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Update.. So I did confront her last night.

I told her I knew what was going on, and how funny it was that she gave me the "not in love with me" speech shortly after things were getting spicy with the OM. She of course tried to shift the blame on me for "breaching her privacy and snooping". I shut that down with "if there was nothing to hide I wouldn't have had to".

So she started crying because he was always such a good friend before and nothing more than a friend, just someone to talk to before until they started talking again. She said she knows what she did is wrong, and takes 100% responsibility for it. She said she'll never contact him again because she can't risk his wife finding out. I watched as she said it to him that things were done and she deleted and blocked him from facebook.

I know the advice I was given was to contact OBS. If you guys knew the whole story you might understand a bit better (I'm not going in depth). I know it may make me seem weak, but in my head I'm taking the high road. He can live with his fears himself. He knows he was in the wrong too.

She slept on the couch last night. I didn't sleep much myself. Even with everything going on, the empty bed just seemed so cold.

When we got up this morning, she said "I hope you're happy, you got what you wanted" and took her rings off, then started crying. I of course wanted to just go and hold her but I didn't. I said "It's not what I wanted to happen, but it happened". She went to her mothers for a bit before work, then came home shortly afterwards. I'm sure her mother just loves me now too, whatever.

Anyway.. I told her I'd give her some space and some time to decide what she wants to do. I did tell her I had begun looking into the separation process, which she did throw back at me with "so that is what you wanted all along". It's not but I told her I was just preparing for either outcome.

So now she's off to work and I'm just sitting her in the silence. My head is spinning, but I have no feelings whatsoever. I've never felt like this before. There's no sadness, no anger, nothing. I'm just.. I don't know.. Calm?

Anyway.. Thanks for the advice from all. If I have anything further to update I will.

Sorry you are here.

Lots of advice to follow. I’ll work on something but I’m sure many will chime in.

Any chance you captured the messages. If not and there’s a chance she hasn’t deleted them, please do so and keep them in a safe place. You may never use them but there are many reasons you might and wish you had them in the future.

Drink lots of water and try to eat. You need your strength. Our thoughts are with you.

You have to ask yourself why *she couldn't risk the wife finding out* but she was able to risk you finding out? A cynical translation is "I can go deeper underground as long as I now know how to play you, but I can't control the narrative if he's in trouble too"

While everything else looks good, you did the OBS no favors by not informing her. That poor woman is where you were before you discovered the texts.

[This message edited by Blandy at 2:46 PM, Thursday, January 20th]

I hope you're happy, you got what you wanted" and took her rings off, then started crying.

"so that is what you wanted all along"

Don’t fall for this manipulative BS, cheaters play from the same handbook. This is blame shifting.

You need to inform the OBS she has a right to know and you don’t want to be responsible for keeping their secret.

Stay firm and hold your ground, don’t fall for the manipulation.

Ok good job! Great first step here. This is huge. You've done a damn sight more than many BH's who show up here for the first time. Most are in so much shock they can hardly think straight.

Confronting is rough, because you're confronting a person you trust above all others on the entire planet. I did what is called a "soft confront" with my WW when all I had were her phone logs, and it went in a similar fashion. My WW at the time also invoked an in-home separation because she convinced me I'd falsely accused her. I believed her and was guilt-ridden for weeks, so at least your WW didn't do that.

As you already observed, you're not snooping. She can stuff that where the sun don't shine.

So she started crying because he was always such a good friend before and nothing more than a friend, just someone to talk to before until they started talking again. She said she knows what she did is wrong, and takes 100% responsibility for it. She said she'll never contact him again because she can't risk his wife finding out. I watched as she said it to him that things were done and she deleted and blocked him from facebook.

I wouldn't believe this for one second. Not one millisecond. My WW also gave me the "just friends" speech and even accused me of trying to "ruin the one adult male friendship I've had."

Be very careful here. Remember this is the same woman who struck up a sexual chat with this man almost instantaneously, and began planning for when she could receive him. Given the ease with which she did that, you have to at least wonder if she's done this before.

Your WW only did the minimum required here. She only blocked him on FB. She didn't turn over her phone to you for review. She could very well be in contact with him still.

I know the advice I was given was to contact OBS. If you guys knew the whole story you might understand a bit better (I'm not going in depth). I know it may make me seem weak, but in my head I'm taking the high road. He can live with his fears himself. He knows he was in the wrong too.

I do think you will regret this, but we can only offer advice here. We're telling you to do this based on hardwon experience and our own mistakes. I waited an entire year to contact the OBS, which was a HUGE mistake. I regret it immensely. I don't want the same for you, brother. I did this because my WW convinced me the OBS was unstable and vindictive. Please reconsider this. You can blow this up more effectively by telling the OBS, and this woman deserves to know who she is married to. As Bigger noted, it is very unlikely that things will continue once his wife knows. You'd want her to tell you if the roles were reversed. And unfortunately this is your burden to carry and you are in a sense ethically obligated. I know that's tough to read, but it's true.

When we got up this morning, she said "I hope you're happy, you got what you wanted" and took her rings off, then started crying. I of course wanted to just go and hold her but I didn't. I said "It's not what I wanted to happen, but it happened". She went to her mothers for a bit before work, then came home shortly afterwards. I'm sure her mother just loves me now too, whatever.

A couple of things here. First, good job on not going weak in the face of her tears. Most men crumble. Hell, I did. Women's tears are a very effective gambit, so keep in mind that she's crying for herself, NOT FOR YOU. Try to maintain this composure.

Second, notice what she did here. It's called DARVO. That's an acronym for Deny Attack Reverse Victim-Offender. DARVO is a classic bit of gaslighting abuse. Yes, abuse. This is abusive behavior from your WW and exactly what you'd expect from someone who is NOT REMORSEFUL at all.

"I hope you're happy?" I mean dear Lord, this is something a petulant teenager says. That's your WW's mindset.

You didn't WANT anything but the truth. You didn't get anything but a lot of sulking and entitlement from your WW. You didn't get what you wanted at all. What you wanted was a faithful wife who wouldn't sleep with other men behind your back. So you're not getting your needs met at all, now are you?

Now you know without any doubt at all exactly who you're married to, and your previous assumptions about the marriage are shattered. As time goes by, you are likely to feel the covenant itself has been torn asunder, and that's an accurate feeling. What she did is, as I said before, beyond momentous. It is an act that severs time and space itself, and that's not an overstatement. You probably feel like you've been thrust through some sort of wormhole into an alternate reality, because you have! And her reaction to this devastation is to essentially throw her ring in your face.

Third, do not let her control the narrative with your MIL. Reach out to your MIL and tell her exactly what happened. Just the facts. Not to get your MIL on your side, but to cut off an avenue for your WW to continue bullshitting people. This is important. Again this is not an attempt to get your MIL on your side. She will circle the wagons around her daughter. What it does do is shine the light of truth on this and prevent your WW from painting you in a false light.

Lastly, what about the toxic enabling friend of your WW's who was cheering her on?

P.S. Get a VAR and start carrying it in your pocket. Your WW is very unstable at this time and we've seen plenty of WW's here on SI foment false domestic violence charges against their innocent husbands. Yes, I know that is CRAZY. It is absolutely crazy. And it absolutely happens. Better safe than sorry.

Keep checking and others will be along to give you continued advice.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:03 PM, Thursday, January 20th]

Go back to my post.

In about 5/10 instances affairs end once both WS and BS are aware what’s going on. So, if you were to confront your wife the odds are half that an already ongoing affair ends.

So, for some unique only in your case reason you are accepting a 50/50 chance of the affair being over. That’s OK. That’s the pattern most fall into and that’s why we know it has a50/50 chance of working. Often the excuse is the OMW is pregnant, abusive, bad health, mentally unstable, will lash out… Reasons that seldom pan out when BS follow the advice given.

There are other things you can do to improve your odds. Rule-of-thumb is that men in affairs end the affair if their marriage is threatened. If you were to tell his wife about the affair the chances are probably 9/10, he will unceremoniously dump her. Suddenly, the odds of the affair ending go from 5/10 to 9/10.

Don’t know about you but in my books 9/10 is immensely better.

"She said she'll never contact him again because she can't risk his wife finding out."

Wow, just wow. Rarely do you see such an obvious case of one affair partner covering for another. Your wife has just found out that YOU KNOW, found out that there's a pretty good chance that her marriage and her life as a whole is in ruins, yet what she's REALLY worried about is covering for her affair partner... That is pretty damning. Her first instinct, after hurting you immeasurably, was to jump in defence of her affair partner, that's rough.

I know it's easier and feels safer to just stick your head in the sand and forget all about the other betrayed spouse, but unless she's bound to pass away in the next month, I don't see how NOT telling her is any kind of mercy. It's difficult and frightening, but I implore you to reconsider, her spouse is unfaithful to her and the only one that can free her from that is you.

but in my head I'm taking the high road.

The high road was months of another man messing around with your wife.

The high road is you not wanting to blow up your truce with your wife.

The high road means next time you won't find the sources if communication.

The high road means the obs won't find out but her being in the dark is a worthy price for walking that high road.

The high road is your wife's friend's husband being in the dark..but again..a worthy price?

There is NO excuse you can come up with,that makes it ok to not tell his wife. Absolutely none.

No. He knew what he was doing was wrong in the first place. He's not living in fear. Your wife has already contacted him,and told him she has convinced you not to tell his wife. That she is protecting him. He feels pretty good right now. He got to have an affair with your wife,AND you will protect him from being exposed. He feels he lucked out,having an affair with a woman who's husband can be manipulated into protecting her AP.

You will regret this. The affair is not over. All she did last night was put on a show. And you bought it.

You are getting great advice. Hard earned wisdom. You would do well not to ignore it.

This isn't the high road. You have now become an accomplice.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:13 PM, Thursday, January 20th]

A few other thoughts.

This one is tough, too, but do your best.

Your WW could very well try to initiate sex with you in the next day or two. Try to remain celibate and don't go weak on this.

I would not necessarily say this is cynical on her part, although in one sense it is very cynical (often we call this "love bombing" or "sex bombing"). On the other hand, from her standpoint it is a desperate move for comfort.

My advice is: Remain celibate with her. Easier to do if you just remember how willing she was to jump in the sack with another man 10 seconds ago. That ought to kill your libido pretty quickly.

Again, we all know it's tough. I fell into what is called "hysterical bonding" with my WW - lots of sex. I wouldn't recommend it, unless you have a wayward spouse who is truly all in, truly remorseful, truly doing all of the things we would expect a remorseful spouse to do (actions, not words).

And one more time: Do not leap to offer reconciliation to her. There is so much more that she will need to do. She will need to move mountains. You need to see action from your WW.

If your WW gets it, owns it, starts busting her ass and crawling across broken glass on her knees -- then you can think about having sex with her.

I hope for the best. But what your WW has done here is incredibly damaging, and it's tough to see a way forward given her reaction.

Lastly, you might consider seeing a divorce attorney for a consult so that you understand your options better. These used to be free, but now they cost about $500-600. It is worth it. It will take some of the "black box" mystery out of the divorce process, and give you a much clearer idea about the options in front of you. Typically a consult with an attorney will come with a packet of paperwork. That paperwork would initiate divorce proceedings should you choose to retain the attorney, but the great thing is the packet will also help to enlighten you on what all of this looks like.

I hate that you're faced with all of this, but you didn't devastate the marriage. She did. Reconciliation is a long, hard road. If you don't have kids, we typically lean here toward cutting your losses.

PS. Get a copy of the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda McDonald -- and read it for yourself. It can be read in less than a few hours -- even, or especially even, when your mind is preoccupied with thoughts of her affair. The book will demonstrate to you what a remorseful spouse looks like, and how your WW is not measuring up.

And consider reading "Cheating In a Nutshell" which help you understand the storm of emotions you are about to endure the next several years. The book is not pro-reconciliation, but it is more valuable for helping to understand the trauma in your brain.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:46 PM, Thursday, January 20th]

Just wanted to jump back in to point out that all of us are on your side and we're rooting for you. You hit a double last night and today, and now we're ready to see you knock that winning run in.

Don’t gloss over the fact that her initial response was blaming you and protecting the AP, let that sink in.

I tell you this from experience, she is trying to neatly pack you back in your box so she can regroup with her AP. Blow this wide open!!!!

OP - A successful R requires both partners all in to make it work. At the moment, you seem to be the only trying. That said, I think many WSs are shock to be caught when confronted thus a bit of time to see if she snaps out of the fog is worth it. Just don't stuck in limbo though.

Good luck.

My head is spinning, but I have no feelings whatsoever. I've never felt like this before. There's no sadness, no anger, nothing. I'm just.. I don't know.. Calm?

Look up stages of grief. That would be denial.

She said she'll never contact him again because she can't risk his wife finding out.

The only way that can happen is if they hadn't have cheated. So what she was saying is she was always just going to be his side piece. That being that side piece was worth blowing up her family and marriage? Keeping quiet allows her to return there and my guess they will reconnect at some point until they get caught.

She went to her mothers for a bit before work, then came home shortly afterwards. I'm sure her mother just loves me now too, whatever.

Her mom's always going to have her back. I'd still recommend setting her straight that you caught her daughter cheating with AP. Regardless of the outcome, you want your WW to get help to figure out the brokenness within her to be the best co-parent she can be. Think about it. She jumped into this affair with both feet knowing the damage it would do to both families. Yet she did it. That's a level of selfishness that hardly makes a good parent. Personally I'd let be the OBS and GFs husband know today. Family and Friends also. The only way your WW gets healthy is full exposure and acceptance that what her and the AP did was horribly wrong. The path you are currently on allows her to stick to the narrative that you just fell out of love and she did nothing wrong. We all know that's not reality. This sets her up to do it all over again.

Doing the right thing isn't always easy. It typically comes with consequences.

[This message edited by grubs at 3:44 PM, Thursday, January 20th]

She said she knows what she did is wrong, and takes 100% responsibility for it. She said she'll never contact him again because she can't risk his wife finding out. I watched as she said it to him that things were done and she deleted and blocked him from Facebook.

This is nice, but she needs an open phone policy with you. You get all the passwords and logins. Maybe login on a separate tablet or whatever. She needs to sacrifice freedom on the alter of penance and mercy. It is a really hard concept for cheaters to get. Especially hard for an EA. She setup boundaries in her head that she "hadn't crossed yet".

Unblocking someone from Facebook and messaging them, then deleting the messages is easy. The AP is going to want to know what was told, so he can put his safety net in place for his BW. If she is half as scary as you think, then think about how scared the other guy is. Also, realize, your WW's first responses were to take off her ring, go to her mom's, and sleep on the couch(which was good on her, but probably not what you think it was).

She is not taking 100% responsibility.
Those were just words. Waiting is your only power move right now and you handled this amazingly. Start writing a list of things she would have to do to get the marriage back on track. Open phone, tracking software, writing a love letter begging to take back the NILWY with you speech (and acknowledging that was part of her internal rationalizations), and telling her mom the truth in front of you should all be on that list. Give her a little bit when she tries to return, then give her the list. Don't make this too easy for her. She needs to climb over this pile of crap she put into the marriage without you giving her a boost.

OK, phew, so the confrontation is behind you. It sounds like it was a mixed bag (which they almost always are . . . someone deep in affair fog is unlikely to see clearly how awful they're being immediately). It's good that she (kind of) took responsibility and ended things (at least in that moment . . . nothing says she can't restart things).

The bad is her rather laughable efforts to manipulate you into comforting and pursuing HER. That's what she was going for with her, "Oh poor me, you are just trying to get rid of me." You are supposed to be manipulated into twisting yourself into a pretzel to win her back. Um, you aren't the one who cheated . . .

I really can't imagine what story she gave you to convince you not to tell the OBS, but as a BW, I would have really liked someone to give me a heads up to my husband's activities. I don't know if she claimed OBS suffers from depression or something, and that this could cause her to be suicidal. But whatever the story, I would highly doubt its veracity. Why does protecting OBS's mental health hinge on YOU not telling your truth? Shouldn't it hinge on OM not being a stupid cheater? Isn't she most at risk if OM's obvious propensity for cheating isn't outed and dealt with now?

Hang in there, friend. You're doing great so far. Just keep checking in here for a reality check because you are acting in good faith as a good spouse, but she's playing by different rules. You can't take her word for anything right now. Chances are that she believes whatever promises or apologies are coming out of her mouth, but her thinking has become heavily distorted in order to justify what her hormones are asking for. She is not a reliable narrator.

She said she'll never contact him again because she can't risk his wife finding out.

Why?

Their fear of discovery didn't prevent them from cheating.

Cheaters generally lie to discourage you from notifying the OBS.

Exposure is one of the few consequences for cheating. Don't let her and him get away with it.

So far she's reacting pretty much like a typical cheater.

DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING SHE SAYS.

You did about as well as you could man.

Early days here, her initial response is mixed - as Tanner said she's blame shifting. Then this:

which she did throw back at me with "so that is what you wanted all along"

...and takes off her rings. Drama queen.

Your wife has a lot of anger for you rather than love, that's not good. On a positive note she sent the other asshole no contact. You sound like you're on your game here, but she's so angry with you right now she might take this EA way underground (burner phone, etc.) just to spite your mean ass.

And oooh, you did very well here:

She of course tried to shift the blame on me for "breaching her privacy and snooping". I shut that down with "if there was nothing to hide I wouldn't have had to".

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 4:24 PM, Thursday, January 20th]

You’ve done well so far. You are still in your a few weeks out from your discovery. Your emotions will continue to be all over the place. Take time to process these emotions and get stronger for you. Your WW reacted to the confrontation with denial and retaliation. Many do. It’s hard to face yourself as the bad guy. Watch her actions moving forward not her words. Her actions over time will show you if she is remorseful or not. Also, use this time to figure out your boundaries and what actions you need from her if she is to try and rebuild any trust in your M. In time you will figure out what you want. Is her EA a dealbreaker for you. If not, is she even a candidate for trying to recover. Time is your ally. You are in control. Whatever you decide, whether to Dvor R, you will receive support here. And no “we” do not typically recommend that you cut your losses at this point and file for D. Some do. And some want to convince you that they speak for others and that their is a consensus on what you should do at this point. The only consensus I know of here is to help you heal and get out of infidelity. It’s your life. You will figure it out. Good luck.

A common mistake with EAs is to under react.

It's normal for you to desperately want to hear that she's sorry and promises to stop (especially if she cries and begs). Her tears are for herself (not for you).

IMO it's a serious strategic mistake to not notify the OBS (and not expose her best friend that encouraged adultery and is committing adultery).

You are the victim here (not the OM).

You are fighting for your marriage. There's no high road here. Get angry (but remain civil).

Your wife will view your agreement to not expose as weakness and evidence that you're not strong enough to divorce her. And they can therefore continue the affair but do a better job of hiding it.

Just a reminder ... the friendship, romance, and passion they share is yours by right. She had no right to give it away.