SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Pretty much just posting this as a vent since I heard writing it out can help. I did on paper and nobody else read it so it didn't really help me so I'm doing it here. I've been lurking since about October but never wanted to discuss this or put it out but I'm just tired, of this obviously but just in general. I don't know, it's a weird feeling I can't describe. Not depression, it's different. Anyways this might be kind of long, at least for me to write out I guess.

First I just wanted to say I hate my mother. She cheated on my dad which is bad enough you've heard it before. But she absolutely cleaned him out. I'm talking stereotypical women destroys the man in the divorce like you see on TV, specifically sitcoms. Well I guess she realized her new life wasn't all great and she spent the rest of my dad's life trying to reconcile with him. She didn't run off with him and get dumped. She just got out of the "fog" I guess. He just had nothing left to give (almost literally) I think he was just sick of the whole thing, not the cheating, just life. He died 8 years after a shell of who he was. He wasn't suicidal or anything again it's hard to explain because I think I feel the same way. I'm just indifferent about most things now. I really believe she killed her through her actions and the consequences he faced for them.

To say I was floored about what had happened would be an understatement. I was at the age that I could decide who I wanted to live with most of the time so of course I picked dad. When I was at her house I pretty much ignored her until she had a breakdown because of it. I haven't talked to her in about 15 years until 2 years ago. (More on that later) Everything in my life I've basically cut her off from everything in my life, like my graduation, my wedding, seeing her grandkids. She did eventually get to and start seeing my grandkids. The tension in the air wasn't strong but it definitely wasn't nice on my end. She would always try to talk to me and say how she couldn't believe I still hated her.

Well 2 years ago she sent me mail, which she does a lot. It was an invitation to her "wedding"... With the guy she cheated on my dad with. She committed adultery as a Christian, she can't even get married again because of it without committing adultery again! Let alone to this idiot. I really hated her in that moment. My wife said at the time the look in my eyes could have burned the world down. I couldn't believe it. I mean I just couldn't comprehend how she could send me this. Let alone do it. I mean really? It was such a kick in the face to see it. Whatever

Everything my father did no matter how much she tried to get him back he was still betrayed, sent to a small apartment, a shell of himself. The affair didn't continue by the way after they divorced. (Long story) So I don't know how her and captain reprobate got together again and I don't care. I wanted nothing to do with her then but now I'm happy to have been living the rest of my life completely cutting her off from every single thing in my life. I don't hate her though. I don't particularly like her or even love her but I don't hate her. I did before at points but not now

This post is a mess sorry but the reason I'm telling you this is because my wife knew this. She knew I would leave if she ever did this. Which is strange because she confessed to me. I thought she was going to be ratted out by om or obs would tell me so I was surprised to find out obs didn't know either when I told her. Points for honesty I guess, she knew I would divorce.

She wants to R, I want to heal. I don't feel like wasting 2-5 years of my life on an experiment to see if she fixes her immorality. This is just who she was and decided not to show it until she did this. I got the paperwork a couple weeks after Dday and she was devastated. I already know her remorse is true but just to test her I asked if she would give me a favorable divorce. She said yes. I asked her about full custody (I wouldnt go for full custody, just a test) and she said no. At least she's honest there as well.

I'm leaving a lot of stuff out like Dday, ages, years married because I just don't feel like reminding myself. I'm just writing this to vent and maybe get some insight on things. I don't know, it's all over the place but I'm going to leave it as is because it's just my thoughts.

Thanks

Hey nothere759.

Writing it out helps get the thoughts in order, so glad you did that.
You don’t have to R. For many, infidelity is a deal breaker and that is that. For many others, they try R but end up realizing that infidelity was a deal breaker. And that’s okay. You do what is right for you— you do not owe R to your WW.

We all get here with our FOO baggage and yours is unfortunately very similar to what you are going through. I am going to recommend IC to help you work through all of it— you will be much healthier for it but it will take a bit of time and work. You may be clinically depressed as well- see your doctor. Some of us needed help from AD or anti-anxiety for a little while to help us through the worst of it. No shame in that.

Divorce isn’t instant, so you can always file, get the favorable divorce terms, and go from there. She may prove she can be a safe partner, you may change your mind, or you may just go start your next chapter and live a great life.

Keep writing, keep taking care of you and your kids, and know that you can not only survive but thrive.

Nothere759,
I'm so sorry you're here.
This is the best place to help heal.
Never be afraid to vent. It's what this place is for.

I am sorry you are facing this. I would have thought given your childhood that your spouse would know how much you already suffered due to infidelity.

And that she would not put you through that trauma again. But then again selfish cheating people don’t care about others when they choose to lie and cheat.

Do not feel obligated to R just b/c she wants to.

My experience was that on dday2 of affair 2 I had enough and I planned to D. I informed my H I was D him. Now all of a sudden he wants to R.

I’m not listening. I told him in order to R or even think about it I wanted a post nup. He willingly signed it. It took me a year to think we had a chance to R and make the marriage work.

Surprisingly it’s been 8 years and we are happily R. My H has changed. On his own.

Sometimes an affair is just a dealbreaker. In your case it appears as though you know this to be true.

You are not obligated to R. I hope your spouse realizes this.

NT759, feel free to vent away. I totally understand where you're coming from. I had discussed my FOO (family of origin) issues and said that I wasn't planning on a divorce and infidelity was never an option...but here we are.

It's ok to do what you need to do for you. We're here to support you in getting out of infidelity. That can be D (divorce) or R (reconciliation). You'll get more advice, so take what you need and leave the rest.

FWIW, R is a hard row to hoe. Most waywards aren't up to doing the hard work, but some do. You may want to read the pinned post in the Wayward forum to have an idea of what the Wayward vets have to say to the Wayward newbies. It will give you an idea of some of the work she'll need to do.

Good luck in your journey.

Not to be mean but I really couldn't care less what the cheater forum thinks or what the veterans say. What a great club to be a member of over there. Bleh

It's hard to find what to say. My dad cheated on my mom years ago. No divorce but they are not happy as a couple and my mom is quite sad even if she does not talk about it.
It took a lot of time to process it, like 10+ years. At the beginning I just rug swept this. But when my best friend has been cheated on by his wife 2 years ago, everything came back and I realized I had not solved anything. I read a lot after that. Forums, articles, books.
I found some posters here whose message really spoke to me (poke @ChamomileTea ;)).
15 years after all that, I guess I arrived to this conclusion : I authorized myself not to look like both my parents. It's difficult to describe, as a child I always was inspired by my parents, and this is kind of a complete 180. I have my own core values.
As for my wife, I love her and in the same time I am not scared at all of losing her. If she decides to cheat, I will leave and I am not scared to be alone for a time. This part is often the key: many people here are carried by their fear (this is not a reproach, just an observation).
Have you already been in therapy? Not to talk about your STBXW, but about your parents. Seems like you did not finish to solve that episode.

I’m so sorry you are going through such a hard time. Please know that everyone here understands. I have similar FOO issues. My Mum cheated on my Dad over and over. She didn’t even really try and hide it. We children certainly knew about it as teenagers. I hated it and my poor Dad was treated horribly. They didn’t separate until they had been married over 30 painful years. But I’m grateful my Dad had a few peaceful years alone before he died.

My first husband left me for someone else while I was in labour with our second child. I am therefore very anti infidelity and knew that if I was ever cheated on again I’d walk. Anyway, I met and married my second husband after a few years. His first wife had also cheated on him. He knew my stance in infidelity. It took him 26 years but he then decided to cheat on me. When I found out I threw him out immediately. I then surprised myself by inviting him back after a few weeks. He was truly remorseful and I am grateful that we decided to R.

All that to say, I understand absolutely your stance on infidelity, and if you decide to D that is an understandable decision. But if you decide to R you are not going back in your beliefs. If your wife is truly remorseful and you decide to try to repair your marriage it will be hard work, but it can eventually be a blessing. My marriage is in the best place it has ever been.

But just to add, I do think you should speak to your doctor as you may well be depressed, and a course of antidepressants may be helpful. Wishing you all the best.

So sorry for what you're going through.

Your situation is very similar to mine (cheating mother, father devastated and dies a few years later, wife cheats on you).

I also disowned my mother, but reconciled with her some 15 years later. Our relationship will NEVER be what it had been, but it's far more amicable.

I find myself regretful for reconciling with my WW after D-Day 1 because it lead to D-Day 2 10 years later. However, I don't look down upon those who choose reconciliation. Some WSs may be worth it, mine wasn't.

My first D-Day was hell on earth. My second was amazingly less painful; I feel that the first experience created a protective shell on my heart and psyche that saved me much pain on D-Day 2.

I am absolute in my feeling of never reconciling with a WW again. I remarried three years ago (to a wonderful lady who also knows the pain of a cheating spouse) and she knows I have zero tolerance for infidelity.

You have tough decisions ahead and I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong and healthy.

Your wife made her choice to end the marriage when she cheated. You are not obligated to offer reconciliation. That's all there is to it.

Her devastation now is her problem to own and solve. Your job is to heal and if you need divorce to heal, get a divorce. You don't need her permission. I hope she follows through with her agreement to make it a divorce favorable to you.

Nothing says what can and can't happen in the future. But don't worry about that now. Do what you need to heal and let her figure out what she will or will not do.

Keeping fidelity isn't just an intellectual exercise, at least not completely. There is some flaw and set of circumstances that overwhelms logic. It doesn't absolve her of anything but my guess is she didnt weigh it out with your family history when she made the choice to cheat.

Confessing the A is a step that may help R work as it is indicative of the potential for truly honest dialogue which is required for a successful R with no rugsweeping. But the fact that you're leaning toward D is understandable. Your situation is not the classic double betrayal but because of your family history, it kind of feels like it.

I have several questions. Did they meet at work? Did she look for someone? How long did it last?

Several of us see your pain from your past as holding you hostage. You definitely need IC to allow you to let go of the intense pain still interfering with your life.

I am the child of a mother who cheated. I was an adult. My siblings and I watched as she tried over the years to keep body and soul together because my father had let his wretched childhood run his life. Finally as a middle aged woman she reached the end of her rope. She started an affair with a family acquaintance and left. Stress had left her as a shell and she died not many years later followed by my father. I did not judge either of them. Pain begets pain and I think both of them had done the best they could.

I agree with the others. This is your one life. You have to wade through all of it. You can’t stop the pain just because you want to. Getting to the other side is where IC will help. Also please don’t use alcohol or any behaviors that will make things worse. Talk to a dr. You can be given something to help you over the next few months as you decide your future.

I am so sorry that you have had all this sadness, anger, despair over the loss of innocence and the loss of your father.

this is a tragic story.

I would feel the same way about your mom if she was mine. She destroys your dad, acts like she deserves a second chance with him and then is marrying that pos after Dad is gone.Then she wonders why noone wants her after she leaves a wake of destruction.

I agree with your decision to never talk to her again and I would let your kids know why this is occurring so she can't manipulate them against you as people like her do. It would actually be tempting to go to her wedding and when they ask the crowd if they object that you stand up an object and why. I think it's best to cut contact altogether and her marrying this other guy is a slap in the face after you seemed to slowly bring her back into your life

The other part is that your wife knew how badly the adultery hurt you and she went out and had an affair too. This is like piling on. Get a shark of an attorney (I wouldn't destroy her the way your mom destroyed dad, which was disgusting by the way) as she still the mother of your kids and you see the damage that did when your mom did it to your dad but take advantage of the favorable terms and make sure your come out on top in a convincing fashion. Cheaters winning divorce cases makes me want to vomit.

I know you don't want to share the details. I understand. You gave us enough to understand the pain you are in but it is hard to estimate the true extent of the pain and impact on you or your family's life without knowing what happened but that's fine. I know that full custody is rare and you won't get that. Do you want that anyway ? Unless child support is going to be punishing. Hopefully she makes more $ so she pays you support. I don't know why the courts always goes towards joint custody. I don't know if your state is 'at fault' or not and what evidence you have. Just make sure you stand your ground on custody, alimony and child support. Cheaters are not right in their heads and she could flip at a moment's notice and try to pull out the card your mom did when she realized she is losing you. Somehow, many get angry when the Betrayed Spouse refuses to rugsweep this stuff.

Good luck to you. This is so tragic.

[This message edited by Western at 2:06 PM, Sunday, March 13th]

Friend;

Not to be mean but I really couldn't care less what the cheater forum thinks or what the veterans say

I don’t get that sentence and ask for clarification before I offer my suggestion on how to move on.

If you are just venting then it’s OK and then we can be clear on that. Posters can quickly throw in some virtual hugs and move on.

You see – I’m what’s probably considered a veteran on infidelity forums. So is Western who took out time to offer good advice. I’m not willing to spend maybe 20-30 minutes crafting out an answer if you aren’t interested.
Honestly – I don’t really give too much on if you reconcile with mom or not, but I want you to move on so that you learn to live with her actions and decision – irrespective of her being in your life or not.

I know how it feels about your Mom. My Mom did the same thing to my Dad when I was FOUR YEARS OLD! I remember (vaguely) the day my parents, my sister and I were discussing who would live with who…my Dad wanted me to live with him and my sister would live with my cheating Mother….but the thing is, I was four and at that time a Mama’s boy. So I said I wanted to live with Mommy. To this day, I think about how that must have made my Dad feel and I still regret it. Thanks Mom!

They ended up staying together and I found out about my Mom’s infidelity when she confessed it to me as she thought my Dad already told me…he had not. Looking back, I can see that my Dad didn’t show a lot of affection towards my Mom, but he was a great Man…one I leaned on throughout my teens and early twenties. He was good to my Mom, just not mushy, lovey-doves with her and didn’t seem to like it when she tried to be with him. But he stuck it out, kept the family together, worked hard and provided for all of us. As far as I know, he was a good and faithful husband and I have no reason to believe otherwise.

The night he died, instead of calling an ambulance for himself, he took what time he had left to write us a goodbye letter. He was having a heart attack and he knew it. He wrote kind and loving words to my Mom, so I guess he made peace with the whole thing. He also had sweet things to say to me and my sister…but towards the end of the letter, it was clear he was losing consciousness and he must have died trying to finish writing something to me. Six years later, I was hanging with some buddies, having a good time drinking and then just lost it….uncontrollably crying as I realized that my Dad’s letter was basically a suicide note. He had had enough at the age of 56. I blame my Mom for that too.

I don’t think WW’s with Sons will really understand the damage they do. I only expressed my feelings to my Mother on this subject once. I lit into her during a small argument, basically saying she drove my Dad into an early grave! All I remember is she was crying with her head in her hands as I slammed to door on my way out.

Two weeks later, I get a call from my Uncle telling me my Mother was dead. She slit her wrists in her bathtub. I got to read another suicide note. Now, I suspect my wife but have no proof. She has agreed on a polygraph and insists on her innocence. Time will tell but just from writing all this out, I can see I’m over-sensitive to the subject of infidelity.

Nothere759, I wish you all the best for your future, whatever path you decide to take. Just know there are other people in the same or very similar situation as you and you are not alone.

Nothere, I want to thank you for your post. I've been on the site for years, read often but seldom post but your post really hit home with me. My mother also cheated on my father and she set out to destroy him as well. My father took his life and my girlfriend at the time (current WW) found him dead of a self inflicted gunshot wound. My wife witnessed all these things, what it did to my father, the hatred for my mother that has lead to 17 years of estrangment and still cheated on me in 2014.

Our son was 8 years old at the time and is now 16. He, despite my best efforts, found out about his mother's cheating when he was 10. She has lied to him so much that his relationship with her hangs by a thread but, as angry as I am at his mother, I know how painful it is to be estranged from your mother so I've tried to encourage him to keep trying with her. (I also know the pain of losing a father to suicide which has kept me here on more than one occasion).

Being estranged from a mother is especially difficult in our culture (I'm an anthropologist by training). Our society puts motherhood on a pedestal and tends to blame (and shame) the child when estrangement occurs (much like betrayeds are wrongly blamed/shamed for a waywards cheating). I'm grateful for your vent and just wanted you to know you are not alone in living with the unique pain that comes from estrangement from a mother and a wife who can witness that devastation and chooses to inflict it on her own family.

I understand your need to vent. That was a ton of crap to deal with, and I hope it felt good to get it out. That your W could cheat on you after knowing your family history and how you felt about your mom is astounding. It speaks to the degree of selfishness she is capable of.

Here’s the thing, cheating always ends a M. Whether you D or R the old M is dead. If you decide to bury it with a D no one would blame you. Resurrecting it with R is hard work for the BS and WS, and given how infidelity has impacted generations of your family probably more work than usual.

Take good care of yourself (exercise, eat well, drink lots of water, etc.), and let your W worry about her problems. Focus on you (and your kids?). Keep posting too if you think it will help.

Your feelings on R/D are valid. Hell, if my husband had told me donuts destroyed his father and ruined his life, I'd never eat another one out of principle. You had ONE deal breaker. She knew it. She had many opportunities to stop it from happening. She doesn't earn a gold star for honesty because she should have never put you in this position in the first place. You are absolutely right to proceed in the way that is best for you.

If she is truly remorseful, she will do the work of healing without you. It's a BIG fucking deal that she had front row tickets to watching the devastation of infidelity via you and your parents but STILL chose to do that to you and your kids. She needs to answer to herself why she allowed herself to do something she knew would devastate you, the kids, and break up the family. And why she has the audacity now to ask you to put your ongoing trauma aside to give her a second chance. She can start with a good IC if she's serious about it but you do NOT owe her your time and sanity while she goes through it.

Good luck. Keep posting. There is a subforum for people who are D'ing and you may get better support and insight if you post in it.

No Wayward deserves a 2nd chance no matter how remorseful they are. What they don't realize is the act of cheating creates an inflection point for the BS. If the marriage as it stands no longer works for the BS, than by all means they should end it unilaterally. If you're done, you're done.

For all of you with parents that you are estranged from give yourselves a break. Every child wants to be loved by their parents or whoever is caring for them but sometimes it just does not happen. They might be narcissistic or sociopathic or mentally ill or drug addicted. It could be many things but the one thing you have to do is go back and give that child that you were a break. It’s OK not to care. I just don’t want all of you to be angry. It takes so much out of you to contain that much rage. My brothers were estranged from our parents but I was not. Every person has the right to make a decision about who they let in their lives. Sometimes the parent is just never going to be who we want them to be. It’s OK to move on.

These stories break hearts. Since you are here it means that not only were you not given happy childhoods but the person you put your trust in broke that as well. In some cities there are groups of bs because only those of us who have lived it get it.