SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know those of you who knows me are probably not surprised not see me again. My husband is showing some serious red flags that make me worried hes having an A. The big issue is the gaslighting. It's making me go/feel crazy. He says one thing does the other. He will say I do or say or mean to say something that's never happened. When we moved the plan was I would stop watching my friends baby and go back to school. I brought it up the other day and he made me feel like shit about it. That not watching the other baby would be me not bringing in any money and only going to school is a lot to put on him and it isn't fair. He bring up the A a lot lately. He keeps talking about how he isn't able to go and do things because of it, which isn't true. He went out of town with his brother a few weekends ago. We went to his buddy's bday this weekend. He asked one day if he could walk to the neighbors to say hi, all I asked was if he would come back (because we were walking to the other neighbors in a bit for dinner. We have 3 kids. We need to communicate!). He took that as me saying he couldn't go because he had an A. Made a big deal about it after I practically begged him to go. After dinner I told him he could stay and hang out or go back after we got the kids in bed "NOPE! IM NOT GONNA DO IT. IM NOT ALLOWED TO DO THINGS BECAUSE I HAD AN AFFAIR!". I was so confused. My mom asked me to go get a pedicure the day after Thanksgiving, and his response was "When do I get to go and do things?! Like get a hair cut?!". My mom looks at me like WTF? I'm thinking, well you already go every 6 weeks when you find time and I literally had to cut my own hair the other day because its been 3 years since I've been to a salon. I finally got an eye doctor appointment and at the 1 hr 27 minute mark he called me asking where I was. I was on my way home. I told him that after the doctor no had to drop off our old cable box and grab a poster board for our daughters project. He is constantly angry, or bringing up the A lately. Just so many red flags. I have no proof so I'm trying to think of what to do. But in the meantime, how do y'all handle gaslighting? It's really starting to wear on me. I leave in 2 weeks for 2 nights (but 3 LONG days) in Disney for work and while I was looking forward to it, I'm not so much now. I feel like I'll never heard the end of it. Mind you before all this shit happened, he was in new Orleans almost every weekend with his dad and brother going to football games. But apparently none of that counts because he was with family and not getting hammered the whole time. The times he goes and does stuff, he comes back and complains that it wasn't fun without me. So he's MISERABLE wanting to go and miserable when he does go. I can't handle it. I'm so close to filing. I just want to get through the holidays.

You aren't in a real reconciliation is the issue here:

"IM NOT ALLOWED TO DO THINGS BECAUSE I HAD AN AFFAIR"

That isn't a transference of vigilance (one of my favorite terms from "How Can I Forgive You"). He views reasonable boundaries as controlling. He should willingly choose to not do things that would suggest a lack of devotion (accept your boundaries), and communicate to you clearly when he does something that might worry you that he has thought about it up front. That to assuage your anxiety he will provide XYZ because he cares about you and doesn't want to hurt you.

Go and enjoy yourself during your work break. Maybe take time to think about what you really want. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Is your WH going to be a safe partner? Are you willing to live with this or not?

Elle2 what do you want? It is clear your WS isn't recognizing his hurtful behavior and feels entitled to take and not give.

What is the next step for you?

This is definitely not what I want. At one point I thought I could manger it. I could suck it up and keep it together while the kids were little, work through it even.. maybe? But lately it's becoming more and more clear that it's not something I can do. I'm completely unhappy and I would even say, depressed. I wake up not wanting to get out of bed. I worry what kind of mood the day will bring for him. I show very little affection to him if any because the slightest bit, to him, means SEX SEX SEX. We've talked about it in therapy but clearly everything we did in therapy has gone by the wayside. Even my mom (who we are living with now, temporarily) has made comments about him and his mood or his behavior. I told her about how he was so wishy washy about me with school and not watching the baby and she told me " you ARE going to school and you WILL STOP watching the baby so you can focus on school. If he doesn't agree with that then.....I'll support you". I thought that she was gonna say divorce him because she had a very thoughtful pause and prior to that she saw him have a pity party about not being able to do anything (as he was getting ready to go to his friends bday) and making me feel bad for not wanting to go because I just really don't like those people and my mom didn't want to babysit. I know what I need to do but damn it's hard. And I know it will only get hard but just taking that step feels... insurmountable. Mostly because no one really knows just how bad things are and how unhappy I am. Except for you guys.

He sounds like a petulant teenager. I'm so sorry Elle - you don't deserve this. Even if there had been no affair, this behaviour sounds super unacceptable.

He sounds like a petulant teenager.

I was coming here to say the exact same thing.

You are being abused. Period.
If every mean and abusive thing he said to you showed up as a physical bruise would you continue to stay?
Time to pull the rip cord dear. Your kids deserve at least one healthy happy parent and you aren't going to be that person until this toxic poison is out of your life.
Let your Momma help you. Protect yourself and your kids.
You have been in this situation so long you don't realize the damage he is doing to your well being. Your momma is seeing it though. I bet if you asked her to speak freely you would get her support in anyway she can provide it.

So, do I have this right?
- he had an A and ended up with restrictions
- now he's raging about the A here and there
- he wants to be gone a lot
- somehow, now, you're the guilty party.

It seems you don't have much of an M with this man. (And I'm not including any A stuff into that assessment).

If you have a future with this man as a W then intimacy is really part of that deal, at some level. That should be worked on. And yes, I get it: one little nibble and he pounces like a snapping turtle. That's what I mean: it needs work.

I do know there's an A here, for sure, A=angry. He's an angry man. He sounds bitter. That's some kind of frustration. And it all started with the other A=affair.

Yes, this M should be reassessed after the holidays. He's really not a H.

May be he's having an affair or may be he isn't.

The issue you're contending with is that you are married to someone who is mean-spirited, inconsistent, and manipulative.

Is this behavior you are willing to tolerate for the rest of your life, as long as you feel fairly confident that he isn't putting his penis in other women? What are your dealbreakers?

Give these questions some serious thought.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:33 PM, Tuesday, November 30th]

"NOPE! IM NOT GONNA DO IT. IM NOT ALLOWED TO DO THINGS BECAUSE I HAD AN AFFAIR!"

Just want to briefly weigh in and say that this is some next level verbal Jiu Jitsu when he leverages his misdeeds against your psyche. There is no reasoning with the emotional maturity of a five year old. "But I want it, Mama!"

Edited to add: ................
Edited again to reduce likelihood of triggers

[This message edited by Repossessed at 12:09 AM, Thursday, December 2nd]

WHY does his demands come before YOU?

YOU need to come first b/c you need to be able to stand on your own. No matter what happens with your marriage.

YOU need to come first b/c you need to be able to stand on your own. No matter what happens with your marriage.

Exactly. If your partner doesn't want you to be a better version of yourself, what does that say about them?

One of my favorite taglines from a member here is:

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of someone else's kite

It makes a ton of sense.