SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In your situation, I would reach out to the OBS first. YOu don't need anymore proof that your WW is cheating, so no need to do any more investigative things.

When you reach out to the OBS, make sure you have access to the FB messages and share the proof with the OBS. She will be an ally for you. WHY? B/C she will get on her husbands ass, and at the same token, you get a get back at the AP for fucking with your wife. Make him feel some of the pain. So find the OBS's work number, cell, but do not just send her an email or facebook message. Her husband may be monitoring her activity on there just like you're monitoring your wifes.

Contact the OBS, fill her in, and let her ask questions. You both can work to keep the two separate. For all you know, he can be a repeat offender and once his wife finds out, he might be quick to dump your wife to save his own ass. It happens a lot.

Once that happens, do not be the nice guy and be quick to take her back. Make sure that whatever you do, you have conditions and boundaries that your WW has to follow and abide by, or else no dice. Take back control of your life and relationship. Workout, sleep, get IC help and make sure your WW knows that you are moving forward, with or without her. And she can only come along if she meets those conditions that you set for her bc of her infidelity.

Agree with all advice so far.

Just want to emphasize:

1. Preserve all evidence.

2. Notify OBS’s (her complicit friend and her AP’s OBS). Do this before you confront her. She will be selfishly pissed but don’t concern yourself with that. Tough shit for her.

3. Secure your self and estate from retaliatory actions. Carry a VAR on you.

4. Be discreet about your sources of evidence.

5. May want to consult an attorney.

6. Use The Bigger Speech, or something similar.

7. Remain cool, calm and collected. No begging, negotiating, groveling, pick-me-dancing. You have the moral high ground. Hold it with honor and dignity.

8. Don’t except blame shifting, fence riding, cake eating, gaslighting, self victimization, self pity, door mating, rug sweeping, and especially, minimizing…MINIMIZING, or any other lame ass typical cheater ploys. An EA is IS CHEATING, and is fundamentally wrong. WRONG. She is BLOWING IT. There’s just simply ZERO defense. She is absolutely cheating. This is serious shit and you must take it seriously if you expect her to take it seriously.

She absolutely will try and minimize this. Do not allow this.

9. Don’t decide on R just yet. Wait until things cool down and you’re thinking more clearly.

10. But in the meantime, request full NC, disclosure, and transparency. NC with her complicit friends. No more social media.

I would continue to monitor her closely. Behind your back, off stage post D-Day comms with her family, friends and AP can be VERY revealing. I would put a VAR in the car.

I caught some VERY interesting comms between my WW and her friends, sisters and AP that totally changed my course going forward. WS’s will kiss your ass and grovel in an ankle grabbing drag across the floor, Oscar winning performance of tears and snot hysterically declaring their undying love for you then, an hour later, talk total shit about you behind your back.

I don’t care what people say, you cheat on me, and I’m gonna go into full espionage mode on your ass and use every legal resource at my disposal to gather as much truth going forward as I possibly can so that I can make the most informed decisions possible.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 6:54 PM, Wednesday, January 19th]

Speaking as someone that quickly jumped into reconciliation, I recommend what others have said about detaching. I was too eager to try and maintain the status quo, I bought into her poor victim story, that I was a monster and this man "picked up the pieces of her broken heart" (her words to me). Later I uncovered the unedited conversations (unbeknownst to my WW) and their pics and sex photos. She was no victim, and what he got was all the piece of ass he wanted without the commitment and supporting her. If I used the vulgar terms and language that he used to her she would likely have slapped me, but she laughed and smiled at him. She likes to portray herself as a moral, righteous, and Christian woman. Her affair has proven otherwise.

That was over 5 years ago. We are still married and every day that passes I fall more and more out of love with her. I don't trust her, I sure as hell don't respect her, and I am quietly planning my exit strategy once my youngest leaves the nest in the next year or so. I did everything wrong. I accepted the blame, did the pick me dance, and let her get away without the requirements for reconciliation that others mention here. I did not find this forum until we were already "reconciling". I received bad advice that "reconciling" meant for me to forgive her and fix myself.

I am sorry you are here but you don't deserve this and you didn't cause this. You read enough posts and you will see the same wayward spouse excuses like they came from a shared manual. If I had it to do over, I wish I had changed my paycheck direct deposit and moved half of our joint account to my account. Then when she questioned me about it, I would confront her as to why I did it and that I am pursuing detachment, separation, and divorce.

She has the opportunity to prove to you she is worthy while the divorce process is in motion, and you will have an opportunity to be in the power position. I was weak and was jumping through hoops to win her back. Sad thing is shortly after she "chose" me, I started to realize I was the prize, not her. As others have said, a few years into reconciliation, you may regret jumping too soon. I have.

One more thing, be prepared for re-writing of your marital history. She will recall events or feelings or whatever that will make you question your memory / recollection and if you have Alzheimer's. DON'T FALL FOR IT. Trust your recollection.

Lots of advice coming your way, here's a little more.

Consider telling the OBS first or if you have her phone and email, near simultaneously. That way your wife can't warn the posom and he then can't make stuff up about you to his wife, such as he's just crazy jealous or he's abusive etc. Do it with screenshots of their FB messages so she sees the proof. This will pour cold water on the ea very quickly.

Do not wait too long, confront asap. Line up the OBS messages first, then confront. The confrontation advice here will probably be superior to your IC anyway. Your IC can help you process next steps. You have an opportunity a lot of people don't, hopefully stopping an EA from going PA.

Expose the friend with her husband if you have proof. That will also pour cold water on her "friend's" encouragement.

Does she hqve a close friend or parents, siblings etc that you could also get to help you knock some sense into her? Maybe not day 1, but soon?

Last, put your foot down hard on this and get out of infidelity asap. I think this is a case where you could, if you choose, decide to offer R to her and be able to make it work. The damage isn't too great yet if the FB messages are accurate. If she responds by pulling her head out of her ass and working to become safe again, R is more likely to have a decent chance at success than many cases of infidelity.

Please stop! I am a BS and I went through hell with my ex-WW. I handled it wrong. My passivity just caused me more unnecessary pain. I will be honest. I found your story very hard to read.

My god, you have known for one month and have done nothing. Your WW doesn't have a cold. Her EA won't go away. It will only get worse. I don't know if your marriage is salvageable, but allowing this situation to continue while you watch is a terrible approach. Simply put, do not avoid the inevitable. Confront now before it is too late.

You don't need a long drawn-out speech that needs to be delivered to your WW. In fact, I would give her very little. This is what I would do if I found myself in such a situation ever again:

"I know what is going on between you and AP." Your declaration about how you feel about me now makes perfect sense. I will be seeing a lawyer within the next few days to start the marriage dissolution process." It will be up to you to take the proper steps to save the marriage if you so desire." Walk out the door and do not listen to any of her bullshit or denials. Don't give her the opportunity to explain, deny or ask questions. It will be complete nonsense. You both know the facts. Don't get sucked into playing the denial, trickle truth game. The only thing you don't know is whether it has become a PA. That can be investigated later if she wants to stay married. Otherwise, who cares. Contact the OMS and the spouse of her girlfriend. Fill them in on their wayward partners. Follow through and see a lawyer versed in family law.

I am so sorry you find yourself here. But it hurts to read your story. You need to get angry. You have been betrayed horribly. Your wife, with the help of an enabling bad influence, has decided to nuke you and the marriage. You don't deserve that kind of treatment. Turn her fantasy into the nightmare of reality that it needs to become. You know that this EA will lead to a PA soon. The AP will discard your WW when he is done with her and you will be stuck trying to put the pieces of your marriage back together again. Your resentment will grow and if you stay, you will end up white-knuckling through the rest of your marriage.

Now, if she comes to her senses, she must undergo IC with a counselor versed in infidelity. She must go NC with the AP immediately. She must cut her girlfriend out of her life now.

You must not take any shit from her ever again. Unfortunately, you will have to watch her like a hawk for quite some time until she changes from a WW to someone who is dedicated to you and the marriage, if that is possible. Please act now for your own sanity. Use your anger to mollify your fear.

[This message edited by src9043 at 7:47 PM, Wednesday, January 19th]

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you are now a member of this club.

Why would you be fearful of confronting her? She's actively cheating, things will only progress from here. Do you live in close proximity to this other guy? If so, anything can happen at any time. You need to nip this in the bud. Now. You are not preparing a lecture or presentation, you are in a battle to save your marriage. Find your inner courage and anger. You should be angry. Very angry. She is one step away from destroying your marriage and your family as well as another family. Covid? She's putting your entire family at risk if she decides to go physical with this guy. You feel bad now, if the relationship turns physical, you will be thinking about your wife in bed with another man 24/7. It will be a living hell.

Please don't ever reveal your sources. Make copies of their conversations if possible.

Stay calm. Inform her you know about the affair, then let her talk. She will probably deny it or blame you, most do.

The other BS deserves to know, don't inform your wife you are doing this. Your wife must give a full timeline and be transparent with everything...her social media, phone, whereabouts.

She needs to block this guy from your lives forever, and her friend? She has to be dumped as well. I'd also inform her husband that she was encouraging your wife to have an affair.

I think some amount of preparation is good, and you've gotten a lot of good advice.

The one thing I would add here is emphasizing to your wife how badly she has hurt and betrayed you.

I tried to have a script, and certainly the "tell me everything now, if I ever find out something extra from anywhere else, we are getting a divorce" is a good bit. "I need to know everything that happened because it's impossible to forgive what I don't know." Finally, "You can have a secret romantic relationship with another man or as many other men as you want, or a relationship with me, but you can't have both."

I wouldn't promise to work toward R at this time.

When I ended up having the confrontation it just started with "You lied to me." and ended with her leaving the house to see a friend. This is a friend who I didn't know at the time was also cheating on her husband. Looks like in that respect you've got one up on me. I eventually found out and told her husband (and two other affairs).

After you confront, tell the other betrayed spouse (if there is one) and tell your wife's cheating friend's man. He deserves the truth too. The truth will set you all free.

I know you'll find the strength soon. Good luck.

Sorry for you are here.

First, save your proofs and keep them safe.

There is no need for a long confrontation with her. Just say, "I know you're cheating on me, I will not force you to stay in a marriage you don't want, I'll get a lawyer, you should get one too" and walk away.

Do not reveal what, how much, and how you know. You have already read all the correspondence, but this is important for discovering aspects of someone you think you know well but actually do not know at all. You will have tested the degree of her sincerity and honesty.
Don't offer her anything or put forward terms, just see how she will react. R is something she must want and offer first. Only then can you decide whether you want it and what your terms are.

What I have said is valid for the beginning, then you decide on the actions you will take according to her possible reactions. Very good advice has been given on this subject, especially Thumos's.

Do not accept any blameshifting to justify her betrayal. If she makes such an attempt, with sarcastic answers like "so you thought you'd fix this by finding a boyfriend and having sex with him?" you can show that she shouldn't be making a fool of you.

Inform OBS and your WW's friend's husband. Don't reveal your source to them either, if they ask, you can say you have solid proof but you can't tell for now because you don't want your wife to know.

Good luck.

I just know I'll flub it up and it's all going to come out as a jumble.

So it's a jumble. I think you're entitled to be flustered confronting your wife.

One bit of advice, I screamed at my wife during my confrontation. I would avoid that, felt like a 10 year old afterwards, not my finest moment. As best you can, calm and controlled. She might throw some curve balls at you, you need to be able to think on your feet, not raging.

Not saying this will happen, but, be prepared if she gets angry at you, at your marriage, at the world. Also be prepared if she's already checked out of the marriage and says she wants a divorce.

Stay strong, don't put up with her shit, be the man.

Pretty much what everyone else said.

But I think the two key bits of advice are this:

1. Sooner is much better than later. You really do not want to put this off much longer. Don't let the better be the enemy of the good i.e., don't put off confronting your WW this week just because you may come up with (what you think is) a better way to do so, the next week. Meanwhile, what Mike Tyson said about everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth, has an awful lot of truth. Your "perfect" speech will likely not go 100% as envisioned, but who cares it does not have to. ****Just do it.****

2. Do NOT allow yourself to take the blame for your WW's affair. Do NOT be so quick to jump into R either.

OP, what do you see as your next steps here?

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 10:20 PM, Wednesday, January 19th]

I have read every response this far. As sorry as I am you needed to find us, I’m so glad you did. I did not find this wealth of information until I made every misstep possible 3 months from Dday. As shitty as this is, if you will follow the advice you will emerge much better off than a lot of us did on Dday.

Find your anger as a motivation but not your lead. Calm and cool Brother, you are the prize not her.

Nothing wrong with checking facebook of your spouse. My wife and I have an open phone policy and can check when we want.

It doesn't matter how you confront, your wife is going to be angry and gaslight you anyway. If it was me I would be tempted to skip the confront, print off the facebook messages and give them to his wife.

Whatever you decide, prepare for a totally selfish deceiptful reaction to discovery.

[This message edited by Smillie at 10:31 PM, Wednesday, January 19th]

Rollin,

So sorry you find yourself here. I’d like to underline some of the excellent advice you’ve received.

Confront sooner rather than later. You’re dealing with marital cancer. Every day this goes on it gets stronger and threatens to metastasize. You have time to prepare, but think days.

Don’t be too quick to offer reconciliation, and don’t take divorce off the table. It takes both partners being in 100% to have a chance at R. You don’t know if you have that yet. Since D only takes one partner it’s on the table whether you want it or not. Recognize this and plan accordingly. See a lawyer and learn what divorce looks like for you. Open an account in your name only and prepare to move half of your money.

Tell the other betrayed spouse and the cheating cheerleader girl friend’s husband. Odds are asshole prince charming will throw your wayward wife under the bus to save his own marriage and the cheerleader will be similarly too busy to offer your WW much support.

I'm with Halftime and Trdd.

Let the OBS know first, the husband of her toxic friend too, share the texts with them. Your WW wife will come confront you so you won't have to worry about how to bring it up. Dollars to doughnuts the OM will drop all contact with you WW and kill the A as he tries to save his own marriage. The toxic friend will probably be out of the picture too. You just need a plan to deal with your wife's anger when she accuses YOU of messing up her life. Not engaging until she becomes apologetic might work.

Based on what you posted the POSOM plays in a local band, that means time is of the essence to stop this from becoming a full blown PA (hopefully it's not too late), therefore you need to confront and expose IMMEDIATELLY !. Do not confront your WW over the phone, I would sit her down and confront her first before telling OBS and providing her (OBS) with proof, that way you prevent OBS to reveal to POSOM your source before you even confront, make sure you tell OBS afterward and make sure you tell OBS not to reveal the source to him, that at least initially would prevent them from getting their stories straight and come up with more lies.

1) Confrontation: Prepare to record the entire thing with your phone, then just sit her down an do it: Wife I KNOW you're having an A with POSOM, she will likely deny it at first but will probably cave eventually if you persist, DO NOT TELL HER how you know or how much. Tell her you also know about her bestie cheating on her H (that will likely create more confusion to your WW as to what your source is), make sure you tell OBS immediately after the confrontation, after this more likely than not POSOM will throw your WW under the bus in an effort to save his own M, and immediately contacting OBS, contact her friend's BS and out and expose her too.

2) FULL Exposure: Exposure typically kills the "beautiful, exciting and romantic" aspects of an A and replaces those with pure shame and embarrassment, the more she hates the consequences of the A, the less likely she will be to continue it and cheat in the future, if you want to have a chance to R, the A first needs to end and NOTHING kills an A faster than FULL EXPOSURE, first tell OBS, then the friend's BS, then close relatives and close mutual friends.

3) Full on demand access to phone/electronic devices and passwords FOREVER: During her confrontation or immediately after tell her she's got 10 seconds to show you her unlocked phone, make sure you look at chats to/from "women's names" in case you're not able to find him under his real name.

4) She needs to send an NC FOREVER text to POSOM within seconds, right then and there, in front of you, short and to the point (no sweet goodbyes for "closure"), make sure you watch her hit "send", then block him. Another NC text should go to her cheerleader bestie (after you tell her BS), she's not friend of the M and a cheater herself.

5) Demand a written timeline of her A (subject to a polygraph), she's now a proven cheater and this may not even be her first rodeo, make sure you press her on that, it helps drive home the broken trust that she destroyed with her huge betrayal.

6) Demand she gets tested for STDs, you likely don't have access to their entire conversations, they're likely also making phone calls, all it takes is a "lunch break" or a "shopping trip to the mall" to do the deed, and again, she may have cheated on you before with someone else.

7) Demand she goes to IC with someone who specializes in infidelity (very important), forget MC for now, at this point is typically a waste of time and money, the M didn't cheat, she did.

8) Consult a D attorney to know your options, knowledge is power.

Others will chime in with more advice, keep posting frequently, the collective wisdom of SI could help you go through this difficult situation, every case is different but cheaters typically follow a similar script, we've "seen it" THOUSANDS of times here on SI and other forums. CONFRONT IMMEDIATELLY !!!

Rollin, sorry you have reason to join us, but know that you are now among those who want nothing more than to see you survive this and come out the other side intact and wiser.

First, I too was the nice guy after d-day. I did everything wrong. I was the weaker one and my WW took advantage of my dedication to reconciliation-at-any-cost and the rug sweeping. This lead to d-day #2, some years later.

I have a million coulda, shoulda, wouldas in retrospect. At the top of my list is I should have been Mr. Not-So-Nice Guy. I believe with all my heart that had I not been so nice and acquiecing to my cheating wife the first time there would not have been a second.

Please take the advice offered here by the others. Be strong, keep your emotions in check and be willing to do the hard things that would seem unthinkable a month ago.

I wish you the best of luck.

Be careful of posts that put forth statements as facts.
I have been around this site for a long time and maybe the only "constant" in human interactions, behavior, actions, and reactions is that there is no constant. At best there are general rules, indicators and maybe even some stats that can be turned into odds.
Like your WW emotional affair. IMHO it already has some sexual context if they are sharing content that has the goal of creating arousal or sexual gratification or sexual reaction. This does not automatically mean that they will inevitably hook up for "real" sex, but our experience EA’s that have already crossed some sexual line probably develop into full physical affairs in 8/10 instances. If there are no serious geographical limitations, then maybe even 9/10.
9/10 isn’t the same as inevitable. There is still a 1/10 chance we are wrong. However, the odds are there, and we would be foolish to ignore them. Best way to deal with odds is to try to discern a pattern and then do something other than most do. After all – what most do is what creates the pattern.

I think the main reasons an EA develops into a full PA are a) the BS doesn’t know about it, so the EA has time to develop and progress along its path and b) the EA gets its time. Of the two I think time is the pan important factor.

Well… You have two factors that can allow you to beat the pattern. To tilt the odds in your favor. You know of the affair, and you can limit the time the affair gets.

Keep in mind you can’t guarantee it will end. Once again stats and trends… In about 5/10 instances affairs end once both WS and BS are aware what’s going on. So, if you were to confront your wife the odds are half that an already ongoing affair ends.
There are other things you can do to improve your odds. Rule-of-thumb is that men in affairs end the affair if their marriage is threatened. If you were to tell his wife about the affair the chances are probably 9/10, he will unceremoniously dump her. Suddenly, the odds of the affair ending go from 5/10 to 9/10.
Maybe your WW carries on the affair despite your knowledge. Maybe OM isn’t married, or has an open relationship, or his wife sticks her head in the sand. Whatever. Therefore, I started by stating there are no constants. But these are the odds and massaging them to your favor won’t hurt. Of course, none of this might pan out that way. These are my observations, and they might be spot-on, way off or factually wrong. But I wouldn’t be posting them if I didn’t think they were correct… correctish…

When to confront?
Now.
Like today.

I don’t think infidelity has any impact on divorce in any of the Canadian states/provinces so there isn’t really any need for you to document proof or whatever. It’s not as if your friend will forbid you from filing because you don’t have glossy pics or DNA evidence of an affair. If you want to file (or if you feel forced to file) you just file.
Any benefit of waiting longer will be wasted by the odds of the affair progressing.

How do you confront?
This is where I think most get it wrong.
You confront with knowledge. You KNOW she’s having an affair. Because you know you don’t have to prove it to her. It’s not a court of law where she’s innocent until proven guilty – you KNOW, and you are basically only announcing the sentence.
She doesn’t need to know how you know. In fact, you are allowed to lie about your proof. You could say you got a call, a friend told you or whatever. But the key is that you simply state YOU KNOW. The confrontation is not about her defending herself – it’s about letting her know YOU know and that you won’t accept her affair.

Another mistake I think we often do is impose draconian measures on the WS. It then becomes a battle of you against her and her happiness.

Look – I KNOW you want to reconcile but IMHO R or D isn’t the goal right now. The goal right now is to get out of infidelity. Those two options are IMHO the only two good options available. Some chose a third option and that’s settling for untreated or undealt with infidelity. They are content that the spouse might not be actively cheating now, but the underlying issues and the pain and damage caused is never dealt with.
Hang around this site and you will regularly see the post from some spouse that has tried to adjust to the Big Pink Elephant in the marriage for a decade but still has serious issues. IMHO THAT is the absolute worst outcome: remaining married on some pretext that divorce isn’t possible, and the infidelity can’t be fully handle.

Can your marriage survive?
Yes – definitely. We have numerous examples here on SI, including the founders of this site and some key mods, staff, and contributors.
Can this end in divorce?
Yes – definitely. We have numerous examples here on SI, mods, staff, and contributors.
Key factor is that those that deal with the issues can once again become happy. Irrespective of R or D it takes time and effort.

So… you confront with the intent of getting out of infidelity.
Plus, you put the onus of the next step towards saving the marriage on her.
I have a semi-standard speech that many have adapted to their use. It goes something like this:

"Wife. I always envisioned us together forever. I love you and am willing to do a lot to save this marriage. However. I know about OM (use his name), and I know you are having an affair with OM.
[No – don’t deny it – I KNOW. How I know isn’t relevant – I have more than enough proof and more than one source, so I am 100% convinced. I KNOW!]
I do not share my wife. Not anymore than I want to keep you prisoner in a marriage you clearly don’t want.
You can date him, be open about the relationship, spend nights and time with him, talk about him to your family and friends… whatever. There is no need for you to keep this a secret. He must mean a lot to you since you are so freely risking our marriage for him, and I won’t stand in the path of your happiness. The only concession I ask you to respect is that he does not come into my house. I believe I deserve that show of respect.
You are totally free to be with OM but not as my wife.

I am starting the process of ending our marriage. It’s two-faced. There is the emotional aspect that I must deal with and there is the practical legal aspect. I will eventually place that aspect into the hands of an attorney and will stick to the laws and regulations in our province. They are relatively fair, and we can do this in an amicable way.

If you want this marriage, you have a relatively short period now to let me know. It must be clear, unambiguous, and vocal. Only realize it’s your decision and your choice. I’m not forcing you to sacrifice anything, only refusing you to have everything. If you tell me, you want this marriage I will need some basic assurances, such as full transparency, total accountable NC, a detailed timeline, commitment to therapy and a plan for how you can be accountable, so I feel assured the affair is over.
I’m getting out of infidelity, with or without you. The further I go along this road without you the less likely am I to want you with me."

And then you just leave. Go make a sandwich or wax the car or whatever. There isn’t any need to discuss if it’s an affair or not, why she "had" to have the affair, how controlling you are…
No need for drama like flashing the Big D papers or printouts. The ball in in your court as to the next steps. The ball is in her court as to the next steps. Your power lies in that you can wait for some time before progressing to the next step.
What would the next step be?

Depends on her reaction.
No reaction and your next step are research divorce.
Next step is gathering the relevant documentation, appraisal of home, bank-accounts, credit-card accounts…
I know it’s not what you want, but surely it beats knowing your wife spent last evening with OM.
Next step is to shut her off when she starts talking about the vacation to Hawaii or dinner with her parents next month: Honey – you are committed to your infidelity, and I am detaching from our marriage. It’s not appropriate for us to behave as a happily married couple.

She tells you she wants the marriage:
A clear NC letters. Non-emotional and short. No last phone-call.
Ask her how she can assure you there is no contact. Refuse compromises (such as "just trust me").
A timeline.
A clear understanding that the only way forward is through truth.

Finally: One final suggestion:
She’s going to make all sorts of claims:
"This affair started because you didn’t talk to me" or "we grew apart" or "if you didn’t work so much…" or whatever.
Your standard stock reply is:
"I am sorry you feel that way. If we were working on our marriage, we might need to address that. Since you are committed to your affair there is really no need to deal with that issue" and then you move on."

IF she says she wants the marriage the answer changes a bit:
"I hear what you are saying, and we could address that in MC, but your decision to have an affair can never be blamed on the state of the marriage or what I did or did not do. It’s totally 100% your decision".

Forgot the "friend"
Just for the heck of it…
If you feel a need to let your wife know how you discovered the affair then maybe let it slip that the husband of a friend phoned and warned you…

THAT could create an interesting reaction!

First step needs to be that you take screen prints of every FB message including the ones with a friend and put them In A secure location. As soon as you confront your WW will work yo delete them, so make sure you have them.

After that I agree with all the advice you have been given on confronting.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:46 PM, Thursday, January 20th]

A common mistake with EAs is to under react. It's normal for you to desperately want to hear that she's sorry and promises to stop (especially if she cries and begs). Her tears are for herself (not for you).

1 - Do not agree to R immediately. Give yourself at least 90 days to calm down.

She will view it as you being too weak to divorce - and won't take you seriously.

Do not cry in front of her. She will view that as weakness and an inability to follow through on D.

Bluff if you have to but she needs to believe you're willing to D rather than tolerate any further inappropriate behavior with this man (or another guy next year).

2 - Be prepared for her to say the texts are just harmless fantasy and you're over reacting.

Reply: She's been deceitfully in contact with her Ex - therefore she is now proven herself to be a dishonest person - and therefore her excuses, explanations, and promises can't be trusted.

This is critical. Inform her it's not just about sex - but her behavior has destroyed your trust in her.

And unless she can rebuild that trust (takes years not months)you will divorce her.

3 - Be prepared for her to attack you over a violation of her privacy.

Reply: her right to privacy does not include inappropriate sexual texting with her Ex behind your back.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 1:51 PM, Thursday, January 20th]