SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I’m new to the forum and this is my first post. Looking for any advice on how to successfully get over my relationship with my toxic husband. I’ve been with him 13 years , since I was a teenager actually. Our relationship has always been a roller coaster since the beginning. Even at age 15 he was cheating on me, and never stopped at age 28. I caught him many times, we broke up, reconciled , and resumed what I fooled myself into being the strongest relationship ever. Just recently I found out by his own admission that he has had over 30 affairs that I wasn’t aware of, including a so called friend of mine , hookers, strippers, and random strangers online via Craigslist and tinder. The revelation has since shattered me and I’ve been trying to hold on for dear life as he promised to finally get help . Before that even happened he did more shady shit and I broke things off. Now as I’m trying to heal he’s just using the time to still pursue others and everything he does seems to be a slap in my face . He is your typical psychopath as he admitently doesn’t feel any type of emotion nor empathy. He has completely stonewalled and abandoned me Despite everything I still find myself clinging on to hope and obsessively worrying about him and his further indiscretions. I know I’m addicted to him, and I just so badly want to break the cycle because I’ve been nothing but a door mat all these years. Any help out there ? Thanks in advance ❤️

Please look on youtube for Dr Ramani Durvasula. She is a psychologist very specialized in personality disorders. I just watched a discussion she had about sociopaths and she said there’s no fixing them. When he tells you he does not love and he does not have empathy he’s telling you the truth. He will drop people like rocks when he’s done with them. You provided a bed space and some good food and so he kept you around. Now that you know what he’s up to you are no use to him anymore. Sociopaths are scammers, cheaters, liars, crooks and sometimes murderers. Please get away from him as fast as you can and stop thinking you can change him. They’ve done enough studies of the brain to know that what’s wrong is wrong and there’s no fixing it.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 11:17 PM, Monday, December 27th]

Professional help is your best option. Just for you.

Please, please make a safe plan to escape and don’t let him onto how or when. The above advice is correct and sociopaths generally do not fix themselves or change. Another book is The Sociopath Next Door. Please be safe and know that you deserve so much more. We are here to support you.

I Am currently
In therapy , but so far have only had one session. He also started therapy and his therapist told him I’m an enabler . She also said she thinks she can help him with his lack of emotions and how to understand them. A part of me wants to wait it out and see what happens, the other part wants to ruin because this is my 4th rodeo with the same shit

I’m so sorry you were here. Therapy and for a good long time to heal yourself of being the enabler and get away from him. Perhaps you can fix his issues and become a safe partner, but that is going to take years and tons of dedication from him. In the meanwhile get yourself safe and help yourself heal.

** Posting as a Member **

My ex is a psychopath (now known as Anti-Social Personality Disorder which falls under Cluster B Personality Disorders, and also includes sociopaths). In my case, he admitted (after the divorce was already final) that he has no conscience and has known that since he was a kid. He shared this gem on the day we discovered our son died. Kind of exemplifies his lack of empathy. He was also a serial-cheater that lived a double life with me for almost 30 years. He will never change his sense of entitlement.

The best thing I did was read, read, and read some more on ASPD. Knowledge is power, and I wanted to know what I was dealing with (and how best to navigate the divorce with the least amount of friction and animosity). Having a better understanding gave me better insight in what to expect so I could plan accordingly based on what I knew (with a fair degree of certainty after almost 30 years together) his behavior would be.

Know one thing, nothing YOU do can fix this. If he is truly disordered (which only a professional can formally diagnose), it is fully on him to do something about it. You cannot change him or control him so don't try.

Despite everything I still find myself clinging on to hope and obsessively worrying about him and his further indiscretions.

We refer to this as being stuck on "hopium." Very common. No one *wants* to see their marriage destroyed by infidelity, and sometimes it is difficult to come to terms there is nothing left to save. The addiction to the hopium can be very strong. Learning to emotionally detach can help tremendously, but it can still take time.

I know I’m addicted to him,

I also encourage you to read about co-dependency. "Co-dependency No More" by Melanie Beattie is a popular read. Removing yourself from being co-defendant will help tremendously with emotional detachment. Otherwise, you will find yourself in a vicious cycle. Like any addiction, it takes work to overcome.

Not all with classic sociopathy or psychopathy (ASPD) are evil, but some certainly are. You know your situation best, but be careful as sometimes leaving these individuals can be the most dangerous time. In my case, my ex was definitely of the "if I can't have her, no one can" mindset so I had to be cautious (still am, but less so now that he has remarried to a new victim).

Keep posting. The folks here understand what you are going through, and we will support you every step of the way.

Hi, Shaunzee. I am glad you are in therapy.

The best advice I can offer is value yourself because it seems your husband has never valued you.

You've been living in a lather, rinse, repeat pattern for so long, you don't even know what it's like to be free and in a faithful, stable relationship.

Understand you cannot fix him, and after so much disgusting behavior, IMO he's not fixable. If he is, it will take YEARS.

You deserve happiness, and I don't think you will every be happy living in this toxic environment. 30 affairs? Nope. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. He is putting your health at risk every time he has sex with another woman, and especially during this pandemic when risky behavior can lead to death.

Honestly, I would look for a safe way out and begin to live your life to the fullest. If you stay you will always remain vigilant and be stressed and looking over your shoulder. That's no way to live.

You can do this. Lean on family and friends for support and run away as fast as you safely can from this abuser. Call a women's shelter, they will come up with a plan for you.

Thanks everyone for the great advice ! I am just trying to take it day by day. He doesn’t live with me anymore and unless it pertains to our kids I’m really trying to refrain from talking to him at all. He works 4 hours away anyway so he’s always stayed up in hotel for the week, hence why the affairs were so easy to get away with. I appreciate the concerns about getting out safely, but he doesn’t have violent tendencies. In the true sense he really just doesn’t care about anything or what I do. Which hurts in its own way, but I can say with absolute certainty he would never physically hurt me.

He would hurt you if you got in his way. It might not be physically but it’s possible. My husband’s business is such that he has to deal with many types. Every now and then he will tell me about an interaction that sounds suspiciously like a sociopath. If he left his office while they were there things would disappear. He even had someone working for him, a woman, who was blatant about her behavior. He finally let her go but not before she nearly drove him crazy. It took me going to work with him, keeping an eye on her, that gave him enough info to fire her. These people are the Bernie Madoffs of our lives.

Prevailing info say about 4% of the world’s population is sociopathic. 8 billion means 32 million live amongst us. You happen to have the misfortune to live with one.

I'm glad you're a good person who can love and forgive. This does not mean however that you need to stay with someone clearly on a different path. He wants to exercise his free will to be selfish. That's a lonely, using path. It's a life of lies and more lies. He will never know true joy or happiness. That's not for you.

It will take time but you can build your confidence up. Good people will come into your life. I met so many users and liars when I was young. When you have a trusting heart, it's easy to be taken advantage of.

The good news is you have a long happy life ahead. Think right now what that might look like for you. Dream big!

Please don't wait for him to change. You change. You be the best person you can be. It's hard at first to be out there walking in a new direction but you choose only the things that bring meaning to your life and help you grow as a person. You know when somethings not right and listen to that voice. Don't reason it down or stop listening. The more you listen to your own heart, then your choices reflect that. Life is learning. Good things are waiting for you. You are free to choose them now.

Therapy is often called "finishing school for psychopaths." Therapy doesn’t make psychopaths more empathetic; it just broadens their vocabulary and teaches them a wider range of emotions to mimic.

It’s far more likely that he will end up playing the therapist like a fiddle than the therapist reforming him. Outside of the prison system, there are very few therapists who specialize in treating patients with antisocial personality disorder and the general consensus among them is that the most that can be achieved from a treatment standpoint is to convince a psychopath that playing by society’s rules is in their own best interests.

The only way to get out of this relationship is no contact. Go cold turkey. Tell him you never want to hear or see him again. Change your phone number, close your social media accounts, whatever you need to do to make yourself as inaccessible to this man as possible. I would also suggest moving away if that’s possible. Limit contact with any mutual friends and don’t share important personal details with them. If he circumvents your attempts to block him from contacting you, have a lawyer write a cease and desist letter or get a restraining order if necessary.

This might seem like an insurmountable challenge, but no contact is your only option if you want to shake this man off for good. He has been with you since your formative years and knows exactly what buttons to push to make you do whatever he wants. You need to commit to cutting him out for good.

When people are used to being in control and then they lose it, you cannot predict how they will act. I hope he does not become violent but you just never know how people will react.

Be cautious.

Enabler? Well, probably ... but that doesn't mean you bear any responsibility for your H or for what he does. He chooses to cheat. He chooses to work 4 hours away from you. He chooses to abuse your good nature.

You might check into Dr. Brenda Schaeffer's Is It Love or Is It Addiction.

How involved is he with your kids? Finances? NC would be best, but the more involvement, the harder it will be to do that.

Have you consulted a good D attorney? Have you gotten tested for STDs?

The feeling of holding on for dear life is normal. Make sure you keep yourself hydrated. Move your body - if you have young kids that probably comes naturally....

Keep working on yourself. I know life looks pretty dark right now, but you're taking steps to make it better. If you keep at it, those steps will pay off in positive ways.

Oh Shaunzee, so sorry you are struggling. It's so very very hard sometimes.

I would just echo turning the focus (as best you can, cuz it's easier said than done for many of us) to YOU and the wonderfulness that is you. Some of us (maybe you, maybe not) have to learn how to really love ourselves, to discover our own worth, to learn that we are OK and awesome, just the way we are (flaws and all).

So you feel like you've been a doormat... that sucks. AND you have the absolute ability to learn new ways of seeing yourself and changing how you respond to folks who treat you that way.

And one way to begin that journey is to follow Sisoon's advice - find a good attorney, get checked for STDs (and tell the Dr your spouse has been sleeping around and you need the FULL panel), hydrate, exercise, etc. I would add to find as many things as you possibly can that bring you JOY (there's a great book called Resilient by Rick Hansen that has something called the HEAL steps that really helped me - I got on audiobook on hoopla via my library and was glad I did bc I could listen and do the exercises w/o having to look at a book). If watching a baby giggle brings you ONE moment of joy (I'm a total sucker for a laughing baby), then find some videos and think of how good it FEELS in your heart and your body and your soul to just hear that innocent laughter. IMO, joy is often like Kryptonite to pain. Find the things that work to bring joy to YOU. Hansen also talks about being a friend to OURSELVES.

I don't have experience with the disturbed behavior you speak of WRT your WS. However, I do know that early on I spent WAY too much of my own energy trying to figure out my spouse, to Dx him, to understand him, etc. And for me, that energy would have been better spent trying to figure MYSELF out... to explore what it was inside ME that hurt so bad and had so much difficulty emotionally detaching from someone who had caused me so much harm... what it was inside me that felt more comfortable focusing on the hope that HE would change, rather than putting my energy into a personal commitment to heal myself (and GENTLY, maybe to get to the underlying stuff inside you that didn't walk your fine ass out the door after rodeos 1, 2 and 3 - no judgment there, I stuck around after the first rodeo, and I am decidedly NOT alone in this respect - MANY BS on SI had to go thru a rodeo or two or five)

Sending you hugs and strength... I hate that you needed SI, but am glad you found us.

Thanks everyone again for the continued support and responses . I should clear up that since we split he has in no way showed any interest or love for me. That’s been the hardest . I know a lot of people are saying run, get away from, etc… but he’s the one who pulled everything away. I think he knows that hurts me most. I have very limited contact with him. Things blew up last week because my daughter said he has a girlfriend , and then he never checked into a hotel. Hurts that he could move on so easily and that I meant so little. That’s been the hardest part moving forward. But I have been moving forward and each day is getting a little easier. I’ve been putting so much effort into my mental and physical health and I can feel it paying off. I’m still addicted to him, but I can feel it fading and a new hope is starting to take its place . It’s very hard to face terms that he could flip a switch on our love in an instant , but I use that as a reminder as to why I can’t go back. It’s not worth the pain. The highs were high, but the low unbearable . Thanks again everyone ❤️

There is something wrong with a person if they " just flip a switch" and move on to a new relationship in the blink of an eye.

Insecurity. Fear of being alone. Unable to be an adult and live without someone as their security blanket.

I’m sorry your cheating Husband has just ghosted you and your family like that.

Shaunzee, you should reframe his current behavior as the best thing he’s ever done for you. Because he completely abandoned the relationship, he gave you the opportunity to finally detach and move on with your life.

I still recommend that you take action to prevent him from contacting you in the future. I realize not all of my advice is practical considering you have a child, but you need to do everything you can to limit the ways he can sink his hooks into you again. For one, never see him in person again.

I would not be surprised if he came sniffing around weeks, months, or even years from now, after he’s extracted all he could from this new relationship. You have always come back to him no matter what he’s done, so he’s probably confident that he can put you on a shelf like an old toy and then pick you up when he’s ready to play with you again. You need to prepare yourself for that possibility so that you can hold your ground if or when it happens.

You wrote that you are addicted to him. Think about that. It is not healthy. If he is as he appears to us then he is a master manipulator. Cunning people are always on the prowl for victims. Not necessarily for financial gain but for power. It is so hard to think that someone who has said they love you, but in reality, love the power they have over you. You can not ever understand how they are because their brains are different. You might be the kind of person that loves with your whole heart and to him that means you are a sucker. He can do anything he wants to because you love him. You are addicted to good feelings you had about him. He’s the big bad wolf. What pretty eyes you have. What pretty hair you have. Do you get that? It means that he never looks at anyone except how he can control them. A suggestion was made that you do as little contact as possible. I agree 100%.