Hopefully once the words come out I can breathe again. Sad that she was just sitting across the table like nothing was wrong.

I don't know what your feelings are. Maybe it's just "I deserve better".

When I asked my wife for a D in writing, the main upshot was "I don't trust you, and I don't think I ever will. We aren't on a path to re-establishing trust, so we should get divorced."

I'm so sorry that things didn't work out as you hoped and you weren't treated the way you should have been. But I am glad to hear that you found clarity and direction.

You tried, you can hold your head high.

When I asked my wife for a D in writing, the main upshot was "I don't trust you, and I don't think I ever will. We aren't on a path to re-establishing trust, so we should get divorced."

This is my main reason as well. Things were so much better for so long (or so I thought?) but when you get that nagging feeling, it's hard to shake. Then you say to yourself " what if I never had to have this feeling again? " and you MEAN it.

Unfortunately the conversation did not take place last night. I didn't really get an opening without the kids being within earshot. Unfortunately it may have to wait until they're back in school and we're both at home.

If you are truly resolved in getting divorced, I would avoid giving a lengthy explanation that she could perceive as an invitation to debate.

It’s not like you just fell out of love or your marriage was slowly disintegrating. She cheated on you. Every cheater entertains the possibility that they could get caught and then divorced. Even if they think getting caught is unlikely, they still make that risk calculation in their heads.

So here’s what I think you should say: "I’ve decided I want a divorce. I tried my best to rebuild our marriage, I gave you the opportunity to regain my trust, but it’s now clear to me that will never happen."

Don’t let her rope you into a debate or a negotiation.

What did she say to convince you not to D originally? Did something change since then that makes her reasons for staying with her unconvincing or is it just the daily grind?

Sometimes I imagine D. I see myself realistically in a small duplex with my kids. Life would be harder financially, and I would shoulder 90% of the parenting alone, but there is something so freeing about that thought at the same time. I realized it’s the control that I crave the most. If I was by myself, I wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore. The "unknown" the "risks" would be mitigated, because I’d be the only one in the driver’s seat. He’s the loose cannon. And it’s fucking scary. It induces anxiety that you can’t escape from, or at least that’s how it feels. The slightest mood change from my husband, and there I am running through worst case scenarios. I get being exhausted of that. I get wanting to remove the "risk" so you can finally fucking relax!

If you are resolved to D, I 100% understand. I respect the hell out of that decision. But it’s also normal to have these thoughts in R. It doesn’t necessarily mean you will forever, or that it was written in the stars you aren’t someone who can reconcile after infidelity. I think R is a lot messier and harder than people realize. If you’re still tempted to up and run a couple of years into it, that doesn’t have to mean it’s destined to fail. I believe it’s more "normal" to feel that way, than it is to not! This shit is awful. And it’s tiring. And sometimes, or a lot of the time, you want to say "fuck it." Maybe you really mean that. Maybe it’s a part of this grueling marathon process that isn’t talked about enough, and you’ll change your mind.

Just wanted to offer another perspective. I’m NOT trying to talk you out of D. I know you know the best decision for you and your family.

What did she say to convince you not to D originally?

That's just it - when all was said and done, it was her actions that made me stay. She did the work. She put myself and our family first. she sought help. Things were better.....and then they weren't. I caught her by gut instinct on DDay 3 years ago. I KNEW something was up beyond a shadow of a doubt even without knowing anything. I got that feeling again and I just said no way. Not again. I'm not going through it.

Edited to clarify when DDay was.

[This message edited by Happenedtome2 at 3:17 PM, Thursday, October 21st]

I think R is a lot messier and harder than people realize. If you’re still tempted to up and run a couple of years into it, that doesn’t have to mean it’s destined to fail. I believe it’s more "normal" to feel that way, than it is to not! This shit is awful. And it’s tiring. And sometimes, or a lot of the time, you want to say "fuck it." Maybe you really mean that. Maybe it’s a part of this grueling marathon process that isn’t talked about enough, and you’ll change your mind.

THIS.

It is messy. It can be an absolute GRIND. It leaves you sitting alone when your spouse it out doing literally ANYTHING without you wondering if they're lying to you. When their phone vibrates and you wonder if it's an AP.

It's impossible to know the best decision. I have wrestled with it since DDay.

[This message edited by Happenedtome2 at 3:38 PM, Thursday, October 21st]

It's impossible to know the best decision. I have wrestled with it since DDay.

I did this too. But ultimately it helped for me to really internalize this... I can only control ME. And the decision was one I had to make because it was what was best for ME. I was not gonna do the policing thing, the wondering who he's talking to thing, the what's on his phone thing... I wasn't interested in any of that. Nor was I interested in staying in a marriage where I wasn't valued and cherished and where my care and love weren't reciprocated in kind. I wasn't going to do any of that nonsense because I deserve better - and so do you.

D is such a hard decision to come to, and for me the worst part about it was that it was a decision that I was forced into because of my xwh's conduct. But I can tell you this too - I don't regret making the decision to D. Not for one second have I regretted it.

Yep. As I said, any shift in mood, any off day my husband has, anytime he doesn’t act the way I think he should, there I am doing a gut check. Unfortunately, my gut is just as traumatized as my brain is 😂 I can’t always trust if it’s alerting me to some real threat, or if I’m constantly preparing myself for the worst, as a way to prevent being caught off guard and ultimately hurt all over again.

Ellie is right that we can’t control anyone but ourselves. It seems like that would be so much easier if we didn’t have another person so enmeshed in our lives. A world where we can live in our own little protective bubble that our spouses can’t come pop whenever they feel like it. I find myself longing for that on those days I’m too tired to "fight" anymore. To fight for our marriage or even to fight my own damn mind! Leaving seems like it’s the answer on those days. And ya know what? I allow myself to really weigh that option. I sit on it and see if how I’m feeling changes, and If my lizard brain calms the fuck down. For me, It always does. Not necessarily the same day, or hell even the same week, but eventually I find my bearings, and am able to see a little clearer what I really want when I’m not in traumatized self preservation mode. Then I try to be kind to myself for that back and forth I’m constantly doing, because of fucking course I’m going to do that. It seems so obviously expected after an intimate betrayal, and not some deciding factor that R just isn’t in the cards.

If you’re really ready to end R and start a new chapter, I wish you the very best!! You’re going to be just fine, and I’m sure will make a very nice life for yourself. If you decide you want to stick it out and see what happens, that’s ok too! I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in how you’re feeling, and those feelings don’t automatically make R hopeless.

(((Happenedtome2))) Hugs to you! It is such a difficult decision to come to. I wish you the best and you will get peace of mind, that's the part I wouldn't trade for anything. Check out the D/S forum we are there to support you through this process.